So I get an invite to this party the other day. It's a chick, I've met a few times, bday party. So I tell the guy who invited me that I didn't wanna go because the chick who's bday it was always seemed to be vague and highly disinterested in me. He went on to tell me that girl recently broke up with her boyfriend who in turn made her start to feel very self conscious. So a mutual friend was talking to her and my name came up and the fact that when I first saw her I found her to be really cute. So turns out the girl actually thought the same about me. So the invite guy is like ill put in a good word and that I should make my move at the party. So we get to the party and I get quite a exuberant greeting...she yelled my name was all like wow I'm glad you came...gave me a huge hug...it was nice...over the course of the night she would continually get close and ask if I was having fun and what not. Then at some point (had a few beers at this point so it's kinda hard to remember exact details) we were talking and she said something about a kiss and kissed me right on the mouth and then smiled afterwards...over the night I planted a few more kisses and even got some tongue action...so again at some point I got with her and exchanged numbers...so i analyzed the night from what i could remember and i noticed little tidbits like when i was talking to someone about one of my exs...and it came up that she was hispanic...she (being hispanic) asked if i only dated hispanic girls...i said no i date all types :)...soon after that she kissed me and asked if or why I wasn't hooking up with her other friend . I didn't wanna say because "I wanna to hook up with you" I just said "I just didn't wanna hook up with her"...anyway it's obvious that she is at least a little self conscious because she kissed me and was like "you're handsome and there are plenty of other girls here that you should hook up with" i tried to tell her that I think she's pretty but i think she's really skeptical about it...so my question to whoever can answer it is.... How should I go about this? Since she's self conscious I have a feeling that she probably won't take initiative to text me so should i text her?... And if I should what should I say...should I be genuine about how i get at her since she's in a delicate place in her life or should i just play the mind games like not answering txts right away or canceling on confirmed dates?I would normally do the latter but I don't know because she already kinda sees me as "he wouldn't go for me type of guy"
Approach Forum » Approach Anxiety
He confidence issue
(5 posts)-
Posted 1 month ago
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she kissed me and asked if or why I wasn't hooking up with her other friend . I didn't wanna say because "I wanna to hook up with you" I just said "I just didn't wanna hook up with her"
Good. Perfect response.
...anyway it's obvious that she is at least a little self conscious because she kissed me and was like "you're handsome and there are plenty of other girls here that you should hook up with" i tried to tell her that I think she's pretty but i think she's really skeptical about it...
Whenever a girl presents an insecure side of herself like this or if she's fishing for a compliment, I always throw it back in her face--jokingly of course. I do this even if she's a bit insecure.
In this situation, I would have said something like "Really?" and looked around the room. "Wow, there are a lot of hot girls here. I'll see you in a little while." And pretended to be about to leave and talk to some hot girls. Then maybe pulled her back in and smacked her on the ass.
This is a lot better than answering her probe directly and saying "No, I don't want to hook up with these girls," or "No, I only want you."
Firstly, you don't want to play into her insecurity. It will only foster more insecurity and more stupid questions like this from her. She doesn't want to feel insecure and it's your job to quash anything like this by indirectly telling her confidently and playfully to shut the fuck up every time she brings something like this up.
Secondly, by joking about it, you are reassuring her even more that you like her--in a way that doesn't cater to her ego--than if you tell her directly that you do like her.
Picture this situation. You are at a bar with her alone and she spills a drink. You could say "Oh, that's okay, don't worry about it." Or you could joke with her and say "Oh man, I can't take you anywhere!"
By joking about it you are telling her *emotionally* that everything is okay. She knows it truly is okay because of your humor.
If you just say verbally "It's okay," you may still be annoyed at her on the inside. She is reading your emotions and your emotional state and taking your humor as it truly being okay.
should I be genuine about how i get at her since she's in a delicate place in her life
Absolutely not. Never play soft ball with a girl because you feel like she's vulnerable. In fact, this means you need to show even more confidence and dominance in order to get her to a place where she's comfortable with you.
By taking it easy on her or not playing your A-Game, you are communicating weakness to her. That does not make her trust you more.
or should i just play the mind games like not answering txts right away or canceling on confirmed dates?
