She's a Black Belt at Putting Guys in Friend Zone

by Eric Disco
Mar 1

It’s our first date. We’re sitting next to each other on a couch in a bar.

She’s turned, facing me. Showing interest. I’m faced outward toward the bar.

She’s amazingly cute. A yoga girl.

We’re talking, getting to know each other. I’m teasing her here and there.

This girl knows how to talk. She knows herself.? And she has a lot to share.

She’s actually a really cool girl. With ambitions.

As we talk, I start to realize: I could actually like this girl. It’s not just a physical attraction. I could actually see myself being friends with this girl.

This is dangerous territory. Not because I like her as a person. No, that’s great.

But the more I talk to her, the more I can tell: She’s a black belt at putting guys into friend zone.

She’s talking about a new record player she got. She didn’t know how to hook it up and didn’t realize she needed an amp, so her DJ friend came over, gave her an amp he “happened to find” and hooked it up for her.

And this is the second hint she’s made to guy `friends’ doing things for her.

As usual, I transition into talk about sex.

She throws out a karate chop.

“I’m weird. I normally hang out with guys for like a year and then all of a sudden we start to get sexual,” she says. “I’m not too comfortable with the whole dating thing where you hook up so fast.”

See? says the nice guy inside me. This girl likes to take it slow. Don’t escalate too hard. Just be friendly with her and get to know her before getting sexual.

I take the back of my hand and slap the nice guy inside me.

When you start to like a girl, it’s so easy to think that this girl is different than all the other girls, that you should take it slow with her.

You think maybe you should try to be friends with her, play it as cool as possible and not get sexual.

But one of the worst positions a guy can get himself into is having feelings for a girl before he gets sexual with her.

It’s hard enough to take that risk and escalate when you’re attracted to a girl.

But wait until you’re in love with her and its game over. You’ll be playing it safer than a tube sock.

After plenty of times kicking myself after dates where I didn’t escalate, I realized that no matter what, you can’t slow down your game because the girl is ‘different’:

Because she’s hotter, nicer or `hangs out with guys for a year before getting sexual.’

Women will throw out all sorts of verbiage to throw you off your game. But you can’t listen to her words, you have to watch her actions.

You have to keep going and play your usual game. That’s the only game you have.

So I start to escalate with this girl. By the end of the date, we’re all over each other.


posted in Sex and Escalation

27 responses
KL says:

Excellent and important topic. Very timely for me. I’ve been on a number of dates recently and thinking about the right amount of physical escalation.

In general I’ve gotten better at not putting much credence in her words. I also might talk generally about sex, but I don’t really inquire as to her relationship “philosophy.” I find it’s better to let her bring it up.

I did have a good first date with this pretty girl last week, with plenty of physical contact. But then I never heard from her again. Pretty frustrating.

I’m trying to find the right balance between escalating physically and not being too aggressive.

Eric Disco says:

I’m trying to find the right balance between escalating physically and not being too aggressive.

You’re probably more experienced than most guys, but in general, guys need to be more aggressive. And I include myself here. It’s actually a lot tougher to scare away a girl than you think. Plus, you learn more when you’re more aggressive. If something doesn’t work, you know. When you play it safe, you end up not learning how to make the right moves.


Drew says:

I tend to escalate pretty fast so I usually don’t end up in the friend zone. But recently it happened pretty much the day after we first hooked up. What about that situation?

Eric Disco says:

Hi Drew,

That’s probably not because you escalated so much. There is usually some other reason why she is responsive after hooking up.


`hangs out with guys for a year before getting sexual’ is a big shit test. Trust me, as a guy who used to be too nervous to make any moves, I also would hang out with chicks for months/years before trying to turn things sexual, and it never works. Sure, she may have messed around with a guy that she had been friends with for a year, and that one experience gets turned into a generalization about how she always operates. This is also anti-slut defense at work. Take everything a woman says with a HUGE grain of salt. They are the worst exaggerators and whole-cloth fabricators.

Eric Disco says:

And what’s funny is they usually believe what they’re saying. That’s what makes it so convincing.


Cameron says:


“hangs out with guys for a year before getting sexual”

when she said this she was flirting with Eric, she wanted to find out if he could see through her inauthenticity, it wasn’t that she had a secret plan to reject Eric, it was that she had an understandable desire to be with a man who was able to hear what she meant (not what she said) and go powerfully after what he wanted.

Obviously Eric was that man.

Eric Disco says:

Thanks, Cameron. Going for what you want is key. If she’s still there, you gotta keep escalating.


Moment says:

I don’t know about whole-cloth fabrication, but I do believe strongly that women operate on two different levels simultaneously. The outer level is where things are spoken, and therefore “real”, and subject to all the usual female fears about disgrace, negative social consequences etc. The inner level is the fabled “grey area”, of fantasy and emotion.

That’s why women will do things “in the moment” that they told you five minutes ago they would never do – if they don’t say it, it’s not real, and there are no consequences. Learning to ignore what women *say* they want and pay attention to what their body is saying was a big breakthrough for me – and equally I think we’ve all be in that terrible situation where we pushed her to say out loud what she wants and what she’ll do, and been shut down – we forced her to bring a safe, secret fantasy out into the scary world of consequences and social pressure.

GlennP says:

Yeah right… “Hangs out with a guy for year before getting sexual”… What a joke and what a way to test a mans reaction!

