Some of you on this site have asked me to break down a good interaction.
Some time ago, Eric and I were at a rooftop bar, a place with a particularly stunning view.
Next to us are three women (later joined by one more).
One of the women has her back to me, but I see her when she came in.
She is tall and smoking hot, wearing a beautiful dress.
I am 45. She is 25, as I will find out later.
I don’t like to open conversation with women who are not looking at me.Â But this woman just won’t turn towards me.
I get my chance when she starts to put her hair up in a knot.
When women are that hot, it’s ok to open with something negative.
The Negative Opener
Me: “Get your hair out of my face, sister.”
She: (Steps to my side) “Oh. I am sorry.”
Me: (Ignoring her and pointing at the incredible skyline she just revealed by stepping out of my way) “Look at that. That is fucking gorgeous. This city is my one true love and no woman will ever replace her.”
She laughs. I laugh. Her girlfriends are playing with my skull bracelet (I like to wear stuff that gets women’ attention).
The hot woman and I start talking.
Refusing To Follow the Hot Girl Script
I am not playing along with the hot girl script. I am not giving her the validation she expects.
I’m not telling her how smart she is, how accomplished she is. I’m doing things that show she still has to work for it.
A few times, she tries to reign me in.
For example, I do this thing where I let my eyes wander while we’re talking. Only when I want to reward her do I give her brief but intense eye contact.
She is totally unaccustomed to this lack of attention.
At one point, she snaps her fingers in front of my nose and says “Hey! My eyes are right here.”
I stretch my arm out to present the beautiful city. “Look! Look at all you have to compete with. You’re going to have to work for that attention,” I say.
We laugh. There’s a little tension, but it’s the good kind.
She’s not sure whether I’m not interested or interested but deliberately fucking with her head.
Five minutes into the conversation, her friend shows up, another hot girl.
My girl says hello and introduces me. I compliment the new woman on her outfit, then:
Me: “Ok, you have to talk to your friend. I also have a friend here and I am going to go catch up with him.”
Her: “You don’t have to.”
Me: “I have to. It’s called friendship.”
Her: “I might not be here when you get back.”
Me: “That’s a chance I’m going to have to take. Remember this word, friendship.”
I smile and give her a hug, then walk away.
I go sit with Eric on one of the couches. We talk for a while.
The woman makes sure to stay in my field of vision the whole time.
I ignore her.
Finally, she and her friends sit right near us. I tell her to switch seats with her friend so she can be next to me.
I also tell Eric to go sit next to the hot friend. By arranging everyone this way, I create the illusion that I am in charge.
Looking For Big Indicator of Interest
I spend another ten minutes chatting with her, and sometimes with her pals.
Eric is winging but is now hitting on the hottie friend, so I feel no pressure at all.
This time, my woman excuses herself to go to the bathroom with her friend.
When she comes back, her hair is down again, looking super sexy.
Big indication of interest.
We talk some more. I’m at peak energy in this interaction. What should I do?
At peak energy, there are only two places to go: 1) the bedroom, or 2) lower energy.
She’s with friends, one of whom she hasn’t seen in a while.
Even if all I wanted was a hookup – which I don’t – the logistics are bad.
I’d have to abandon my friend, a demonstration of lower value. She’d have to abandon her friends who all want to stay out.
It’s not a good plan.
Instead, I’m going to take this opportunity to do the one thing she least expects. I leave.
I stand up and motion for her to stand up. I hug her and whisper in her ear:
Her: “What? Why?”
Me: “Gotta get up early. I’m an old man. I need plenty of sleep.”
Her: “Oh you suck.”
Me: “Hey, you’ve heard of this thing… (pause) The Internet?”
I do my funny card close (previously posted somewhere on this site).
She plays along, but she’s not taking my card.
She’s fumbling in her purse for her own card. It’s a business card so she runs off to ask the bartender for a pen to write her personal cell phone.
I hug her and kiss her on the cheek. She goes in for a kiss, but I deliberately pull my head back just enough to deny her contact.
We both crack up and she shakes her head and smiles.
I guarantee all of you that that has never, ever happened to that woman before or since.
The Text Game
The text game is easy because I’ve done all of the work up front. I took all of my chances in the first ten minutes.
There is little left to do.
This texting is way more than I like to do, but it still manages to set the right tone.
One day later, I text her, but without my name. So she doesn’t know who sent the text:
Me: “the adventure begins”
Her: “And so it does ;)”
Me: “brave of you to respond like that to a number you didn’t recognize. :-) but that is the impression i got of you, fearless”
Her: “Well I don’t always go around and have conversations like that with people.”
Me: “we actually didn’t say much to each other but there were definitely some electrons exchanged”
Her: “Yes, there were definitely some electrons exchanged. Maybe some protons too…”
Me: “ha! well that was the easy part. now we have to figure out whether we actually get along. ever been to pegu?”
Me: “houston, just east of west broadway. great cocktails. quiet. a good place to kill an hour talking about the examined life”
Her: “Sounds cool. I leave to go visit family and friends in Philadelphia Saturday. What is your work schedule like? I work from home so I’m pretty flexible and can even meet during the day.”
Me: “i am the master of the universe. i laugh at schedules. i will write back with a good time. be patient and don’t flirt with other boys”
Me: (Next day, 10 hours later) “tomorrow’s no good. i box on fridays so i will have a big red swollen nose. and then you’re gone. so today at 6 or monday at 6. i will be bringing a hurricane of charm. will your levees hold up?”
Her: “Monday at 6 works better; my gf is still here now. I have been told that I am pretty charming myself. Is Pegu big enough to hold the two of us?”
Me: “i’ll have to leave my ego outside. mon @ 6. epiphanies shall rain from the heavens!”
Some important things to note about this text thread:
1. I text her without my name so she doesn’t know who is texting her. She responds anyway so it’s on.
2. I tell her there was chemistry (pull), but then I take it away by saying that now comes the hard part – we have to figure out whether we actually get along (push).
3. I never actually ask her out. I just tell her I know a good place. She says she’s available any time. That’s the kind of motivation I like!
4. I tell her up front the date will be short – an hour. Most men want more time. I am the prize. I want less time.
5. I tell her to wait for me to suggest a time. It’s bullshit. I knew when I was available, but the waiting builds tension, so I don’t text back until the next morning.