It’s 10 AM. We’re standing on the subway train.

I’ve carefully positioned myself next to her so that it seems incidental that I’ve chosen to ask her.

She responds, saying there is.

“I have friends coming into town for the weekend and I’m thinking of bringing them there,” I say, continuing the conversation.

We start to talk a bit about the zoo and central park. And then…

I stop. I let conversation drop.

I look around the subway car as I wait…

Wait…

Wait…

Wait…

“There’s a website that’s really good…” she says about ten seconds later.

I’ve been doing this a lot lately to great effect. My best interactions lately have been when I took a break between the opener and the follow-up.

I start talking with a girl. I’m leading the conversation.

And then about 30 seconds to a minute in, I drop conversation.

Whatever she says, I nod my head, or even don’t respond to.

Sometimes she picks conversation back up, like this girl. Sometimes I start it up again. Or sometimes, if I’m not that into the girl, I don’t continue the conversation.

This pause, pregnant with tension, does a lot of great things.

Firstly, it shows that I’m not eager to speak with her.

It’s a perfect way to demonstrate that I don’t feel like I have to continue the conversation. I’m not dying to speak with her.

I started to do this after I’d opened women and were somewhat ambivalent about them.

“She’s okay,” I’d think to myself. “But not great.” And I’d let conversation drop.

This is exactly what you want to communicate to a woman.

She feels like you think she’s okay, but if it doesn’t happen it doesn’t happen.

That’s powerful.

The pregnant pause also gives her a chance to restart conversation. Often she won’t. Usually it’s because she can’t.

I took initiative to open the conversation. That takes balls. It takes skill and conversational ability.

Most women can’t do that. Most people can’t do that.

That means I get a lot of credit for what I did. But to do it twice? Twice the credit.

It also makes her a bit uncomfortable. That’s a good thing.

That silence builds tension and anticipation. She’s wondering if I’m going to start again. She doesn’t know what’s going to happen next. And that’s deliciously fun for her.

This works best when you have something to say, but you don’t say. You hold back and just wait to see what happens.

She’s got those qualities. I’ve got these qualities. Am I good enough for her?

It’s a simple one-to-one equation for them.

But guys who are great with women know how to use leverage.

Archimedes famously said, “Give me a lever long enough and I’ll move the world.”

With a long beam and a fulcrum, you can move something multiple times heavier than you’d be able to move without.

That’s the definition of leverage.

When it comes to doing well with women, the same applies.

The way you use leverage is to take what’s been given to you and use it for multiple times what it would normally be worth.

In this way, a guy can capitalize on a tiny bit of interest–or a tiny opening–and make things happen.

Here are a few ways to do this.

Bzzzt. Boring!

You start talking with a woman. She’s receptive at first. And you get into a mild conversation. But you find yourself talking about mundane topics.

Most guys would be happy to just be in a conversation with a woman, so they stay on track. They keep going in the same boring direction.

But a guy who’s good knows how to leverage this small bit of interest she’s given him.

I’ll sometimes even get a girl to talk about something boring on purpose. I’ll find out where she’s from and then mention New York winters.

She starts to say something about the weather and then I cut her off.

“–alright! This is boring conversation. Let’s talk about something more interesting. The first boy you ever kissed, tell me the story.”

Lee does this too. If a girl asks him a boring question, he’ll cut her off with “Bzzzt! Conversation filler! New topic: have you ever kissed a girl?”

Of course, he’s ready with a story of his own when she throws the question back to him.

This is also known as ‘breaking rapport.’

Glenn will do something similar in sending text messages to a girl. If she asks a boring question, he’ll send zzzz’s as if he’s falling asleep.

Validate her rather than talk up commonalities

Most guys will look for commonalities when talking with a girl. He finds out she skis. “I like to ski too!” he’ll say.

Over and over he does this, trying to show her that he’s just like her.

But the more he does this, the more he’s sending her a message: I’m trying to win you over.

This is so boring for her.

Instead, you want to validate her as if she just won your interest. You can give her a hug and say, “Yes! That’s awesome. Hug. A girl that likes to ski.”

Chances are she’ll ask you if you ski, and then you can share it. But instead of showing her how much you’re like her, you want to validate her.

And then take it away.

Once you validate her, in the next sentence, you can take it away.

A girl tells me she’s into electronic music. I validate her. “Yes! I knew there was more to you than your looks. That’s awesome!”

Later, she tells me she’s also into folk music.

“Oh, you were doing so well. And then you had to bring that up.” I say it playfully, but still turn away from her a little as if she’s losing my interest.

