Reply To: Hot to approach with legitimate reasons?

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Your observation is the most common observation of most men who have social anxiety and are learning the basics of approaching women. In other words, you are not a special case and don’t need work-arounds and special solutions.

Whatever is happening to a woman – whether her car is broken down on the side of the road, she’s standing on the corner of a street in your neighborhood holding an unfolded map and looking lost, her bags are too heavy to carry up the stairs – you are lying to yourself if you think that you’re approaching her because you are simply a nice guy trying to help. The latter may be true, but that is not why you are on this forum. The main reason you’d love to be in the position of a helpful passerby is that you are still approaching her because of the one thing you know about her at that moment: you are physically attracted to her.

Guess what? It’s ok. Girls want you to be physically attracted. That’s why they spend a crazy amount of time trying to be physically attractive. And if you’re attracted to a woman, you are demonstrating something attractive about yourself by taking the initiative and the risk of approaching her. That’s the way the game works.

Unfortunately, there is nothing you can read – even the brilliant explanation in the above paragraphs – to convince your brain to behave differently than it is behaving now. You can’t will yourself to feel a different way. What you can do is slowly get your brain accustomed to interactions with women. It’s hard. Your brain will fight you. But if you take little steps again and again and again, over time, your anxiety will go away.

All conversations between men and women who are attracted to each other are a pretense. What they really want to figure out is whether they like each other and are open to falling in love (or going to bed or whatever). But they talk about things like the weather and their friend’s nice apartment and how the drinks taste and where they got their fancy shoes. It’s all a pretense, a pretense that society prefers to the awkwardness of coming up to someone and telling them the honest truth, you are physically attracted to them and are hoping that the two of you can be naked together.

Accept the pretense. Accept the fact that girls want you to get better at approaching them by asking silly, inconsequential questions or asking for directions and the time or where there is a library nearby or where you can get on the Internet. Don’t fight it. Accept the game and work through your anxiety in little, manageable steps.