Rollercoaster

[diocletian]

I never foresaw myself posting on a site like this but at this point I figured why the hell not?

I started seeing a coworker of mine back in September. It was a slow start as I had just broken up with my ex girlfriend and she was still hung up on her ex. Eventually I took her to a concert and things sparked and we essentially were in a relationship without the title. We hung out most days of the week, things were great etc I’ll just cut to the chase. Of course once she showed signs of moving on, her ex crept back into the picture and started telling her everything she wanted to hear. She fended this stuff off for a while but eventually I realized she truly wasn’t over him.

It was in December when she basically started seeing the both of us at once. She was always up front about it and I put up with it hoping things would change but we grew distant and I pushed her away. All the sudden after the new year she comes back around saying she wants to give us another try and that she broke things off with her ex. We got into a relationship which was good for like one week before things got weird again. She ended up calling it off after 3 weeks saying she wasn’t ready for a relationship blah blah. So once again I pushed myself away from her and started doing my own thing.

During this period of time I never initiated contact with her and she continued to hit me up nearly every day. On a few occasions we would meet up and she’d want to make out and fool around and saying she missed me and all that kind of shit. Then Valentine’s Day came around and her ex made another attempt and got her a gift and I heard through the grapevine they were trying to work things out so I confronted her and she basically said that things were like they used to be and she has feelings for both of us. So we continued to talk somewhat and all the sudden one day she tells me she’s 100% done with him and he didnt make her smile, laugh, was boring to hang out with and she barely had any conversation with him making her finally realize she’s moved on from him.

I took all of it with a grain of salt as anyone would. This last weekend she called me up drunk and I picked her up and we had sex. The next day she said I’ve been thinking we should get back together. I said are you serious? cause you shouldn’t fuck around talking like that if you don’t mean it and she said yes I’ve been thinking about it for a while now and she loves me and misses me I mean the world to her and all this shit. But ultimately it led to more of her saying I don’t want to make any commitments right now.

I guess the reason why I’m posting here is what the fuck should I do? I definitely realize that I’m crazy for letting her string me along like this but the feelings I have for her are immense. I’ve never had a connection with a person like I do with this girl and she reciprocates it half the time then shit will get weird and it seems like a never ending cycle. Multiple times I’ve realized it would no doubt be best to just walk away from it but I keep finding myself unable to do so and I don’t know if I’ll do so from my own free will unless she spites me in a truly hurtful way. Any advice is very welcome.

[The_Hurricane]

Here is what you did right: every time she expressed some doubts, you pulled away. Every guy on here with a girl who is not giving him 100% should think about the lessons learned from this story.

Here is what you did wrong: you took her back too quickly and you put up with her seeing both you and the ex. As soon as you found out about the ex coming back into her life, you should have pulled back. In her last attempt, when she suggested that you get back together, you accepted too quickly and you made it seem like the entire decision is up to her.

Here is what you should do: keep it casual for a while. Don’t ask her about the other guy. Make sure she knows that you’re also dating. Make her work for your time. Don’t be available “most days of the week”. See her less frequently. In other words, don’t let her back into your life until you change her perception of who’s making the big decisions about your relationship with her.

–Lee

[Eric Disco]

I agree 100% with everything Lee said. To add to this, you shouldn’t know about her seeing other guys unless the two of you are exclusive. In that case, there shouldn’t be anyone else on pain of ex-communication from your life. Lee’s plan is the correct plan to get yourself in the driver’s seat and stay there. You did a lot of right things here but when you feel so strongly for someone, it’s easy to let them get the best of you. Stick to your plan and don’t cave until she is begging to be exclusive with you.

Eric

[diocletian]

Appreciate the responses guys. What you’re saying is true and I definitely need to pursue that kind of action. I feel like its difficult for me to talk to multiple girls at the same time cause I always feel a devotion to the ones I truly care about but it’s really my biggest weakness in that I always get caught up in thought to an unhealthy extent. It’s what I need to do though. In the past this girl has flipped out and gotten so upset over seeing me talk to other girls and shit like that but I always reassure her out of fear of that driving her away. Now that I think about it in retrospect I’ve made it too easy for her though.

I know for certain that she doesn’t want to lose me from her life and wouldn’t let me go. Making her feel that fear of losing me is the only way I can come out on top in this situation.

[Eric Disco]

The fact that you allow her to get away with flipping out on you says a lot about the relationship. You should never let a girl get away with flipping out on you for any reason. That’s when you walk out of there. You reassuring her does two bad things 1) it rewards her terrible behavior and 2) it makes it more likely she’ll pull bullshit and see someone else because she knows she has you under her thumb. Letting her get away with tantrums is no good for anybody. She feels like an idiot afterward. You feel stupid. Both parties feel awful. You need to teach her how to treat you better and the only way to do that is by taking away the prize when she misbehaves.

Eric

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