Her Temper Tantrums are Your Fault

by Eric Disco
Jul 30

In response to The Core of Relationship Management: You are the Prize, a comenter asks an excellent question:

I have been with my partner JUST under a year known her for about 2 months before we started dating.

I believe i am weak at times, i hate her being mad at me, she can crack it over the smallest thing, and usually wont talk to me after that point, sometimes i dont even know what has happened! (whats made her upset) It can be something like not replying fast enough on facebook so she thinks i am to busy to talk to her. and will say goodnight.

its very confusing for me her getting hurt so easy, and to me i dont think i have done anything actually really hurtful to her, its more her feeling insecure.. but when this happens in the past ive tried to msg call all that sort of thing to much, even tho i dont believe i am not in the wrong. its seem to make it worse because then she believes i have done something wrong or why would i call so much.

When this happens she is very rude and nasty to me, basically a bitch! its annoying when this happens and i am at her place. which is a 45 min drive from my home and i feel like i should leave because how she is treating me but i never have. because i feel if i do and i know i am in the right that she still will think she is and stay mad at me. so i end up trying to make things better and not stand my ground because how i feel.

I few times recently when shes acted this way ive ignored her or being short. shes come back to me later on and apologized. i think this is the right thing for me to do. but havnt felt strong enough to leave her place and do all that. as i think its a bit of an effort for me for something i think is small for her to be upset about.

That brings me to the next thing. Shes is very insecure and even depressed at times and wont believe that i love her etc because of how she feels about herself. nore does she ask me ever to come around because she feels she is taking up my time. i am welcome to visit when ever, also she will never come visit me. its hard to deal with someone like this at times because its confusing to me. Please can you add some insight for me.

This is the nice-guy in a relationship. I used to be like this all the time. And women HATE it.

You hate it when she’s mad at you. You hate conflict. And she can sense that. She uses that as a weapon against you, pummeling you into submission with it.

She can sense your weakness. So she keeps going there, picking at it like a someone who can’t stop touching a scab.

The more she senses your weakness, the more she goes there with little or no reason at all.

She’s like a child throwing a temper tantrum.

You give in enough times to that tantrum and eventually the child becomes a “cry-baby,” flying off the handle for anything and everything because it’s learned to get attention that way.

That child does not enjoy crying. And your woman does not enjoy being a bitch. But you let her get that way. You taught her to seek your attention that way. And so she keeps doing it.

So how do you fix this or prevent this from happening in the first place?

You’ve picked up that ignoring her and being short is the correct way to handle this. But let’s look a little deeper.

First, you need to differentiate whether she is throwing a tantrum or whether she has something legitimate to be upset about.

A child starts to cry for some reason. Is it legitimate? Did he fall and hurt himself or is he just whining?

When she gets upset, did something in her life happen that would make her upset or is she just projecting her insecurity onto you?

If she’s genuinely upset, then you can talk about what in her life happened. If she’s just being insecure, then you need to shut it off.

She doesn’t want to be in a bad mood. She doesn’t want to be a whiny baby, but if you let her be that around you, she’ll resent you for it.

Here’s an example. A woman fishing for a compliment.

“Do these shorts make me look fat?”

“Am I beautiful?”

I never give a woman a compliment when she fishes for it. That makes her do it even more.

And, more importantly, she doesn’t believe you when you give her the answer. She doesn’t trust you. She knows you’re responding just to make her feel better.

Her fishing for a compliment is actually a subliminal shit test to see if you’re a nice guy or to see if she can trust you.

(The correct response when she fishes for a compliment, is to ask a question back. “What makes you think that?”)

If you brought her flowers every day and compliment her all day, she would be completely dubious whether you really mean it.

Nobody means it that much. You’re doing it just to make her feel better. And she knows it.

Instead if you pick her a daisy once a year and say, “This made me think of you,” it will mean way way more. She knows you’re doing it because you want to do it, not to make her feel better.

I can’t tell you if this woman is truly insecure or depressed. But I can tell you this: you are bringing out her insecurity and depression. You are coaxing that out of her.

You have taught her that being insecure and depressed around you gets attention from you. So she’ll do it even more.

And she’ll hate you for it. She will be very unhappy around you. Nobody is happy when they throw tantrums. And you’ve taught her to communicate with you by throwing tantrums.

You should not be confused about how a woman feels. You shouldn’t even really care how she feels, at least not in practical terms. Look at her actions.

Is she treating you with respect? Then treat her with respect back.

Is she emotionally “dumping” her problems on you? Then get out of the conversation as fast as possible.

Did something bad happen to her and she needs a friend? Then be her friend.

Does she feel bad about herself? Let her deal with it. Let her talk about it if she wants, but stop being her care-taker.

Stop taking responsibility for her feelings, for making her feel better, for changing how she feels or even figuring out how she feels. That’s her job.

It’s her job to communicate to you how she feels.

If she can’t do that when you make an honest effort to listen, then she is purposely obfuscating her feelings to get a reaction out of you, to confuse you and to play on your emotions.

