girl did not want to meet after sex.
January 28, 2014 at 6:02 am #71147
After a long day of day game, which was full of rejections, I decided to call it a day and do one last approach. Got a pretty petit cute girl. A bit older than me (she’s 31). I can feel she was into me, so I took her to a nearby park to sit n chat. About 15 mins in and I decide to go for the kiss. She was a little hesitant, but very quickly gave in after a few seconds. I decided there to take a quick subway ride near her place. She agreed.
We’re near her neighborhood and she initiates we go to a bar. I had a better idea and told her lets just grab a can of beer and go hang out at her place. She gives me a quick look (that look). Then agrees.
We’re at her place and we chill, talk, drink, and listen to some music. After about 20 mins we make out again and I tell her she hasn’t showed me her bedroom yet. As we’re laying in her bed, she tells me we’re not gonna have sex and if this is all you want then I can leave. So I do the exact opposite and keep trying to push for sex (in a cool fun way).
She tells me the last guy hurt her a bit because he just had a one night with her and never returned her text. She told me she felt “used” and didn’t want to go through it again.
I tell her honestly i’m not looking for a relationship, but I wouldn’t just leave her stranded either.
finally, after about 30-40 mins of getting her clothes off she gives in and we have sex. (She was definitely experienced) I almost wonder if she was just out there to find a guy to take her home.
I stay the night. Next morning I buy her lunch.
The part I think I messed up is setting up another meeting for the next day. Because when I texted her that evening she gave me an excuse that she had to wake up early the next day and asked to meet again maybe the week after.
Do u guys think I should just let this be what it is and move on? Or try to meet her again for second time? Did she didn’t want to meet me again bc maybe she thought it was bad sex? I felt it wasn’t so bad. But who knows. Any advice is appreciated.January 28, 2014 at 9:45 am #71148
This is always an interesting phenomenon (in my opinion anyway), and I’ve written about it before.
Here are some possibilities:
1. Yes, it could have been bad sex in her opinion
2. She may have decided she made a “mistake” again and wanted to cut things off and put it all behind her
3. She may be conflicted about the whole thing in light of her other experiences, so she’s very uncertain/ hesitant
4. She may just be very fucked up in terms of her sex life right now–she can’t resist hot guys but she’s not being responsible with her own emotions
5. She may genuinely just be busy and wants you to keep taking the initiative
6. She may just need some space before seeing you again
Any or all of these could apply.
I think given what you told her about not wanting a relationship (which was awesome BTW–a lot of guys would not say that), and her going ahead with the sex anyway, she’s seeing you as exactly that: a potential fuck buddy. So making plans for the day after contradicts that, and smells more like a relationship.
If you want a fuck buddy, keep it to once per week. And don’t text that frequently.
It’s too premature to call it quits. I would wait a few days, try her again (maybe even try her a few more times over the next few weeks–just 2 or 3 text messages over 3 weeks or so, can’t really hurt). Depending on how much effort you want to make. After that leave it.January 28, 2014 at 3:01 pm #71149
Thanks introverted playboy.
Yeah. I go through so many different results it’s funny. I’m always trying to move things fast. But I wonder if I move too fast sometimes. Because if I do, I feel like the girl knows all I want is sex. Nowadays, I go on numerous dates, but they don’t always turn out how I want them to. I’ll give you a few examples…
The other week. I take this girl out for a quick bite of pizza, then after that we go back to her place. She’ll fool around, but she won’t go any further. Not even taking her clothes off. Believe me I played push n pull with this girl. When she didn’t want to even kiss me at first. I backed away and she gave me an excuse that she was getting cold. So, I went in to grab her and pull her in again. Finally she makes out with me, but everything else was a no. She did not return my texts after our date. Fml.
Just today, I take a girl out. We grab a coffee, go for a walk. I make the move she backs away saying this is not what she thought was gonna happen and that she just wanted to be friends. Time waster. I quickly told her that’s not what I want and we split.
Last weekend I meet a girl alone. She tells me she has a boyfriend.
These girls know that I wanted to take them out alone. I flirt with them give them little hints and yet they still agreed to come and meet me alone, but at the last minute they say or do something else.
Of course this doesn’t happen all the time, but it feels like its been happening more recently.
I have problems getting the girl out again. Or I just give up bc I keep finding new dates and not care about the old ones. Then sometimes when the new ones don’t work out, I try to go back to the old ones, but they’ve already forgot all about me. Or don’t want to meet again.
I hope you guys can follow what i’m talking about lol. I’m just typing my thoughts really fast.
