Hi Everyone,
I've been lurking around this site for the last week or so and figured I would finally register. There are definitely some good articles and posts here, one of which caught my attention tonight while at work but now I can't seem to find it anymore and don't recall the title. It seemed to have some similarities to a situation I am currently in.
First of all, I am sorry for the length of this post. There is just a lot of information to write in order to fully understand things. If you're not interested in the details, feel free to skip to the bottom where there is a line of *******'s. The last paragraph should sum things up.
I work in a call center dealing with angry customers calling all day (loads of fun....*cough*). Around this past November, a girl at work caught my attention. She works on a different account but sits in the same row of desks that I do, though she is on the other side of the floor from me. We are still within view of each other however.
Throughout November and December we didn't really talk much, though I did approach her one day to ask the name of someone on her account as an excuse to talk to her. On Christmas, I gave her a card and a candy cane and since then we often made eye contact and smiled to each other a fair bit.
Eventually, I grew some balls and emailed her just asking how she was doing and this started up some light emailing back and forth, kind of getting to know each other. We started to sit next to each other on our lunches and had a great time chatting. One day I asked her if she wanted to join me at a club I was dj'ing at after work, and she said yes. We went out to the club and had a blast. We had some drinks together, danced, and while we were sitting at a table chatting she could tell I was nervous and grabbed my hands and told me to "be aggressive". I immediately grabbed her head and kissed her on the lips. It was amazing.
After this night we hung out a lot, got physical, but never slept together. We were sharing things about each other. Though, for some reason, she was quite closed about her past. Our talks suggested that she had been hurt very badly by either one or more guys. Despite this though, things were going very well between us. That is until...
A brief bit of history:
I have an ex who I had been dating very seriously for 4 1/2 years until I ended things last July. Unlike most break ups though, she and I stayed friends. Best friends, actually. She is someone who I essentially spent the last 4 1/2 years of my life with and so virtually every story or whatever happened to me during those years involved her. As a result, I ended up talking about my ex far too much. At first, this didn't bother the new girl. But over a bit of time, it did.
Now then, I will fully admit that I fell completely head over heels for this new girl in a surprisingly short period of time. Things started to get a little tense as she realized that I was still so close to my ex. I attempted to defend myself and my relationship with her as I have absolutely no attraction to her anymore but in doing so I seemed to forget how to think rationally and left out some crucial details. One of which was that my ex was seeing a guy. This would have probably made the new girl feel a bit better, but I didn't tell her about it until the tension began. By doing this, it now seemed like I was making a lame excuse that was possibly not even true. I also ended up breaking a promise to her. It was a silly promise, but she lived up to her end of it and I failed to live up to mine. Guess I was waiting for a good time to do it, but then everything hit the fan.
I admit to getting extremely frustrated with her because I wanted so badly to make things work, but she closed off very quickly. I guess I was being very childish and not arguing in a mature, civil fashion, as I normally do. She stopped replying to my texts and so I eventually asked if things had ended and she said yes, she was no longer interested. We argued a bit, but to no avail. I let her know how happy she was making me which was something I hadn't felt in a very long time (the last year or so of my previous relationship, I had no romantic feelings towards my ex). She just put such an incredible smile on my face. I was hoping that by telling her this it would show that I was very much determined to do things right and make her happy. If she really had been hurt badly by previous guys then I wanted to make all of that go away by showing her that not all guys are dicks. But nothing worked.
Bit more time went by and I was just sending very casual texts to her and only getting short, sporadic replies. We still occasionally sat together during lunch, continued to talk and had some great laughs. But then rational thought escaped me again and out came the texts. No reply. I sent some more, but still no reply. I figured I would make one more attempt via text to vindicate myself, but ended up rambling and saying that "life is funny. I lose the girl that makes me happy and am stuck with the one (my ex) who stresses me out more than anything". She finally replied the next day. One word, "Stop". I replied in anger saying "fine, number is being deleted. Have a good one". And that was it...
We didn't talk anymore, no eye-contact. Nothing.
I sent out emails to all my work friends, including her, inviting them out to various events I was dj'ing at. Still nothing.
Then randomly, she approached me one day and asked if I'd be interested in attending a fundraiser for two of her friends that are getting married. She is the maid of honor and is selling tickets. Shocked by this, I stuttered a yes and bought a ticket a few days later, unsure if I was actually going to go. A few weeks before the event, a co-worker overheard the girl talking to someone else and she was asked if she had a boyfriend or was interested in anyone. The girl said no and that she wasn't looking. She had been hurt by too many guys in the past and had toyed with the idea of getting revenge of sorts. I don't know if this was serious or if she was just joking. Either way, it made me wonder if she was just playing me the whole time and only asked me about the ticket as I was an easy sale. But then I wonder, why bother asking me at all if she dislikes me. Why invite me to an event where we would see each other outside of work? It all just seemed strange.
I put it in the back of my mind and eventually decided against attending the event and expressed this to her. Though a couple days later, I changed my mind after talking to her briefly about ticket sales and her saying they weren't going well for her, people will buy a ticket but then ditch.
...I didn't want to be labeled as one of those people so I went.
We didn't talk at the party at all, except for a few very brief moments. As I left at the end of the night, I waved goodbye to her and she waved back, smiling.
I emailed her at work the Monday after the party, thanking her for the invite and saying I had fun and hoped she did to, it certainly looked like she did. She replied saying thanks and hoped I had fun as well. I replied back but with a closed statement and am kicking myself for not leaving it open with a question for her to answer. So because of that, the silence has come back.
We rarely make eye contact now and when we do, it is so brief that it doesn't register for me to try smiling at her, hoping to get a smile back. So I guess it seems like I'm being very snobbish to her, completely unintentional. But then, I get the same vibe from her. I have no idea how to read her.
I'm still head over heels for her. It's kind of ridiculous actually. I probably like her so much because I can't be with her, if that makes sense. I'm finding it really hard to get over her as I see her every day at work and hear her whenever she is talking. Her voice was one of my favorite things about her, so hearing her every day presents some challenges.
I want so badly to try and rekindle things and figure that if I'm going to do this then I need to get her attention again. I need to get us talking again and move into some flirting and gradually rebuild some trust...but I'm really not sure how. Or if it's even possible considering everything that has happened.
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Long story short, I messed up and am embarrassed with how I acted around her. It was completely out of character for me, it just seems like I can't think straight around her and make really stupid decisions. In retrospect, there were several things I could have and should have done differently. I realize my mistakes now and hope I have learned from them...I just really want to try and get her attention again but have no idea how to do it.
If anything, she has helped me realize there were parts of my life that I needed to work on since last years breakup. Part of me wants to just go up to her and say "Thank you", or simply give her a "Thank you" card. She probably doesn't need to know why I'm thanking her (she likely doesn't care anyway). But, because of her, I think I've really grown in the last several months and feel like I owe her a thanks.
Any advice, comments, questions, or whatever would be really appreciated.
