The Cure for One-itis: Disappear
by 
Eric Disco
A few years ago I started seeing a girl. I was into things with her, but she was much more into things with me.
She played it cool, still taking initiative with me, still inviting me out for things. We even went on a small vacation together.
She implied that she wanted to be exclusive with me, to be my girlfriend, but I wasn’t quite feeling it at the time.
A large part of that was because I was dating other women.
She did her best to make me slightly jealous. She would talk about how other guys hit on her, etc. But it didn’t really affect me too much.
Then, at one point, she disappeared.
Well, sort of. She told me where she was going.
She went to South America for a month on business. She said, “I’ll talk to you when I get back.” She totally dropped contact with me, even though we’d been talking a few times a week.
After a week or two, it started to drive me crazy. I couldn’t stop thinking about her. I almost became obsessed with her–or at least had those feelings.
The memory of her burned like a fire, reminding me moment after moment that she wasn’t with me.
There were things about her that I logically wasn’t into, and some things I really was into.
But logic paled in comparison to how I felt. All I wanted was to get her back.
Eventually she returned four weeks later. We started talking again. But I was a mess. I could hardly go a day without talking to her.
Her disappearance actually worked a little too well.
A week or two later, I ended it because I knew I was in a much too subservient position in the relationship for me to carry on.
When you’re in love but you know she doesn’t feel the way you do, your best option is to stop talking to her for a period of time.
Take a few weeks with absolutely no contact.
Trying to change how she feels will not change the situation.
The problem here is how you feel.
There are all kinds of tactics you can use to turn the tide of the relationship. I discuss a lot of them here.
But if you do not have the emotional strength to consistently follow-through with those tactics, the effect will be minimal.
If you are already in love with her, you will inevitably betray your weakness through other reliable mechanisms.
It will leak out in your body language. It will come out in your tone of voice and how you look at her.
There is nothing more powerful you can do than to walk away from her.
Firstly–and most importantly–this will have a profound effect on you. Separating yourself changes your emotional state.
By taking some time away, it allows you to clear your head and become stronger.
You start to get over her. You start to become emotionally independent. You feel more inclined to meet other women.
Secondly, it has a cataclysmic affect on her.
If you’ve been talking with each other regularly and she has any feelings for you, your disappearance will burn a hole into her soul like a magnifying glass in the sun.
Does this guarantee that she will become emotionally involved with you when you do this?
No. It absolutely does not.
But she knows this. She knows that you are taking a gamble and are willing to lose her permanently.
And that’s why it works.
Demonstrating that you can walk away from her is no small feat. In fact, it is the foundation for a healthy relationship.
In a healthy relationship, you demonstrate strength and independence in small ways, over and over again. And that makes you emotionally attractive.
Use any excuse you need to. Tell her you’re taking a trip and you’ll talk to her when you get back. Tell her you’ve started a new meditation technique.
The excuse almost doesn’t matter. The physical separation is what is cataclysmic to her. When you return, you will find a completely different person.
And so will she.
This may be the last advice in the world you want to hear. And in many ways, you know that means it’s the right advice.
If you are truly ready to be free from the shackles of a bad situation, then step away.
Posted in Relationships | 
20 Comments »
Ive done this. Good post.
I fell for a girl, told her, she didn’t recipricate, left her in the morning no warning, she texted me frantically. Then I emotionally opened up to her weeks later.. which made me feel weak.
I like emotional connection as much as the next guy, but once I notice it has become an addiction, I usually break rapport, see what happens. Its scary, but its real
Cheers.
Good reminder, Eric. Timely, too – one year ago today, I was dumped by a woman I was madly in love with, but she wasn’t. We’d been seriously dating for a few months, definitely not casually enough as you explained in a few articles.
After the winter holiday break, she dropped our permanent contact down to a thin trickle of cold, sterile pings and that was, indeed, incredibly maddening. After a couple weeks, I did what nobody should do – turn into a wussy and pour my heart out, which was the last straw.
This situation created a one-itis that took me the better part of a year to get under control.
This experience and your other posts on the subject of making oneself wanted / walking away really helped drive the point home, so I gotta thank you for pointing that out once more from a slighly different angle.
It is counterintuitive, but disappearing REALLY helps. Just don’t forget to NOT turn into a wuss when you get back in touch.
this is true. i stepped away for almost two months from this girl i really liked. she texted throughout but i barely ever txted back, i wanted her out of my head. anyways we met up last week and i had no feelings for her, it was great. thing is she was trying super hard to get me to like her again, she even got me a gift cause she hadnt seen me in so long. but i dont want her anymore anyways, moved on. grass is greener :D
Very Impressive post Eric! And nice to see you being able to be vulnerable and show extreme humility in such a public forum!
I remember alot of things you were saying in your post. I think I even remember her name! But not going to share it here!
It was still brave to walk despite your emotions.
GlennP
I like it :D
Amazing , motivating post.. You work your feelings …. Awesome Eric .
