After disappearing (advice)

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  • #73799

    twocities
    Participant

    Hey guys, bear with me on this one…

    We met last August. I had just arrived on campus for my senior year of college. She had just transferred in, being two years younger. I gradually started seeing her more and more often. By December we were clearly acting like a couple.

    I held off on a relationship. She was going to study abroad during the spring. I would graduate, with plans to do a summer internship overseas, and then attend grad school possibly somewhere far away.

    It would be best to first see where I end up going to grad school, and if we’d be comfortable with the distance.

    She accepted that. We agreed to stay in touch while she’s abroad, and did a pretty good job at it.

    Fast forward to May…

    I’m committed to a graduate school that’s only an hour away. She’s back in town, taking an extra class. We have the entire month together, as I decide to stay on campus until my lease ends. My internship overseas fell apart, meaning I’ll be no more than 2.5 hours away from her all summer.

    For 2 weeks, things are going great. I plan a date where I can finally ask her to be my girlfriend. I want it to be a special moment we can remember as our anniversary.

    However, I had to put it on hold.

    Her class had kicked into high gear; she was spending 8 hours/day in lecture followed by studying. I spend a week applying to new internships and saying bye to friends who were moving out.

    She finally came over one night, but couldn’t stay for long. Frustrated at the situation, I snapped. It really rattled her, and the next day she asks for space.

    I give her space… until we run into each other at the bar later that day by accident.

    She thinks we’ve stagnated; that I’m only using her for sex; that I don’t think she’s good enough.

    We meet several times over the next week to talk.

    The first time, I make the mistake of asking her to be my girlfriend while she’s still shaken up. She says she needs to “think about it.” (a.k.a. No)

    A few days later, she says “I think we need to take a few steps back.” I offer some ideas on how to do that… she starts crying, saying “it sounds like we’re breaking up.”

    Teary eyed, she says she had always wanted to be exclusive. But her insecurities were getting the best of her. She’s afraid we’d only lead each other on while being long-distance.

    We still fit in a coffee date before I move out for the summer. I ask her to think about what we have together and what we can do to ensure it lasts. She said we should talk when she returns from her mission trip.

    I take it easy with contacting her for one week, then she spends a week in Peru.

    I initiate things when she comes back. After playing hard to get for a few days, she begins opening up again.

    I drive down that weekend and crash at a buddy’s place. Her and I meet up… within minutes we’re clicking again. Some kissing happens. We spend the entire next day together.

    Later that day I bring up the topic of “us” again. She becomes sullen. “I’ve always been honest with you,” she says. “I started talking to someone else. You and I hadn’t talked much after you left… Then, last night was fun and we kissed. Now I’m confused.”

    She was only “talking” to him, not “dating” apparently. She decided to do it because he’d be spending the summer on campus, just like her. (Later on, I found out who he is by accident; it’s a small school)

    This caught me out of the blue. I blubbered some convoluted thoughts, and we decide to talk the following morning.

    I express my disappointment in her, and make it clear we’re far from a relationship. As a single man though, I enjoyed the time we spent that weekend, and said I’d like to continue seeing her.

    Something I said must’ve resonated. We text and snapchat almost every day for the next two weeks, and I visit her two more times.

    She actually initiated our meeting on the 4th of July; I stayed at her parents’ house, and there was no shortage of fireworks.

    Separate plans prevent us from visiting for two weeks. Our communication was still going well, though.

    Then, she leaves me hanging a few nights in a row. Our conversations become more and more dry. Each day I said I’d take a break from initiating anything. And every time she’d send me something random. I’d respond, only to be left hanging for a few more hours until she tossed me another crumb. She declined my offer to hang out this past weekend, saying she’s got work and friends are visiting.

    At first, I was tried not to fret over the uninspiring conversations. She’s taking 3 summer classes and works 2 jobs.

    Then, I reached my tipping point last Thursday. She put up two videos on Snapchat of her other guy hanging out at the empty place she was house-sitting.

    I know her well enough – she’s a fairly private person – to suspect she was either 1) trying to make me jealous, or 2) indirectly saying she wants to go in a different direction. Frankly, I decided neither of these merited a response from me.

    I decided to disappear, like one of your articles suggested.

