She Doesn’t Know She’s Attracted to You
by 
Eric Disco
I’m standing on the subway platform when she catches my eye. I look over at her.
And then… I see her subtly look in my general vicinity.
Is she attracted to me? I wonder to myself.
Asking that question is a mistake in and of itself.
This is because women often don’t know themselves when they are attracted to a man, at least not in the same way men do.
As men, it’s easy for us to make the mistake of thinking that women are attracted to us in the same way that we are attracted to them.
When a man feels attracted to a woman, he knows right away. He feels a desire to have sex with her.
For the most part, man’s attraction is visual. When he sees a woman, he feels attraction instantly and powerfully. There is no doubt in his mind that he wants to fuck her.
If the attraction is very strong, he may think to himself, “Oh god, will you look at her, she is so hot.” Or, “Wow. I want to fuck that girl so bad.”
But women do not feel attraction the same way that men do.
Have you ever asked a woman why she likes a guy or what makes her attracted to him?
The other day I was talking with a gorgeous girl I’m dating. I asked her about the last date she’d been on and what she thought of the guy.
“Were you attracted to him?” I asked.
“He was okay,” she responded. “He was a cool guy, but I just wasn’t attracted.”
“Why not?”
“I don’t know. He just wasn’t… sassy.” She laughs at herself. “That’s a really stupid word to use, but it’s the best word I can come up with.”
“Like he didn’t fuck with you enough?” I ask.
“I guess so,” she says.
One could argue that she’s being coy with me, that in her mind she simply thinks I’m more physically attractive than those other guys.
But you ask any woman this question–why are you attracted to him–and chances are, her response will firstly revolve around behavior and secondarily around looks.
When you’re out and you make eye contact, it’s a mistake to look for “signs.” It’s a mistake to ask yourself if is she attracted before you take action.
This is because attraction for women does not necessarily equal “I want to fuck you” like it does for men.
It means that she has not eliminated you and she’s waiting for more information. She’s waiting to see your behavior.
She’s looking at your eye contact, your body language. She’ll notice your reaction if she catches you looking at her.
And primarily, she’s wondering whether you’ll man up and take initiative. Will you act confidently, or will you shy away?
Her attraction for you hinges on your behavior in her presence.
There is a lot more to “assume attraction” than we realize. In many ways, if you can assume she’s into you, then she is into you.
Sure, like men, there’s a component of looks involved in attraction for women. But a guy’s s confidence makes a huge difference to her.
Confidence is the action you take before you know whether she’s attracted to you. It’s expecting her to like you before you talk to her.
Next time you’re out, and you see a cute girl look in your general vicinity, or you start interacting with a girl and can’t tell whether she likes you, you may find you’re asking yourself, “Is she into me?”
She doesn’t clearly know the answer to that question. But you do.
Instead of asking that question, change that question to a statement:
She wants me.
And act from there.
Posted in Affirmations | 
36 Comments »
Thank you Eric. Been doing it for some time- the Women want to fuck me everywhere I go and sort and it does have effect. I’m getting there :)
Zhelyazko
Great article man, It’s funny how meeting women and really just life in general is all based off of one thing… the self-fufilling prophecy. Everything we do in life comes from our mindsets and how we view things and the world around us. And mindsets can be hard as shit to change. There is something to be said about confidence and believing in oneself. If you try to play it safe and not face potential rejection your body language will project this mindset and tse will know that your a puss and not be attracted. But if you just approach her like you’ve had sex with her already as well as a thousand girls even hotter than her, she’ll be attracted to you. And even if she isn’t, she’s obviously crazy.
It’s also funny how we all get stuck in our own heads all the time. Like, who’s to say that that smokin’ hot chick isn’t thinking to herself that your sexy as hell and if only you would come talk to her. Reframing your thinking is one of the best things you could do, you just have to bring it to a concious level when your experiencing negative self talk. Great artilce Eric.