I’m not sure if she’s a master at putting guys into the friend zone because I wasn’t there but I do trust Eric’s assumptions! But what I do know is, ANY woman that says shit like this to guys to throw them off and test the size of their balls has got to have some game and more than ample sexual options! i.e. lots of guys she could be fucking.

Whenever I get a chick like this, I’m like YES!!!! I know exactly how to fuck these girls and make them into little lust slaves (which is really what they want anyway)!

I wish Eric would share with us what he said to her when she said that, if anything.

I would have said:

Oh yeah! Well, I usually have three fingers in a woman by now.
Wow… You must be really good at blow-jobs!


“Oh yeah! Well, I usually have three fingers in a woman by now.
Wow… You must be really good at blow-jobs!”

LOL these are great.

Eric Disco says:

Excellent. These are great. Glenn is the master sexual escalator.


GlennP says:

Regardless of experience, I would just like to say that Eric has an insight into situations that I truly admire.

Funny, but if I was out with this girl I never would have come to the conclusion that she is great at putting guys into the friendzone to
better serve her selfish needs. His observation about her guy friend who is helping her out is awesome!


HelpMeEric says:

What advice would you have for someone who doesn’t have his own place and is dating a girl who doesn’t have her own place either? What about escalating in public? Are girls okay comfortable with being kissed in public.

Eric Disco says:

Yes, absolutely. You can escalate in public. I do it all the time. Kissing a girl in a bar isn’t such a big deal. Going beyond that starts to get a bit trickier, but it can be done.


Pradeep says:

Hey Eric

Thanks for sharing that….been in that sorry situation many times…..just curious, how did you escalate after that ( I believe Glenn P made a similar request up there in the thread somewhere ) ? Did you just ignore her comment or what …….

Thanks !

Eric Disco says:

Yeah, I pretty much just ignored her comment. I do a lot of physical escalation. I use excuses to touch her. Lately I’ve been dragging it out just for effect. I’ll look at her rings and ask her about them. I’ll ask her about her nail polish. And then, I just start to touch her fingers. Eventually I’m holding her hand. From there I keep escalating.


Alex_B says:

@ Eric I’ve heard that as long as she’s letting you touch her then she probably doesn’t have a problem with it. But I’m curious what if she’s not really touching you back? Does that effect how much you temper your escalation?I’ve stopped trying to look for body language “clues” because it easily becomes an excuse for inaction but sometimes when i’m punctuating conversation with touches I’ll notice that shes not necessarily pulling away or becoming verbally distant but sometimes she not touching back or reciprocating like girls tend to do when they are really into you.

How do you handle that, if at all?

Eric Disco says:

Hey Alex,

If she’s not letting you touch her, that doesn’t mean that things are over. It means that you need to raise her interest level more, usually by messing more with her. You keep going and test the waters again. Wash, rinse, repeat.

After a while though, if she’s not allowing any physical contact in the interaction, even in a friendly manner, then it might be time to call it quits with this girl. How much she lets you touch her is the most important sign of interest/disinterest.


Alex_B says:

Oh no I meant when she IS allowing you to touch her but she is not really reciprocating. Does it just vary between girls how touchy they will be? Or is all that matters that she lets YOU touch her without stopping you or pulling away?

Thanks to the stuff I’ve learned here I’ve noticed that alot of girls will let you get alot further with touching them then I previously thought.

Eric Disco says:

For the most part, if she’s not stopping you, then she’s receptive. In fact, at first, you’re going to have to make the move and then if she’s willing, she’ll let you. It’s been said that women tend to get receptive rather than aggressive.

However, after a certain point, she should be reciprocating. It’s just plain weird if she isn’t. And she should be taking some initiative as well, not just sexually, but in the relationship. If she’s not at all, then that’s a problem.


Alex_B says:

thanks alot Eric, that really cleared things up. I think I may have just been lucky enough to keep meeting that 1% who are more aggressive than receptive. So I associated that as the only way to know shes interested.

JasFilie says:

Hi Eric,

Although I totally agree that escalating quickly is key to making it work with a girl, I read this article ( about a study which stated that waiting with sex actually improves the relationship later on. Both sexually and verbally. I honestly have no idea how to not escalate when I want something because that’s what my gut tells me to do. But when I eventually have had sex with the girl, I realize that we haven’t really established a way to communicate properly. Other than the communication leading up to sex, that is. It doesn’t matter if it’s a really awesome chick or not. It feels like the only way to keep her interested is to always keep sexual tension in every conversation.
Maybe that’s why the study suggests that waiting with sex improves the relationship afterwards. That way you both know there is more than just sex.
I hope you understood the rambling, but if not please say so.


JasFilie says:

And next to my personal issue with escalating quickly, how would you explain the results of this study? Very eager to hear your opinion.

Eric Disco says:

This is an interesting study. I like it. Here’s my interpretation. Most people have a hard time differentiating between sexual attration and true compatibility. The sex can create a bond that simply wouldn’t be there otherwise. Would you be friends with this person if you couldn’t have sex? If not, you probably don’t wamt to marry this girl. But a lot of people stay together regardless.

Celibacy is one way to ensure you aren’t making this decision based on sex. And it probably works for some people. But I don’t think it would solve your problem.


Jasfilie says:

Nice I like it. I can work with that. Thanks!

Socialkenny says:

Lmao that HB had some serious blockage for any meaningful progression forward lol.

And great point about women intentionally fucking up your Game.Guys need to understand that it’s her job to throw you off your Game:no matter how much she might’ve liked you.Great point Disco.