Is She Dating Other Guys Besides You?

by Eric Disco
Sep 19

RK, a reader of ApproachAnxiety.com, asks:

Could you give some pointers about how to behave when she admits she’s dating someone else but obviously has an attraction for you. I’m regrettably facing this right now and don’t know if I should play along or show my irritation.

Regardless of what she tells you, you want to assume that there are other people in the equation and proceed as such. If she’s an attractive girl, there will always be some flotsam and jetsam in the vicinity, no matter how much she is into you.

A verbal commitment or even marriage is no way to guarantee that she will not hook up with other guys or–more importantly–that she will not lose attraction for you. You must continue to keep her interested at all times.

One of my basic tactics for relationship management is that I assume there are two other dating prospects for her in the picture. I talk about it here:

My basic assumption is that she is seeing two other guys who do not have any game. This basic assumption keeps me on my toes without making me jealous. I make sure I don’t stop being flirty, sexual and fun«¤?¡Èor those other guys will move in. At the same time, I assume those other guys have zero game. I don’t need to play my game hard with this girl, but I can’t turn into a needy guy or else she’ll run to someone else.

When you assume this from the start, it makes it a lot less likely that if you hear about another guy, you will all of a sudden start to get jealous and insecure.

However, it’s still possible to feel jealous.

What to do if you do feel jealous

It’s almost always a bad sign when you have to ‘show your irritation.’ If you’re getting upset at something she’s doing, you need to ask yourself what you did wrong and what you could do differently next time.

Maybe she’s nagging you and it’s pissing you off. What could do to cut off that behavior from the start, without getting upset?

If she’s making you jealous, there’s a good chance that she’s losing attraction for you and not giving you enough focus. It’s possible you did something earlier on to make her lose attraction for you.

Maybe you got needy or showed too much concern about other guys in the picture. Maybe you pushed the relationship forward too fast and made her feel crowded instead of letting her come to you. Maybe you let her take the lead once too often. Maybe you didn’t tease her enough or weren’t sexual enough and she got bored.

These are the root causes for women cheating. It’s rare for a woman to cheat when she’s in a happy, contented relationship with a dominant guy whom she feels attracted to.

Jealousy: Don’t Drink a Fatal Drop

Guys can also make themselves jealous in relationships without any cause. It can come from insecurity. Or sometimes it can come from simple curiosity.

You see her texting on the phone and you wonder, is she texting a guy? Maybe you don’t care too much but you are simply curious. So you’re tempted to look at her phone when she’s not in the room.

Don’t.

A while ago I was dating a girl and stumbled onto her online dating profile. I was very tempted to check how often she logged on and other things. But I didn’t. Even taking one step in that direction is suicide.

I’ve been down that road before and it’s deadly. It’s like the dark side of the force: once you go down that road, it is near impossible to turn back. It leads to more checking.

You start wondering who she’s seeing, who she’s hanging out with. You become needy and try to account for her time. Who was she with?

She mentions a guy at work and so you interrogate her about it. Who is he?

There’s no way you can account for all the time a girl spends away from you. Even if you could, she could still find some way to meet with a lover without you knowing if she wanted.

It’s an endless chase down the rabbit hole. Your mind creates imaginary possibilities.

The worst part is that it can be a self-fulfilling prophecy. She sees your insecurity and starts to lose attraction for you. Or she feels crowded by your jealousy, and so she does cheat on you.

Or she uses your expressions of weakness and jealousy as a wedge to get what she wants from you before leaving you.

What to do instead of getting jealous

Instead, when you are tempted to check her phone or interrogate her about every minute she spent away from you, think about how she is when she’s with you.

If she is 100% focused on you, then things are generally fine. Yes, she could be cheating on you or she could be dating other people, but you generally don’t have too much to worry about when a girl is 100% into you.

