May 29, 2015 at 10:07 am #73174
OK, as I mentioned in an earlier topic, I was looking for an accountability partner, but was offered to simply post here. Why not.
A little about me: I’m a 30 year old guy who has little to complain about: I have my own business where I work in freelance, I’m fit, good looking and intelligent. But I have a quite severe case of approach anxiety. As many of us, I grew up in a family/society where sexual attraction is treated as something secretive and, therefore, shameful. I’m sure it has had its impact on me.
To give an example of my AA: just 20 minutes ago I was cycling and passed two girls. Looking at them while riding by I noticed one of them was very beautiful and sweet. But this feeling of attraction immediately triggered a feeling of aversion, where I turned away and quickly cycled further. It’s like I have a strong fear of her finding out I find her very attractive. It’s a fear of vulnerability, the unpredictable, and an unconscious perception that it’s wrong or shameful to feel and express such things.
Anyway, I guess my story is quite generic. What I’m more interested in is action, and that’s why I wanted a personal (even if online) relationship with someone to share our successes and failures.May 29, 2015 at 11:53 am #73175SomeguyUKParticipant
I can relate to that. I think the natural AA we all have is made worse by social anxiety and shame around women, or shame around approaching women.
Doing the approaches will help you get over it, because eventually you realise how much women can enjoy it when you approach them.
There’s other things you can do for your ‘inner game’ though. Firstly I would recommend going to therapy, if you aren’t already. It will help you to look at some of these limiting beliefs you have.
Secondly, you can slowly start telling other people about your quest to get better with women. When I first started doing this stuff it was this big secret. Eventually I started telling close friends about it. Now I have told my friends, family, colleagues and even girls I’m dating that I have been trying to learn to meet women in the day.
People always think its cool when you tell them. When you start telling other people about this stuff, you realise its no big deal. The general consensus is that it’s completely fine and you are brave for trying to put yourself out there.
As a side note, I’ve even had women compliment me on doing this stuff. I approached a gorgeous women in Zara the other day, and she told me I was clever for approaching in a place where there’s no competition.
You should also try and meet up with some other guys that are doing this. When you see people going up to women and getting good reactions, it changes your perception a lot. I wish I had known that early on.
As you mentioned, taking action is the most important thing. Start going out regularly and pushing yourself. Stick to your plan even when you are tired, when you feel like crap, etc. It pays off eventually. Put the work in and the fear really does go away.May 29, 2015 at 8:32 pm #73180
Funny you mention therapy and telling other people about it… Because just yesterday I met my therapist and told her: Listen, it may sound silly, but it seems that the main emotional issue in my life is the inability to approach girls and express myself when I feel like it… It’s frustrating and blocking me, and stopping me from experiencing freedom in life!” We spent the whole session talking about it.
And RIGHT NOW I’m chatting to a good friend about it openly. And I’ve shared this struggle with other friends too.
As for accountability partner stories…
I just came home from a local bar where a friend had an exhibition opening. Noticed a very cute girl hanging out with two other girlfriends. Started looking at her, caught her stealing glances too. Had plenty of opportunity to walk up both when she was alone and when she was sitting with her friends. There were moments when I felt totally ready and started walking in their direction, only to stop and turn away again because, the certainty suddenly faded :D.
Then I started feeling tired and not wanting to talk to anyone anymore. So I went home, admittedly frustrated with myself. But also accepting – it’s not like I NEEDED to talk to that specific girl as if my life depended on it. I might see her again, and there are plenty others. And I felt that if I don’t feel communicative, it would be kind of forced to sit at their table and stare into distance >:).
But you’re saying “Stick to your plan even when you are tired, when you feel like crap, etc.” What do you mean?May 29, 2015 at 11:38 pm #73181MrAntiquityParticipant
one thing that’s important re: therapy is to try to make sure that the therapist understands what you’re trying to do and even if they don’t completely understand it, that they’re at least on board with what you’re doing. (Many don’t seem to get this–for some completely inexplicable reason the ability to simply start dating isn’t on the mental-health radar. It should be). That’s why a therapist and a support group (like the posters on here) is a good two-pronged approach. Be honest with the therapist and say what kind of external support groups you’re using, what it’s like to practice approaching, etc.