This is also known as push/pull. It keeps her trying to win your interest. That’s fun for her. All of a sudden you’re a challenge.

Call out when she brings up commonalities

This is something fun I like to do. I’ll mention something, like I’m into electronic music. And then she’ll say that she’s into electronic music.

I’ll bust on her. “Are you really into electronic music or are you just saying that because I said it?”

Again, in calling this out, the underlying communication here is that she is trying to win me over.

I took something that she did–displayed some commonalities–and I leveraged it into so much more.

It can sometimes seem like a gorgeous woman is so far out of your league. It seems almost impossible for you to get enough attraction to get that girl to like you.

In this way, you start to see how no woman is out of your league.

You don’t need a lot of attraction at first. Just a little. And use leverage from there.

SOPA and PIPA are pending U.S. laws that would give a handful of corporations power to censor the internet in order to maximize their profits.

The bills, aimed at stopping piracy, call for a government blacklist that would block accused websites without a court trial.

It would make merely discussing the location of websites on the blacklist illegal.

ApproachAnxiety.com and many of your favorite websites could drop off the internet with only an accusation.

The internet is the most important tool of our time. In a world dominated by technology, the right to free speech on the internet is the cornerstone on which all other human rights currently depend.

If you live in the U.S., please call your legislators about this on January 18. Let them know that we won’t stand silently by as they try to censor the voice of a generation.

Eric

More links about SOPA

Growing Chorus of Opposition to “Stop Online Piracy Act”

American Censorship Day

Founders of the Internet Write a Letter to Congress Opposing SOPA (pdf)

Reddit: Stopped they must be; on this all depends.

Boing Boing will go dark on Jan 18 to fight SOPA

Stephen Colbert explains SOPA

How SOPA Could Ruin My Life

SOPA supporters facing boycotts, thanks to Reddit

Subreddit to fight SOPA

BoingBoing articles tagged SOPA

It’s playful and I get to hold her hand.

There’s always a point in the conversation where I transition into personal topics.

“What do you do?” I ask her.

“No–wait,” I say. “Don’t tell me. Let me guess.”

I look her up and down.

“I’m really good at this. I’m actually psychic. Here, give me your hand.”

I take her hand in mine.

“Okay, try to psychically send it to me.”

I look deep into her eyes.

“Stop thinking dirty thoughts. Keep it clean.”

Keep looking deep into her eyes.

“Oh, okay,” I say as I throw her hand away.

“You’re a juggler in an all-girl juggling troupe,” I say.

Sometimes she’ll play along and say I’m right. More often, she’ll say no. Or no, but close.

“Are you sure?” I’ll ask. “You just want me to hold your hand again, don’t you? Okay, give me your hand.”

I do it again. I’ll take another guess. Sometimes this guess will be a more sincere guess.

When and if I get it wrong again, I usually say something like, “My psychic powers are failing me!”

“Okay, what do you do? You’re not going to make me keep guessing, are you?”

Women are out everywhere doing what they do best: shopping.

It’s no surprise the one of the easiest ways to meet women is to talk about gift buying.

She’s a hotty in the Medical Reference section at Barnes & Noble bookstore.

She’s leaning against a railing with her face buried in a book.

I walk over, stand next to her, and pick up a book off the shelf.

I open the book and tap her on the arm while looking at the book.

“Do you think this is a good gift for a nurse, or do you think she’d be sick of stuff like this?”

I just got off the phone with my friend who hooked up with a nurse, that’s why it came to mind.

Immediately the girl starts giggling.

“She might already know everything,” she says.

“Everything?” I ask. “My sister is an architect and I’ve gotten her architecture books before. But she’s ambivalent about them. So maybe I shouldn’t get a medical reference for a nurse, right?”

“Or, she could think it’s interesting,” the girl says.

She has the deepest blue eyes. I can tell she’s thin but she’s wrapped up on a long blue coat so I can’t check out her body.

Damn you winter coats!

“Yeah, look at all these pictures. This is kinda cool, right?” I say

“Look, the human brain…” she says.

“You’re not a nurse, are you?”

“No. Sorry,” she says.

“Dammit!” I say with a playful anger. “I had such high hopes for you. You looked very medical over here in the medical reference section.”

She laughs. “Well, good luck with that!” she says.

“Thanks,” I say, pushing forward. “Let me guess, you’re a lawyer who helps injured people get a lot of money from corporations.”

“No,” she laughs.

“Darn! Wrong again,” I say.

“I work in higher education,” she says.

