Hi. I get cockblocked more than anyone on the planet. Please help.
September 27, 2014 at 9:22 pm #71646
OK–I’m not new here, although until today I hadn’t posted in awhile. My philosophy on the dating scene is a little different from some of the usual “PUA” approaches–which is basically that people who have somehow either managed to let go of their psychological/social/sexual baggage–or who never acquired this baggage in the first place, are the ones who have no trouble dating.
That said, I don’t date. Well, incredibly rarely. I’m the kind of person who gets in situations that seem like they’re really, really about to go somewhere exciting–then they don’t. I’m the person who goes on dates that last for hours and end up in political discussions while the girl eventually sleeps with some other character and vanishes. Now I know this is my fault–I’ve always had trouble “making the move” or, what some here call “escalating”. I don’t believe that you should always be escalating like some PUAs think, but my problem is not doing it. Why don’t I do this? Largely because there’s a huge part of me that doesn’t believe the results can be real. When things keep going to 75% and then stop dead, it becomes more and more impossible to believe that the last 25% (the hookup/sex part) is actually real. So I stop myself early–every time.
Which brings me to the cockblocking bit. Something ALWAYS gets in my way. Just last week I was in Istanbul, Turkey. I went into a bar where the barstaff were all new, trying to open a new place. 3 girls–all friendly. Of course this is part of the sales pitch, but they were all nice. I chatted with them, but hit it off particularly well with this one absolutely drop-dead gorgeous girl–Egyptian/Turkish–who actually seemed to like me. I’m wary of this–bartenders are paid to act this way and I’m not naive. So I said what the hell, I’ll give you my number and maybe we can meet for a drink tomorrow. I got her email too. She seemed into the idea. So next day, I sent an email–only partially expecting a response. But she answered me, and started sayign things like “I really want to see you” and “I’d like to spend hours talking with you again”. I was pretty shocked. Since I was leaving in a couple days, I said that I could drop by after she got off work (around 11 that night) or we could meet for lunch the next day. She said why don’t you come by after work. So I did.
Anyway, we chatted when I got there, and I said “ok, are you still up for a drink after you get off the clock?” She said yes–but that I should leave first and she’d meet me up the road a bit, so as not to be seen leaving with a customer. We said a public “OK, very nice to meet you”, and I left–not really expecting her to show up.
But she did. 10 minutes later she comes up the road and calls my name. I suggested we walk by some of the sights, and we started to walk and chat–but 5 minutes later a colleague of hers caught up with us and started chatting. I was hoping he’d leave, but nothign doing. So she said “Do you mind if he joins us?” and of course i said “sure, of course”. Anyway, he stayed with us the REST OF THE EVENING–and there was one point where she looked at me over his head and kind of smiled and rolled her eyes a bit, which I took to mean ‘sorry–this didn’t go as planned”. Anyway, in the end I was going one direction, and they the other, so we parted ways. I sent a quick email when I got back (it was an hour walk through Istanbul) which she answered.
Next day I was leaving, so I sent one more email suggesting that we didn’t quite get a chance to chat–and if she wanted to meet for lunch I’d be around a few more hours. She reponded really really late, so we didn’t meet. Then she didn’t respond to one last email I sent before leaving, or one that I sent a couple days ago. Now I’m in Spain, and she’s in Turkey, so it doesn’t really matter.
But this sort of thing ALWAYS happens to me–things look really promising, then something gets sabotaged. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do about it–but it’s making me reluctant to even talk to women because I’m subconsciously convinced that it’s going to stop dead in its tracks.
This ALWAYS happens. Any advice (to this long tale of woe) would be welcome!September 27, 2014 at 9:57 pm #71647SomeguyUKParticipant
There’s two possibilities here. It could be that the girl had a moment of insecurity, realised she didn’t know you that well, and asked the colleague to turn up ‘by suprise’. Second possibility is just that it’s bad luck. Let’s be honest, bad luck can happen at any moment in this game.
If you’re getting cockblocked all the time, maybe you need to work your game in different scenarios where it’s not possible? Are you a night game guy? Maybe if you are, day game would work for you more.
With regards to your first problem, maybe you are just not being sexual enough on your dates. I am still a beginner with cold approaches in the day but I’m great on dates, and although I agree that you don’t need to be ‘always escalating’, I think that being sexual is very important.September 27, 2014 at 10:08 pm #71649
The thing with the girl is weird–I mean she could simply have come up with about 5,000 excuses to not meet up with me, rather than saying “head up that way and I’ll meet you in 10 minutes’…but yeah, it’s possible. Anyway not like I’ll see her again but it would have been cool to stay in touch at least.
Other than that, I’m not really a day or night person–if I see a girl anywhere who seems cute/interesting I’d like to give it a shot, really. But the cockblocking happens all the time–once it was with a co-worker who was definitely into me–just ended up being bad luck. Another time with a friend but was progressing into something else… somehow I’m letting situations getin the way and I need to figure out how not to do that…
ANd last point–yeah it’s definitely true that i have a problem escalating on dates. I think for years I didnt’ really realize I was supposed to, so I never internalized it…have to work on that but it’s hard. I’m 40, so it’ not like I’m 18 and have all the time in the world to experiment..September 27, 2014 at 11:02 pm #71651SomeguyUKParticipant
Yeah I think you just need to see at as bad luck and not give up. I think if the girl is into you, she will want to see you again after the cockblocker is out of the way. Just don’t give up at the first hiccup.
