You Feel Bad Because You Let Her Treat You Badly

by Eric Disco
Apr 14

“I feel terrible,” my client tells me.

“I’ve been doing my affirmations, and they’re helping. But I can’t stop thinking about her.”

And then he admits to me: he’s been in contact with his nemesis again.

He was seeing her briefly.

But she told him that she wants to be ‘friends with benefits’ and then that she needs space.

Now he can’t get her to meet up with him.

He relays to me the interactions he’s had with her in the last two weeks.

It’s really true what they say: Love is blind.

My client has a lot of experience with women. He meets women every week. But because he’s so into this girl, he can’t see how needy he’s being.

I see guys doing this kind of stuff all the time:

  • They ask a question over text. She doesn’t respond. So he sends another text the next day just to make sure everything is okay.
  • She cancels a date on him without suggesting another time. And he asks her out again.
  • She returns his texts but whenever he suggests meeting up, she’s busy. So he keeps taking initiative to text her.
  • She’s not responsive to some of his texts, but when she decides to send him a text message, he always responds.
  • He sends her a text asking her out. She doesn’t respond, so he gives her a call on the phone.
  • She goes out on multiple ‘dates’ with him, but doesn’t hook up. Or doesn’t let him get past kissing. Still, he invites her on more dates.

In any of these scenarios, it logically wouldn’t hurt to give her another chance.

Send another text.

Give her a call on the phone if she doesn’t return a text.

Take her out on one more date to see if that’s the date when she feels comfortable enough to hook up with you.

What do you have to lose? If she says no or isn’t responsive, who cares?

Sure, once in a while sending her repeated texts will eventually win her over. There’s something to be said for commitment.

The problem is that it is almost impossible to not get invested in a girl.

We all like to think that our feelings are not out of control. After all, you don’t really even know this girl too well.

But the truth is…

The more you text her, call her, invite her out, without any reciprocal investment on her part, the worse you feel.

The more times it happens, the more you send her a very clear message: it’s okay to treat me like shit.

And every time you send her that message, you feel worse about yourself.

The solution is to never put yourself in that position in the first place.

If you’re about to do something where a lack of investment from her could leave you hurt or angry, don’t do it.

  • Don’t just send a date invitation over text out of the blue. First check in with her by asking how she is, making small talk, or being flirty.
  • Try to avoid asking too many questions over text. The longer she takes to respond to a question, the worse you’ll feel.
  • If she’s not getting sexual by the third date, suggest that she come over to your place for the next date. If she won’t, then don’t meet up with her.
  • If she’s willing to return texts but says she is too ‘busy’ to meet up with you, tell her, “Say hi when you’re less busy.”
  • If she postpones or cancels two dates in a row, be willing to stop talking to her.
  • If you’re always the one to text her first, let her take initiative to text you first. Let her invite you out on a date.
  • If she doesn’t respond to a text, don’t let her get away with it. It may mean never speaking to her again. Or it may mean doing something like that back to her next time she texts you.

Letting a woman treat you badly comes across as needy. The less you let women do it, the better you’ll feel. The better you feel, the better your game will be.

It’s possible you might lose this woman, but if she’s acting badly, you’ve probably already lost her anyway.

Think about your life in the big picture:

You teach people how to treat you. The less shit you tolerate, the less shit people give you. They start to sense how much you will tolerate.

And if you teach her that it’s okay to treat you badly, she’ll keep doing it. And when she does, you’ll feel bad about yourself.

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posted in Relationships

COMMENTS
27 responses
Alex_B says:

Do you ever call it out when girl is flakey? I know it’s best to just ignore it and leave her alone but is there ever a time to call some of her behavior out? Even in a joking manner.

Great post btw

Eric Disco says:

If you did call it out, you might want to be flip about it and text her back something like “Flakey McFlakester.”

But even then, you are almost always better off pulling away.

Eric

KL says:

“It’s possible you might lose this woman, but if she’s acting badly, you’ve probably already lost her anyway.”

Or you never had her in the first place.

You just can’t win them all. Gotta churn and burn, churn and burn. There’s way too many women out there to get tied down with one who isn’t giving you what you want.

This all goes back to scarcity mentality vs. abundance mentality. We have to remember that as good as this girl is, there is always another one just as good if not better somewhere out there.

Eric Disco says:

“Or you never had her in the first place.”