Yes. I don't like the word "mindgames" here because that puts a very negative connotation on what really is just social calibration. If you meet a new guy friend and decide not to call him 3 times a day and instead be more chill and hang with him once a week, is that play "mindgames"?
You should continue to do whatever you normally do with most women. You should continue to give her space, make her wonder about you and be mysterious. In fact, as stated above, you need to do this even more with this girl. It's not time to crumble and "have no game" because it seems like she wouldn't go for that type of guy.
Even if a woman knows the ins and outs of game, even if she's read every piece of pickup literature, game still works on her.
If I'm dating a girl and she uses some of the tactics I use, it still works on me. It still makes me want her. And in a lot of cases I'm glad of that.
Six months ago I was dating a girl that actually teaches pickup to other guys. She knew this stuff as well as I did. But we still bantered and flirted with each other, we still kept the mystery alive, and still demonstrated our independence from each other. And that kept things sexy and interesting. When we bantered with each other we still both enjoyed it because we were both playing and having fun with it.
Try not to think of "game" as something you're doing to trick her or something you're doing without her knowledge. Most women know game to a certain extent and know some of these tactics but still enjoy when men use these tactics on them. They love being with a guy who has game.
That being said, I feel like not returning texts or canceling on dates is a bit harsher tactic than you need with this girl. She's into you. She's putting herself out there. You don't really need to fuck with her that much. Unless you are sensing some flakiness from her, you can use more gentle tactics than actually canceling dates. Remember good game is about calibration, not about all-or-nothing hardball tactics.
So those tactics might be varying the amount of time it takes for you to return texts or using shorter text responses. Keep gaming this girl, don't fold all your cards and put them on the table. But understand when and where she's putting herself out there and don't always use the harshest tactics possible.
Eric
Posted 1 month ago -
Ok thanks Eric...a mutual friend was talking to her and he asked her like how did she like hooking up with me...and she said it was nice...but somehow turned the conversation to talking about some other guy she wants to hook up with...I've met the guy and I know she can do alot better ( i guess that's eternally up to her in the end lol)and she probably is only messing with him to feel good about herself...she keeps telling the mutual that I'm too flashy with the conotation that he'd never go for me...so I told him to just tell her that I lost her number so she should text me....she said ok a day or two ago...but I haven't heard from her...what should I do at this point? Play it cool and hope that I see her at another venue...or should I just take a chance get her number from our mutual friend and just start texting her
Posted 1 month ago -
If you leave it up to her, she probably won't do it. It sounds like she's looking for approval a lot etc from how you've described the situation above, and it also sounds like she has too many "options" and not enough direction.
You know she likes you enough to make out, and she still continues to talk about you as being above her to your friend(not really a bad thing, if you can make yourself seem obtainable).
If you want her, take the risk and show her while still remaining the confident-not-overly-validating guy you have been. If a woman has to "man-up" and contact you to set a date, that's not really something she wants to do, or that she should do (depending on your beliefs).
It's up to you, but I think if you leave it up to her, you are coping out, showing your lack of confidence. Also... don't peg too much value in what she says as opposed to what she does. She thinks you're "too flashy"... but then already made out with you, so obviously there's a bit of a disconnect there.
Posted 1 month ago -
I don't really know why you said that you lost her number. That move doesn't make a lot of sense to me. Did you do that because you got annoyed because she's into someone else? It's actually good that you found this out, especially after asking if you should be "genuine with her because she's in a delicate place."
My basic assumption when I meet a woman or when I start seeing her is that she is seeing two other guys but that those guys don't have anywhere near the same game as me.
That assumption is important to me because, firstly, you don't want to take it easy on this girl and put on the kid gloves if she's dating other guys. You start blabbing your eternal love for her and she gets bored and starts seeing one of her other guys.
At the same time, I assume those guys don't have anywhere near as good game as me. And they probably don't. I don't want to get insecure and start to overgame and be too harsh with her. But I do want to keep it interesting and keep her on her toes.
From here you could go either way with this. It might look a little lame to text her now if you said you lost her number. But too much time might elapse if you wait until you see her next.
I go along with nonstop on this and say text her. But don't give this chick an inch of leeway on the grounds that she's insecure. On the contrary, that just means you have to be more on your toes.
Eric
Posted 1 month ago
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