    In the 3 days since, she sent me 2 snapchats and one text saying “yo dude.” Yo dude? Ew.

    Part of me wants to hit her with one-word replies and see where it takes us. Maybe she’ll open up, even if it’s to say goodbye.

    Another part of me wants to continue ignoring her… but for how long? Until she sends me something genuine? Until I’m back in town? I don’t know… what do you guys think?

    Thanks for reading this far!

    #73800

    Eric Disco
    Keymaster

    I held off on a relationship.

    Good man.

    I plan a date where I can finally ask her to be my girlfriend. I want it to be a special moment we can remember as our anniversary.

    I really avoid asking her to be my girlfriend. It’s much better if you can get her to ask. Not only that, I typically make her ask a few times before I say yes.

    However, I had to put it on hold. Her class had kicked into high gear; she was spending 8 hours/day in lecture followed by studying. She finally came over one night, but couldn’t stay for long.

    One of my rules is that it doesn’t matter why she isn’t spending time with you or taking initiative with you, if she is pulling back, you need to pull back too. I always pull back twice as hard as she does. And if it seems like she is drifting off, I would end the relationship. That would have been your best move here. Instead, you did the exact wrong thing.

    Frustrated at the situation, I snapped. It really rattled her, and the next day she asks for space.

    You definitely should have ended it here.

    She thinks that I’m only using her for sex; that I don’t think she’s good enough.

    This is a smoke screen. She may have felt that way months ago, but now she’s using that as an excuse so when she pulls away she doesn’t feel guilty. Watch her actions, not her words. She’s feeling crowded and smothered by you.

    We meet several times over the next week to talk.

    Talks are the worst. Never have a ‘talk’ with a girl unless you are ending things. Talking never gets you anywhere. Take action instead.

    The first time, I make the mistake of asking her to be my girlfriend while she’s still shaken up. She says she needs to “think about it.” (a.k.a. No)

    This is also where you should have broken things off with her.

    A few days later, she says “I think we need to take a few steps back.” I offer some ideas on how to do that… she starts crying, saying “it sounds like we’re breaking up.”
    Teary eyed, she says she had always wanted to be exclusive. But her insecurities were getting the best of her. She’s afraid we’d only lead each other on while being long-distance.

    Still the same smoke screen. She doesn’t want to be exclusive with you. She’s saying that because she feels guilty. There’s a good chance she is seeing someone else now.

    We still fit in a coffee date before I move out for the summer. I ask her to think about what we have together and what we can do to ensure it lasts. She said we should talk when she returns from her mission trip.

    You should have broken things off with her here. Instead you crowd her.

    I initiate things when she comes back.

    Big mistake. Should have let her initiate.

    I drive down that weekend and crash at a buddy’s place. Her and I meet up… within minutes we’re clicking again. Some kissing happens. We spend the entire next day together.

    Why would you spend the entire day with a girl who just a few weeks earlier said she needed space? This is the exact wrong thing to do. Then you pile it on by trying to talk about your relationship again.

    Later that day I bring up the topic of “us” again. She becomes sullen. “I’ve always been honest with you,” she says. “I started talking to someone else. You and I hadn’t talked much after you left… Then, last night was fun and we kissed. Now I’m confused.”

    Not surprised, motherfucker. She’s fucking someone else, probably has feelings for him. This is trickle truth, where she tells you a little truth at a time.

    As a single man though, I enjoyed the time we spent that weekend, and said I’d like to continue seeing her.

    Exact wrong thing to do. This is where you should have broken things off with her. For the fifth time.

    Something I said must’ve resonated. We text and snapchat almost every day for the next two weeks, and I visit her two more times.

    She’s banging some other dude and you are playing her best friend.

    She actually initiated our meeting

    You know things have gone horribly wrong when you’re surprised that she initiated with you.

    Then, she leaves me hanging a few nights in a row.

    One night leaving me hanging is enough for me to stop talking with a girl. This is where you should have dead-aired her twice as hard, ignored her next time she texted you.

    She declined my offer to hang out this past weekend, saying she’s got work and friends are visiting.

    Watch her actions, not her words. Assume she’s banging the other dude.

