Approach Forum » Inhibition and Inner Game

1. tido
   Member

   Hi,

   I've lately sort of given up on this whole social/pick-up game. Guess I hit a road block of some sort, even though I was making progress. At one point, I was taking comedic improvisation and tango dancing. Girls began to actively be interested in me in the tango class I was attending at a University. I've met this one intelligent/sexy/confident girl who was taller than me in tango. I've immediately discarded my interest towards her as she was taller. I still found her attractive, but I did not want a girl to be taller than me, my complex I guess. I've challenged this girl with some of my questions as I did not really care where the interaction went, was just out there to have a good time. She actually was attracted to me, and started chasing/teasing me in return. At one of the last classes she asked me for my facebook info, like a dummy I gave it to her, instead of asking her for her phone number. She never did get in contact with me.

   What really hurt here is that there was girl coming to me on a silver platter, the window of opportunity was there, but I was too insecure to continue. Never really been out with a girl before, so thinking about going out with a girl just makes me anxious. So, I'm like what's the point? If I'm not able to take a girls number/go on a date when she is open to it. I threw in the towel shortly after that. If girls are coming to me and I'm rejecting them so they don't have a chance to reject me. Not quite sure where to go from here. Some of my insecurities are that I'm too skinny and don't really have a busy lifestyle. Do I just start getting busy, going to the gym to gain some mass, etc?

   Posted 1 month ago

2. ramakandra
   Member

   Well there is nothing particularly wrong with being sensitive to her height. Many guys would prefer to date a girl equally tall or shorter. Thats really okay - would you date her just because you had no other options, even if she was taller? I can understand that thinking and I would not have been into her for that reason too. But if she asks for your facebook information, did she write it down? Does she know your name by heart, or know how to get in touch easily? People get busy, people forget. Just because you did not get her number that time doesnt mean you cant just casually ask her to join you for coffee after class. Its a situation where the timing isn't perfect but youve got little to lose.

   You could make a new friend in the process. You may wind up meeting her friends too. Maybe you could think of it that way to make it less pressured. If she was chasing you, and you did not react, you could appear to be confident and less interested. Sometimes that works in your favor if you are still within reach. Ask her out, or just be friendly and see if she makes any effort. If not, no big deal.

   As for being busy I cant really suggest anything except making sure you have taken care of the basics. Family, career, education, health. If you are lacking money you need to try to get a job, if you want to get into school, work on that, if you need to spend time with loved ones, make that a priority. I've also seen people get busy by joining a club or getting on their bike and riding around and getting to know the local bike shop where people get together. You would not believe the kinds of chicks who show up b/c they want to meet fellow riders. You certainly dont have to be a buff in shape guy to bike with amateurs.

   I think the tall girl is a nice lesson to learn. There is no shame in meeting people who dont fit your type, as long as you can learn from it. I think you are finding out your strengths. You did well in the dancing classes and comedy. Keep doing those things, get more involved in them. Youll find plenty of people as you stick to the activities and become an expert.

   Posted 1 month ago

3. Eric Disco
   Host

   Hey Man,

   You have the perfect opportunity right now. This is the best opportunity you can take for yourself. You need to look at the situation and say to yourself "I'm fucking awesome. I did great."

   You did better than you've done before, so you're making progress. Now you have to appreciate that progress. It's so easy to want to say, I didn't do this or that enough. I still do it all the time. I look back on interactions and think to myself "Why didn't I take advantage of that situation??"

   But here you have an opportunity to learn the most important lesson of all: how to appreciate yourself. You did an awesome thing. You got her into you. SHE asked YOU for your facebook. That's awesome. She must have liked you a lot.

   Okay, so you fucked up. You could have asked her for her phone number or facebook just to be sure. But that's okay. Now you know for next time. And maybe you'll see her again and take the opportunity next time.

   Or maybe you won't see her again and you'll learn from this and take a better action next time. Fine.

   But the most important thing is that you appreciate your victories or nothing will ever be good enough.

   You are not going to get over your insecurities by going to the gym. That will help a bit. But the main thing that gets rid of your insecurities is when you act in spite of your insecurities. You stop blaming your shortcomings for your failures and start realizing what is really causing your failure: your behavior.

   You can change your behavior. As long as you are kind to yourself, you will keep learning and growing.

   Eric

   Posted 1 month ago

4. tido
   Member

   Hey Guys,

   First of thank you for helping me put some of these events into perspective.

   Thats really okay - would you date her just because you had no other options, even if she was taller? I can understand that thinking and I would not have been into her for that reason too. But if she asks for your facebook information, did she write it down? Does she know your name by heart, or know how to get in touch easily?

   I really liked this girl, she was the most confident girl I've ever met, smart/sexy/confident. She was a go getter, she will be successful. Though she was did not have as warm an energy as some of the other girls in class. But she was fun, and I had fun with her. She would push my buttons and challenge me to man up, to be more confident, to be more sexual, etc. All the green lights were there. I've been a bit timid/shy some of my life, and having a sexy girl push me towards growth would have been great. I would have loved to have a friend like that, but she was not interested in being friends, judging by her vibe. But this was the first time a girl was really into me so how the f*ck would I have known, though I know now. I recall looking at her one time, she looked emotionally confused, or something, like she was not in her right frame of mind, dunno it was something new to me.

   But here is the thing, I've also met a much shorter Hispanic girl in that same class. She was gorgeous, physically my type, made my heart flutter in her presence. She actually felt my heart pound, as she put her hands on my chest during on of the tango exercises. She was a little shocked, though you would not notice anything different looking at my body language from the outside. In one of the next classes she purposely sat next to me, maybe she sensed my embarrassment from last class, because that's what I felt. My reaction was a bit much, but I think she enjoyed that. We started to chat a little, and then she revealed that she is shy. Here is a girl opening up to me, and what do I do. I give this girl a cold shoulder because she is shy. What you need to understand is that at the time I did not like my own shyness, and was trying to eliminate it.So even though this girl was super sexy to me, I did not want a shy girl so I blew her off. This still does not make sense to me?

   So I understand there is no perfect girl, but I'm just little disappointed in myself for not taking things further and learning in the process.

   Hey Man,
   ...
   But here you have an opportunity to learn the most important lesson of all: how to appreciate yourself. You did an awesome thing. You got her into you. SHE asked YOU for your facebook. That's awesome. She must have liked you a lot.
   ...
   But the most important thing is that you appreciate your victories or nothing will ever be good enough.
   ....
   But the main thing that gets rid of your insecurities is when you act in spite of your insecurities. You stop blaming your shortcomings for your failures and start realizing what is really causing your failure: your behavior.
   You can change your behavior. As long as you are kind to yourself, you will keep learning and growing.
   Eric

   Yes, thanks for this advice. It seems my mistakes sometimes get the better of me and I collapse emotionally. Instead of appreciating myself for taking action and learning something new. I focus on where I'm not yet, ignoring all the small successes in the process and focusing on what went wrong. Price one pays for having perfectionist tendencies.

   You stop blaming your shortcomings for your failures and start realizing what is really causing your failure: your behavior.

   This is a very enabling and a powerful perspective. Negates the existence of my excuses. Typically I do the opposite of this. I'm going to have to print this out and read it daily as a reminder, this statement causes some very liberating thoughts in me. :)

   cheers,
   Tido

   Posted 1 month ago

RSS feed for this topic

Reply

You must log in to post.