Approach Forum » Approach Anxiety

1. Digger
   Member

   Hi there, I discovered this blog about 2 and a half months ago. I absolutely love it. AA is my problem. And it's a huge problem.

   I found out about PU in the summer of 2008 when I finally accepted that it had to do something with myself that I didn't get a girl for 6 years. Shortly after that I got a girlfriend and we stayed together till April. So, being single again I decided to start PU again. After one frustrating night out without being able to approach women that were sending me clear signals, I did a google search for Approach Anxiety and I discovered this site. 6 days after that, I headed for Orlando (I'm from Germany) to go on a two week vacation alone, to finally get over the break up. It worked out good and I used the vacation to start getting over my fear. I started asking people to take pictures of me and after several days switched over to women ("Theme-Park Game"). Since I had all day for this I could take my time and watch my mind and body closely. I noticed how my body affected my mind and so on. I learned some good lessons from that. Back at home and back at work, I tried to stay at the one approach a day level by just asking women for the time without pushing it further.

   Two weeks ago I took a workshop here in Germany where we would spend a night in a club. I told the coach before to have "No Mercy" with me since I just took the workshop to get my ass kicked to get over my damn AA. He made me do some stupid stuff as well like going to a super hot russian blond and say to her "Let's make out". Of course she rejected, but at first she was smiling like crazy. Two days after that, my mind kind of sorted the experiences and a light confident feeling started to rise in my chest. At the same time I got this light funny one-sided smile on my face. The following days were awesome, I even managed to approach and talk to a girl in a club without experiencing any fear at all. Something that I had never done in my hole life.

   But the feeling didn't stay too long. Since last Sunday it's all gone and I feel like I'm back at the beginning. I'm experiencing so much anxiety again, it's a shame. I know everything else works out perfect in my life. I'm confident and successful in my job and so on but the AA is my curse. It's my mental impairment. If I could pay a surgeon to just cut it out of my brain, I would. I'm frustrated and I hate it so much.

   Any advice on how to get past that? Any experiences on how hard it is, to get the feeling back?

   Posted 2 months ago

2. Eric Disco
   Host

   Hey Man,

   You aren't dealing with an approach anxiety relapse after the workshop. The workshop did not get rid of your approach anxiety in the first place.

   This is exactly why I took a break from teaching workshops in order to focus on sustained one-on-one mentoring. Most of the guys in the workshops were there to get past approach anxiety. It's not a good way to get past approach anxiety. For all these guys--and myself included when I took my first workshop--their story is similar to yours.

   They go to the workshop and have an amazing experience. They feel great for a few days or weeks but then it starts to deflate. Some guys have even told me that they feel worse than they did originally.

   Don't get me wrong, workshops can be great for learning new skills. And they can be good to see what is actually possible with women, both seeing yourself do it and seeing others do it. But for getting past approach anxiety, it's not the best method.

   Your original method in Orlando with asking people to take pictures of you was actually a better way of getting past approach anxiety. You went up to people and engaged them in low-pressure situations. You did something manageable that you could sustain over a long period of time.

   Getting confidence is more akin to becoming a better athlete. It's something you need to train for over a period of time.

   It's tempting to want to get past approach anxiety all at once, because those feelings are so overwhelming and the road seems so long. But if you start small and do something manageable, you can build up your confidence the only way it is truly possible: by building up a store of small, successful experiences.

   And here, when we talk about "successful experiences" it is defined as just having taken the initiative, not necessarily getting a positive response from her. Part of this process is learning how to deal with negative responses from people in a way that contributes to your success. You emotionally learn to frame any negative responses in a positive way.

   That's why it's so important that you start small. You can practice framing any small negative responses as positive ("She didn't want to take my picture") rather than trying to do that with huge rejections (She freaked out when I said "Let's make out.")

   Eventually you'll feel comfortable with larger risks and know how to emotionally deal with them if they fail, but at the beginning you want to start small.

   Eric

   Posted 2 months ago

3. Digger
   Member

   Sorry, double post

   Posted 2 months ago

4. Eric Disco
   Host

   Hey Digger, I seem to have deleted your response by accident.

   To sum it up what you wrote, you seemed to be saying you want to get rid of this flaw called approach anxiety and you were asking what the next step is. You can't go beyond asking for the time or asking for a tissue.

   Firstly, don't consider your approach anxiety a flaw. The fact that you can love, feel loss and feel anxiety at new challenges are all part of the human condition. If this wasn't a challenge to you, you would look for something else that challenged you. You are right where you want to be.

   The next step for you is to simply stay in longer. You are able to ask somebody for the time or for a tissue. And then your tendency is to leave. Run away! That's okay. It's natural.

   In order to appropriately challenge yourself, see if you can stay in a bit longer. Ask a second question. Make a statement about yourself. Just practice physically lingering a little bit longer and defying that feeling that makes you want to leave right away.

   Eventually you can practice staying in as long as possible, or until she walks away. The more you push yourself in this area, the more comfortable you will get with it.

   Eric

   Posted 2 months ago

5. Digger
   Member

   Hey Eric,

   I just stumbled over a part of your previous answer: "because those feelings are so overwhelming and the road seems so long"

   Does it just "seem so long" and is progress faster than expected or is the road really long.

   Posted 2 months ago

6. Eric Disco
   Host

   Guys can get good at this a lot faster than they think they can. The most amount of progress, the biggest changes I saw in myself were at the beginning when I started putting myself out there.

   However, I'm still improving and still refining myself in ways I never dreamed possible. I don't think that's going to end.

   Eric

   Posted 2 months ago

7. Digger
   Member

   Hey Eric, thank's for the advice. I thought about it a lot this weekend and it clicked.
   It was Sunday morning, when it came to me that accepting the small step way is the only way I can go. And I accepted it. I instantly relaxed.

   Later when I went into the city I noticed a big difference. Before, every time I saw a hot girl it would remind me of my own powerlessness and I would get very very frustrated. Not this time. My automatic thoughts were: "Someday I will be able to approach her. The time will come". And I felt happy instead of frustrated.
   One more time the big challenge called Pick-Up teaches me a broader lesson about living.

   Posted 1 month ago

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