Some indicators of whether she’s 100% into you:

  • How she reacts when you invite her out
  • How much she calls and texts
  • How much she takes initiative with you to invite you out
  • How much she indicates she’s happy in the relationship
  • How much she is focused on you when you’re together (looking at you versus looking around at other people)
  • How much she touches you
  • How much she wants sex

Even a verbal promise of exclusivity is a worthless indicator compared to how she acts around you. What she says with her words do not in any way necessarily correspond to her actions. Often times they are a smoke screen. Her words can almost always be safely ignored in lieu of her actions.

If she’s not 100% focused on you, then you have a problem, regardless of whether she’s seeing other people. In this respect, other people are not your concern, but how she’s treating you is. If she isn’t treating you right, then you have an issue on your hands and must deal with it.

How do you pull her in if she’s not 100% focused on you? You can start with some of these articles.

Advanced Tactics to Turn Back the Tide

8 Tips to Maintain Sexual Tension in Your Relationships

How to Handle Her Bad Behavior

When You Think About Her Too Much

No doubt there are people out there who can happily see more than two people at once. But once you start to see each other regularly (more than once a week) and text or talk on a daily basis, other people generally fall to the wayside in one way or another.

Now, this doesn’t mean you should be completely blind to signs of other guys on the horizon. Maybe she talks about hanging out with other guys but is really into you when she sees you. That can be a problem too.

But the correct response to this isn’t to show irritation, or to show any type of emotion at all. The correct response is to pull her back in until she is completely focused on you.

She should be scared to death of talking about other guys around you, not because you’ll get upset, but because she doesn’t want to lose you. When she’s completely and utterly in love with you, she’ll be extremely hesitant to talk about other guys around you because she doesn’t want to push you away.

-----------------

posted in Relationships

COMMENTS
35 responses
Indiana says:

Crap.

I did all the mistakes with my ex. and she left mee…. ;)
I checked her phone. and got caught in the act…
I got upset because of her best friend…
I didn’t see all that signs of the bad way handling all this. And finally she did lose attraction. The prophecy fulfilled itself. The sex got very rare and she still stayed and didn’t lnow why she gets more and more uncomfortable.
It was a distance relationship but we saw each other once a month and it was everything perfect even with the distance. We had plans to move together after studying. Six months before that it crashed.
Well we really had something I didnt know before. It was really beautiful for one and a half year. And then I screwed it up… ;)

It’s ok by now, Im happy on my own and I appreciate being single again. At least I learned something about myself.

It’s so fucking refreshing learning all this stuff! I have been so blind…

RK says:

Wow, that was very insightful Eric. I think showing irritation or probing about the ‘other guy’ is juvenile or immature, especially at the start of a relationship and consciously try to avoid it. The girl I’m into, she’s seven years younger to me and still finishing college (in a different city, no less). We met a few months ago and there seemed to be some great chemistry between us. We’ve met in the flesh a couple of times since then but we text daily and talk every 2-3 days. The thing is, she’s told me that she’s seeing some guy in her class for the last two years and on this point I’m clueless as to how to behave. She never talks about it but has made a passing mention about ‘this guy I’m dating’ once or twice. I don’t react but privately it infuriates me and I’ve come close to doing something foolish – like displaying irritation or cutting off for a while.

I reason to myself that obviously she can’t be totally into this bloke else she’d not continue this with me. I’ve made my feelings for her known right from the start so there’s no fear of being tucked into the ‘friend’ zone. She’s usually initiates our texting each day so it’s not like I’m acting needy. I just can’t figure out how she manages to be into two people at the same time (assuming these signs mean that she is into me) – because I can’t. There’s no way I can keep up dating / flirting with two women at once who I know are serious about me.

Nonetheless, thanks again Eric. I stumbled upon your site accidentally and enjoy your perspectives, although I don’t agree with some of them.

best,

Eric Disco says:

Long distance relationships are a very tricky animal. Keeping them casual is one thing, but trying to have an exclusive relationship is another story.

When you get into a relationship with someone, you are seeing how their life integrates with yours. If you are physically only seeing them on occasions, you don’t get to “live” with them. There’s no integration.

People show their level of commitment and interest primarily by how often they see each other. If you see someone once a month, you know, okay, this is a casual relationship. If you see someone twice a week, that’s a serious relationship, regardless if one or both parties tries to say it’s casual. When you are long distance, you can’t communicate this to someone. You can’t let them into your life.