Next time she gets mad at you, let’s say for not replying fast enough on facebook, you can acknowledge that you understand how she feels.

But do not get upset. This is important. Do not feel bad or show her that you feel bad.

Stand strong. Do not apologize. You’ve done nothing wrong. This is only her acting out on your weakness to see if she can get you to capitulate.

Act like a parent who’s kid is throwing a temper tantrum.

Drop the conversation. Walk away. Leave her house, even though it’s 45 minutes away.

Let her stew in her own shit until she comes back to you. You should not accept anyone treating you this way.

When you don’t allow her to act like a child, she’ll respect you for it, even though she may act mad at the time.

You have a long climb out of where you are now.

You’ve taught her to respond to you a certain way and treat you a certain way. The only way back is to pull away your attention when she does these things.

You must be firm and consistent in doing this, like you’d be firm and consistent in training a dog or a child.

You teach people how to treat you, and you have a lot of teaching ahead of you.


posted in Relationships

13 responses
Allen says:

Excellent advice. Don’t be an ass just don’t put up with being mistreated. Wish I had known this when I first started dating my wife.

Anthony says:

Be sure this woman doesn’t have “borderline personality disorder”. If she does, there really isn’t anything you can do to make your situation better other then to leave the relationship. Usually these kinds of girls never get better. They have a tendency to do really bad things and never have any true remorse for it.

loyal says:

Wow thank you for the reply, i never though you would write an article about it. its put alot into perspective. i have given her negative attention and shown her thoes things, time to change! and stand my ground.

loyal says:

What about in regards to things like the way her ex partner has treated her, i seem to have to make the effort to come see her as she will never visit me as she feels like she would get in the way of my plans. i havnt shown any indication of this to her, it seems thats how her past rship was. but nore would she complain to me that i dont come visit. so basically its extreemly rare she asks me to come over, she is happy to see me whenever i want but the initiation of that is completely one sided.

Eric Disco says:

Yeah, that’s a problem right there. One of the big indicators of a woman’s investment and interest is her taking initiative. It starts with the very first time you meet her. Is she taking initiative? I’ll let conversation drop at some point, a minute or two in, to see if she picks it back up again. If she doesn’t, I know she’s not truly interested.

Likewise, once you’re in the relationship, you can gauge her interest by the amount of times she texts or calls, she invites you to hang out, etc. If she never does these things, that indicates a big problem in the relationship.

Someone could make the argument that a super casual relationship where you always take initiative can work. But this is clearly not casual.

By how needy she is, I would say that it’s likely this girl is seeing other people or has some other pre-occupation keeping her from fully investing in you. Otherwise she would take initiative.

You could also say that it’s possible that she’s telling the truth that her “past” relationships are like this. I doubt that. But even it were true, it doesn’t matter. You shouldn’t settle for a girl treating you like that. For me, I don’t care if she treats her grandmother with disrespect, she doesn’t get away with that with me. End of story. You can’t let her get away with that kind of stuff because then you have no true reading on how the relationship is doing. It distorts everything else.


loyal says:

The thing is she doesnt seem disinterested at all. She will msg me most of the day, she hates when i leave her and misses me the whole time i am gone, i believe her feelings are genuine, i dont believe there to be anyone else in her life, when we are together she gives heaps of affection.

she does not have a car or license so i know in that way its hard for her travel but shes done it now and then in the past. and her job requires her to be home alot.

i use to bring it up, but i have given up of late, she hasnt visited my house in months, when we have talked about it she doesnt know why its a big deal who visits who, i do because its always me. is it an idea to not visit on usual days i would and see what comes from that?

obviously i can feel hard done buy if im always taking initiative, it maybe shes scared of me rejecting her, and this has gone on from pretty much the beginning, one year in now and im not sure what to do.

Eric Disco says:

If she has transportation issues, then that may be a legitimate reason why she hasn’t come to see you. The fact that she takes initiative to text you is a good indicator. Still, I would get her to come visit you sometimes.

I would simply invite her to do something in your neighborhood or invite her to come over your place. Don’t take no for an answer. Be willing to drop communication with her for a few days or not see her for a week or two if she says no. See how she responds to that.

Her insecurities are zero excuse for her to act like this with you. It doesn’t matter if her last boyfriend was a dick or was an angel. That has no bearing on how she treats you. She needs to get past her insecurities and you need to challenge her to do that. If you’re not challenging her, she’ll get bored. She may not like it at first, but she’ll love you for it later. If you let her get away with treating you badly under the guise if insecurity, she’ll simply use that excuse more.


loyal says:

Sorry what i ment by past rships was that the story goes he use to always blow her off so she stopped asking him to do things and would wait untill he wanted to see her.

I can understand that but how do i convey the message that im not him and it doesnt have to be that way.

loyal says:

I see what your saying. Transportation is a little bit of an issue because she has to rely on getting a lift, its certainly not impossible as she did it a bit when we 1st started seeing each other.

It was brought up in conversation last night actually. she told me she was sad because she missed me. i said well come and see me then. she then went on saying she sorry because of that sort of thing and again told me she just thinks she would get in my way and i wouldn’t want her there.