I just went through something like this; A girl that I had not talked to in over a year and decided to reopen. It eventually got to the point that it was plain to see that she didn’t want me the same way that I wanted her, in fact, she was content to try playing the good old mind games on me. I finally decided to call it out and move on. It was the best thing I could have done for myself. You can’t be afraid to walk away.
Eric, by ‘disappear’, do you mean -
- not responding to ALL texts / calls / emails
- not sending even a birthday greeting by text
Beautiful article; Just reading it a few times gives me will power to want to go through with this.
@RK
One comment with respect to this article. Eric talks about disappearing for a few weeks from a sexual relationship. Meaning, the dynamic might be wrong, but there is plenty of attraction on both sides. It takes a much longer disappearance if the relationship is not sexual. In other words, if you want to try to ignite a romance that was never physical, you will have to disappear for much longer than a couple of weeks, long enough for it to be plausible that you are coming back to a woman as a completely changed man.
–Lee
Rather than telling her it’s because of something she did, you’re better off implying that it’s something you want to do.
If you outright told her that it’s because she’s not giving you enough, that takes away some of its power. It’s better if she thinks that maybe you:
- met someone else
- got bored with her
- simply moved on
These thoughts will open up in her mind regardless of what you tell her. But giving her less is what does this.
Eric
Hi RK,
Not responding to texts / calls / e-mails is *the* crucial component to this. That includes birthday greetings.
What you’re doing is basically saying, “I’m taking off. I’ll text you in a few weeks.” Make sure that the ball is in your court.
If she does text you, you can respond but make it with as little engagement as possible. “Super busy. Let’s talk later.” And then don’t text her for a few weeks. If she calls or e-mails, don’t return them.
Set up a time for yourself depending on how bad the dynamic was. If it was really bad, you might want to do three months. If it was just a little off, do three weeks.
Eric
I’ve realized some time ago that I felt something strange about a girl that I have met before. She left in a moment that I was completely lost. I’ve lost all kind of hopeness I can raise out about relationship and meetings. She affected so much my life in a negative situation. My strength and my energy were completely down. I’ve almost met myself without any kind of support.
A very close friend of mine supported me a lot. Take me to the doctor every week. So, I’ve started to take some pills to bring my humor back. Attempting to get standing and bring my life back again.
During this period I met another girl and we started dating. I’ve approached her so easily and it helped me in a straightforward way to recover my state. I almost lost this last one, because I talked a lot about my ex-girl. Of course she got upset a lot of time.
This happened 2 years ago. I can truly ensure some kind of feelings remaining about her. Deeply hidden somewhere.
I think you can pass a long period of your life very well, doing ordinary things, getting out with friends and some girls. But some memories just don’t go away.
Eric, good post of you. Thanks again to bring us this kind of content. The last time I payed I visit here was almost 2 years ago.
Eric, say the girl shows numerous IOI’s but is flakey when it comes to hanging out with just her outside of the group of mutual friends. I am going to pull away for a while and when she asks me what my deal is, is it okay to say something like “I am getting so comfortable with you that you are starting to feel like a little sister.”? That way I’m not saying baby I need you but saying, look im getting bored so either get with me or lose me. What do you guys think?
Hey Eric, nice post i can relate very much right now. My question is, how do you ‘disappear’ when you see the girl almost 3 times a week if not more? I try avoiding her to set my mind straight and get her out of my system, but as i see her 3 times a week at school its hard being the one avoiding or ignoring her. Suggestions anyone?
I am new to this website, and I gotta say… I am more intrigued in learning and reading the articles you post on it, then i have been in anything I’ve seen on the internet in my entire lifetime. As miniscule of a comment this will be, I must say, you are brilliant. As a pick-up artist, it may be easy for you to simply regurgitate methods of your trade that you have learned from previous experience, but I also wanted to let you know that your stories are astoundingly fascinating as well. Thank you, Eric.
BEST. ADVICE. EVER.
For any situation, not just girls. I’m a girl :)
Being able to walk away is the single best position to make a deal, does not matter if it is business, the start of a relationship, shifting the forces of a relationship or buying a pair of shoes/a car. Always be able to walk away from anything and you will much more often get what you want, how you want it. Sometimes you will get nothing. But more often you will get it exactly right.
I’m always willing to do this, but you have to keep in mind how easy it will be, never get in a relationship at work or too close to home.
Also, this happens with friendships that hardly have anything going on. Not worth the drama.
What do you do if she doesn’t contact you personally? What do you think of this kind of little girl crap?
Awesome take on a oneitis cure Eric. I have been whipped over this chic for nearly 5 years. All the theory on it and how to grt over it is great, have had other relationships since then too, but cant get her permanently out of my brain. Im gonna hit hypnotherapy to delete her, last resort man. Ill never get into this boat again!
I have an obsession with a girl that has lasted over 2 years. She’s largely faded away from memory, but she does come up far more often than I liked.