I don’t think you need to be constantly escalating on dates. If you are a good conversation, and a bit of a challenge, you are halfway there. Just be a bit sexual. Talk about sex, make sexual jokes, flirt, make eye contact and touch her now and then. Move venues halfway through the night and go to a place where you can sit side-by-side if possible. Then go for the makeout.September 28, 2014 at 3:00 am #71656ryanoParticipant
So she said “Do you mind if he joins us?” and of course i said “sure, of course”.
I mean, you caused this. You should’ve pulled her aside and said “well if it’s ok I was hoping we could spend some private time together, no offense to your colleague”.
But instead you let them have their way with you. So it’s your doing.
I remember one time I was supposed to meet a date at the park and when I met her she was sitting with another girlfriend of hers. And I introduced myself to both of them. I then said “not to be impolite, but I thought we were supposed to be on a date together just us”. She said, “sorry but my girlfriend needs to meet who I date with so I thought she could stick around for awhile”. And to that point I said, “sorry, doesn’t work that way with me. Take care” and I left.
Stand firmly on your ground and your needs in this world.
And far as escalation it’s the same deal. You really need to be true to your own needs. You’re afraid the girl will not reciprocate, but guess what. They don’t all reciprocate. You’ll lose alot of battles. But you need to be ok with walking away from situations, or be okay that girls need to walk if they don’t like what you’re about.
You said you have political debates with women. That’s great, but you and I both know it won’t lead to sex. So just know what you want. (is it sex?) and go for it. And be OK that some girls won’t be down for it.
A big element of game is what’s called “screening”. let’s say I’m only looking for sex on a date. That means I try to invite ALL girls back to my place at the end of the date. Some will say “no” and some will say “yes”. But it’s very important that I screen them because that’s the only way to get success. You need to have a clear picture of what you want and seek out those people.
Do you live in a big city?September 28, 2014 at 8:59 am #71662
That’s some good advice, Ryan– I like your girl-at-the-park example. I’ve often had trouble doing things that might make other people feel annoyed/uncomfortable (such as telling someone to go away so that I can be alone with a girl). It’s something I need to work on.September 28, 2014 at 2:38 pm #71663ryanoParticipant
Thanks, yeah what you’re going through is well known in this community and I’ve experienced it many times as well.
Paul Janka called this getting a woman to reach a “Decision Node”. Where you purposely put your foot down as far as what you want and either the girl goes with it or she rejects you. So in a way you’re forcing her to make a decision about where she wants to go and you’re almost welcoming rejection because you know a certain percent of girls will go for what you want so it doesn’t matter if this specific one does reject you.
GLL also talks about this, but he calls it “Screening”.
“If you aren’t getting ‘rejected’ enough initially, you aren’t really screening girls. On most nights, I need a certain amount of girls to Get Lost until I find a candidate(s) that are sexually available and worth my time.”
Another guy, Mark Manson, calls this “Polarization”. He has a book called “Models” with a whole chapter “Polarizing To Attract” devoted to this. Here’s an excerpt:
“Like I mentioned earlier the most common strategy with guys who are inexperienced with women is to be ‘liked by all; hated by none.’ but when it comes to being intimate with women, this is a horrible strategy.”
… “Rejection exists for a reason — it’s a means to keep people who are not good for each other apart. Men don’t seem to understand if a woman rejects him because he’s short, or because she doesn’t like his hair, or because she finds him boring, then he wasn’t going to want to be with her anyway. Again, it’s guys with alot of neediness who are willing to alter their personalities to seduce ANY woman.”September 28, 2014 at 5:28 pm #71666The_HurricaneKeymaster
Ryan is right. You should always be escalating. That girl should have made the decision that she might wind up sleeping with you before she agreed to meet you, and the only way to get her to make that decision is to make it clear that that is what you wanted. You didn’t make it clear. There were many possible outcomes, including sex, but also including a nice comfortable conversation over wine with someone who is just in her city for a little while. In the latter case, inviting a male friend to join doesn’t sound so strange.
–LeeSeptember 29, 2014 at 12:10 pm #71681CartooxParticipant
it seems that what’s holding back your progress, at least partially, is in your head. To quote you ” Largely because there’s a huge part of me that doesn’t believe the results can be real”
Essentially, you’re blocking yourself.
if you don’t believe you’re going to get any action with your date, it’s going to show through in your behavior and speech, and you probably wont get any action. These things are the ultimate self-fulfilling prophecies.
Eric has a great old post about in in his Blog section of this website, called ” Getting Physical, a Woman’s perspective ” posted in the category First dates, sex & escalation.
I would also recommend reading “No more Mr nice guy ” by Robert Glover , and “Models ” by Mark Manson as mentioned also by Ryano.
When a new girl goes out with you, some part of her is evaluating you as a potential sex partner as well. Escalation is not only expected, but she expects you as the man, to initiate.
To set the tone Sexual right from the start is a lot easier than trying to go sexual once you’re mired in a conversation about politics.
Me : ” Hey, you look really hot/sexy in that outfit….I like that you took the effort to come out looking nice tonight, come on, lets get something to drink first ” and then I’ll tug at her triceps or shoulder , and start walking. ( I’ll say this right at the start of the date, when I first see her )
I’m with Lee on how you interacted with the Turkish girl.October 8, 2014 at 3:48 pm #71772uadialejParticipant
I don’t think you need to be constantly escalating on dates. If you are a good conversation, and a bit of a challenge, you are halfway there. Just be a bit sexual. Talk about sex, make sexual jokes, flirt, make eye contact and touch her now and then. Move venues halfway through the night and go to a place where you can sit side-by-side if possible. Then go for the makeout.
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