    Then, I reached my tipping point last Thursday. She put up two videos on Snapchat of her other guy hanging out at the empty place she was house-sitting.

    You are the other guy. You are her dick in a glass jar, break in case of emergency. You got played.

    I decided to disappear, like one of your articles suggested.

    A little late. You’re her validation toy.

    You’ve driven this thing into the ground. It’s like you’re playing chess. You’ve lost your queen, two rooks, a bishop and two knights. She’s got all her pieces and is about to get you in checkmate and you are asking me what your next move should be.

    Clear the board. Start with someone new. You’re emotionally wrapped up in this girl. Anything I tell you, no matter how good it will be, will be betrayed by your words and your actions. She’s got you wrapped around her finger and she knows it. You’ve demonstrated that to her ample times. You need to find a new girl, get over this one. If and when she decides to come back into your life, you need to treat her at least as bad as you let her treat you. Stop talking with her and move on. Feel free to tell her you’ve moved on if that would make you feel better than just radio silence but nothing you can do at this point will bring her back.

    Eric

    #73801

    twocities
    Participant

    Thanks so much, Eric.

    What did you mean by “Take action instead”?

    #73802

    Eric Disco
    Keymaster

    If she does something undesirable, you do something undesirable back rather than having a talk with her. A few examples:

    If you normally see her twice a week and she says she can’t hang out for two weeks because she is busy, don’t hang out with her for the next month.

    If you’re exclusive with her and she says she made out with another guy, tell her that you no longer want to be exclusive with you so she has to earn it back.

    If you’re living with her and she is going to go out partying late with her girlfriends, plan a late night out with your guy friends.

    If she comes over to your place and falls asleep on the couch without hooking up, call her an uber and send her home.

    If you make a date with her and is sketchy over text, cancel the date with her.

    If you’re out on a date with her and she’s acting bratty, end the date early and go your separate ways.

    The idea is that you aren’t negotiating desire. Desire can’t be negotiated. You can’t tell her, “I want you to want me more.” If she’s not afraid to lose you, you need to show her through your actions that she is losing some aspect of you.

    This is not done out of malice. It’s good for her and she likes it. It’s similar to disciplining a child. You can give the child everything he wants and spoil him, but that won’t make the child happy. Clear discipline and boundaries make a child happy. This isn’t to say she’s a child but the mechanism is still the same. You are teaching her how to treat you. She will love and respect you for it and be much happier at the same time.

    Even if it seems like she has a good excuse, you want to treat it as if she doesn’t have a good excuse. For example, she says that she has a lot of schoolwork or her mother is sick and she is too busy to hang out. Even if you know for a fact that she has a lot of schoolwork or her mother is sick, you should still push her away. When a woman is in love with you, she’ll figure out a way to see you. If she’s not focused on you, focusing on her will only hurt the situation for both of you.

    Watch her actions, not her words and respond with actions, not words. If she pushes you away in any way, you push back. If she makes space, you need to make space as well. She needs to know you are going to walk in the other direction if she does. That is what makes her feel comfortable with you. It’s what keeps the attraction alive for her.

    Eric

    #73803

    twocities
    Participant

    Thanks again, Eric.

    Now that I think about it, I never should’ve met up with her on the night I snapped. She initiated the meeting, only after flaking on me that afternoon.

    She had also cut off our previous three dates shortly (you guessed it, right after we’d bang) — without telling me in advance.

    Instead of being patient, and only showing her as much affection as she deserved, I tried to force things. Aside from becoming emotionally invested in her, I became emotionally invested in achieving a label. I became results-dependent.

    This approach was a complete 360 from what I had been doing in the fall… and it showed.

    The freefall, however, really began at the bar.

    I knew that ignoring her was the right thing to do. I could see her out of the corner of my eye, giving me anxious glances one second, desperately trying to flirt with a few of my fraternity brothers the next.

    I knew what I had to do, but I didn’t have the discipline to stick with it.

    The moment I fell for her ambush outside the bathroom, I opened myself up to all her overblown tantrums… and more.

    I spilled out my own insecurities about our relationship — stuff that she’d later abuse 100%.

    Our argument that night turned me into a mess. She initiated our “talks” and coffee date the following week… but my inability to disappear allowed everything afterward to be on her terms.

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