How to deal with her other hookups

[mtriad]

New to the forum, not new to the game but there’s this girl that I couldn’t make a first move yet.

I’m not bad in approaching or going for the kiss, let’s say that she is quite difficult to get into a position to do that. Yes maybe there are things I could have done better but this is past.

Long story short after hanging out for a while and getting nowhere I simply asked her out on a date and she said yes. We live in different countries.

6 months later she contacted me that was gonna visit me during her trip to my country so we setup a place to go on a short trip. We then catch before this trip, 2 weeks before our trip and she comes with her sister (nothing romantic) and completely “forgets” that I asked her out, treating me pretty much like a friend. Even tho I said tried to setup the one-to-one dinner. She even let me know she is seeing another friend during her trip before going to see me and staying at his place and made sure said it was a “he”. She didn’t say specifically as a hookup but I know it is because I’m not naive and because she let it escape and I associated the name with another talk. She asks me “how’s your dating?” I’m thinking like, why is she testing me now? But I shrugged off and exaggerated saying “It’s going crazy!” and she laughed.

So we go to dinner with her sister, then for a dance but there’s we have fun but not enough mood, I’m turned off. At the end I ask her “what about our dinner?” and she looks confused and says we’re gonna meet in two weeks. But in my head, the original dinner date I asked her for was still valid.. I’m like, does she think dinner with her sister is a date? jeeez

So we are meeting for this trip alone in 2 weeks… after she much probably hooked with someone else. Pretty nice.

Now, I understand I’m not exclusive, and nothing happened yet. But it made me feel weird how she’s not caring about what I feel, to say in front of me or how she completely ignore the original date plan. I have the feeling she didn’t even realise she does that.

For about 24h I thought about canceling it all because I thought it was a waste of time. But I reconsidered and decided to give it one last chance, I’m gonna escalate and she probably knows that. The thing is, she knows I like her because I asked her out and I know she likes me because she could be doing anything else but seeing me. She is hot.

I’m curious about dynamics when I get there tho?
There are a few possibilities, one is that I’m gonna ask how was the trip so far and then how was her friend. Perhaps she’s gonna mention her friend.

Should I provoke her and say something like “How was your hookup” but keep it on the banter side? Or would it make her insecure about what I think of her?

She is not the whore\bitchy kinda girl at all and one would say she worries about how she’s seen.

Or should I avoid her other hookup topic at all costs to guarantee I can escalate properly?

I really don’t wanna pose as jealous because weirdly I’m not, just a bit unimpressed about the situation and how I’m like a second option.

One thing for sure, I’m not gonna let her come up with a let’s be friends thing, either something happens now or I’m walking away and never looking back.

[Eric Disco]

> Long story short after hanging out for a while and getting nowhere I simply asked her out on a date and she said yes. We live in different countries.

I need some clarity here. Were you hanging out with her in person? Why didn’t you just go for the kiss or invite her back to your place / her place rather than asking her ‘out on a date’? Did you use the word date?

I always avoid using the word date. It’s much better to just hang out with her, sexually escalate, get more physical, talk about sexual topics, flirt, invite her back to your place, etc. Being explicit, such as calling it a date or telling her you like her or asking if she likes you, tends to be counter-productive. Why? First of all, it’s an unnecessary step. If she says ‘yes’, you are going to have to go in for the kiss at some point anyway. But it also shows that you need to relieve some kind of anxiety you have. She doesn’t want to have to commit in this way because if she’s not enjoying the sexual stuff, she wants to be able to just stop.

> She asks me “how’s your dating?”

This is a huge indicator that you are in friend zone with this girl.

> in my head, the original dinner date I asked her for was still valid.

It wasn’t valid in her mind. And remember, this was 6 months ago. I’m not surprised she didn’t remember.

> Now, I understand I’m not exclusive, and nothing happened yet. But it made me feel weird how she’s not caring about what I feel

Without sugar coating this, it sounds like you are too invested in someone whom you haven’t hooked up with yet. If I ever feel my feelings hurt in situations like this I back off far away. There is no way to game her into liking you when you yourself are in a bad place emotionally. The only thing to do is to step back.

> For about 24h I thought about canceling it

I recommend cancelling it. If your feelings are already hurt, it will probably get worse. It sounds like you are squarely in friend zone with this girl.