Agreed, this is usually what it is. However, you can turn a woman off by being too needy. Done it plenty of times myself. Live and learn.

Eric

parisianon says:

You can say that again. Your posts on these themes always feel like I’m reading my personal Inconvenient Truth documentary (and it comes with the logical answers, which I appreciate)

MrAntiquity says:

good lord…that top image has to be the kinkiest picture ever on this site…

I hate when an octopus has better game than I…

gumshoe says:

Blegh. I’ve been there before, dude and fuck that entire town. At least now that someone very clearly delineated the needy behavior I can catch myself and avoid falling in this pit. Its entirely true that you do it to yourself. Luckily though I can start teaching myself to grow more independentally

Chrys says:

I love the pikachu image . Nice post Eric . Keep up the good work.

Eric Disco says:

Thanks for the feedback, Chrys. Appreciate it.

Eric

Swoop says:

I love how these always seem to be exactly what I need to keep me going, or to realize why a supposedly great first date didn’t turn into a second.

Thanks a million, Eric

DA MAN says:

If one DOES finally get rid of a rude and disrespectful girl,then why not just give her a Farswell pimpslap,like I do so she can have something to remember me by.

Eric Disco says:

I generally do not do this kind of thing. Here’s why.

Sometimes anger is called for. In rare instances, it’s okay to get angry. But these instances are well-confined within the space of relationships and not casual dating. And even then, I would rarely, rarely ever get angry at a woman. You don’t need to. Almost everything can be managed by communicating to her what you want by rewarding her at times and pulling away at others.

In casual dating or when you first meet a woman, if she flakes on you, to text her something angry or hurtful will not usually have it’s intended effect. She won’t be hurt or feel bad. She’ll think to herself, “This guy is a loser. I’m glad I didn’t go out with him.”

Let’s take an extreme case. Let’s say she agreed to meet you for a drink and you went to the bar and she totally flaked on you. Didn’t even say she couldn’t make it. Yeah, in that case, you might be justified in an annoyed quip. But even then, most likely, you misread the situation and her interest.

You can avoid something like this by texting her something random earlier that day to make sure she shows up. Ask her if she knows how to get to the place. If she can’t make it, she will almost always say so. I can’t remember ever having a girl just not show up on a date.

So it still follows the rule that if you are going to do something that puts you in a position to get hurt or angry, then you were probably being needy in some way. There’s no reason to put yourself in that position.

The worst way you can “pimp slap” a girl is to take your attention away from her. Shut the door 100% with no explanation and no warning. That will make her feel worse than anything. And if it doesn’t make her feel bad, then your angry words probably wouldn’t have much affect on her anyway.

And if you did send her some angry words, you would feel even worse. By doing this, you are admitting to her–and the world–that she got under your skin. She got the better of you. Instead, if you practice taking away your attention from women when they misbehave, you are demonstrating–to yourself and the world–that you are the prize.

Eric

GlennP says:

If I was texting a girl and getting these types of responses from her I would get EVIL on her. She obviously still hasn’t let go fully or she wouldn’t have gotten back with him on some level but because of his needy habits she has retreated with all of the power in her hands… Frame reversal needs to happen.

First- I would stop texting her and when I did text I would text her in a completely different way than she is used to. Women are masters at noticing and figuring out a guys text habits, i.e. When he texts, what time he texts, how he texts, what he texts and so on… You need to text her while breaking all of your old habits. This will confuse her and women HATE to be confused.

Second- Here’s where I get EVIL on her ass! I would send her a “wrong text”! This is a text that is very sexually suggestive but obviously not intended for her! This will get her mind racing and she will start feeling she has lost him to someone else. You will destroy her pussy power. P.P. I’m trademarking that term!

Third- I would start being extremely aloof and start saying things like… Hey.. I know you wanna get together but I’ve been busy. I promise soon! or when she texts me I would wait a FULL day and respond with… “Hey… Just getting this text. Everything ok?” and not responding to anything she has said in her previous text to me.

You can win it all back with some fancy text work! But STOP BEING NEEDY!!! Neediness is death!

GlennP

Lee says:

@GlennP

Awesome. I also use the “wrong text” ploy.

–Lee

Eric Disco says:

Bishop to Queen’s Knight 3

Eric Disco says:

Sorry, that was meant for someone else.

Eric

Edwin says:

I am curious how you work this after she responds. Also, can this work with an old fling that I havent talked to in several months?

