July 12, 2017 at 11:13 pm #73786
Progress has been great as I continue to go out each day. I’m noticing more and more positive interactions. Even in the interactions when I get ‘blown out’ the girls are almost always smiling when they leave and seemed to have a fun time, even if the interaction takes 30 seconds or less. I’m realizing one of my greatest strengths is making people laugh quickly through just basic situational humor and it seems to be really working in my favor even when the person I’m talking to isn’t acting attracted to me. Awesome!
My question today comes from how to position myself throughout these interactions.
I’ll give an example of my standard interaction: I stop a girl on an exercise trail walking or running towards me. I put out my hand and make very direct eye contact to signal I want them to stop and take their head phones out. I then immediately face my entire body the direction I had previously been walking, with my head turned to them. As I deliver the opener, about half way through the line, “Do you know if there’s a coffee shop along this trail?” I turn my head to look out into the distance. At this point my whole body and gaze is facing away from her. She’s at ~75 degrees to my left or right.
As she starts to answer I linger my gaze straight ahead, away from her (I find this makes me seem far less eager, almost like I’m distracted by trying to find a coffee shop). Mid way through her answer I turn my head to face her, with my body still facing the direction I was walking and make eye contact. Almost any time I talk, I hold eye contact for the first half, then look away for the second. This results in about 60% eye contact, 40% looking into the distance.
However, I’m not sure if I should continue this for the entire interaction. Once I transition to talking about her, it starts to feel weird to face away. My interest is now in her, as dictated by the conversation, it seems appropriate to face her. But facing her directly still seems a bit intense.
Her body language is usually directly facing me at this point, or positioned half way between the path she was going and me, at a 45 degree angle to my position. We are usually about an arm’s length apart at this stage.
Could you walk me through a standard interaction from opener to number close? How is your body positioned at each stage? When do you face her; turn away? If sitting down this is pretty obvious, so I guess I’m asking in relation to standing up.
Thanks!July 13, 2017 at 6:22 pm #73787
So we are talking about two things here: the direciton your body is facing and whether or not you are looking her in the eyes. In terms of eye contact, what you’re doing sounds about right. When she’s talking, you should look her in the eyes. When you’re talking is where you can play around with things. You typically don’t want to stare at her the entire time you’re talking. You can start by looking her in the eyes and then drifting off. Or do the opposite. The main idea here is that you don’t want to give her too much eye contact at the beginning.
In terms of where your body is facing, I like to open them shoulder-to-shoulder if possible. The cover of my book is an example of that. It’s the most comfortable body language. However, if she is stopped and talking with you, you are going to have to turn into her a bit more. The more you’re turned into her, the farther away you have to stand to give her room. And the less you’re turned into her, the closer you can stand. There’s no way I could be standing that close to the girl on the cover if I were facing her. 75 degrees sounds okay but you might want to play around with less. And I wouldn’t turn more into her as you start to talk, just look her in the eyes more.
EricJuly 14, 2017 at 2:30 am #73788
Ok so my body really is rooted the entire time? As in, it doesn’t pivot turn, fidget or move almost in any way. I should stand there like a god damn Greek statue haha!
One thing I was playing around with today which actually is been pretty effective to change her body language to match mine is pointing.
I do 95% of my going out every day on a running trail because it’s about 7 feet from my house, so most of the girls I talk to are running towards me or walking and have their headphones in. I find I have to open people walking towards me because it’s nearly impossible to stop them when they are running the same direction as I’m walking. That means I have to be looking behind me constantly which is super weird.
I make eye contact, stop them, and then point in the direction they were coming from (the direction I’m facing). I pause here, pointing, acting like I’m thinking of the words I’m about to say while my arm is outstretched. This process takes all of 2 seconds, but it makes them turn to see what I’m pointing at. Now they are facing the same way as me! I can move shoulder to shoulder with them, and then continue to open as normal.
It’s a double bonus because it breaks logical momentum. If they are facing the way they were just coming from that feeling of urgency to continue down their path is stinted. I’m finding that having people running or walking towards me do a 180 has a HUGE increase in success. They will continue to talk to me for far longer.
This stuff is so interesting and fun! I love it!
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