Reply To: Accountability on doing the 6 steps

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#74477
baresa
Participant

SomeguyUK:

>I think relying on getting and giving looks is a bad strategy. Women get creeped out by guys looking at them a lot (even if it’s a good looking guy).

So by doing this thing of looking at women, you’re perhaps just setting yourself up to get reactions that will make you feel worse.

Plus, as you noticed, they often won’t notice you so you’re making things difficult for yourself.<

Let’s see. So far I have done about 50 approaches including looking and all of them went well. So far none were creeped out and I felt better afterwards (=victory). When they don’t notice me I still feel it as a victory. Remember this step is not to talk to them or to get ant numbers but just to feel comfortable around girl and not being afraid of looking at them from a short distance (1 mo ago I would never have the courage to do so).

>You need to be brave. Go say something to people. Pick some openers and practice saying them at home. Get next to people and say something immediately without hesitating. Just tell yourself you will confront the fear and accept whatever feelings come after.<

Whenever I have been debating my limiting beliefs/anxiety with coaches (not just the ones from the boot camp) I feel that nobody really understands HOW BAD it is. They simply cannot imagine it. Analogy: Assume you are afraid of snakes. Now a coach tells you to go to a certain location where there is a big cage of non poisonous snakes. He promises you that they cannot kill you, they are all fed and will not bite you. Now you have to go into that cage all by yourself and hang out there for 5 min. You are all by yourself and the coach is far away – you have to go in the cage with all your willpower. How many people would do that knowing they will not get killed or bitten?? People who have seen snakes and been close to snakes all their life can easily go into the cage. Those who have never been close to a snake and only seen them on television will probably not go into the cage. I have never played with snakes in my childhood :-).

I have been reading up some more and also combining it with an experience where i was sitting next to a beautiful girl for 3 min to collect my thoughts and try to understand what holds me back. Basically my brain wanted to stay blank and show zero interest and curiosity in her. The girl was watching some bullshit instagram and was clearly bored – she would be happy if somebody would talk to her – but I didn’t. Anyhow, I had to FORCE myself to think about her. I was calm and “ice cold”, solid as a rock. Would it have been easier to talk to her if she was doing nothing with her phone and staring like I did? NOT AT ALL – same resistance. I also realized that asking her for the time/starbucks is equally frightening as giving her a compliment or asking for her number. There is no difference in my mind.

I have now been doing this exercise for 4 weeks non stop. 4 times longer than recommended and in total 300-400 approaches. The resistance to say something is still MASSIVE. It’s like the gradual exposure is not working anymore. Maybe it’s working but the improvements are so small that I cannot feel them. I have been soul searching hard for 4 weeks and been very serious about this exercise and my verdict is still Pilinski: My shame is blocking me from opening my mouth and saying “hi” to a girl. However there is a HUGE difference in saying “hi” to a girl walking on a trail (easy, no problem) and saying “hi” to a girl at a cross walk where I have chosen to put myself next to her (major roadblock). At the moment I feel this step 2 will take 6 months or a total average of 2000-3000 dry approaches.