My advice in this situation is to, firstly, keep it casual. Don’t push for an exclusive relationship. Don’t talk about other people you’re seeing. She doesn’t expect you to be exclusive and don’t expect her to be exclusive.

Keep seeing other people. That will be key for you. If you don’t, you will start to get wrapped up in her. And that’s a deadly thing in a long distance relationship. You get all the bad (distance, lack of options, neediness) with none of the good (physical intimacy, sex, time spent physically together).

You should also keep gaming her as much as possible. Flirt hard. Keep it sexual. Connect deeply with her. But don’t become a blanket for her to cry to at night when she can’t get the guy that she wants.

Eric

Nice post, Eric.

It seems to me that some of the healthiest relationships/marriages are the ones are the ones where both members acknowledge biology–i.e. it’s ok for either party to be attracted to, even flirt with, other people and that it’s not a threat.

Most people aren’t comfortable with this. It’s amazing to see the reaction of guys when, say, I ask a girl they’re sitting next to some innocent question–like directions…they’ll tense up, grab the girl, get very quiet and look really uncomfortable.

The insecurity shows a mile away. If you try to own the girl (or she tries to own you), it’s a recipe for disaster…

Indiana says:

@ Eric:

Well it wasnt distance from the beginning. We met at the same university and fell in love from a casual relationship. We fell in love very hard both and were meeting nearly every day and it was really fantastic. Back then I didnt know much about game but I had grown some game on my own. I ve had been very playful, bantering and dominant. and we both loved it. she repeatedly telled me she loved it that way. So everything was fine.

The problem was we went to two different univerities for master after half a year, but both believed in the relationship and it really went better than weve ever expected even in that 200 kilometers distance.

But then… well, after one year of distance, my game got really crappy and I fell into kind of relaxing with it. Btw. once she told me I would overbanter in our interactions, mostly on phone. Now I know I got far to submissive and supporting after that, still believing in that relationship. She made mistakes as well but I wasnt able to handle her by then.

It’s a great opportunity to keep on loving even in a distance, after you lived with someone for half a year (she was most of the time at my place (in my bed)). We only had to manage the distance for two years and allthough I have been sceptical about that, it went very well for half the time.
So there is also the danger in getting from a close relationship to a distant one.

Although it has been a GREAT relationship full of harmony and “right” game even in the distance. The good thing was that she always was the one who missed me more than I missed her. This sound awkward but it helped me kepping control. It has had a lot of potential as well to be very longterm. But in the end the distance was stronger than the game I was able to handle by then…

Indiana says:

Wow, sorry for the crappy grammar guys… My English is a little rusty and it’s 0:17 AM here in Germany. ;)

Good night, good fight.

RK says:

She’ll be coming over to my city for two weeks for a short univ course, very soon. I’m obviously intending to spend some quality time with her then, without suffocating her – ironically all my life, I’ve tried not to fall into that category of boyfriends who hover around their girls 24×7 (or the type GoodYear describes). Well, I hope for the best..

cheers,

Jacques C. says:

Great post. All together with the links here, this series of articles have resonated with me a lot and helped tremendously in understanding why the shit hit the fan back then, so thanks again Eric for all of this, even if it hurts thinking it over (or just reminiscing. The texting/best friend references really hit home. Hard).

Anyhow, I’d already read the articles you linked save for “how to deal with her bad behaviour” so I went ahead and checked that because I was a bit confused, specifically about keeping focus.
“The correct response is to pull her back in until she is completely focused on you.”
From what I gathered from the material, this is often achieved by pulling away yourself, whether it be to make her miss/want you or to punish for unappropriate behaviour. Am I reading this right or is there something I’m totally missing?

Craig says:

Brilliant post! Absolute wisdom.

Paul says:

The hotter the woman, the more choices she has so of course she is going to date other guys. That is a given. The women I work with now (many very attractive) do have a “main guy” but they do date around, I say the majority of them do. They date around for either sex or things – he buys them this or that.