Not sure if I completely agree. When girls look at you they make a lot of snap judgements based on contextual evidence like: your posture, the way you hold your phone, the way you dress, your shoes, the people you’re with, your facial expression, your body (which indicates if you take care of yourself), and on and on. They like to call this “energy”.
I remember having this conversation with a few friends of mine who happened to be girls. They confessed that they are always judging the men around them, instinctually. We were people watching and you’d be surprised how much they were stereotyping and making snap judgements on the men around us.
So while they may not be necessarily looking at a guy’s physical attributes you can be sure that they’re stereotyping you on other elements without you even making a move.
Scitzoid:
Doesn’t matter what she thinks. That’s not of our concern.
Here’s why: Nearly all women will tell you they have a ‘type’. That ‘type’ is invariably not going to be you, right? Sure, if you fit some categories in the physical department, you’re more likely to fall into the ‘type’ category of a random girl…but that’s not the game you want to play.
Your game should be to ignore whatever the hell her preferences are, and make her prefer you.
The reason that the snap judgments are so pervasive is simply this: Most guys really don’t DO anything. They go in, do their thing, ask her out. That’s where the advice of people like Eric and Lee is so important–particularly with respect to ‘connecting’. These are more important than the snap judgements…but you have be powerful enough to resist the judgements first–so that you can get to the next part.
Again: doesn’t matter a whit what the girls think :)
You’re right that women feel attraction as quickly as men do and that a woman’s attraction for a man is more context-dependent than a man’s attraction for a woman.
For women though, their attraction is typically only part of a longer process to sex. For a man, physical attraction is often sufficient for sex. A guy will fuck a prostitute simply by physical attraction. His foot is hard on the gas pedal from the first moment he sees her until he finally fucks her.
For a woman, her attraction is more unconscious. She depends on the guy’s ability to lead her past her initial arousal all the way into sex. How often does it happen that a guy starts talking to a woman and she’s interested at first, but then she loses interest from one moment to the next? Even if things are going well and she’s still attracted, she’ll offer resistance and say no at different points. And if they do sleep together, she’ll find that she’s in his apartment, she’s had sex and she feels like “it just happened.” When she says “it just happened,” she’s not just lying to him and to the world, she’s lying to herself. She’s self-delusional by nature. This is typical for women.
Sure, some women use male prostitutes and some men find they have been led through the seduction process unaware, but typically it works the other way around.
This is why questioning her attraction for you can easily contaminate the process. Your ability to take initiative is integral to her continued attraction for you throughout the entire process. If you’re wondering whether she is attracted to you, you are already faltering on taking initiative and leading her through the process. The earlier you start questioning yourself, the more deleterious it is to the process. Conversely, if you’re confident that she’s into you, she’ll sense that confidence and really will be more into you. This will allow you to take initiative much more easily.
Eric
Eric I am reading your site since your article for using excuses to start touching. Everything you write is like golden advice for me , I am writing to express my my thanks,… You are a great person , I only wish I could met you from close. Thanks for all you wrote. With a lot of sympathy ,
Chrysanthos
Thanks, Chrys. I appreciate the feedback!
Eric
Women are about as turned on by the physical as men are. Let us not kid ourselves here. Do women keep calendars up in their cubicles at work of say Louie Anderson or Danny Devito because they make them laugh or do they keep up calendars of Brad Pitt or the Chippendales?
Also look at online. Women will diss a guy if he is not a certain height, does not have hair, does not make a certain amount of money – its all about the physical and material for women.
You say “For a woman, her attraction is more unconscious. She depends on the guy’s ability to lead her past her initial arousal all the way into sex.” – sorry no it is not! For the woman its about whether she will let her have sex with you. Period. Whether you are considered “good enough” – it has NOTHING to do with leadership. It is about whether she likes you or not.
Sorry this article is really off Eric. Really off.
Paul, you say men and women are both attracted to the same thing: the physical. But then you say that women are also attracted to wealth in men. Are you saying that men and women are attracted to the same thing or not? If a woman is wealthy, does that make you more sexually attracted to her?
