Don't Be Clever

When I first started approaching women, I was nervous as hell.

I’d read some clever openers that seemed like they would work on women.

So I tried them.

I walked up to women hoping to make them laugh.

If I could get her to laugh she would be interested in me, I thought.

And I failed miserably. I didn’t fail because of the words. I failed because I was trembling with fear.

I was trying to be funny and cute when I was completely locked up.

I looked at what was happening, how some approaches would succeed but most would fail. I noticed how I felt afterward.

I looked at all the anxiety and how uncomfortable I was with this process.

That’s when I decided to throw everything away. I wouldn’t use anything.

I was intentionally not going to even try to do anything to get women to like me. I was just going to say Hi.

And I did it. I walked up to one woman every day and said “I was walking by and I just wanted to come say hi. My name’s Eric.”

Simple. Plain.

Almost idiotic.

I didn’t care if it worked or not. There was nothing to work or not work. I am simply doing it.

Every time I did it I was teaching my body something. I was teaching my body to approach her.

I was teaching my body that words don’t matter.

I was teaching my body that this particular approach wouldn’t make or break me.

I was learning to accept whatever joy or wrath my honesty incurred.

If this ‘opener’ didn’t work, if she said “No thanks, I’m busy,” there was nothing I could have done differently.

I didn’t mess up the lines or the comedic timing. There was nothing to mess up.

I wouldn’t walk away from her thinking to myself the usual thoughts.

Why didn’t I say this instead? Why didn’t I smile more? Why didn’t I do this or that?

The point would be to simply do it. If I did it, I achieved my goal for the day. And the achievement was monumental.

It also taught my body that I didn’t need to be clever. And you don’t.

Funny openers do not get a woman attracted to you. If anything, when you make her laugh, it lowers the tension and she feels a bit more comfortable talking to you.

You are already attractive. But you won’t believe me if I tell you this. Going out and not using any ‘attraction’ gimmicks teaches your body that you are already attractive the way you are.

Just taking initiative to walk up to this woman is amazingly attractive.

Your simple courage, your bravery, your honest action is a thousand times more interesting to her than any jokes and clever lines could be.

You trying to make her laugh will simply come across as you trying too hard.

Stop trying.

This is not about trying, this about doing.

Find an action that works for you. Make it as simple as possible. And take that action.

If you are comfortable with approaching and want to challenge yourself by using more fun, flirty openers, that’s fine.

But when it comes to approach anxiety, starting out with something as simple as possible will help the most.

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posted in Initiative and Inhibition, Ramp Up