Where Guys Go Wrong When They Meet a Girl They Really Like

by Eric Disco
Dec 25

At some point, you realize that what you’re doing just isn’t working.

You’re too tame, too friendly, too passive, and too nice. Too many opportunities are slipping through your fingers because you aren’t making the move.

So you learn new strategies that are edgier, bolder, and more sexual. You start to take risks with attractive women.

You start to get better results. Women respond to your new boldness. Things are looking up.

But then it happens: You meet a girl you really like. And everything seems different now.

Even though she’s not getting sexual with you, for some reason you decide it’s okay to be a lot nicer and take things a lot slower sexually with her.

Your brain comes up with brilliant reasons why it should be okay for you to do this:

  • I want a wholesome, quality girl rather than a trashy girl. A quality girl will make a guy take it slow before she hooks up with him.
  • I want true love and a relationship instead of just sex. True love means that even though she isn’t into me yet, I keep making an effort until I win her over.
  • I didn’t make it clear to her that I’m interested in her as a person rather than just interested in her sexually. I’ll take her out on some respectable (sexless) dates to show her that I really like her.
  • She’s waiting for me to act more boyfriend-like before she gets sexual with me. I’ll play the good guy for a while and she may get sexual with me later.
  • She only dates guys she’s friends with first. I’ll just chill. I’ll become friends with her and make the move later.
  • She comes from a different culture where girls are more modest. I’ll give her what she’s used to, which is taking it slow sexually.
  • She’s shy and doesn’t trust people easily. I’ll win her trust and later she’ll open up to me sexually.

The underlying idea is this:

I’ve found a great girl. I’m going to try to invest emotionally with her and let her invest emotionally with me. I’ll leave the sex for later, until she’s emotionally invested in me. Then I’ll get her for sure.

There are two big problems with this strategy.

First, you become too emotional to get sexual. The longer you hang out with her `as a friend,’ the more emotionally invested you become. You start to have more and more feelings for her beyond friendship.

As you spend weeks/months/years getting closer to this girl without getting sexual, your emotional investment makes you careful and inhibited around her because you don’t want to lose what you have with her.

So it becomes almost impossible to make the move to get sexual later.

Second, she starts to lose attraction for you. The more emotionally invested you get in her without her commensurate sexual investment, the more she loses attraction for you.

She reads your unwillingness to get sexual as a lack of self-confidence on your part. She sees this as you not having enough confidence in your own sexual attractiveness to bring the relationship to a sexual place.

Your deliberate, careful, sex-free demeanor bores her.

Instead of letting this girl off the hook in terms of sexual investment, it is critical that you get her sexually invested in the relationship sooner rather than later.

Sexual investment doesn’t just mean sex. It could mean sexual banter. It could mean physical contact.

But whatever it is, it leads to sex. It’s a small sexual investment on her part which calls for a small emotional investment on your part.

If she is unwilling to get sexual with you early on, then you should not be willing to invest emotionally in this girl.

Sure, you could be friends with her if that’s honestly what you want. But honestly, is that really what you want? It isn’t.

Don’t try to be friends with her if you are interested in her sexually. That will just lead to problems for you.

Typically, if you inject sex early on and she isn’t into it, she’ll filter herself out.

Often she’ll drop the conversation or stop talking with you. She may act offended or `creeped out.’

That’s fine. That’s what you want.

You want to find out if there’s any attraction for you early on instead of wasting hours/days/weeks/months on this girl only to find she isn’t into you.

When you meet a girl you really like, don’t change your game for her. Don’t slow down. She doesn’t get a free pass just because you like her.

No matter how nice and wholesome she seems, she will be willing to invest something sexually if she likes you.

And if she isn’t willing, it’s not worth the investment on your part, no matter how great she seems.

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If you aren’t meeting women you really like, it’s time to learn how. My new program, She’s Six Steps Away, teaches you everything you need to know to get past your fear of approaching women.

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posted in Initiative and Inhibition, Sex and Escalation

COMMENTS
12 responses
KL says:

Well said Eric. This is an important topic.

But there’s another whole dimension to this thing. The notion that women don’t really want sex. The idea that a woman who enjoys sex or wants to take control of her sex life is a “whore” or a “slut.”

This line:

“I want a wholesome, quality girl rather than a trashy girl. A quality girl will make a guy take it slow before she hooks up with him.”

Ugh, this bullshit is SO common among men it’s sickening. Classic double standard. It’s ultimately rooted in sexist notions of female weakness and virginity and “purity,” but that’s another topic for another time.

A woman WANTS to get sexual, and she wants you as a man to lead the sexual escalation. She is rooting for you, hoping that you can guide things in the right way and turn her on.

DAP says:

Hugh Hefner said it best: “Good girls love sex to.”

Ben says:

This really makes alot of sense. But I have a some questions. So the situation goes from finding a girl who is not good or bad really but one that will get sexually with you, since that is what we ultimately want(even though we sometimes lie to ourselves and believe our own bullshit about not wanting to sexual because we’re scared we might upset her). But than the next logical question is how do you filter out the trashy girls from the “good” girls that you DO get sexual with? And also what if she expects or just wants you to invest emotionally before you get sexual.

This seems like a way of filtering trashy girls because they don’t even have to know you or fill something for you to fuck you.

I will admit that I still have a lot of sexual shame and anxiety and it’s really frustration even when you know logical that we like sex just like us, they want to get fucked and they want us to do the fucking but the shame just poisons every interaction from the start. It manifests itself in ways like a fear a creeping a girl out(this one is huge and fucks everything up for me like if you creep one girl out she’s gonna tell all of her friends and now your done). Or if you do make a move and she thinks that that is all you want from her(especially if your doing it after knowing her only a short while). Then you think “okay, I made the move and she flipped out or just didn’t like or rejects you for it, does that mean if I had moved slower I would have got her? Or another question could be if a girl goes on a date with you she’s kind of already accepted that you might get sexual and she’s expecting it, so than why would she reject you when you do go for it? Maybe you weren’t smooth enough about or some other reason?

