Dealing With Other Men In Her Life
by 
Eric Disco
When you start seeing a woman, there can be a tendency to do one of two problematic things:
First, based on the fact that she’s into you, you can get too comfortable.
She’s expressing interest. Girls are good at that.
All the interest she is showing you starts to make you feel smug and think that you have this girl.
It feels like she’s not going anywhere.
They’re good at making it seem like you are her only interest, whether or not this is actually the case.
Unless it’s exclusive–and even then sometimes–I can tell you it’s usually not the case. She has other interests.
If you spend any amount of time around gorgeous women, one thing becomes apparent.
These women get a lot of attention from men without taking specific action to attract that attention.
Yes, she may get dolled up in the morning and take care of herself, but she has men talking to her whether she takes initiative with these men or not.
This could be simple catcalling on the street, men talking to her in restaurants and stores she goes into, or where she works.
Some of these men she keeps around as friends.
Some of these men really are just friends.
Others are orbiters, guys who indefinitely hang around with her as a “friend,” hoping it will somehow turn into something more–while she has zero intention of ever getting romantic with them.
Or she may have some real prospects she keeps around in case her current relationship with you ends.
A dick in a glass jar– break in case of emergency.
She will keep these men around for support or validation or just because she’s bored and wants someone to talk to.
Unless she lives at the North Pole, if she’s attractive then there are men in her life. And there will always be opportunities for her to bring new men into her life.
True, most of those guys are total douchebags, but if she should desire, most attractive women could easily keep a couple guys hanging around in the wings.
The fact that there are other options for her means you need to stay vigilant.
If you don’t keep things interesting for her, she may start to get bored. She’ll feel unchallenged.
And she may start to consider other options.
The second problematic tendency is the opposite of the first.
Based on the fact that you really like her and know there are other men in her life, you start to get a little insecure.
And you overcompensate, usually by playing too many games.
That can be just as bad as the first tendency of not playing any game at all.
The problem with that is that a lot of these tactics tend to push her away and also leave you emotionally closed off to her.
And then she ends up running into the arms of another guy because you didn’t give her enough closeness and validation.
So how do you know when to do some but not too much?
I have a frame I call the relationship assumption. It goes like this.
I assume at all times that she has three guys she talks to who are into her, but don’t challenge her like I do.
What does this assumption do for me?
Well, if I just thought about all these guys chasing after her, it could make me insecure.
That’s why I assume they aren’t very good at challenging her (and frankly compared to me they probably aren’t.)
That way I don’t hold back too much for fear of getting played by her.
And I also challenge her, but not too much.
This assumption forces me to stay on my toes at all time, even with the most loving of girls, without getting insecure.
You never want to stop keeping her on her toes a little or keep her guessing. If you do, you’ll get caught unawares.
You want to inject some measures to make her wonder.
You don’t want to stop being flirtatious, unpredictable and slightly mysterious, or she will start to lose attraction for you.
No matter how confident you are, there will always be guys bolder than you out there taking a shot at your woman.
Women are loyal. But loyalty only goes so far.
She needs a little bit of excitement and unpredictability.
How do you inject a little bit of excitement into the relationship? Frankly, there is an entire world of techniques that you can use to keep her on her toes.
One example would be that if you’re the one who always takes initiative with her, drop out of sight until she takes initiative.
Another example is to tell her you have a surprise for her and refuse to tell her what it is until you give it to her.
You want to maintain some tension with her on some level, or the relationship slips into a neutered friend zone.
That’s when you lose the girl.
One of the most important aspects of relationship maintenance is figuring out how much to “game” the woman you’re with to keep her interested.
By adopting the relationship assumption, you have a solid frame for dealing with her that shouldn’t make you insecure but also reminds you to stay on your toes.
Posted in Relationships | 
7 Comments »
Great article as always, Eric.
I met an amazing girl last week and based on how we clicked I think I’m probably one of the “other guys” that you write about.
I know she has a boyfriend, but she has never brought him up in conversation and lives alone. She has shown signs of interest and opened up a little bit even though I’m a new friend. We have a ton in common and if she were single, I definitely would have asked her out by now.
I guess my question is how can I work this to my advantage and make her my gf? I know it’s really self-serving, if not selfish, but my friends have told me “all’s fair in love and war,” especially since she has reciprocated interest. Would be interested in your feedback!
Thanks,
Clueless
Hey man,
If there really is some indicator that she’s seeing someone else, my game doesn’t change that much. Maybe I play things a little harder and stay on my toes. That’s the point of this whole article. You should always act like there’s the possibility of someone else in the picture, so you can’t stop being challenging and playful. Just do whatever you normally do with women.
If she is truly in a committed relationship, I probably wouldn’t waste my time with her. Aside from any ethics questions, it’s just not worth pursuing things. If she leaves her current boyfriend for you, how can you trust this girl?
Eric
Ah, good insight. I’m in college, so breakups aren’t uncommon, but you make a very good point. I think I’ll be a casual friend and see if escalation is going to be worth my time.
Thanks again for the help! Your website is the shit.
I can relate to your post. I got too comfortable with my last girlfriend, this want stimulating enough for her so she dumped me! WTF
I also loved this part “dick in a glass jar– break in case of emergency.” I’m going to use that one.
This is easy to forget when in a long term relationship. It’s easy to get comfortable and take your girl’s loyalty and fidelity for granted. It’s easy to forget that even women that are so-so in attractiveness could get themselves a new dick just as fast or faster than you can get a new vagina. The work never ends.
Eric, I have read just about every post you have submitted. you have some good things to say and offer good pointers from time to time. It seems however that your posts many times promote schemes and strategies to attract and connect with profoundly insecure, manipulative and wounded women of which in my humble opinion does men who read it a great disservice. If you are dating or are exclusive with a woman who keeps 3 or 4 guys around or has “other interests,” or keeps other “prospects” around, this is nothing more than being disrespectful to you. This is cruel behavior designed to make you feel insecure. What’s more it’s a cheesy, high pressure, old marketing con: “Act now while supplies last!” A woman who engages in this kind of behavior is trying to make herself look like a rare and valuable commodity by using other men to play on your insecurities. A secure, healthy, partner wants you to feel secure in her affection, she doesn’t play on your fears. If a woman you’re dating makes it a point to tell you how many men want her, let ‘em have her – unless you want to be a contestant in her version of The Bachelorette. Oh and if you think this manipulative behavior ends if and when you marry her, THINK AGAIN!! Rather than contriving a scheme to deal with this type of woman, have some self respect and only pursue healthy, respectful women who won’t play these games with you. You will thank yourself in the LONG run.
Hi Curtman,
You are 100% right on. If you are in an exclusive relationship with a woman and she’s talking about other men, then that’s a problem. I wouldn’t tolerate it. No man should.
However, relationships don’t start off exclusive. And they shouldn’t. There’s a long period of time between when you first meet a woman and when you decide that she’s worthy of your exclusivity. I talk about why in this article.
During that time, you should assume that there are other men in her life. If there aren’t, then great. But if there are, you don’t want to get caught blindsided.
And it’s not just insecure, manipulative and wounded women that have men in their lives. Women are not angels that have come down from on high. They have ex-boyfriends they hook up with. They date around and sometimes hook up. And sometimes they even have sex for fun, some more than others. If you are looking for the virgin Mary or expect your woman to be, you will be sorely disappointed. This is the reality of dating in the 21st century.
My suggestion of assuming that there are other men in her life with less confidence than you helps you to not play the fool while you are dating women.
Eric