How Approaching Women Builds Confidence

by Eric Disco
Oct 9

Most men walk around insecure about their looks.

They feel bad that they can’t attract certain women because they themselves aren’t physically attractive enough.

They walk around with a feeling that attraction for women works the same way it does for men.

Most men haven’t had enough experience initiating interactions with women they don’t know.

Because of this, they can only mirror their own attraction mechanism–which is highly based on visual input-and project that onto women.

They feel that women are just like men, except that they have different bodies (female bodies) and are attracted to different bodies (male bodies).

We’ve talked many times before about how women’s attraction, like men, is partially based on looks, but is more dependent on dominance and social intelligence.

Women are simply attracted to very different things than men are.

This has been proven through countless clinical studies.

You may read this and it may make you feel better. Or you may not even believe it.

But chances are, no matter how much you read, when you go out into the real world, you still feel insecure.

You’ll still worry about your looks.

You’ll still feel bad about yourself.

The only way you start to feel better about yourself is when you take action in the real world.

Here’s how it happens.

When you first start going out and talking with women you don’t know, you get a lot of rejections. You’re very uncomfortable speaking with women.

Awkward. Weird.

Then after a while, you start to improve. You start to get a little more comfortable with this stuff.

You still get a lot of rejections, but there are a few women who are receptive to you, at least initially.

And you start to notice something.

The receptivity of women does not necessarily correspond to how attractive they are.

Some women are friendly to you–even attracted to you–when you start talking with them, and it’s not necessarily the uglier girls.

You’ll usually fuck up that attraction because you have too little experience. But you walk away knowing that you fucked it up.

She was attracted at first and you were too inhibited or you did the wrong thing.

You start to change your behavior, and more women-more attractive women-are attracted to you at first.

You change your behavior even more. More women are attracted to you, and stay attracted to you.

As you keep doing this you start to see that attraction and rejection are based mostly on your behavior.

There will, of course, be a large percentage of interactions with random women that don’t go anywhere, but of the ones that do go somewhere, it’s because you changed your behavior.

You go back and try the old behavior, and it doesn’t work.

But the new behavior gets results.

Not always an intimate relationship. Not always a date. And not always a phone number.

But you can see their attraction change based on your behavior.

This is the “realization” that comes from going out and talking with women you don’t know.

This is what separates your looks-which you can’t change-from your behavior, which you can change.

There is no way to “realize” this from reading a book.

There is no way to learn that lesson by talking to yourself, going to therapy, putting your photos up on hotornot or asking your friends a thousand times whether you’re attractive.

The only way to learn that is by experiencing it in the real world.

By seeing women react to your behavior.

And here’s the funny part.

I still know I’m not a great looking guy.

I still know some women reject me because I’m not attractive enough.

I still look at a guy on the train who’s gorgeous and fantasize about what it must be like to look like that.

But it doesn’t effect my self-esteem at all. I don’t feel bad about myself.

I meet and date some amazingly attractive women.

But more so, I’ve learned to appreciate the fact that I don’t have things handed to me because of my looks.

I would never have learned social skills to the depth I know it now if I were gorgeous.

I know when a girl is into me it’s because I said and did the right thing.

I know that it’s not my looks that hooked the girl, but my behavior.

You know how much confidence that gives me?

A lot. A hell of a lot of confidence.


posted in Attraction, Initiative and Inhibition

10 responses
humz says:

Right on the money there, Eric.

I especially liked how you defined ‘behaviour’. You provided an amazing way to view pickup personality development.

Great article.

Lee says:

I am 100% on board with the looks thing. I pride myself on the fact that most women do not find me particularly good looking. I am above average but I’m no model. I would guess I’m a seven, and I don’t look any younger than I actually am, 48. I have a great sense of style that women always notice, but that is something I taught myself. I am in good shape, but that is something I work at every day. I am good at social dynamics but that is something I practiced over many years. In other words, all of the credit goes to ME, ME, and ME! Why would I want it to be any other way? If I were bigger and beat a much smaller opponent, no one would compliment me on my jiujitsu skills. Why should pickup be any different? I’m glad I had to work for it. That’s why I appreciate it and that’s why I have some credibility when I tell others they can also succeed.


Stephen says:

Great article. Very insightful.

What’s the science behind some girls eyeing you up and others either ignoring you as they walk past.

Say a good looking guy is walking down a street and passes a lot of girls: some hold eye contact some down even look at him…why is that? Should he be concerned with that? Is that an insecurity on behalf of his looks?

Eric Disco says:

Getting eye contact from women is a lot about attention, which is very closely related to attraction. There will be the usual factors that women notice: good body language, dressed well/differently, and of course, physical looks. In terms of getting eye contact walking down the street, the physical aspect that’s most important is height. It’s just easier to notice taller guys. I’ve walked around with taller guys and they get way more eye contact.

What the guy does with that eye contact is a different story. If he looks away shyly whenever he makes eye contact with a girl, she’ll lose attraction for him. If he’s looking down a lot or has “shifty” eyes (acting like he doesn’t want to be seen) it will come across as unattractive.

Guys tend to do that because the feel unattractive and have low-confidence in the fact that women may like them. It’s similar to putting your hands in your pockets, slouching, speaking quietly, etc. It’s an attempt to hide and draw as little attention to yourself as possible. You’re in essence saying to the world, “Don’t look at me. I’m not bothering anyone.”

When you start to get more comfortable with eye contact, people start to look at you more and you start to retain their attraction more.


Derrick says:

What gave me the confidence to approach was 1.) Having worked out for a few months, and 2.) Knowing I would never be in that place EVER again.

Christian Rene Friborg says:

The fear of rejection and shyness holds some people back. It prevents some men from having the love life they want.

Manray says:

This seems right on to me. I am focusing right now on the early steps – not trying to take interactions anywhere – just taking to anyone I’m attracted too (dealing with my fear), some light flirting, taking the conversation sexual, light touching, and walking away. I hope that by the time I’m ready to start dating these first steps will be much easier and I can move forward with more confidence.

Thanks for all you do Eric.

Tlaloc says:

How do you know she was not attracted to you by your looks? You cannot disregard the role that physique plays in the interaction and claim it is just because of your social skills. It may not have as much weight but is very important. I don’t think you would get the same success being a short fat, bald, ugly dude showing four tarnished teeth every time you smile. There is a reason all major pua systems pay special attention to looks and it is because they matter. The moral here is that in the end you have to make an effort be competent in all the aspects of the game and do not neglect any of them.

wilky says:

Im really happy I found this website….thank you. Some of this
Shit is divine if you ask me… (: got a question on approaching.
If you live in smaller communities and you both know each ither by name, but never officially met face to face. Can a guy tastefully nock on her door to say hello? Opinions?? Is it out??? When it could take along time to cross parhs again. I was thinking having balls is better than trying to run into her wich seems more like stalking to me. I really dig this chic!!! Woohoo!

By the way ive been trying to reset my password via this android. I get the email but the link saias key is invalid…

wilky says:

@eric, could you give me your take on the above? Aquaintence
Type situations…id post the ? In the forums but I cant login in until I
Can reset my password.