Most average women have at least 10 guys phone numbers in their phones that they can bootcall at any given time. I would say the hotter women have far more.

So heck yeah, they do.

@Paul–

That’s a myth. Actually less attractive women have more people after them, more likely to cheat, etc. because they’re seen as obtainable…most attractive girls I know have ‘suitors’ maybe…but they’re generally pathetic guys.

all you have to do is
a. be fairly decent and mildly interesting and not look like a garden gnome
b. take a few risks

Cameron says:

“be fairly decent and mildly interesting and not look like a garden gnome”

Godamnit! I knew I was making a mistake! Those matching green and yellow trousers with the santa-clause esque hat and old man beard……. :-)

@Cameron:

as long as you’re not appearing on postcards everywhere from Bali to Honolulu you’ll be fine!

Paul says:

@Goodyear

I wish it was a myth. Sure there maybe some beautiful women that are with pathetic guys, but overall they pretty much have what they want. I see it in matters of love and business.

No, beautiful pretty much date who they want and when they want and quite a number date more than one. Why would they not unless they are say a headcase or a shut-in.

I didn’t say ‘pathetic’ guys. I’m saying guys who don’t have the attributes you consistently seem to think girls want.

Value means different things to different people. It could be money or fame, sure. But I”ve never met a woman who really desired that (ever)–granted I don’t hang out at South Beach gold-digger clubs, but that’s not my thing.

Ever wonder why college professors are invariably with hot women? Ever see what these college professors look like? Any idea how much money they make?

No–their value comes from other places.

If your standard is a nightclub where women aren’t putting anything on display except skimpy clothing and fake boobs then maybe you have a point.

Cameron says:

I can’t help but comment on this discussion. Simply concentrating on Paul’s comments…..

“Sure there maybe some beautiful women that are with pathetic guys”

Personally I’ve never seen a beautiful woman with a pathetic guy, women are very good at picking the right mate, cool guys who have a lot going for them. I’ve seen beautiful women with guys who aren’t that good looking, but never with “pathetic” guys.

“No, beautiful pretty much date who they want and when they want and quite a number date more than one.”

Maybe I need to get out more but all the truly desirable women I know have boyfriends, sure they are a few that like to date around, but they tend to be less mature and desirable in my opinion.

Lee says:

@Cameron That’s my experience, as well. Very beautiful women tend to be more secure and need less validation from men, just as very handsome men tend to be more secure and need less validation from women. That’s why the most beautiful women are actually the easiest to approach. They may not be available. They may have very high standards. Their beauty may make you nervous. But the chances that they will say something nasty to you just to make themselves feel good are much lower, and if you do qualify as a potential suitor, then the conversations tend to go much better because these are women with a lifetime of flirting experience. –Lee

One problem that permeates the community is the fact that most people on here (including me a lot of the time)

usually ignore the fact that ‘beauty’ has almost nothing to do with value. It’s ironic, since that’s what we’re always trying to get guys to understand—but we don’t apply it to women.

Look. Hot women may be with pathetic guys, they may not. Some hot women are insecure and need validation from rich, famous people. Some hot people are really secure and are just looking for a connection. Some want Charlie Sheen. Some want a physics professor. Generally the ones who want Charlie Sheen aren’t worth touching with a 10 foot pole (so to speak ;)

True story: I got asked out by a semi-finalist in the Miss England pageant. I said no, because she was 10 years younger than me, and not the most secure person in the world. She actually had a lot to offer, but she was so obsessed with whether or not people found her attractive she played down the other characteristics.

The community as a whole really need to make a move towards assessing women as people and responding accordingly rather than try to model how they’ll act according to how attractive we perceive them to be…

my 2 cents.

Eric Disco says:

the chances that they will say something nasty to you just to make themselves feel good are much lower, and if you do qualify as a potential suitor, then the conversations tend to go much better because these are women with a lifetime of flirting experience.

I’ve noticed that the more of an asshole I am to women, the nicer and more polite they are to me. It’s particularly noticeable online where women respond to certain messages. When they respond to more of an assholish message, they tend to be more polite (although there is a bit lower response rate). When they respond to nice guy messages, they tend to be more contrite.

