Frustrated to the max
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October 22, 2015 at 3:01 pm #73364
What’s going on guys. Wanted to share some info with you and vent my frustration.
Been dating for a while and got much better at approaching. However I find it super hard to deal with when you trying to startstart a relationship.
Few examples. I’m doing a lot of online dating. Met a girl online. Seemed like we clicked. 3rd date we kissed. Then it went stale. She always had a reason to say she has plans. 3 months passed without talking. Then I reinitiated. We went on 4 more dates after that. Still didn’t get anywhere. I got fed up and told her what I think and why is she wasting our time. Finally she responded that she likes to hang out with me and wants me to be in her life but she doesn’t feel sexual attraction and was selfish not letting me go.
Another example. Met the girl at the bar, amazing connection. We hooked up the same night. Decided to go on the date later on the same week. Day comes, she bails saying she got sick. Few days later she tells me she went back to her ex.
Next one. Met online. Went on a date. Great connection. She initiated intimacy, took my hand, we lightly kissed. The day after I text her, no response. Text her next day, she finally responds that she just met a guy last week and that she feels wrong to talk to me. Which is fine. I asked why bother going on the date with me? Response is she said she didn’t think it will get any serious but it started.
At this point I’m so mentally exhausted, going on dates, investing and nothing happens. Start over. Starting to think perhaps something wrong with me.
What are your thoughts on this? Should I just take a break dating? Or perhaps I should change my behavior with women. Few girls told me that they don’t see me as a serious guyguy. They see me as I now around a lot and sleep with lots of women.October 22, 2015 at 3:01 pm #73365
Sorry for thy long post.October 22, 2015 at 3:59 pm #73366Eric DiscoKeymaster
I can understand your frustration. I’ve been there myself. Sometimes trying to date women you wonder if you have leprosy and nobody’s telling you.
Online dating can in some ways be more daunting than approaching women. That’s because you are investing a lot more with a woman before you know whether she is attracted to you. You might spend three hours with her on that first date and then you never hear from her again. Ouch! That will leave you feeling like there is something wrong with you. Contrast this with approaching a woman and getting rejected after a minute. I’m not saying you shouldn’t do online dating, I do it. Just saying that it can be emotionally draining.
There’s a few things I would recommend for you. The first is to find something that interests you more than women. Relationships with women work better when that relationship is secondary to something else in your life.
For example, when I was writing a book, finishing my book was more important to me than any one woman. And they felt that. Women were attracted to me because I had a passion. When I finished my book and had no passion in my life, my dating life started to suffer even though I was focusing on it more. Then when I found another passion, dating became easier again. If your emotional well-being is linked to being with a woman, they will feel it and lose attraction for you.
My second recommendation is to have a gameplan for when you start to get into a relationship with a woman. Your plan includes when and what you text her, where you take her on dates, how long those dates are, how soon you hook up with her, etc.
So for example, after your first online date, what do you text her? Maybe the next day you text her a ping, “I think I need to find a job with half the hours that pays me twice as much.” After she responds, you say, “I’m gonna check out an art gallery opening on Thursday, want to join me?”
When you text her, what you text, how soon you text her, where you take her out, the length of your date–all that stuff is variable. The plan here is to reduce as many variables as possible. If you keep changing everything up, you won’t know what works and what doesn’t work.
Once you have a gameplan, you can start to change up the variables to see where you might be fucking up. Maybe wait two days to text her after your date. Then the next time, text her right after the date or even invite her on the next date during the first date. Maybe only have one single drink with a girl and end the date after that. See how that works. Play around with being more coy versus more straight forward.
Once you find something that works, keep doing it! Try to only change up one variable at a time so that you can really tell what works and what doesn’t.
The other benefit of this is that you can actually ask someone (like us) to help fill in the gaps if you feel your game is weak somewhere.
EricOctober 22, 2015 at 5:54 pm #73367
Thanks for responding.
Totally, it’s emotionally draining. You spend time, invest and then nothing. What bothers me is they act like they interested and I do feel like they were. I usually send something flirty like a pic or something we talked about.
I tried changing things around. The one thing I noticed that girls who I am on the date with and I show interest cause I see they are interested, later I get dead end. And girls who I completely don’t give a thing about are later interested in me. Most of the time it happens though that I’m not sexually attracted to those girls.
But you’re right. I should act like I’m less interested in them.
Here’s another example, I met the girl at the private party. We talked a bit through texts then set up a casual date. Went out for few drinks, kissed after. She texted me she had amazing time. That same night which was Wednesday we decided to go on another date on Sunday. Sunday comes and she bails saying she’s coming down with a flu. Obviously blow off. Why all of the sudden cold feet?
I have no problem approaching women in bars or lounges. I usually get the number. But a lot of times it goes now her.November 3, 2015 at 10:34 pm #73372SomeguyUKParticipant
It’s interesting to me that one girl said ‘she didn’t think it would go anywhere serious but it started’, while other girls see you as someone that sleeps with a lot of women.
What actually is your goal in all this? (be honest)November 5, 2015 at 4:55 pm #73373
She meant serious with another guy. That’s why she decided to stop talking to me.
I’m actually trying to settle down and meet the right partner at this point.November 21, 2015 at 2:26 am #73405eighteenParticipant
Trust me, I know the feeling. I question what must be wrong with me all the time.
That said, Eric’s suggestion makes a lot of sense. If you are fixing a car or debugging code, the rule is always to isolate your variables and then test.
One other thought. I’ve read that most women, not necessarily 9s or 10s, are rarely concerned with one particular guy because another one will be along in 6 minutes. So, it could be the length of time between contact. A way to test this might be to take her to a number of different places on a single date, simulating multiple dates. You want her to feel as if she’s been on three or four dates with you. If she does, you should be able to see it through changes in her comfort behavior towards you at the end of the ‘excursions’.
Hope this helps!
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