Need some advice between dates

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This topic contains 10 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  SomeguyUK 1 year ago.

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  • #73334

    silversun
    Participant

    Hey all, been reading this blog for awhile. Love your work Eric!

    I need some advice with a dating situation I’m in. I met a girl in New York about 6 weeks ago, and since we have been on 2 dates. It’s been long distance as she lives 5 hours away. Things were great initially. We went out to lunch each time. I feel like I’ve connected with her so far more than I have with anyone else. We have a lot of fun when we’re together. She gives me a lot of positive signs and we kissed during each date.

    It’s difficult for me to see her often because of the 5 hour drive. Plus, for the last three weeks, she was out of the country. That’s not a problem. But, I was expecting her to be excited to hang out once she got back, but she says she still busy, which is definitely a legit excuse as she has some work related things to take care of. Basically, I’m not sure how to play this moving forward? Her excuses seem legit, but I’m not sure if she should try harder to make room for me. She does mention vague ideas about hanging out in future, but no solid plans. I’m not really sure how often to text her either. I know in the beginning, you should only text to set up the first date. But I feel obligated to do it more now so things don’t fizzle out while apart. Also, I’m tempted to set things up weeks in advance because of the distance, but is this too needy?Any advice? far more than I have with anyone else. We have a lot of fun when we’re together. She gives me a lot of positive signs and we kissed during each date.

    It’s difficult for me to see her often because of the 5 hour drive. Plus, for the last three weeks, she was out of the country. That’s not a problem. But, I was expecting her to be excited to hang out once she got back, but she says she still busy, which is definitely a legit excuse as she has some work related things to take care of. Basically, I’m not sure how to play this moving forward? Her excuses seem legit, but I’m not sure if she should try harder to make room for me. She does mention vague ideas about hanging out in future, but no solid plans. I’m not really sure how often to text her either. I know in the beginning, you should only text to set up the first date. But I feel obligated to do it more now so things don’t fizzle out while apart. Also, I’m tempted to set things up weeks in advance because of the distance, but is this too needy?Any advice?

    #73335

    Eric Disco
    Keymaster

    > Love your work Eric!

    Thanks!

    > she says she still busy, which is definitely a legit excuse as she has some work related things to take care of.

    When a girl says she is busy or indicates that she can’t hang out, it doesn’t matter whether the reason is legitimate or not. It doesn’t matter if she can’t hang out with you because she’s too busy with work or because she is losing interest in you. It’s not your job to figure out how she is feeling. Your job is to look at her actions and act accordingly.

    If she is legitimately busy and can’t hang out but still likes you, you need to back off and give her space to do her thing. And if she is simply just losing interest, if there is any chance with her, your best bet is to back off also.

    If a girl is really interested, she will make an effort to connect with you. Even if she’s super busy with work, she’ll find a way. She may try to call you on the phone. She may invite you there to see her. She may just text you a lot. If she doesn’t, it doesn’t necessarily mean that she’s not interested, it means that she isn’t interested ENOUGH to fit you into her life.

    > Basically, I’m not sure how to play this moving forward?

    I would text her a bit, then invite her to hang out. If she says she’s too busy, I would say, “Say hi when you’re less busy.” I would not keep texting her and talking with her if she could not hang out or would not at least plan a time to hang out.

    > I’m not really sure how often to text her either. I know in the beginning, you should only text to set up the first date. But I feel obligated to do it more now so things don’t fizzle out while apart.

    That’s not a good way to go about it. If you want things to keep from fizzling out, shoot her a text every week or so.

    > Also, I’m tempted to set things up weeks in advance because of the distance, but is this too needy?

    It’s not needy. Since she’s further away, you need to plan ahead of time. Planning a date for 2-3 weeks out is fine. In fact, if she said no to this, I would back off and stop texting her, or at least slow my texting down to once a week or so.

    Eric

    #73336

    silversun
    Participant

    Hey Eric, thank you for the timely response! I do have a few questions though…

    > If a girl is really interested, she will make an effort to connect with you. Even if she’s super busy with work, she’ll find a way. She may try to call you on the phone. She may invite you there to see her. She may just text you a lot. If she doesn’t, it doesn’t necessarily mean that she’s not interested, it means that she isn’t interested ENOUGH to fit you into her life.

    I’m just thinking, what if she really is just too busy to make time this weekend. I know that it may sound like I’m making excuses, but some of the things she texts me makes it sound like she is interested. Why would she text things like “blah blah blah but we need to do that together” or “blah blah blah next time I see you.”?