One problem that permeates the community is the fact that most people on here (including me a lot of the time) usually ignore the fact that ‘beauty’ has almost nothing to do with value.

I feel like men actually respond a lot more to value than they realize. Most girls tend to dress a lot better than guys, and overall have a better grasp on fashion. When you see a ‘hot’ girl, it’s easy to think it’s just her physical beauty. But in actuality, you are taking into account how well she takes care of herself, even though you may not realize it.

I once got into a converation with a very hot homeless girl without realizing she was homeless at first. When I looked closer I realized she was dirty. It grossed me out. While obviously you wouldn’t want to date a dirty girl, most men take care of themselves a lot less than women do. When you see a ‘hot’ girl, a large part of it is that she’s dolled up, she has great clothes, her make-up and style is awesome (her make-up is probably even in style, as fashion comes and goes when it comes to make-up as well).

Eric

Paul says:

Look I think everyone here is missing the core point of this.

Hot women have options. TONS of options. Just like a guy with $50,000 has the option to buy just about any car he wants, hot women/beautiful have the same. Its just like when women go shopping. They shop for men as well. I can’t disagree in that they do, its just being human. So the question is, how does an average guy like me date a hot women? I have never found it. Its not Mystery Method, its not personality, its not anything beyond material – its ALL material.

Eric – whether they dress great or not, some women are just hot. These women know it and sure use it to their advantage. You know that. The point here is that if we truly believe all this evolutionary stuff that guys like Brad P, Mystery and the rest of the community says is pure doctrine, the we must surmise that hot women will pick the best of the litter in order to survive and for their off spring to survive. Hence, hot women will date more than one guy in order to survive. Why would a hot woman date an average guy? There is no reason nor is there any truth to it. Why because he is smart? He makes her laugh? Thats crap. No, she will date a better looking man because he is handsome, tall or has some kind of social benefit – ie wealth or status.

Pathetic? I should have clarified I meant pathetic by personality. Yes there are tons of guys that are devoid of personality but that makes no difference. Women do not care about personality. Its the last thing they look for. Do you think a woman looks a guy and says “wow he has large personality, gosh I cant wait to meet him.” Its all about looks and money so why would they care about personality.

Cameron says:

your just playing the victim Paul….its so boring and predictable.

@Paul–I think you need more help than you’ll be able to find her.

I shared your mentality for a long time (probably 10-12 years)–and managed to (mostly) clear it. The thing that made me realize that what I wanted was attainable, and that I didn’t have to hate all women, was the weird observation that there were a few times a year when I didn’t particularly care about women, or how I came across–and those times I ended up at least on a few dates with really attractive women–two or three of whom asked me out.

Once I realized that my own view of myself wasn’t in line with the reality of the world (and this is very hard to realize–for me it was years, not weeks or months)

Things improved enormously.

Hopefully you’ll get there. But the back and forth you’re having with us on the forum can’t help you (I’ve done the same things)–it may make the situation worse.

I’d advise leaving the forum for at least 2-3 months, try to see where all the negative feelings/low self-esteem are coming from, and try to get to the level where you at least accept the fact that, if you want, you can lose those negative feelings.

It’s a long (and ongoing) process…but well worth it. Good luck.

KL says:

“Its all about looks and money so why would they care about personality.”

KL says:

“Its all about looks and money so why would they care about personality.”

If it was all about looks and money then the best looking richest men would have all the hot women. They don’t. Aint it a bitch when the facts don’t square with your assumptions.

A great example is Neil Strauss. Everybody needs to check out this before and after picture of him if they haven’t already:

http://thebestten.files.wordpress.com/2009/12/neil-strauss-before-and-after.jpg

After his “transformation” he looks like 100 years younger and like 100 times cooler, lol.

Same man, same face, same body, totally different attitude, different lifestyle, different energy and different style.

