Reply To: six steps
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Great question. First, I’ll clarify Step 3 and 4 and their purpose. That will make it easier to answer the question of when to go onto step 4.
Step 3 is to say ONE thing to a woman and then walk away. For example:
“How are you?”
– or- “Can you tell me how to get to 14th street?”
– or- “Is there a place around here to get on the internet?”
After you ask this one question, you say, “Thank you,” and walk away.
The purpose of this step is to reduce outcome dependency. If every time you spoke to a woman, you tried to take things as far as you could go, then you would really hope for a good outcome with the first words you said to her. It would put a lot of pressure on you. And there’s a good chance you wouldn’t say anything at all. By purposefully limiting what you say, voluntarily constraining yourself, you make it easier to take that step.
Step 4 is to start to ask more questions after the first question.
After you say, “How are you?” you might say:
“Where is a good coffee shop in the area?” She responds. Then you might add, “Does that place have good coffee?” She responds. Then you may add, “I’m writing a screenplay based on people I meet in public. Does that coffee shop have interesting people?” On and on you could keep asking questions.
The purpose of Step 4 is in some ways the opposite of Step 3. You are getting comfortable staying in the conversation longer with women. You are working on losing that feeling that you’re taking up too much of her time. This step is about COMMITMENT.
The purpose of the whole program is to practice each step until you are comfortable with it. Then start to practice the next step. So you may practice Step 1 for a week or two or three. Then move onto Step 2. But what is important here is that you keep practicing the earlier steps, sometimes without moving onto the next step. In other words, When you are on Step 3, you will still practice Step 2, which is to simply stand next to women. Maybe a couple times a day you will simply stand next to women. Maybe one or two times, you’ll actually say something to them. But it is important to keep practicing those earlier steps.
Sometimes if I am not really in a mood to approach, or not feeling great, or don’t have much time, I may just do Step 3 and position myself next to a woman. Or I may say one thing to her and leave. Or I may carry it on longer.
How long I stay in tends to do more with HOW I FEEL rather than her reaction to me. I prefer to set myself up with a goal when I go out and then try to meet that goal. Sometimes I will stay in longer if I am getting a great reaction from her. But more often than not, I try to meet a goal rather than do things based on her reaction. The problem with doing things based her reaction is that you start to become OUTCOME DEPENDENT. That’s exactly what we were working to eliminate in Step 3.
You are absolutely going to have to play with what you’re given. If she gives you a terrible reaction, you probably won’t push the conversation much further. And you are more likely to stay in if you get a warm reaction. But women are very very good at hiding their interest. A woman may be very into you and pretend she’s not and vice versa.
And as a newbie it’s also easy to interpret EVERYTHING as negative. When I’m coaching, I see guys talk to women. The women are smiling and enjoying the conversation but the guy comes back to me and tells me that she didn’t like him. Anxiety has a way of blocking out those signals.
So in summary: keep pushing ahead. Set yourself up to do stay in based on your goals and what you decide before going out. You’ll have to adjust when it’s obvious a woman really doesn’t want to talk to you. But don’t over-read signals that a woman doesn’t want to talk. You may be pleasantly surprised when she warms up to you after a minute or so.