I said that i know she feels that way, and she can change it. she said she wants to try so i said good.

Usually i would go visit her tonight (Wed) i wont, maybe it will prompt her to do something about it. give the impression i know how she feels but im not taking up the slack for it in our rship. if she wants to see me then come see me. simple. As you have said its not my problem how she feels.

Eric Disco says:

Awesome, man. Perfect. Words are worthless without backing it up. Hold your ground when you pull away and don’t give in because of anything she says. Wait until there’s a change in her actions.


loyal says:

Okay so this hasnt gone so well.

I did not go see her, i did talk to her briefly in the afternoon, it was short and i told her i would speak to her later.

I dont know why but i just didnt call or anything, i couldnt sleep so i called it was like 1am.. she was pissed off because i hadnt called earlier. we went through the same stuff. i asked why she didnt call? it seems she has alot of insecuritys. her not wanting to stay at mine because she doesnt feel comfortable or doesnt think i want her there. and not being able to call because shes affraid i will be to busy to talk and then she will feel shit. I do have a fairly busy life after work, but its things like gym workout and things. id be happy to talk to her, and if im busy to say id call her a bit later.

She had told me the night before that she feels i dont like her that much and basically shes been depressed lately and not feeling good about her self., so thats why she was upset when i called so late. like i didnt care enough to call earlier, i guess it was true because i wasnt going to because of me trying to take a stand of her not coming to see me. she started talking crazy shit asking if im to busy to even call or am i seeing some one else. when she doesnt even both to call or some see me because of her stuff? wtf

Honestly i feel stuck because i know i should hold my ground but it sorta seems like bad timing.

TomQ says:

It is my belief that the secret to women is something I call “emotion reflection.” It is not your actions and words that count but what you internally feel when you act or speak. In general, women are subconciously very aware of your emotions. You are fucked if you say one thing while feeling something else. My personal believe if that it is a man’s responsibly to take care of a women’s emotional needs. That doesn’t mean being walked on, it means that fundamental to being a man is control over his emotions and to use it to control his womam’s emotions for her happiness and welbeing. The way I see it. men should be like doctors, and women are our mental patients that we treat. :)

Ok, enough abstract. Let’s take the example of the old “Do you think I am beautiful?”

The typical response is “yeah” but on the inside you are either avoiding her question, or worried that she starting shit. She reads this as you are disingenuos. And she is right because that is exactly what you are, because your appeasing remarks are not emotional genuine. The result is she does trust your opinion and she feels less attractive, which make for a further insecure woman.

The correct emotional response to “I am insecure about my physical appearence” from a man is let yourself become emotional turned on by her body. Transmiting emotional arrousal to her is the prescribed antedote to her insecurity and if used right is like a drug to her which can be used to control her behavior.

Let me walk you though how I handled this question recently. My lady comes into my office and asks the question. I immediately pick up the whininess in her voice and feel her anxiety. My internal reaction is annoyance, but I check my self and force myself to drop everything and give her full attention.

This is important because it establishs crediblity for what I am going to do to her mind. Remember she is a sick person on the inside and I am the doctor going to cure her. I dont respond to her question instead I study her. She goes to speak and I raise my hand signaling to wait.

Now I been with my girl quite some time so I know all her flaws, but I instead focus of her attributes that I find most appealing and let myself indulge in self induced eroticism while she waits trying to figure out what the hell I am doing. Now on the outside I am keep the apprearance of critical judgment, but on the inside I am increasingly feelling and projecting lust. For theatrics, I tell her to turn around cause I want to inspect how her pants fit, drawing her further in.

I give her some inane advice on her color or her shirt or selection of shoe. It really doesn’t make a difference what you say, what matter is that she see you staring at her like a piece of meat and are getting aroused, and she feels like she still got it.

At this point, I own her. If I want to play with her a little bit. I can recommend that she change her hair, unbutton a button on her blouse. Or take it up a level, by asking her to come closer under the guise of inspecting her further and then physically acting out my passion by reaching for her. If she go with it great, if she breaks away that is fine too.

Because, either way she feels desired and beautiful and I cure her insecurity. And I know that if one hold the power to make a woman feel secure, you own her.

Now I have some advice for Loyal’s delima of the insure girlfriend who wants you to prove yourself by waiting on her. But I leave that for another post.

equilibrium says:

Dude,I dont know about you, but if i was in your situation I’d take some time off with this girl.From what i read, she has insecurity written all over her and definitely needs to change her mindset from being a girl who assumes too much to someone who understands that you have a life and that your world can’t constantly revolve around her.If i was in your shoes I’d tell her that her behavior is not acceptable and that its putting the relationship into question. I’d tell her that i need to take some time off to think about where things are going and that she should too. Dont talk to her for a couple of days which may make her smarten up and realize she may lose you causing her to alter her behavior and the way she treats you. If that fails, i’d find a new girl cause it seems this one is stressing you out and not making you happy. Good luck bud.