Here’s how my dates usually looks like:
Find, approach 5-10 min chat, exchange numbers, text a meeting time, meet, grab eats or coffee 20-30 mins, take her to a park or outside to sit, then I go for the make out…
This is the point where I see if she’s into me or not… sometimes it gets awkward and I know this is not going anywhere, so I usually just slit ways. Or if it works then its to the bedroom. Recently there’s been a lot of awkwardness.
Is it that i’m moving too fast? Not connecting emotionally? Not deep diving? I need some explanation why these girls i’m meeting even after sex won’t get back with me.
Its a lot I wanted to vent out. Haha.
This is the only forum I turn to for real help though.January 28, 2014 at 5:17 pm #71150
I want to comment on your first post about a situation in which a girl bails on you after sex. It’s a common problem and there could be many different reasons for it, but here is one modification to the script that you should consider making. Do not sleep over. Go home after sex. And if you have to sleep over, get up early, kiss her on the cheek, and get out of there. Usually, the sex is not the problem. The problem is the sudden sense of unplanned intimacy. A long date followed by a sleepover followed by lunch? Too much! It’s like you’ve been dating for a year. When a guy overcommits to a new relationship, girls discount his value based on the idea that he probably doesn’t have much else going on. Crowding her is a sure way to get her to lose interest. Remember, you always want to leave on an energy peak. There is no peak higher than sex itself. Leaving soon after that moment creates a sense of uncertainty that women find challenging and exciting. Staying the whole night and into the next day relieves that sense of uncertainty and makes them question your value. On the first few dates, you want the tension. You don’t want to give her absolute certainty of your interest. Of course, that goes double for asking her out right away. You should have waited for that as well. It’s a sign that you are the one looking for certainty, which should be her role, not yours.
–LeeJanuary 29, 2014 at 5:25 am #71151
I see what you mean lee.
And yes, that is what I should have done.
Although, there has been times when i’ve stuck around after sex and the girl still wants to see me again. There’s also been times when i’ve left after the sex and she still didn’t want see me again. I’ve tried many ways. I do stick around more often than leave however, so I will start working on leaving an uncertainty in the girls mind.January 29, 2014 at 5:24 pm #71152
The thing about all of the strategies we talk about here is that there’s a lot of noise. You can do everything right and lose the girl or do everything wrong and get the girl, which is part of what makes learning good game so hard. However, the advice I gave you still stands. Over-commitment – especially after physical intimacy – can kill attraction. Think of it this way. A woman giving a man sex too quickly can lower her value in his eyes. A man giving a woman what does the same thing? The answer is commitment. If you stay the night and then take her to lunch and then ask her out, guess how she sees that? Commitment.
–LeeJanuary 29, 2014 at 9:49 pm #71153
On this that you mentioned:
“I’m always trying to move things fast. But I wonder if I move too fast sometimes. Because if I do, I feel like the girl knows all I want is sex.”
But is that all you want?
I totally hear you and I’ve definitely been in the same place as what you’re describing in the rest of your comment.
Let me offer you a different perspective on this issue. If what you really want is sex, then maybe you shouldn’t be taking girls out at all. Or if you do, then really lay on the sexual energy in the approach and even over text so that it’s clear exactly what you want beforehand. If she isn’t down for that, then she won’t meet up with you and you don’t waste your time.
But if you want to take girls out and spend nonsexual time with them, then you don’t have to get sexual early on. And accept a longer time frame before sex happens.
The problem with a lot of guys is they want to have their cake and eat it too: they don’t want to take the risk of expressing strong sexual desire and risk being rejected, but they expect the girl to be highly sexualized and go to bed quickly.
When you mention “I flirt with them give them little hints” honestly to me that just sounds like you’re not being clear enough. You think it’s obvious, but it’s not. In her mind, you’re a guy who is attracted to her, great–that doesn’t tell her whether you want quick sex tonight or sex over the course of 3 weeks and 5 dates.
The unfortunate fact is that many or most women put guys into one of two categories: (1) quick sex/ fun/ one night stand, (2) boyfriend/ relationship potential. Threading the needle between these two (a casual/ open but still longer term relationship) is not impossible, but it is much less common and hard to do.
Just today, I take a girl out. We grab a coffee, go for a walk. I make the move she backs away saying this is not what she thought was gonna happen and that she just wanted to be friends.
This is EXACTLY, almost word for word, what happened to me one time. Haha. The thing is, I thought it had been obvious when I met her that I was interested sexually. But in hindsight, it really wasn’t that obvious–I hadn’t said anything particularly sexual, and there had been no physical contact.