Also, the most important thing I’ve managed to do since starting this whole thing is shift the issue from one about “Why can’t I get guurrrllllls!!!” to one of self-development “OK, I’m not talking to anyone. What’s stopping me, and how can I unblock myself?”
No, it’s not easy–I’ve been working on this for a very, very long time. There’s people out there who think they have “approach anxiety”, talk to 50 girls, then they start hitting on everyone. That’s not me–and it’s not most of us. It’s a lotta work. But the process itself is rewarding–and the outcomes will be even more so. Keep posting here–the folks here will help you.May 30, 2015 at 8:31 am #73182
Just now was riding in a bus. At first I don’t notice her, but after a while I see that the girl sitting in the opposite lane is quite cute. I keep reading my Kindle and watching her. After a while a guy with a beer bottle taps on my shoulder and asks me whether reading it doesn’t hurt my eyes :D. He seems still hangover from yesterday, but I explain that it’s a different kind of screen, and just then the bus pulls up and he’s not stable enough so her stumbles back :D. Me and the girl exchange glances and a smile.
Soon her stop comes and she gets up and stands near the door. I notice the drunk guys tries to say something to her, but she just shakes her head and gets off.
Now, the drunk guy had the guts to say something, but I didn’t :D. Let’s look at the possible scenarios: while we’re sitting I could have just said: Hi, my name’s X, what’s yours? Where are you going? I’m going there and there. Or at the moment when she’s already standing near the door, I could’ve tapped on her shoulder and said: Sorry, I know this is odd and unexpected, but I find you very pretty and would like to know your name and phone number, so I could see you again.
I find both of these things totally cool to do, and if I saw another guy do it, I’d be like: Hell yeah, you’re awesome! And if I did them I’d be fucking proud of myself. But somehow my emotions in the situation don’t match my conscious rational understanding. Shame and nervousness kicks in and I say nothing.
I really hope this is a gradual work and the most important thing is to be aware of one’s feelings and not beat oneself up because it doesn’t happen overnight. I hope that witch each step I’ll be closer and closer to taking action.
Btw, I have taken action before, and said I liked some girls out of the blue, and gotten a phone number immediately. But somehow just doing it once or twice doesn’t really break the cycle, so to speak.May 30, 2015 at 11:41 am #73183SomeguyUKParticipant
There are various things you could have done in both these situations. Asking for a girls number before you have talked to her is a bit lame, but it’s always better to do something than nothing. Personally, if I catch a girl looking at me, I like to walk over and say “if you’re gonna look at a boy like that, you should at least say hello”.
You should just start making small, incremental steps like Eric says to do in his book.Get the book if you don’t have it. The first step is to get next to her, so practice going over and standing next to girls you are attracted to. This feels a bit weird in a bar, but just see it as an exercise.
Similarly, every time you’re choosing where to sit on a bus, go and sit next to the pretty girl. You don’t have to talk to her yet, but just get used to putting yourself near her.
What I mean about sticking to your plan is that you have to be committed to your goal of beating approach anxiety. Working on approach anxiety is like going to the gym. Sometimes you really won’t feel like going. But if you keep putting the work in, the results will come.
You should go out three times a week, or more if you can. Try and set yourself goals like ‘I will stand next to 5 girls today’. Later it will become ‘I will talk to 5 girls today’. I had so many nights where I felt tired and wanted to go home, but I always forced myself to keep going. Now I can approach pretty much whenever I want 🙂 So it’s worth it.
And yeah, try not to beat yourself up when you pussy out. This is a really hard thing to work on. Just give yourself credit for the steps you do take and.June 15, 2015 at 8:53 am #73205
Anyway, I’d still like to find an accountability partner, where we could share our experiences one on one, being more or less in the same boat. Hit me up if you’re interested.July 1, 2015 at 4:38 am #73229KingCrowParticipant
I’m interested in being an accountability partner. Tonight I was actually going to post a thread asking if anyone is interested in being an accountability buddy, haha.
I’ll PM you.
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.