Bah. Batting zero on everything…but another text question:

[MrAntiquity]

OK–I asked a girl out a few weeks back–she gave me her number. I called when I got back–we talked for a few minutes. She was busy last week, but suggested that this week would be better. That was last Wed. I posted something to this effect earlier.

Ok–so I waited–then sent a text on Sun, not asking her out but saying hi, hope you finished the project you were working on, I’m exploring the city this weekend, bla bla.”

She texted me the following afternoon saying “Hi! Yeah, lot of work this weekend 🙂 [so nothing demonstrating interest really–but we did have a tentative plan for the week]

I texted her back that evening, several hours later (Mon) saying hi back, and suggesting Wed or Thurs to meet up for a drink.

She got back to me the next day saying that she’s got a ton of work going on at the moment–enjoy the holiday break!

OK, so I’m taking this (obviously) as a rejection. I did text back saying “No worries–good luck with the class!”

Boring. A couple of questions:

1. Where might I have gone wrong here–it seemed like getting her phone number initially and having her propose an alternate time when I asked her out could have been promising.
2. I figure that sending a text even after getting shot down is better than sending nothing and looking annoyed (in silence)–but was that the best thing I could have sent?
3. Is it worth pinging her again just randomly in a couple of weeks?

and

4. This girl is someone who tutors me in Spanish sometimes (once every few momths). I was thinking about doing another session in Jan. or Feb–and I’d probably request her because she is good. Would you recommend against that–or just going ahead as if nothing’s a big deal? (again, I’m inclined to the latter).

Thanks forum.

[The_Hurricane]

First, this is one of the reasons that, when it comes to asking out people you’re going to see again and again, the approach I recommend is to name a specific activity at a specific time, and ask her to tag along. You would have gotten your answer right then and there. If she’s not interested, she would have told you she can’t make it that day, and would not have suggested an alternative. You’ve probably gone back and forth because she couldn’t say no to your face. All you did by asking her directly is make it more awkward for her.

Second, you shouldn’t have mentioned anything about the date unless she gave you the type of buy-in that indicates she wants to see you. Probably wouldn’t have made a difference, but, sometimes, when they’re sitting on that fence, it does.

Regarding pinging, it’s costless. Send her a little flirty text a few weeks from now and see if she gives you some buy-in. Probably not.

Finally, regarding having her as a teacher, it would have been better not to put her on the spot, but is it a big deal? No.

–Lee

[MrAntiquity]

@Lee–

Thanks for that. One thing that minimizes the awkwardness a bit is that i was done with the class and didn’t have anything else signed up–so it’s not like I’ll be seeing her in class unless I sign up down the road.

But ultimately isn’t it usually best to ask someone in person rather than via phone/text? You’re right–I should have suggested something instead of saying “let’s get a drink at some point” or whatever i said, but I still think it was probably the right thing to do to catch her at the end of the class–otherwise I wouldn’t have done it at all…

[SomeguyUK]

No joy with the wine lady then, MrA? What happened?

[MrAntiquity]

@SG:

Ah–the girl who visited me this weekend? I tested the waters a bit but decided not to press too much–some flirtation/touching but I was getting a lukewarm reaction–also there’s someone she’s kind of dating back home so I decided not to go for the somewhat-meaningless weekend hookup. I feel fine about that. A bit disappointed about the other one (the girl in this thread) as I thought I might at least be able to get her out for a drink and see if anything could develop.

Deal with that girl (the Spanish tutor) probably IS that she’s really busy but wasn’t invested to have gone out of her way to make anything happen. Oh well–maybe I’ll send a quick note around the holidays and see if the picks it up–but as Lee said, not really likely. Might see her again in a class later on.

[MrAntiquity]

On the bright side, though…

the whole exchange was in Spanish 😉

Although now I can’t get laid in two languages….

[MrAntiquity]

btw @Lee–

Could you post your email address again?

thx–

[SomeguyUK]

I think a meaningless weekend lay might have boosted your confidence with escalating! But fair enough, maybe you could have pushed harder but it’s probably not worth risking a friendship over.

On to the next 🙂

[The_Hurricane]

lee@effortlessgame.com

[MrAntiquity]

@Lee–

Question. You posted this, about the girl I mentioned earlier. There was never really any flirting, and she basically backed down on the pseudo-date as I mentioned earlier because she had “lots of work” (ok, we all know what that meant).

“Regarding pinging, it’s costless. Send her a little flirty text a few weeks from now and see if she gives you some buy-in. Probably not.”

So in the case of a mild shoot-down like that, would you still recommend a flirty text message even though there wasn’t much going on? Old phone–all text– so no pictures of bears or Russian girls falling on the ice for me 🙂

As you said, not expecting much, but hey. Keep in mind I may see her again at some point in Feb or March for another language session, but don’t know yet.

[The_Hurricane]

The less traction, the less buy-in you have, the more you should be swinging for the bleachers. Take chances. Be outrageous. Of course, most of us go the other way. We get more conservative after getting shot down, but that’s a mistake.

Your situation is complicated by the fact that you may have to deal with her in a non-romantic context. Hence, your ping can’t be overtly sexual. That aside, a lukewarm hello is not going to change your situation. You have to take a chance.

–Lee

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