Eric
Eric,
Good points. I should not have included wealth thought that does seem to color a man into looking “good” to many women. Women and men are attracted to the physical at just about the same level. I agree with you that men might be a bit more on the looks side but not by much. Maybe when women did not have as much choice as they do now (say the 40′s, 50′s – pre-sexual revolution and womens rigths) they were more keen on other things (wealth, security) but now that its a pretty much even playing field, looks greatly matter.
As for wealth, I would say women are more attracted to wealthier men than men are to wealthier women. I errored in mentioning that in my entry but going back again to my main focus – women are just about as into looks as men are (again perhaps a slight deviation). Those looks could be in facial, height, overall body build – just as men are attracted to say a woman’s bust, butt, face and so forth.
Again, its a total fallacy (and I wish it were not) that women are not attracted to looks and just go for personality traits. Same thing with leadership if she is not attracted. If she is attracted then leadership has its place. But if she is not attracted or even still on the fence, leadership is not important.
Witness all of the women that date slackers. These guys are not dating for money, no its that they women want them for their looks. Plain and simple. And there are a ton of them in their 20′s and even their 30′s today. I was just in a big western city this past weekend and witnessed a bar party after a charity event. There were tons of hot women dressed to the hilt with men dressed in horrible combinations of cheap shirts, jeans or bad dress paints, unshaven and these women were buying these men drinks, telling them what to do and hours later I saw many of them leave and go to rooms together at the hotel – the women leading the way. The women lead the conversations, they told these guys what to do and many were married (yeah figure that…lol) but many were just pure couples.
This is nowhere near the first time I have seen this. There are countless articles written about this – women dating “down” but they do it and there is certainly no leadership there. But the guys were mostly taller, athletic good looking types. But women do not go for looks do they? As Brad P or Mystery would tell me – “dude you did not see that”…must be the mushrooms I had on my salad right?….lol…
I question this as well:
‘Sure, like men, there’s a component of looks involved in attraction for women. But a guy’s s confidence makes a huge difference to her. Confidence is the action you take before you know whether she’s attracted to you. It’s expecting her to like you before you talk to her.”
If that is the case, then why do so many good men who approach and try to pickup women (I am talking non-needy types) get turned down for slackers, bad boys and losers?
If confidence is so important, then why do women turn down great guys quite frequently? I know there are head cases and bad seeds out there (women) who are gluttons for abuse or bad things in life but if confidence was such a universal truth – how could this be?
Can you explain in more detail?
I consider myself quite attractive, I get a lot of positive signals from women, and I don’t have any difficulties with just APPROACHING a woman. My problem is, I’m not a very talkative person in general, I don’t really know how to lead a conversation, I don’t know what to talk about, and I can’t keep a women’s attention for longer than a few minutes. They get bored, start looking around or even talking to other guys. I just want to be honest with them and I don’t like playing games, but how should I proceed after the approach?
Paul,
There have been countless studies that delineate psychological and behavioral differentiation between men and women.
Men are more geared toward casual sex. Men are more aggressive. Men initiate interactions with women more than women initiative interactions with men. Males have more testosterone in their blood than females, even from birth. Women have more estrogen. Even in the womb, hormones are busy at work differentiating the genders.
Men are more competitive. Women are more communicative. Males have better spatial ability even as toddlers. Females learn to speak earlier. Men are more visually aroused. 50% of playgirl’s readership is gay men. Women are more aurally and situationally aroused.
Men are more attracted to younger women, while women’s attraction for men holds steady, even as they age. Women are more attracted to status, where as men are not. Studies have shown that different parts of women’s brains light up when they read than men do.
The idea that men and women are psychologically identical with only physical differences has been thoroughly disproven through countless scientific studies. If you want to read some great information about this, check out two books by Louann Brizendine, one is the Male Brain, the other is the Female Brain. Both books are really well written and worth the read.
Let me take your question one step further. Here is a much better criticism you should be offering, Paul. Instead of your question, you could simply say that the success of the pickup community is simply a numbers game. All of these techniques are really completely bullshit. The fact is that by going out over and over and over again, and initiating as many interactions as possible, these guys are maximizing their chances and that all this talk of confidence, technique, and skill is all bullshit.