Consider what you’re really saying to the girls, the message they’re hearing. You want to filter out the incompatible girls to not waste your time.January 31, 2014 at 5:28 am #71154
Lee, you definitely painted a clear picture in my head when you described how I would value the girl if she gave it up too soon. It’s so funny bc it excites me so much in the begining when the girl is okay to sleep with me so fast, but afterwards I feel she has no value and I lose interest pretty fast.
Introverted playboy, I’m relieved to know there’s guys who have/had the same problems as me. hah. I’ll tell you a brief history of how I think I got to this mentality, bc obviously I didn’t always have the same perception:
In all my previous readings I learned to move fast. At first, I didn’t move fast enough and didn’t get the girl, then after taking new bolder steps, I gradually begin to take girls on instant dates (I stopped doing instant dates btw), kiss on same day, then eventually sleeping with the girl on the same day.
My ego got big and I thought I proved myself eveything, then as time passes, I began to feel I needed something more. That means, prettier girls, more girls, different nationalities, etc. I just wanted to preove myself I can do these things. But in the back of my mind I wanted to find that special girl. All these girls I’ve met never striked me as that “special girl”, I could see as a long term partner. I’m not seeking for one either, but in the back of my mind that is what I ultimately want. Even when I meet a pretty girl in the beginning and take her out or even have sex with her, I think I could see her as long term, but that quickly changes.
It’s weird for me. It’s almost like that special girl is just a fantasy I’m living in my head and she’s only an illusion. And the real girls are there to satisfy my need for the time till I find her.
I’m moving girls much much faster than I used to. So yes, I’ve developed that mentality of “so what if I lose her?” In doing so, sometimes I’ll even initiate sex less than an hour of knowing her, which I’ve got in the past. But I see it as a selfish move. In return, they all view me as the “One Night Stand Guy” Never wanting to see me again. That brings me down sometimes, but I keep it moving.
I feel like I’m in a stuck situation which is hard for me to steer away. With this girl in the post, I can care less if I lose her or if I don’t see her again. I only want to see her again for the sole purpose of sex. Like a drug, finding a quick fix and if I don’t have it, it bothers me. (maybe I feel this way bc I used to be an addict when I was younger for a long time? I don’t know).
Anyways to be honest, I would like to find that one girl, but I wonder how fast I’ll get bored of her. I don’t know because I’ve never had a true true relationship before.
That is why I believe I’m moving girls too fast these days. I just don’t care, But I only want the satisfaction they’ll see me again for sex. At the same time I would like a girl I can spend quality time with. This shit is even complicating to me. haha.February 1, 2014 at 3:14 am #71157
You mention “special girl.” Not everyone is made for a single, exclusive relationship. In fact the whole polyamory/ polygamous thing is becoming much more popular these days because more and more people are realizing they can’t be 100% satisfied with just one person.
So maybe that’s true for you too. Maybe you could be in a relationship with a woman, but still sleep with others (and the same for your partner).
What you have to remember is that no one is perfect. You will never meet the perfect girl. She doesn’t exist. You will, however, meet some amazing, beautiful, smart and lovely women.
This relates to this idea of not “valuing” a girl when she has sex too soon. That Madonna/ whore kind of thing is very common in our culture, but it’s very destructive (in my view) because it makes sex (and women’s sexuality especially) a really big deal. And it plays right into the idea of “the perfect woman.”
If sex was not a big accomplishment or achievement then maybe you would be able to see a girl as long term potential even if she had sex quickly.
The truth is, you’re a very sexual guy with strong urges, so any girl who would be compatible with you long term would have to be very sexual as well.
As far as actually finding that long term partner (whether exclusive or nonexclusive), it’s a risk. Just like the risks you took when you first started picking up girls, this is risky territory. Except the risk now is of a more emotional nature. You have to be willing to really open up, let her in, and run the risk of her rejecting you, the real you, instead of the game/ sexual escalation version of you.
It’s definitely another level of game, beyond just the ability to get laid (which you have already got handled).
I actually plan on writing more about this on my blog.
Hope that helps.February 3, 2014 at 11:24 am #71159
What makes a good date? So that she’ll think about me and would WANT to see me again instead of me trying to push for the second?
The reason I ask this is because I really want to change my strategy. I don’t have much of a problem getting the girls out at first. A good amount of girls get interested in me at first. Then I’m either moving too fast or not showing enough care I blow it on the first date.
I have a few new dates coming up this week actually and I want to do it differently. Is it REALLY important to push sex on the first towards the end of the night? My thoughts were always yes and do it fast.
I wonder though, if I don’t even try and just hang out and have fun/flirty/sexy will that leave a good enough impression for her to see me again? Or will it be that she’ll still likely be having second thoughts about me because there was no sex? And that she’s thinking maybe I would make a friend bc there was no sex.