And we begin to get into deeper conversation. By the time I walk off, she’s complimenting me and thanking me for “stopping by to say hi.”

There’s almost nowhere you can’t go and ask a girl if something would make an appropriate gift.

You’ve got a mother, a sister, or a “friend” who all seem to need gifts this time of year.

Best make use of it.

I was taking the train around the city looking for different locations, and I noticed something:

All the cute girls I was meeting were on the train going to these locations rather than at the locations themselves.

There’s a reason a lot of guys inevitably ask the question: How do I meet women on public transportation?

In New York City, aside from women walking down the street, there is probably no place you see more attractive women.

So it’s very worthwhile to get good at meeting women on public transportation.

First, let’s discuss the pros and cons of doing this.

The Advantages of Meeting People on Public Transportation:

There are a lot of gorgeous women. If you ride public transportation, I don’t have to tell you how many attractive women you see, particularly during rush hour.

Women tend to be alone. A woman may be on her way to work or on her way to meet friends. But while traveling, she’s usually alone. If there’s a boyfriend, you’ll know right away. He’s usually right with her on the train, not in some other section of the store or bar.

Women tend to be bored. In stores women are busy shopping. In bars, women are with their friends. On public transportation, a woman is typically waiting for the train. She’s not doing anything, except maybe reading, looking at her phone, or staring off into space.

Women are not talking on the phone on the subway. One of the most frustrating logistics out in public is women talking on the phone. And it seems the hotter the girl, the more likely she’s in the middle of a phone call rushing down the street. Underground, in the subways, there is no phone reception. Let’s hope it stays that way.

Women are stationary. In stores women are rushing around. Women walking down the streets are not easy to stop, especially in winter. When waiting for public transportation, or riding it, women are usually standing still or sitting.

It’s indoors, so it’s usually not too cold or too hot. Most stations are indoors, so they aren’t effected by weather. Buses and trains themselves are a comfortable temperature for conversation.

The Drawbacks of Meeting People on Public Transportation:

Trains can be super crowded. At rush hour, when there are the most women, trains and buses can be very crowded. Sometimes this can prevent you from even getting near an attractive woman.

There can be a lot of people listening in. Usually, there are people around when you start talking to a girl on public transportation. People tend to be quiet, so inevitably your conversation will be overheard. That may make you uncomfortable initially.

Small time window. If you talk to her on the train platform, it’s difficult to predict when the train will come. Once on the train, you don’t know how long you have to talk with her. She may be getting off at the next stop. This is a very unforgiving time window as compared to a store or a bar.

Loud trains and buses. You may be speaking to her on the platform when a loud train comes along and your conversation is interrupted. Some older trains are fairly loud once you’re inside them.

Logistical issues getting on and off. If you start talking with her on the platform, it may be a problem getting near each other once on the crowded train. If she sits, there may be no open seats next to her.

Being underground sucks. Unlike a park or a store, train stations and the trains themselves are not the most enjoyable environment. I could walk through parks and stores for hours, but after an hour or so on the trains, I really need to get outdoors and get fresh air.

Tips for Meeting Women on Public Transportation

Warm up before you get to the trains. I like to engage a few people asking directions outside before I get to the subway platform. That way I’m warmed up and ready to go when I get down there.

Try to go during rush hour. I read an article a while back where a guy went on the train every hour to see how many women versus men there were. During rush hour in the morning and evening, there are 55% women. By 3 AM, the ratio has dropped to something like 5% women. Lunch hour during the week and on Saturdays isn’t bad either.

Get next to her. There’s usually a great excuse to get yourself in her vicinity on the platform or on the train: Act like you’re looking at maps and signs for directions. If she’s on the other side of the train, you can get up, look at a map, and then walk over near her. If she’s on the platform, you can try to look at signs in the vicinity. Or simply stop walking when you get to her and turn and look to see if the train/bus is coming.

Try to find a seat next to her. If there is an open seat next to her on the train, bus, or platform, always take it. Sometimes you need to act quickly when a lot of people are shuffling around, so keep your eyes open.

Be indirect. Because it’s such an enclosed space, you want to be more subtle about engaging women. Some ways to open women that have worked for me:

“Do you know if there’s a zoo in central park?” Example.

“Love the boots! Where did you get them? My friend was looking for a pair exactly like that.”

“Do you know a good place for karaoke?” Example.

Talk to her on the platform first, if possible. Start talking to her on the platform first if you see her instead of waiting. If you’re too scared to open her on the platform, or the situation isn’t right, it’s not likely you’ll feel better about it once you’re on the train.