GlennP says:

@Lee
Great minds think alike!

DA MAN says:

You don’t understand. By the time I am driven to hit I no longer care what she thinks of me I just wanna hurt her…badly.

JonathanA says:

@DA MAN

Dude, I think you are the one who doesn’t understand.
Violence always comes from a point of powerlessness. Slapping her face conveys two messages. One is that even though you’re barely acquainted, she managed to hurt you somehow and you care. And second , you seem to feel so helpless, that you obviously have no better answer than violence. Now, that’s weak!

If I may give you an advice, I’d say: work on your seelf-esteem.

phillip says:

Eric, i´m quite the same guy u descibed on the top :-)
but i had this girl, the first time about 1,5 month everything was quite perfect. there was just one thing i always ignored. from time to time she said i don´t want a boyfriend and i don´t want to hurt u.
i ignored it because i think and i still think she fell in love a little bitte the first time but then she blocked because she realised that.
after awesome first 1,5 months she startet to gent strange and i acted like a nerd!
well after 3 weeks in miami(the first 2 weeks she didn´t really contact me, the last week 5 times, also from her cellphone btw. i´m from europe)
well, when she came back she called me the first day and the next day we met and she went to a event with me. after a few hours she asked me if we can be “just good friends” i was shocked because i couldn´t estimate that.
next morning…. sms: she is sorry about last night blabla; but i don´t know if she´s sorry about going home early or the things she said

now i´m acting like i normal do “no contact”
after a week she invited me to a party wich is in july. a party from her, her brother and her parents.
i still didn´t answer her

should i go?
should i answer her?
what can i do?

because i want her to crawl back and realise that she did the fucking biggest mistake to let me go!!!!

Eric Disco says:

Hi Phillip,

The party is two months off. This is not an invitation from a girl who is longing to see you. It’s an invitation from someone who sees you very squarely in the friend zone.

You’re at a very bad stage with this girl. You have feelings for her but you’re not sleeping with her. You could try using tactics, but no matter what you say and do at this point will come across as needy.

Take a long break from this girl. Disappear. Don’t respond to this invitation or any other texts she’s sent. That’s the best way to let her know she’s lost you.

Along with The Cure for One-itis: Disappear, read How to Prevent Oneitis and Lies We Tell Ourselves in Bad Relationships.

Eric

phillip says:

no no the first time everthing was like a realtionship we also had sex a lot of sex! that´s why i ignored her “i don´t want a boyfriend” stuff. but suddenly everthing went the wrong direction!
and i think there´s still something between us but she blocks!!!
she also crawled back after conflicts in the disko when i went home (but unfortunatly i was too weak to close the door and say no!)
there´ve been many situations and actions which told me i´m more then just a friend with benefits!

i´m just posting here because i´ve never been in a situation like this! me, my friends, her best girlfriend nobody understands why she acts like this.
this is also the reason i couldn´t letting go her earlier!

your answer is the same right now? :D

i think about going to the party a flirt every possible girl. stay friendly with her but not more!
but i´m not sure :D

i hope i get another answer
thx
phil

Mark says:

Dude, you may have been in “like a relationship” and had sex many times, but that doesn’t change the interest that she’s showing you now. Women like casual sex just as much as men, so that doesn’t mean she’s in love with you. But women also enjoy “casual” emotional interactions, which men often mistake for something serious. She was most likely using you as her sexual and emotional safety net. Assuming she’s just “blocking” her true emotions for you is your denial talking. She straight out told you she doesn’t want a boyfriend, that’s your cue to pull back and see if she’s bluffing. If not, good riddance.

Cameron says:

I know I’m a bit late to the party but I love the sentence:

“And then he admits to me: he’s been in contact with his nemesis again.”

I can totally empathise with having a girl who is your nemisis, who drains all your power away and leaves you needy. It sucks.

Break the cycle guys!

love

C

DA MAN says:

Ok. But you have experienced different types of females from what i have experienced. Ethnicity differences should be taken into account. Try putting up with a spoiled and fawned over NYC latina.

Jim says:

Thanks for the post. I’m pretty much clueless with women and have done everything listed step by step making it worse and worse with each call or text. People always said, “don’t be too available” or “let her miss you” but I never quite “got it”. Thanks to your post I finally understand and think things will be much different for me from now on. Sure, I’ll slip up but now at least I’ll know what I did to screw up.

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