My Insecurities Fade with Action

by Eric Disco
Oct 28

There are too many things wrong with me.

My forehead is ridiculously high, my skin too white.

My eyes are too small. They’ve been described as “squinty” by tactless friends.

My jawline is anything but strong. I hide it with a beard. All the fashion now.

I’m getting older, and still I’m typically not the smartest man in the room.

I’ve lost enough debates at my age to know that there will likely be someone at the table with a better grasp of history. Or a better memory. Or someone more likely better read than me.

My career isn’t terrible. But it’s not progressed in a decade as my true love is arts–music, writing–neither of which has won me accolades, save for perhaps this blog and my successful coaching.

I have women to thank for showing me the light. The ones who let me get oh-so-close, but not quite. They turned me into a revolution.

They made my bones hurt with inadequacy as they let me fall in love with them.

They left me standing alone at a train station, with a ticket in my hand they’d bought for me, going anywhere, just as long as it was away from them.

I have them to thank for showing me my shortcomings, for pointing them out in vivid detail.

For letting me bathe and soak in my powerlessness until my heart was pruned with hurt.

I have them to thank because I learned… that none of that matters. I found out how to no longer be a captive to my shortcomings.

I see her on the train. And as I go to talk to her, I don’t feel any of it–the insecurity about my looks, my past failure, my stupid problems and shortcomings–none of it enters my mind.

All I feel is the beating of my heart, the pressure build up in my chest. Muted excuses pop in and out of my mind at a distance as my feet take steps in her direction.

I get as close as I can, then stand there, waiting patiently. The man next to her gets off at the next stop. Crowds of people board the train and I move over to where he was standing.

A moment later, I’m complimenting her on her shoes. She’s blushing and brushing her blonde hair aside as she looks at me.

This interaction doesn’t go anywhere.

As she walks away voices pop into my head wondering what I could have done differently.

But they are faint, because I know I’m trying something new and I have ideas for next time.

And more importantly, I feel my body.

My heart is beating and my skin is flush. I am raw and alive from the interaction.

I am a rabbit in the woods.

And no where does it exist at this moment, those insecurities about my looks, about my status.

It’s all about my actions: the words I’ve used, the way I said them, whether I should have continued the interaction and how I felt while talking to her.

Inhibition is the enemy, not my looks or my station in life.

Sometimes I notice my insecurities when I compare myself to guys who are better than me with women.

Well, he’s good looking or He’s rich, of course he’s doing well, I tell myself.

If anything, I’m insecure about my abilities. This leaks out of all the guys I know who are out there doing this and doing it well.

There are some days, once in a long while, that I realize–wait a minute–it’s possible some women are rejecting me because of my looks.

I feel a familiar pang I haven’t felt in ages. What is it? Oh yeah, that’s what it is…

Self-pity.

I haven’t been there in a long long time. The room is old and familiar, but the place is boring. I spent too much time there in my youth.

I fretted over my looks, wondering what it meant for my fate with women.

But then I go back on the street. Moments later, as I take action, I see the difference with my own eyes.

And feel it with my own heart.

The limitations are internal. And they always have been.

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posted in Acceptance, Self-Improvement Strategies

COMMENTS
13 responses
Zhelyazko says:

Great article. It’s comforting to see others feel this as well.

Paul says:

Great article Eric. Very candid. You write what most of use go through and feel.

Thanks!

Leo says:

Hey Eric –

This is my first post here. Been reading your blog for about a year and just needed to put in my two cents on this one.

Being an artist is the hardest path there is (you know that, right?) but also one of the most rewarding. It’s ALL about failing, succeeding, struggling, yet still persevering–putting your heart, soul, and ego on the line day in and day out. I’m a fellow working musician in NYC so I know what you’re feeling.

There are so many similarities between walking that road and improving socially. I’m reminded of that again and again reading your articles. Being judged “successful” by someone else’s or society’s standards is great (and helps pay the rent!) but, ultimately, you’ve got to do it because, well, you’ve got to do it. Like getting better with women, there is no moment of arrival, but going down that road makes you feel alive like nothing else.

I’m still not nearly where I’d like to be, but your insight and advice on this site is getting me there bit by bit. Thanks for all that you do here, and keep up the good fight!

Lee says:

Eric’s honesty is to be commended. I have moments like this, too. To put things in perspective, Eric has a really hot girlfriend, and a few of the women he’s previously dated have been really hot, too. It’s good that Eric’s human, that he has down days and doesn’t always feel like he’s the undisputed heavyweight champion of pickup. If it were otherwise, he’d have trouble relating to the men who come to him for advice. But all in all, his life is pretty good. Many men would have considered themselves very lucky to wind up with one of the women Eric’s turned away. Eric’s friends love and trust him. His job’s safe and steady. His coaching business routinely gets rave reviews and is growing nicely. And he’s going to publish his book soon. All in all, a pretty good life, an interesting life, and a life full of many cool possibilities. That’s my five cents. –Lee

Cameron says:

Great post much, its really touching to hear you sharing yourself like that, keep fighting the good fight!

Otokashi says:

Truly epic Eric. I don’t know you, but i can feel such humbleness in your writing. Hats off.

KL says:

It’s amazing to me how all the excuses, analysis, machinations and worries just melt away with action. The power really is in the action. I’m big on theory and analysis of course, but honestly I am sometimes tempted to think that action is the only thing that matters. That pure, raw action will give you all the results you want in time.

Thanks for a powerful article, Eric.

HankAtlas says:

I’ve been following your blog for a long time and I’ve never commented. I’ve always been pretty good with women but I’ve learned a lot here. What I find to be the most interesting is that a lot of the psychological impediments that cause inaction with women, are the same psychological impediments that prevent us all from engaging in activities of all kinds…namely fear. Keep up the good work. You’re one heck of a writer by the way.

Sachin says:

I like this article a lot. I been mostly doing day game and kind of bored of going to the same places every day. I wanted to spice up things and decided go to a bar one night a week.

I decided to take action and go out by myself and getting comfortable. The first night my goal is to just go out and hang out and not put too much pressure of myself. After going out for few weeks I have started to feel comfortable going out at night and using all my conversation skills that I have learned to use at a bar. So far I only been out for an hour at night but now I will push and spend 2 hours at night time.

Sander says:

This is exactly why you are different from other bloggers. Nurture this authenticity for it is what sets you apart. Thank you.

@Hank:

Yup–I agree with you–good call.

In my opinion any lack of success with women is usually just a symptom of underlying social fears–if we didn’t have social fears/other inpediments–none of us would have any difficulties.

My goal has been to get back to the mental/creative/imaginative freedom of early childhood while incorporating all the cognitive understanding/knowledge that I’ve gained through life. If I can do that (and it’s working), I foresee a real cure both to difficulties with women and other mental blocks, and ultimately some real power.

Wilky says:

You are a badass dude

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