    My bigger question though is about backing off. Now, I’m not saying that its a bad idea. I’ve had it work in the past. In fact, I got so busy at one time with this girl that I hadn’t texted in awhile and she texts “just wanted to say hi!”. So, I can see where it works. But, my question is, what’s wrong with open communication? I feel like by backing off, I’m trying to manipulate her into talking to me or hanging out with me. Why can’t I say something like “Hey Sarah, because of this, this, and this I’m getting mixed signals from you. Are you interested in pursuing this further?” Or something to that effect. If she doesn’t want to, she can tell me right then and there. Or she can say sorry I’ve been really busy but we can hang out after I have more free time. I understand that it might decrease my value by showing I’m unsure how she feels, but I also think its perfectly normal for people to be unsure of things early on. I certainly will try backing off, but I just wanted to here your thoughts on open communication as well.

    Thanks so much!

    #73337

    Eric Disco
    Keymaster

    > Why can’t I say something like “Hey Sarah, because of this, this, and this I’m getting mixed signals from you. Are you interested in pursuing this further?”

    What kind of ACTIONABLE information are you hoping to get by asking her this? Let’s say she says, “Yes, of course I like you. I’m just super busy right now.” Then what? Does that change your current plan of action? It does not. You will still continue to text her and try to get her to meet up with you.

    If she says, “I like you more as a friend,” how does that change your plan of action? Will you invest less time texting her? Well, you shouldn’t be investing too much time into her anyway if she can’t meet up with you. Will you date other women? Well, you should be dating other women anyway.

    By asking her, “Are you into me?” you are being NEEDY. It shows that you NEED to know how she feels about you. You are telling her that you are unable to exist in this grey area with her, that you need an answer now, even if it is no. You are telling her that you have too many feelings for her and think about her too much when she is away. Your anxiety is getting the better of you.

    You guys haven’t even slept together. You’ve only been on two dates. She probably doesn’t even know how she feels about you. Her feelings could change from day to day. She could be dating/sleeping with two other guys. She could be getting over a three year relationship and constantly thinking about her ex. She could be in love with some other guy.

    Her response to your question is meaningless. She may say she really really wants to pursue things and then never meets up with you. She may say she just wants to be friends and then fuck you the next time she sees you. Ignore her words. Listen to her actions. What do you know about her from her actions?

    1) She likes texting you. That’s not nothing. She wouldn’t text you if she weren’t into you in some way.

    2) She won’t meet up with you. You don’t know why.

    You have all the actionable information you need just from watching her actions.

    The wrench in all of this is that she lives five hours away. If the girl lived in your town and couldn’t find the time to meet up with you, it might be a little more obvious that she’s blowing you off. If she is long-distance, how does that change things?

    Well, you may be tempted to have more of a phone/texting relationship than if she were in town. But this is bad news too, especially if you aren’t sleeping together. You don’t want to be her emotional tampon, someone she texts when she feeling lonely but then won’t fuck you. By accepting a phone/text relationship without sex, this is exactly what you’re getting into. She’ll lose all respect for you if you allow yourself to be that person.

    Play it chilly. Date other women. Keep her around as an option. That’s what she’s doing with you. Don’t be too eager to text with her if she’s not willing to see you. Don’t act like her boyfriend before you’ve even slept together.

    Eric

    #73338

    silversun
    Participant

    Dude, Eric, I absolutely love your response! I’ve been asking around different people and this is the best thing that I have heard. It really does all boil down to my anxiety. You’re right, her telling me wouldn’t do anything but put my mind at ease, and I think that is all I am looking for. It wouldn’t really change anything moving forward. I need to learn to be able to put my mind at ease on my own. Honestly, I’m not too sure how. I did try dating another girl, but all I could think about was this one haha! I haven’t texted her since texting her at the beginning of the week. I’m going to fight the urge and keep it that way until next week. Maybe that will help me be less needy.

    You’re right, I am acting like a boyfriend. I think its only because she excites me. I’m trying to hold that back now. But, do you think that if I were to see her in person again, is it ok to let my feelings be known and share my emotions about her? Or should I wait until she does first?

    Thanks so much man! I really needed to read that. It itself puts my mind at ease a bit.

    Gotta just say it again… Best advice I have gotten! I’ve read it three times now! Its been my own anxiety that’s been the problem, not anything that she is doing.

    #73351

    silversun
    Participant

    Hey Eric and anyone else reading. I wanted to give a quick update and I have a question.

    So, I played it chill and didn’t text. She actually texted me last week wondering if I was in town, but I wasn’t. So I still waited until this past week to text (once per week rule). I asked her out again for Friday and agin she was busy. I said “well, say hey when you have more free time” and dropped it. She quickly texted back and said she would love to hang out on Saturday if I can. I said sure and being the guy (don’t know if it’s right or wrong), I made the plans. She agreed and everything was set. She texted me Saturday morning saying she has the flu. I’m 99% sure she’s blowing me off so I just said “get well”. That was it, no other texts.