> Or should I avoid her other hookup topic at all costs to guarantee I can escalate properly?

Neither will really get you what you want here. Asking about her hookups would be a nice neg/disqualifier if you already have some attraction, but you probably don’t.

> how I’m like a second option.

I personally avoid going on dates like this. If a girl isn’t showing enough interest in me, going on that date will make me feel like shit. If she’s treating you like a second option and you act like a second option, you will end up feeling like a second option. Fuck that. You’re better than that.

Sure, it’s possible things will change around on this date. Your chance of hooking up with her on this date is not zero. But if you go on enough dates like this, you’ll get used to hanging out with women who aren’t attracted to you. You’re sending your body a message that you’re willing to accept second best.

Eric

[mtriad]

Thank you for that nice reply, here are my comments.

I need some clarity here. Were you hanging out with her in person? Why didn’t you just go for the kiss or invite her back to your place / her place rather than asking her ‘out on a date’? Did you use the word date?

I always avoid using the word date. It’s much better to just hang out with her, sexually escalate, get more physical, talk about sexual topics, flirt, invite her back to your place, etc. Being explicit, such as calling it a date or telling her you like her or asking if she likes you, tends to be counter-productive. Why? First of all, it’s an unnecessary step. If she says ‘yes’, you are going to have to go in for the kiss at some point anyway. But it also shows that you need to relieve some kind of anxiety you have. She doesn’t want to have to commit in this way because if she’s not enjoying the sexual stuff, she wants to be able to just stop.

Fair enough – I have learned a lot of new things since then… I think I can tell I barely know her, hanged with her in person in group occasions and also alone in other occasions where time was limited. I agree with what you said maybe I was un-calibrated back then on using the word ‘date’ and didn’t escalate enough. Now it’s past.

> She asks me “how’s your dating?”

This is a huge indicator that you are in friend zone with this girl.

Hmmm I’d agree with this statement if we were friends for a long time… but for someone who doesn’t know me as much this is a huge indicator that she is interested.. that’s how I read it. there are a lot of other signals I could mention but that would make the post too long.

> in my head, the original dinner date I asked her for was still valid.

It wasn’t valid in her mind. And remember, this was 6 months ago. I’m not surprised she didn’t remember.

Fair enough.

> Now, I understand I’m not exclusive, and nothing happened yet. But it made me feel weird how she’s not caring about what I feel

Without sugar coating this, it sounds like you are too invested in someone whom you haven’t hooked up with yet. If I ever feel my feelings hurt in situations like this I back off far away. There is no way to game her into liking you when you yourself are in a bad place emotionally. The only thing to do is to step back.

I wouldn’t say I am emotionally unstable right now, I’d say I was just confused at the time I wrote this post and wanted to learn from the experience. I was already moved on when she contacted me again so I had already stepped back. She much probably knows I might be into her and she could have done anything else but contact me.

> For about 24h I thought about canceling it

I recommend cancelling it. If your feelings are already hurt, it will probably get worse. It sounds like you are squarely in friend zone with this girl.

> Or should I avoid her other hookup topic at all costs to guarantee I can escalate properly?

Neither will really get you what you want here. Asking about her hookups would be a nice neg/disqualifier if you already have some attraction, but you probably don’t.

> how I’m like a second option.

I personally avoid going on dates like this. If a girl isn’t showing enough interest in me, going on that date will make me feel like shit. If she’s treating you like a second option and you act like a second option, you will end up feeling like a second option. Fuck that. You’re better than that.

Sure, it’s possible things will change around on this date. Your chance of hooking up with her on this date is not zero. But if you go on enough dates like this, you’ll get used to hanging out with women who aren’t attracted to you. You’re sending your body a message that you’re willing to accept second best.

Personally, I feel like my chances are way greater than zero and do not feel friendzone yet so that’s why I’m not cancelling but I am going with a mindset of “who cares” which is pretty much how I feel now. I have other dates in line, and I won’t feel like shit I’m sure. I will focus on having fun, make my moves and escalate this time and focus on being fun. If I she rejects my moves I’ll just shrug it and tell her to come back to me if she ever changes her mind otherwise I’ll just move on, it wasn’t my idea anyway. 🙂

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