There are studies that support specific aspects of game, like the study that showed that women were a lot more receptive to a man who used a touch on the arm when first inviting them to dance. But a lot of these skills and techniques are reverse-engineered from ‘naturals’–guys who are already successful with women, or techniques of verbal influence that women themselves use.
Why are women attracted to bad boys? We can use evolutionary psychology to backwards explain this phenomenon, but this is the sort of criticism that evo psyche heaps on itself as circular logic. Maybe bad boys seem tougher and more independent, maybe they seem to be more of a challenge. I haven’t seen any studies out there about why it works, but there are enough people out there who have experimented with this stuff to find that it does work. I’m one of them.
I know that if I speak too quietly when I first talk to a woman, it’s difficult to get into a conversation with her. So I speak louder. And it works better for me. I’ve opened thousands of women and picked up many things along the way. There are probably guys out there who are ten times better at meeting women with half my looks. But that’s the way it goes. We are all learning and contributing to this process. No one has all the answers.
Eric
Hi Ritchie,
It’s up to you to decide which skills and techniques you feel are appropriate for you and which you are uncomfortable with. A lot of guys like to start with banter or storytelling because both are not as negative and “gamey.” Have you experimented with this stuff? At what point do their eyes glaze over?
Eric
I would have thought it would be obvious by now that women care about looks much less than men. Not only is there tons of scientific evidence for it, but common sense and personal experience as well.
I have a friend who does some pickup coaching here in New York. He is killer with women. He has a great attitude and great energy. He is also bald, and not very tall (maybe 5’7″). At a party recently he ended the night with a really sexy and cute girl that he knew from before. I chatted with this girl myself during the party, and she was funny and smart.
Another friend has a belly that he complains about with me (wants to lose weight). But he is one of the ballsiest, most confident motherfuckers I know. He recently got out of a relationship with a fucking GORGEOUS petite blonde. We’re talking perfect 10 material. He is also not very tall, maybe 5’7″ as well. He also has an accent because English is not his native language.
So we have a bald guy and a chubby guy with an accent, both average height, pulling sexy girls. What was that about looks, again? haha. I could go on.
Some examples of celebrities that are not physically attractive that nevertheless get the ladies: Jay-Z, Russell Simmons, Donald Trump, Justin Beiber, Jean-Paul Sartre, Eminem, Seal, Usher, Nicholas Sarkozy, Gene Simmons, Kanye West, Salman Rushdie, Andy Dick, Dennis Kucinich, Woody Allen.
All these men are average looking or less. If the women went after these men because they’re rich/ famous, then either looks are not the only factor, or one must explain why the hot women don’t go with better looking men who are comparably rich or famous as these men.
I would add to these examples several students of Eric’s who post on this site who did not have success until they learned game. In other words, their game is the only thing that changed in their three month journey from failure to success. Their looks didn’t change. They didn’t get more successful. Their height and their fame did not change. It’s kinda hard to attribute their success to anything but their game. –Lee
I think you need to revise your list a little Kl……I mean honestly………
Justin Beiber is fucking hot
Eminem is handsome
Ushers hot
Kanye West is hot
I mean I dig that your trying to inspire your fellow men but thats going a little too far I think. Are you a male model or something? I mean seriously? You must be really fucking good looking to think some of those guys are not pysically attractive.
If you strip away all the accoutrements–killer fashion, hairstyle, perfectly groomed facial hair, sunglasses and attitude–you get the underlying facial structure of a person. That’s what I’m talking about, that was the issue raised.
Now, Usher has a big goofy nose and ears. Kanye has an average face (not ugly, but average), don’t be distracted by his cool facial hair and sunglasses he loves. Beiber has a VERY feminine face with very soft features (he could easily pass for a girl if you change his hairstyle and put him in a dress). Eminem is the only one I might equivocate on. He has a strong jaw and cheekbones. But I still think countless “average” men have similar features.