    So that’s where it stands. My plan is to completely let her go and I will only text if she does first. I was just wondering, is this a good idea? Do you have other suggestions?

    I’m trying to keep my head up. The one thing I tell myself is that hey, at least now I have my first flake. I’m 32, and a late bloomer in dating, so it’s nice to get that first one out of the way. I’m definitely disappointed but I realize is part of dating. Without knowing all the details of the initial dates, is there anything I could’ve done to avoid this flake?
    Thanks so much!

    #73353

    Eric Disco
    Keymaster

    You made the right moves. I would have done exactly the same. It’s possible you could have gotten her to meet you by begging and cajoling but you would have had very little power on that date. Going on dates when there’s not enough attraction is the worst. I would let this one go.

    >So that’s where it stands. My plan is to completely let her go and I will only text if she does first. I was just wondering, is this a good idea? Do you have other suggestions?

    Yup, let her take initiative. And when a girl is into you, she will take some initiative. You don’t know what’s up with her. Maybe this girl is still wrapped up in an ex and the timing is bad. Play it chill and touch base with her again in a few weeks.

    >I’m definitely disappointed but I realize is part of dating. Without knowing all the details of the initial dates, is there anything I could’ve done to avoid this flake?

    Yeah, you could have not talked to any woman ever. But that’s no fun. This is part of dating. You’re learning to put your efforts where it is going to yield results instead of heartache.

    The only thing I can point to that you could have done differently is to get sexual with her quicker. The three most important rules of seduction are: 1. Escalate. 2. Escalate. 3. Escalate.

    Eric

    #73354

    silversun
    Participant

    Thanks Eric, I really appreciate your help! 2 quick questions. The sexual escalation is intriguing.

    In my mind, I’m pretty much done with this girl. But if she were to take initiative, what’s the best way to respond? Act like everything is cool?

    The sexual escalation is intriguing. I’m more curious about that for future girls. Maybe I’m wrong, but I feel like I was doing a lot of the stuff that’s in your blog about escalating. I was physical any chance I got, I kissed her at random times, and we made out a few times. I couldn’t invite her to my place because I didn’t have a place there. Is there anything else I could’ve done? Like texting more sexual things? Or maybe talking about it, although I’m not so sure I would be good add that.

    #73356

    Eric Disco
    Keymaster

    > I was physical any chance I got, I kissed her at random times, and we made out a few times.

    Okay. That’s fine then. For some reason I thought you hadn’t made out with her after two dates.

    Eric

    #73442

    silversun
    Participant

    Hey Eric (and anyone reading), I wanted to get some advice on this same girl from this thread, who I had went on a couple of dates with and she lives 5 hours away. So, from the last message on this thread for a quick recap, I asked her out again and she said she was busy, after having asked out twice. I said “say hey when you have more free time”. She said sorry for being so busy but invited me to hang out on another day. Then she ultimately flaked on that date too. So, I dropped it.

    I don’t know if I should’ve done this, I decided to text her three weeks ago after I hadn’t said anything in 4 months. She texted back the next day and we got into flirty conversation. I didn’t ask her out again. I waited until a week later and pinged her. We again got into conversation. I let her know that I’ll be in her town and we should meet up. I said it in a way so that she knows I’m going to be in town and that I’m not just there to hang out with her. My goal was to sound less needy. Anyway, she again said she was busy. So, I dropped it again. I visited her town and had a good time, I have some friends there as well.

    So I didn’t say anything to her after that but she texts me about a week later “I apologize for being missing, I’ve just been really busy at work.” Now, if there is anything I’ve learned is that if she really wants to hang out, she can make the time. So, how do I interpret this? How should I play this moving forward? I’ll drop it if you don’t think its anything. There has to be some interest if she texted me, right? She could’ve just said nothing. Or am I reading too much into it?

    Thanks for help. I can give more of a recap if you need.

    #73443

    SomeguyUK
    Participant

    I’ll chime in here.

    The way I interpret her last text is that she was saying that she genuinely was ‘busy’ and she wasn’t just blowing you off. She is trying to show you that she is actually interested.

    Personally, I would strike while the iron is hot. Who knows what her deal is, but it could be that she has recently become available. That text was a slight IOI so I think you should re-engage.

    Alternatively, it could just be that she feels bad for stringing you along and flaking..

    Weirdly, I had a similar situation recently with a girl whose number I got a YEAR ago and still haven’t been out with!

    Anyway, that’s my 2 cents. Good luck

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