I want to really master this first date thing.
Could someone give me an example of a good first date looks like, so I can go off that example and actually not scare these girls away. Even after sex.February 7, 2014 at 8:43 pm #71162
I was hesitant to answer this post because first date game is such a personal thing. You can’t just do a personality switch on the first date. Your personality has to be consistent with the image that you’ve been projecting when you meet women.
That having been said, the problems you’ve described – pushing for sex, getting it, and then getting no follow up – is symptomatic of low value game. There are many women out there looking for validation, and when you chase them – when you make them feel sexy by showing a lot of interest, both sexually and otherwise – you increase the chances of getting them into bed even as you decrease their perception of your value.
For a man, what’s a healthy attitude about a woman you just met, an attitude that she would expect from the most desirable men? The answer is skepticism. The most desirable men are always a little skeptical that the women they meet are good enough for them. It takes a lot of evidence and quite a bit of time for them to arrive at the conclusion that a particular woman is good enough for them.
Many men don’t understand this skepticism because they don’t really have a set of criteria – other than physical beauty – by which they judge women to be valuable. If that is you – if all you care about is how pretty she is – then it will be harder for you to reverse the power dynamic, to get her to start chasing you. Your whole game will depend on how valuable you are – your stories, your body language, your looks, etc.
Instead of spending your first date making her feel good about herself, you should figure out a way to get across to her how valuable you are. One way is not to push for sex on the first date. You have plenty of sex and, while you like it, you don’t desperately need more. That’s the image you should be projecting. You should not be afraid to touch her or to talk about inappropriate subjects, but it shouldn’t feel to her like that’s the only thing on your mind, like you don’t get enough of that. It’s much more powerful when you are the one who ends a kiss, or, better yet, when you can get one any time but don’t wind up abusing that privilege. Another way you can show your value is by being the one to end the date.
You have even more leverage to project value if you’re attracted to women for more than just their looks. You can start asking questions about books they’ve read, movies they’ve seen, places they’ve travelled, and so on. Don’t be afraid to make them a little uncomfortable that they may not meet your standards. That’s exactly what you want. Your high standards will increase their attraction to you. That’s the kind of behavior they expect from the most desirable men.
Finally, there are little things you can do that help reverse the power dynamic. For example, when you end a date suddenly, you will often get the question, “Are we going to see each other again?” For most men, the temptation to say yes is overwhelming, but that is exactly why doing the opposite has such power. You can say “That depends. I’m going to go home and take out a big yellow pad. I’m going to draw a line down the middle and write all of the good things about you on one side and all of the bad things about you on the other. Then I’m just going to count and if the list of good things is longer than the list of bad things, yeah, sure, we can hang again. (Pause) But you should do the same.” At that point, she shouldn’t really be able to tell if you’re kidding or not, but just the very idea that you haven’t made up your mind about her is going to scramble her brain, and the more attractive she is, the better it works.
Until that more intimate date – ideally, the second or third – resist the temptation to relieve her uncertainty about your interest. You will probably lose some girls as you calibrate this attitude, but you will have better second and third dates, and you won’t have so many women disappearing after intimacy.
–LeeFebruary 11, 2014 at 11:12 am #71169
Lee. You knock so much truth into me, it hurts.
just last night, I met this swedish flight attendant for the second time. She hits me up letting me know she’ll be in town for 36 hrs. We grab some quick dinner and right away we head over to her hotel room.
This girl was so incredibly sexy I swear I was falling for her only bc of her looks (as u mentioned). I lowered my value bc I was just so turned on by this girl I was chasing sex AFTER we had sex. Twice.
In the back of my mind I knew she was leaving tmr and I wanted to fuck her as much as I can while she was laying naked next to me.
Of course what did I do? I stayed the night with her. But this time as you’ve mentioned I left early in the morning. Which she seemed perfectly okay with.
I knew I had a bad feeling by her reaction. Early she 87had asked me if she wanted to go shopping with her tmr. I said okay. (Stupid)
Next day comes (today) she tells me her flight back home turned out to be earlier and that she won’t have time to hang out tonight.
Irritated and a bit of that heart broken feelin. Not like a oneitus but still shitty. I say goodbye to her n have a safe flight back. She mentions hanging out again when she comes back. Who knows.
I gave in to a lot of temptation with her only bc the time we had was so limited. But in turn that really didn’t help me out either.
I do try and really implement what u tell me but that temptation is what fucks it up for me. You teach great self discipline and that’s what I need to work on.
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