Find out where she’s getting off. Once in conversation with her, ask her subtly where she’s getting off. That way you know how much time you have to talk with her and get her contact info. Depending on what you’re going for, you can also say, ‘No way! Me too.’

Be ready with contact info. You don’t want to be scrambling to exchange contact info when her stop comes up. Do it ahead of time if possible. You may even want to have a card with your e-mail on it in case you need to exchange info fast.

You can check out some field reports about meeting women on subways in the Subway Field Reports section.

They were to go down into the subways of New York City and, over and over, ask people if they could have their seat.

“Excuse me, may I have your seat?”

Originally, the experiment was conducted to see just how many people would give up their seats. Surprisingly, two thirds did.

But the more interesting part about this experiment is the trepidation the students experienced trying to carry out this task.

Those of you who have had trouble breaching the invisible barrier between you and that attractive stranger on the street will relate to their experiences.

The seemingly simple assignment proved to be extremely difficult, even traumatic, for the students to carry out.

“It’s something you can’t really understand unless you’ve been there,” said Dr. David Carraher, 55, now a senior scientist at a nonprofit group in Cambridge, Mass.

Dr. Kathryn Krogh, 58, a clinical psychologist in Arlington, Va., was more blunt: “I was afraid I was going to throw up.” (NY Times)

Kathryn Krogh looked so sick that “another woman sprang up from her seat and twice asked Krogh, who kept her eyes fixed on the ground, if she was O.K.”

Dr. Milgram asked another one of his graduate classes to do the experiment. But no one would.

Finally one student agreed. He said he would go out and try it 20 times.

The student could only complete it 14 times. Why only 14? It was too difficult.

So Dr. Milgram went out to try it for himself.

But when he tried, he found himself “frozen.”

“The words seemed lodged in my trachea and would simply not emerge,” he said in the interview.

Retreating, he berated himself: ‘What kind of craven coward are you?”

A few unsuccessful tries later, he managed to choke out a request.

“Taking the man’s seat, I was overwhelmed by the need to behave in a way that would justify my request,” he said. “My head sank between my knees, and I could feel my face blanching. I was not role-playing. I actually felt as if I were going to perish.”

Another student said what he was doing felt “unethical.” He felt like he was deceiving the other passengers. In order to feel better about what he was doing, he would give them a card explaining the experiment.

Keep in mind what these people were doing.

They weren’t stealing money. They weren’t being sexual. They weren’t making a commotion in front of large groups of people.

They were asking a person for their seat on the subway train.

Many who have tried to interact with a stranger in public have experienced this.

People will go to great lengths to avoid public embarrassment and rejection. They will avoid at all costs doing something they perceive as socially inappropriate.

“Just go up and talk to her,” is a common admonishment that very few in our society are comfortable doing themselves.

I had a coaching client this Saturday who wanted to learn in one day all the mechanics of meeting women in public, from getting attraction to getting her phone number.

Yet, when we went into a supermarket, he felt “creepy” picking up a food object and asking an attractive woman if she’d tried it.

“It feels like I’m lying to her,” he told me.

This is completely normal. Everyone has these thoughts and feelings, particularly when starting out.

Once you do it enough times though, those thoughts and feelings fade to the background. You can focus on other things, like voice tone, eye contact, and using edgier openers.

But those thoughts always creep back. Take a few days off–or don’t get enough sleep the night before–and you may find yourself temporarily back in that head space.

Those emotions and thoughts crowd your mind.

Knowing how to deal with it, how to take one step after another up the ladder out of that hole, is the only way forward.

There is no substitute for understanding yourself.

See the top of this chart? It’s not a point, it’s an arrow. That’s not an accident.

Here’s a secret that “successful” people won’t tell you: when you get to the “top” you don’t feel like you’re at the top. In fact, the higher you climb, often the further it seems you have to go.

The best guys I know have an intensity, a hunger for more. Success does that to you. Once you taste a little, you start to want more. And more.

You hit setbacks, where your success seems to dip. But you zoom out and look over the big picture of your life.

And you realize that to move forward, taking a few steps backwards is not only inevitable, it’s part of the process.

You discover limitations you never knew you had. So you put your head down and work past it.

Humility is your greatest ally.

Perhaps one of the best gifts about knowing guys who are some of the best in the world when it comes to women, is seeing how human they are.

They’re not superman.

They have just as many failures, if not more. They get lazy. They get stupid. They get their hearts broken as well.

And they still struggle like all the rest, pushing forward, onward and upward, despite adversity.

That’s what success looks like.