persistent or annoying?

[silversun]

I’ll try to make the post short and to the point. Basically, I went on a date with a co-worker one week back and had a good time. A few days later, I call her and we talk over the phone for about a hour or so. I took this as a good sign since usually when the girl didn’t like the first date, she just ignores my call. So, two days later I ask her out again and she tells me she is too busy, in fact for the next few weeks. She doesn’t really give me an alternative either. Now, I do believe she really is too busy, but I realize ultimately she should make time if she is interested (although that may be a bit harsh). My question is, because she still does talk to me, should I not give up so quickly? Are there any good strategies to stay around without coming off as annoying? Of course, I would still talk to other girls too and not just wait around for her. But, is it even worth pursuing or is most likely dead at this point? Thanks!

[Eric Disco]

“Too busy” is pretty much a No. I would not waste another minute with a girl. Just because she talks on the phone with you doesn’t mean that she’s interested enough to get sexual with you. If a girl said that she was too busy to hang out, I would text her something like, “Well say hi when you’re less busy.” Then I would not contact her again unless she contacted me.

This is the danger with spending an hour talking on the phone with a girl, or spending too much time on a date with a girl. Just because she’s willing to spend time with you doesn’t mean she’s attracted to you. She could be lonely or she could just need validation. She could just be sitting in a park bored, waiting for her boyfriend to show up. A woman spending time with you doesn’t mean she’s attracted to you any more than a man fucking a woman means he likes her as a person.

Eric

[silversun]

Thanks man, I’ll take that advice…

Quick question though. I’m trying to justify to myself that this girl actually was too busy and her rejection wasn’t about me or my character. But when busy really means not interested, it seems as though it’s an excuse and it’s kinda harder not to take it personally. How do you deal with this when you come to that realization? Thanks again.

[The_Hurricane]

Most often, a rejection will be about you and your character, and you have to learn to accept it. Why am I saying this? Think about what the world would look like if we were all compatible, if any guy could be happy with any girl. All of our notions of romantic love would disappear. No longer would it be important to any of us to find someone special. Everyone would be “special”. Do you want to live in a world like that? Call me a crazy romantic, but I don’t want to live in that world. And if you’re like me, you will have to learn to accept the fact that in a world where only a small fraction of women are compatible with you, the most likely outcome of approaching a woman is rejection and the most likely outcome of dating her is failure. That’s the way it should be! That’s the world’s way of finding a woman who really understands and appreciates you. Until you find that woman, you will see many failures and rejections. Welcome them. They’re the world’s way of telling you that the woman you’re interested in doesn’t understand and appreciate you. Would you really want to be with a woman like that? I wouldn’t!

–Lee

[Eric Disco]

A few things about not taking it personally. First of all, you don’t know what her situation is. You don’t know if she has a boyfriend and just wants some attention. Or she just doesn’t want to date someone from work. Even though PUA’s try to make it seem like there is no impossible target, some situations just do not work out. And like Lee says, a certain percentage of girls will just not be into you no matter what. Even much less attractive women won’t be into you sometimes. It’s not an indictment of how attractive you are.

Secondly, it’s highly likely you fucked this up. You did something to blow her attraction for you. I can’t tell you exactly what it is from my vantage point, but the point is that you can change your behavior. You can work on it and improve. With every woman, you want to take calculated risks to try and see what works and what doesn’t work.

Lastly, the more you have a set routine down–knowing what you like to do with women–the less personally you take this stuff. If you try to re-invent the wheel with every new woman you meet, you tend to invest a lot more mental and emotional energy much too soon. You don’t really know the woman at the beginning, so why act like it? The more ‘automatic’ things are, the more these small rejections will roll off you like water off a ducks back.

Eric

[silversun]

Lee, I think exactly what you say is what makes this one harder. I thought we were more compatible than any other previous girl I had dated. And if what you say about there only being a few girls for every guy, then I feel like I missed a good opportunity. I attributed my past rejections to the fact that I wasn’t very compatible with the other girls (and I really wasn’t). When I messed it up with this particular one, it makes me feel like there’s no hope.

Eric, I’m pretty sure that I know where I fucked this up (may be wrong though). Based on what works on this website, I didn’t take any risks. I had done that with other girls in the past, doing a lot of the things it says to do on this website on a first date. Despite that, the other dates didn’t seem to work out (I chalked it up to incompatibility). I talked to a few of my friends who all told me to trash that stuff, just be yourself, and take it slow (they have all had success taking it slow, dated only one girl and got married). Maybe taking it slow didn’t work out, I’m not sure. But if there was any girl to take it slow with, she certainly seemed like the type (she was shy, didn’t have a lot of boyfriends). So, I can’t be too hard on myself for taking this approach, but I’m still frustrated it didn’t work.

Thoughts? And I really appreciate all the input.

[The_Hurricane]

You’re looking at this the wrong way. You have to reassess how you think of compatibility. Compatibility is not how good you think she is for you, which is the language you used to describe it. Compatibility is how good you both think you are for each other. It makes no sense whatsoever to want to be with a woman who doesn’t understand or appreciate you, no matter how good you think she is for you. All of game is about buying yourself enough time with a woman for her to see your value. This woman didn’t see your value. If you had a strong, healthy sense of self, the only regret you’d have is that you wasted a little time on her. You wouldn’t actually want her back.

Regardless, taking it slow is a bad idea. Taking it slow loses the girl much more often than it gets the girl. Being a strong aggressive man is attractive to women, even shy women.

 

–Lee

[sn]

This was a great fucking topic.

[Author]

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