Lee says:

@Paul For the Pauls of this world, below is a link to a post in the forums on this site. Slim is writing about his journey – from zero to hero. From almost the beginning, Slim has been posting his questions to this site, so unlike the mysterious before and after stories that we usually read about, you can see his evolution simply by going back in the history of this forum. First, read this post, then, if you don’t believe that Slim is telling the truth, have the balls to call him a liar right here, to his face (so to speak):

http://approachanxiety.com/forum/topic.php?id=1925#post-8607

KL says:

Lee, I’ve got news for you. Slim is tall, which means Paul will just chalk everything up to his height.

Paul won’t be satisfied until he sees a sewer rat have a threesome with porn stars.

Personally, I think Slim’s story is fantastic. He has really pushed himself and gotten solid results.

Mickey says:

Far be it from me to call Slim a liar; on the contrary – God Bless him!!!

The problem, as I see it, is that once a guy gets shot down so many times he gets demoralized to the point that approaching becomes an exercise in futility and guaranteed failure.

Sadly, this is a feeling I can certainly relate to, and all the “rah rah” speeches in the world can’t fix it.

Lee says:

@Mickey That’s exactly what Slim and PuaJay would have said before their transformations, and now they’re posting here to tell us about their happy lives and their amazing conquests. The first step for someone who hasn’t experienced success is to accept that success is real, if only for a small number of extraordinarily committed men. After that, all things are possible. –Lee

Cameron says:

Lee’s right, the problem is that most men see failing as a personal failure, when really it’s a necessary step for success,

I know its cheesy and you’ve heard it a thousand times, but if you’ve heard it a thousand times and never really listened then you’ve never heard it:

you have to accept that your going to fail (a lot) and love yourself for trying. Seen in this context every rejection just takes you on step closer to that amazing woman/ multiple relationships/ mega pussyultrakill

Mickey says:

Lee & Cameron:

Your points are well taken. However, if one accepts the proposition that success is only for a few, then, to use the baseball analogy, the successful guys are the New York Yankees and the rest are the St. Louis Browns.

So what do you do when you’re playing for the St. Louis Browns seeing the Yankees in the World Series every year & the Browns are mathematically eliminated on May 1?

Lee says:

@Mickey The point is that three months ago, both Slim and PuaJay thought they were the St. Louis Browns. Now, they’re definitely the Yankees. What changed? They’re not better looking. They’re not richer. What changed is that they have better game. They’re living proof that game works, and everyone who thinks otherwise is calling them liars. –Lee

Mickey says:

Fellas:

I agree that success does exist, even if it is way off in the distance. Again, I do believe that Slim, PUA-Jay, Eric, & others have legitimate success stories, and I applaud them for it. God bless them.

Not all of us are that fortunate, I’m afraid. Sadly, for every team that wins the World Series, Super Bowl, Stanley Cup, & NBA Finals, there is also a team that finishes dead last.

I’ve seen some version of this discourse from my time in college almost 30 years ago (I’m nearly 50 now). So, my experience has been a lot closer to last place finishes than anything resembling “pick up” success.

Admittedly, pick-up success hasn’t come close enough to me to even laugh at me. So my question is: how many times can one endure a winless streak before finally deciding to throw in the sponge?

Swoop says:

Disco,

Thank you so much for your insightful posts like these. When I was single about a year ago I had been reading this site for a while and managed to fine a girl who deserved me.

Then throw some kinks into the equation and I started to get jealous, none of the dark looking through her phone or computer, but just that wondering and nagging feeling that I know she could feel, and I’m positive it caused her to lose some attraction for me.

In the end, I broke it off about a month ago because I could tell it wasn’t healthy, and we put forth the suggestion that we could get back together in the future.

The key is, had I been keeping up with this site and your advice and posts, I don’t think I would have slipped that far anyway.

This blog is where I always come to feel centered, in control, and absolutely confident that I have the tools, I have the skill, and I have the power to attract quality women by being myself.

Thank you for that

Blaz says:

Everything disco says in his post is correct. Don’t check the phone. Live your life. Hos come to you.

Mickey says:

“Hos come to you”
Sure they do.

LEAVE A COMMENT