pushing for sex
January 9, 2015 at 8:16 am #72485
I dont know if this is the right forum to ask on but since i often visit this site i thought I’d ask for some advice. Any input is welcome.
This is pretty much an after the fact question but heres the background story.
I went to visit Minneapolis for New Years amd met a very cute girl there. My game is improving along with my confidence and somehow she became very attracted to me lol.
We made out several times throughout the night and made plans to meet up the next day as i was leaving the day after that. An hour before we were supposed to meet she almost bailed on me saying she was afraid to meet me as she was coming alone to my hotel where my friend and I were staying. I worked some magic and convinced her to come out. We all went out to some bars after, yadda yadda yadda, and eventually me and her made it back to the hotel room.
We made out hard and i could tell she was really into me. I fingered her and mentioned sex and she replied that she wouldn’t have sex with me. Her reasoning was that she was sexually assaulted 4 years ago and was dealing with the issues of that event. She ended up staying the night and sleeping next me. We fooled around throughout the night but everytime i pushed for sex she would say no.
Heres where my problem is. I know that maybe i could have pushed a little harder and perhaps she’d eventually say yes but i instead respected her situation and didn’t go for it. And now i have mixed feelings because i sort of wish i fucked her but on the other hand im kind of happy i respected her position (too nice guy maybe?).
What would you guys do in my situation?
And i have never had an experience like this where a girl after meeting me one day comes out to hang out and spend the night witb me the next day.
Second question, i obviously had intentions of having sex with her and she said no. Any suggestions on getting over this lmr (last minute resistance)?
ThanksJanuary 9, 2015 at 10:27 am #72486
This isn’t my territory but if a girl is repeatedly resisting it’s the ethical thing to do (not the “nice guy” thing to do) to not have sex with her that night–even more so because she told you that she was assaulted. I’d definitely say you did the right thing by letting things stay where they were.
There’s a big difference between playful resistance as flirtation and flat-out saying “wait–not right now”. Sounds like she was telling you the latter.
A lot of the stuff about “overcoming LMR” in the game world is actually abusive–so don’t fall into that trap. The idea is for her to not HAVE any last minute resistance–so perhaps there were some other steps you could have taken/things you could have said that would have allowed her to be a bit more open to you–what those are I”ll leave it to the more experience folks here to tell you 🙂January 9, 2015 at 11:24 am #72487
I’d say you did the right thing. You could probably have pushed further, but with a girl who is dealing with serious trauma, would you want to?
A little while back, I met this girl and invited her to a nightclub I was going to with friends. She got there pretty late, and an hour later I was tired and ready to go home. I felt a bit guilty about leaving, but I invited her to come and ‘hang out with me’ at my place.
I barely knew this girl but she agreed to come, so I knew it was on. When we got back to my place, she was very defensive, even saying ‘don’t touch me’ a couple of times! However, I knew she was there for a reason, so I kept pushing. It took all my determination and escalation skills, but we eventually had sex.
I ended up seeing her again a couple of times, and I bought up how closed off she was that night. She said “yeah, I totally wanted to have sex with you, why else would I have been there?”
So my instincts were correct. But y’know what? It wasn’t enjoyable! I’m never doing that again. I don’t wanna feel like I’m half-raping a girl; it’s an experience not worth having. Better to fuck the girls who are gonna give you the same passion back – that’s when it’s fun.January 9, 2015 at 11:52 am #72489
Just to answer your second question a bit further though, here’s some more tips for the run up to sex –
1. Get to know her well. Some girls do like to just fuck guys that they don’t know, but I think in general women are more comfortable and trusting if they have an emotional connection.
2. Be cool about everything. If you are in bed and she says verbally that she is apprehensive, she doesn’t fuck on a first date, she doesn’t know you well enough etc, just say “ok no worries, let’s just chill together”. Then proceed as normal. Do not make a big deal out of anything or try and talk her round, just escalate slowly. A lot of the time she just needs to get comfortable and horny with you and she’ll still fuck you. (But be aware sometimes she genuinely doesn’t want to)
This is exactly what happened to me on NYE at a party. The girl went from saying “I’m not doing anything with you, just so you know” to “wait a sec…did you just have your fingers in my vagina?..to “have you got a condom?”.
3. Avoid asking for sex verbally. It sounds like this is what you were doing. Just keep getting her horny, and take control – if she’s not doing anything to you, take her hand and move it.Asking for sex is weird.January 9, 2015 at 2:29 pm #72491
I hate men who strongarm women into sex. It’s disgusting. This whole community is crawling with wannabe alpha creeps who want to say it’s ok, but the truth is that anything you have to work for this hard is bad for you, bad for her, and bad for a relationship that, as a consequence, has to be built on a rotten foundation.
A man should push for sex – and, in general, for what he wants – but his best weapon for getting it is not his persistence or his physical strength. It’s simply the ability to walk away. Taking away attention. Taking away your availability. Creating a feeling of scarcity. This is what makes women want to get closer.
When you’ve made your move and she stops you, the best thing to do is to get her out of your bed. “Alright, enough wrestling practice. It’s time for you to go home.” “Can I just stay over?” “No. You can stay over when I feel we’re getting really close. Obviously, we’re not there yet.”
Trying less works better than trying more, and it’s something they won’t resent you for later. Equally important is the fact that you won’t lose value begging for sex.
–LeeJanuary 10, 2015 at 7:48 am #72494
Yeah my morals kicked in and i stopped bringing up sex after a few goes when i saw that she seemed hurt by her past assault experience. One thing to clarify is that i didn’t ‘ask’ for sex but instead said that we’re having sex. Thats when she said she wouldn’t.
I think my problem was that i even bothered to mention it, i should’ve naturally progressed into it after fingering her.
Very true. Taking away attention and walking away is definitely a great tool to use. Although in this particular circumstance i was leaving the next day amd had only a one night window of opportunity to have sex with her. Telling her to leave wouldn’t of helped me out much lol.
On a side note, i think not having sex with her worked some kind of magic because she’s now baaically in love with me. The past couple of days shes been messaging me like crazy, planning on having me as a travel buddy for the summer and sending me selfies (no nudes tho haha).
Now i think i may have a new problem of telling her to calm down 😛January 10, 2015 at 2:42 pm #72495
Well, I think this girl would have stopped you regardless of what you did. Some girls really are just shy at first. But if a girl starts talking about being assaulted, her apprehensiveness is probably not about being shy. It’s good that you have morals.
But anyway, she seems to like you, maybe she’ll bang you next time round 🙂
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