Now, I’m not a male model, but I do work with male and female fashion models a lot, so I do have an idea.
Here’s what I consider physically attractive male faces: Brad Pitt, Pierce Brosnan, George Clooney, Frank Sinatra, Lebron James, Antonio Banderas, Tyson Beckford, Rick Fox, Jason Momoa.
Arnold Schwarzenegger is another classic masculine face. It’s worth noting that most of these masculine faces are attached to fit, muscular bodies. This is because they have greater testosterone in their bodies, which results in deeper voices, more masculine facial structures and easier ability to build muscle. Compare to the lighter voices of Beiber or Usher, for instance. Less “masculine” men can build muscle too, but not as easily.
KL, I don’t really care what you consider attractive male faces. I think Justin Beiber is hot and millions of his fans would agree with me. Expressing your opinion as a fact doesn’t make it a fact no matter how much you want it to.
The problem with the ridiculously high standards that supposedly alpha people set is that no one can fucking meet them, its like all these fucking hot women feeling ugly because there compared with anorexic models. Its such bullshit.
“Justin Beiber is fucking hot”
“Expressing your opinion as a fact doesn’t make it a fact no matter how much you want it to.”
Umm… yeah.
Of course Justin Beiber is hot. But it ain’t because of his physical looks. It’s because of his intangibles–attitude, social status, etc. I think all of the men we’ve discussed are sexually attractive, because sexual attraction for women has little to do with physical looks.
Science has shown that specific facial features and proportions make a person look more masculine or feminine. That is how we can tell a masculine looking man (Arnold Schwarzenegger) from a feminine one (Leonardo DiCaprio). So this is all based on objective facts. You should look into this science, it’s quite interesting.
Anyway, any further criticism I find pointless in light of the forest troll that is Dennis Kucinich. Period.
are you guys fighting over Justin Beiber, or what? *LOL*
It’s funny, because never in my whole life have I been able
to judge male looks; I always wondered why others could.
In few cases when someone looks very similar to a well known male, like, say George Clooney, who , as I know, lots of people consider good looking , I can infer that his double must also be good looking. But other than that, I have have absolutely no clue how good or bad a man looks. My brain just works like an inference engine.
Haha, Cameron loves the Beibs I guess. Justin’s rugged masculinity would surely put John Wayne to shame. LOL.
Look into the science on this point, Jonathan. It’s pretty illuminating stuff. Although, be forewarned, you won’t be able to look at a man or woman again without silently examining their cheek bones, squareness of chin and distance between eyeball and eyebrow.
The great thing is that looks really don’t matter that much for men. We just have to focus on our character, personality, lifestyle and social skills.
You know there’s this nightclub I go to KL, there’s this bouncer, he’s tall and handsome, when he walks past I can all the girls talk about him, they want to fuck him, its purely based on his looks, its physical attraction.
Yes, some men look more masculine then others, and its related to the testosterone levels and all that stuff. But not all women want Mr SqaureJaw.
Johnny Depp has a pretty “feminine” face but does that mean that no women find him physcially attractive? Dont make me laugh.
If you read the science you’ll see that sometimes women DON’T WANT A MASCULINE MAN, sometimes they are sexually attracted to more “feminine” men because they (subconsciously) believe that these men are more likely to be faithful to them and held them raise a family.
Yes, studies have shown that some or many women “prefer” more “feminine” faces. So that is certainly true. Several things:
1. These studies often ask women which face they “prefer.” To “prefer” something for a woman can mean many things. It does NOT necessarily mean “turns you on,” like it would with us.
2. Macho-looking men look more threatening–that is the design, by nature. They are also more sexually threatening than effeminate nice guys. So many women will “prefer” a more non-threatening “nice guy,” especially if they have marriage and kids on their mind.
3. As a result, women report “preferring” masculinized male faces around the time of ovulation, and feminized ones at other times; also they prefer masculine faces for short term relationships. This indicates it is the masculine faces that have the real raw sexual power here.
