Reply To: Relationship lull

[AriMoJ]

Thanks Lee,

I like the current frequency, that’s not the problem, but it’s absolutely my concern that she’s not attracted to me anymore. I could make myself even less available, but she has low self-esteem and is always worried that I’ll break up with her, so me not wanting to hang out may make her feel punished. I tried to cut a phone conversation short and she thought I was upset and I didn’t want to talk with her. Pulling away is harder to do when you’re in a relationship. When she comes over for the night, as usual, and if the evening doesn’t culminate in her wanting sex, I can’t cut it short and tell her to go home without explanation, particularly as we usually have plans for the next day. That would be pretty severe. Besides, she’d know it’s because of the sex issue, and it would make her feel even worse than she already does for not being horny. She constantly tells me that she couldn’t love me any more than she already does. She thinks I’m her world… so I don’t know if ‘value’ is the problem. I think it’s more so that desire has been replaced with love. I just watched the ‘Esther Perel TED Talk’ video Eric posted on ‘love’ being the anti-aphrodisiac and I think that it hit the nail on the head. I need to try and bring desire back into the relationship, but it just seems like I have to do even more work.

http://approachanxiety.com/2013/04/the-secret-to-desire-in-long-term-relationships/