Approach Forum » Approach Anxiety

1. Zaphod
   Member

   Hello. I've been spending a lot of time working on my social skills since finding this site, but I noticed that I often slip back into old introverted/unsocial habits from time to time. I've been working on it recently, and reached a point where I'm able to identify my problem areas.

   These are things which throw my internal social state or weaken my urge to pro-actively socialize and flirt.

   I have 3 big weaknesses - 1.)Work 2.)Family 3.)Complacency

   1.) I noticed that when I'm buried in work or a new project (I'm somewhat of a workaholic, my passions swallow me), I tend not to go out very much, preferring to stay indoors. Even for months, I slowly get less and less social and lose all the strides I've been making in this area of my life. I end up being very rusty next time I'm in a social environment.

   eg. I'm currently busy on a large project, and it has had me see less and less of my friends and less social exploring from my part. It's been almost 2 months since I've pro-actively been flirting, an I can see the difference. I've lost that edge.

   2.) I noticed that when there are problems in my family, it throws off my internal state. Making it very hard to get the ball rolling again.

   eg. Currently recovering from an incident related to family, and that has also caused me to be more "introverted". Like my mind space is polluted.

   3.) I noticed that when I meet a girl whom I really like, and get into something casual with her, my urge and desire to pro-actively flirt and meet new girls is lessened. I lose a certain kind of drive.

   eg. I'm currently seeing someone who is sensual, flirtatious and dreamy. My type. I feel "satisfied" and lose some of my enthusiasm to grow my circle of girlfriends. I've become complacent.

   This month it's especially noticeable because I'm challenged by all three weaknesses at once.

   Anyone else experience something similar? How would you overcome things that throw you off your game?

   Thanks in advance!

   Posted 1 month ago

2. Eric Disco
   Host

   1.) I noticed that when I'm buried in work or a new project (I'm somewhat of a workaholic, my passions swallow me), I tend not to go out very much, preferring to stay indoors... I end up being very rusty next time I'm in a social environment.

   There's two issues here with this. The first is getting so wrapped up in something when you know that it is going to prevent you from meeting people. Not that you can't do something like that. I used to make a lot of electronic music alone in my bedroom. And I'm currently writing a book for which I spend a lot of time alone.

   But you need to notice how much of that alone time is a crutch. Spending too much time doing things alone is a form of social anxiety. Yes, you can accomplish many things alone and those things are very worthwhile. But how important is it to you to meet people and have friends? How important is it to you to find a wife and have kids? And beyond that, there is a certain happiness you can only attain by becoming a more social, confident person. If you had to miss two hours of work so you could go on a date with a very cute girl, would you? You probably would.

   In those times that you find yourself very busy with your life, stop using the excuse that you are buried in your work. That's not a good excuse to not take SOME kind of initiative with people. At least keep it going a little bit. Even if it's just asking someone for directions every day. Do something. And stop using the excuse that you're too busy. That's your social anxiety speaking.

   2.) I noticed that when there are problems in my family, it throws off my internal state. Making it very hard to get the ball rolling again.
   eg. Currently recovering from an incident related to family, and that has also caused me to be more "introverted". Like my mind space is polluted.

   I don't have too much to say about this. But family can make you crazy. You need to figure out a way to find your center. If they're giving you anxiety, then you can do affirmations. You can do all kinds of things. Notice how you're feeling and deal with it.

   3.) I noticed that when I meet a girl whom I really like, and get into something casual with her, my urge and desire to pro-actively flirt and meet new girls is lessened. I lose a certain kind of drive.
   eg. I'm currently seeing someone who is sensual, flirtatious and dreamy. My type. I feel "satisfied" and lose some of my enthusiasm to grow my circle of girlfriends. I've become complacent.

   The answer to this is the same thing as for when you get too busy. Do a little bit. Do something. Keep that fire going a little bit. It's amazing how much a little bit can do if you do it every day. Don't get lazy out there. This stuff isn't just to meet new women, it's to be come a more socially confident person.

   Eric

   Posted 1 month ago

3. Zaphod
   Member

   Eric, thank you.

   But you need to notice how much of that alone time is a crutch. Spending too much time doing things alone is a form of social anxiety...
   ...In those times that you find yourself very busy with your life, stop using the excuse that you are buried in your work. That's not a good excuse to not take SOME kind of initiative with people. At least keep it going a little bit. Even if it's just asking someone for directions every day.

   That is so true. I made an effort this weekend, It's just a matter of me putting aside time. I felt 100 times awesome when I got back home. Socializing re-energises me. I hope I don't forget that again.

   Family can make you crazy. You need to figure out a way to find your center.

   Thanks. I'm working with "grounding" affirmations to make sure I don't lose balance. Reading this blog also helps get me focused again ;)

   The answer to this is the same thing as for when you get too busy. Do a little bit. Do something. Keep that fire going a little bit. It's amazing how much a little bit can do if you do it every day. Don't get lazy out there. This stuff isn't just to meet new women, it's to be come a more socially confident person.
   Eric

   This is EXACTLY what I needed to hear. It's similar to learning a musical instrument in that way, and I'm applying it to all other parts of my life now as well.

   It's good to have a place where we can get "re-calibrated" as social men. This is a great help, thank you!

   Z

   Posted 1 month ago

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