This is why being brought up as a nice guy will fuck with head. I’ve more or less kill the nice guy in myself with become a dick. It just seems like the issue of getting sexual is a major hurdle to get past. How do you learn to see yourself as a sexual person and being totally comfortable about it. SOme people say to stop masturbating for long periods of time so that you feel like more of an animal, but I don’t have the will power to do so.

This post makes total sense but is also very confusing(if that even makes sense).

I would really appreciate any resposes, especially relating to the sexual shame/anxiety issue as there are not alot of info out there that I’ve found.

Eric Disco says:

how do you filter out the trashy girls from the ‘good’ girls that you DO get sexual with?

The way I do it is to talk about their history. Girls will reveal things about themselves, how much sex they’ve had, what kind of sex they’ve had, etc. You can make inferences from there.

And also what if she expects or just wants you to invest emotionally before you get sexual?

This is one of the biggest traps that women lay. They make you think that they are all prude and nice when they really want sex. They act like they want a friend first and will even tell you they want a friend first, but then when you wait around, they lose attraction for you. They themselves may even believe that they want a guy to be friends with them first, but they don’t understand how their own attraction works. It’s the guy who’s bold and goes after what he wants that turns them on.

does that mean if I had moved slower I would have got her?

If you make the move and a girl freaks out, it rarely means that you should have gone slower. Sure, there are some guys who will whip their dick out with the girl in the car on the way to their first date location, but that isn’t you. Most nice guys move way too slowly.

If she freaks out, it’s probably because she wasn’t into you. She was probably sitting there deciding whether or not she likes you. And if she’s sitting there trying to decide whether or not she likes you, then she probably doesn’t. I’m sure you’ve been there before with women where you think to yourself, “Am I attracted to her?” If you even have to ask yourself that question, you’re probably not.

Or another question could be if a girl goes on a date with you she’s kind of already accepted that you might get sexual and she’s expecting it, so than why would she reject you when you do go for it? Maybe you weren’t smooth enough about or some other reason?

Pretty much this. Most guys are pretty bad at escalating with women. They don’t know how to do it to make her keep guessing and keep wanting him. They throw themselves at her because they can’t take the tension. Or if they do make the move, it’s weird and awkward for her.

Eric

totalNoob says:

>Ben: how do you filter out the trashy girls from the ‘good’ girls that you DO get sexual with?

>Eric Disco: The way I do it is to talk about their history. Girls will reveal things about themselves, how much sex they’ve had, what kind of sex they’ve had, etc. You can make inferences from there.

Hey Eric, could you please elaborate on what is a good way to ask a girl about her sexual history?

( I am from a conservative background and am interested in a long term relationship. )

Thanks and keep up the good work!

Eric Disco says:

Hey Eric, could you please elaborate on what is a good way to ask a girl about her sexual history?

Ask her about her last boyfriend, how long they were together, when it ended, why it ended. You don’t want to grill her about it, but just throw it out there as if you’re making conversation.

You can play the questions game and ask her about her previous sexual experiences. Find out about her friends and their sexual proclivities.

Eric

Lee says:

One way to playfully ask girls about their sexual histories is to ask how many boyfriends they’ve had and, out of those, how many of the break ups were initiated by her and how many were initiated by the guys. The answers are revealing, and the question itself puts women a bit on the defensive. If they did all of the breaking up, they’re a little crazy, and if the men always left them, there must be something wrong with them, right?

–Lee

Alessandro says:

Hello, great article;) First, I think that when you like a girl regardless of her physical appearance you have to go talk to him.

I think it is better to say bullshit rather than not having even tried;)

Manray says:

Another great article Eric!

One of the reasons I’m not fearful as my marriage is ending is that I’ve come across this community and I realized I don’t have to settle for mediocre. My (soon-to-be-ex) wife is not a bad person, she’s just not or no longer the right person for me. I can learn the skills to attract the exact right person for me. I’ve been the “nice guy” way too much in the past and what you’ve written has resonated strongly with me.

So thanks again!

cjfauburn says:

This is extremely applicable to my current situation. I got way to emotionally invested with a girl. I have been talking to her for a couple months. At first, her interest level was peaking; her attraction towards me was strong. She was texting me constantly and chasing me. I was not expecting what would come next.
She is finishing up her last two semesters at school, 2 hours away from where I live and where she is from. The first few times we got together I never made a move on her sexually-not even making out. I fell into the trap Eric talking about here. I liked her. I got too emotionally invested and was taking it slow. All of the sudden communication was always initiated by me and close-ended by her. She couldn’t have seem less interested. A few weeks passed where I decided to just stay silent for awhile and wait until she got home.
We went out for new years and I went in for a kiss (for the first time) at midnight. Not only did she reciprocate, but she initiated the rest of the hooking up through out the night. She is initiating communication again and hinting at ideas for dates. Things are great.

Just wanted to support this post with my recent experience.

Zhelyazko says:

Yes…it all seems to be about having iron balls and risking it, not caring what any one woman thinks of you. Sometimes I am there, most often I am not. But at least I know where I want to get to. This is huge!

Thanks Eric and Lee

Thatindianguy says:

Awesomeness!!
this is what happens to almost every other guy out there! You lije a girl then you would spend your whole nights thinking about her and act like her gay friend! As eric said it’ll be better if we can really make it a bit sexual and test her rather than wasting your emotional energy on that girl…if you kbiw it isnt working still you are saved from being an emotional breakdown lol
just break in and do what you think, most of the guys just keep thinking!!
What would eric say on this??

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