Also remember what makes Johnny Depp really hot is his passion, character and dedication to his craft. I saw his interview on Inside the Actor’s Studio, and he’s a fascinating personality.
Women can be complex sexual creatures though, I will certainly give you that.
“Also remember what makes Johnny Depp really hot is his passion, character and dedication to his craft.”
And the fact hes really good looking. Robert DeNiro/ Al Pacino have tonnes of passion, character and status, but do they have as many female fans as Johnny Depp? No because there not as good looking.
Actually, although this scientific concept about masculine/femine looks are easily to comprehend, I find it a bit weird. If you look at guys like Mike Tyson or Muhammad Ali how their faces looked at the time of peak performance, I think you will find, that they didn’t exactly look very masculine (as compared to , say, Dolf Lundgren or Arnold in their respective movies). Yet it is obvious to everybody, that they have beaten the shit out of each and every opponent. So, how much more masculinity than that could any woman ask for herself and her offspring?!! I pretty and perfect “masculine” face won’t necessarily do this for them and certainly has never done in human history.
I know this is not a board for scientific discussions; just wanted to comment that I see some issues here.
Cameron:
Sounds like by “good looking” you are referring to symmetry. Of course symmetry is essential to both ideal male and female forms. Look at Pacino’s and De Niro’s most prominent movies, and then look at Depp’s. The first are filled with violence and darkness, the second with emotion, psychology and fantasy. Which do you think will draw more women to the theaters, “Taxi Driver” or “What’s Eating Gilbert Grape”? And the star of which film will receive more female eyeballs as a result?
You can keep thinking a man’s looks are so powerful. Meanwhile Dennis Kucinich is banging his sizzling hot wife.
Jonathan:
Actually Tyson does have some of these qualities–heavy brow, square chin, big cheekbones. Most of the UFC players have very masculine features too. Anyway, the rules of modern boxing are manmade, not forged by nature eons ago.
But yes, of course, there are exceptions to every rule.
I was LMAO at kucinich reference by KL!. And I agree with you on this. Depp is a handsome cat but he’s not feminine-looking at all. The long hair and excessive accessories might make him look girlie but his features are quite manly. Bieber on the other hand is quite femenine looking and there’s nothing much that makes him stand out in the looks department other than his little angelic voice and pop star status that drives the teenage girls nuts.
I’m not really sure what you guys are arguing about. lol..but I think you both agree that looks aren’t the biggest thing that attracts a woman to a man.
@Lee
If game is the main factor that attributes to getting HOT women and having success. I got a lot more hot women after I re-designed the way I look by loosing weight and getting lean and ripped. No “game” system, mindset or techniques have helped. I still have low, medium confidence, feel low self-worth some times, still very quiet. Tell me why you think game works? I changed my looks and nothing else.
@ Chris
Game works for me dude. I have always been lean and ripped. Although I am average in height my looks are above average. I have great abs, I do running, martial arts- that stuff. And I had absolutely 0 success with women.
After I started doing this stuff and getting less inhibited, more social, more physical with women I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. The difference is massive for me. So I am going to keep going at it.
Best wishes indeed,
Zhelyazko
@Chris Improving your look definitely helps. I have a great sense of style, wear cool clothes, pay big bucks to a great hair stylist. Looks are important. But there are guys on this site – most notably some recent students of Eric – who didn’t change their look at all and still vastly improved their game. So at the very least, it is fair to say that game and looks are both important. However, I will go one step further. I have never seen anyone – not one person – with good game who doesn’t get hot women. I have seen plenty of good looking guys who hardly ever get hot women. –Lee
The reason why girls like “bad boys” is because being around “socially acceptable nice guys” makes them feel like they have to put on a socially acceptable facade and can’t be themselves. Girls are dying to be themselves and, with bad boys, they feel comfortable doing that.
Asking this question is a mistake — you shouldn’t be asking ANY questions.
ASSUME she wants you!
Just look at all your comments, gentleman.Why would any man want to
play such a horrible game, full of stupid games and testing. It sounds
like you are buying lots and lots of frustration.Where are all the stupid games supposed to end?
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