My first relationship with a woman was a mess. I succeeded in making us both very, very unhappy.

I made us unhappy because I was such a wussy.

This girl was madly in love with me. And she acted that way around me.

When you are with a girl who is madly in love with you, it’s easy to feel secure, act aloof, and make her come to you.

These are all great dominant traits to exhibit in a relationship.

So one might think the fact that she was in love with me made me the dominant one in the relationship.

If you thought that, you would be wrong.

Just because a girl is more into you than you are into her, does not make you dominant in the relationship. It helps, but it’s not the end of the story.

Here’s where this can go wrong.

The guy rationalizes that the girl is into him, so he stops trying. This makes the girl take a lot more initiative.

Again, a girl taking initiative is not necessarily a bad thing in and of itself. This generally puts the guy in the driver seat.

The problem was, I stopped trying on all accounts. I stopped making decisions. I stopped sticking up for myself because, after all, she was obviously the weaker one.

And due to what I thought was my own strength, I let her get away with whatever she wanted.

If she called me up at 2 AM simply because she felt lonely and wanted to talk, I stayed on the phone with her as long as she wanted. Even if this happened several nights a week.

If she got mad at me for something minor and retarded, I would apologize until I was blue in the face. I did a lot of apologizing just to get her to feel better.

If she wanted to go somewhere or do something, I was always cool with it. Why not? I was a laid back guy.

In general, you may be a laid back guy. Maybe you are cool with a lot of stuff. Maybe you are truly fine with the things she wants to do.

Ultimately, though, being cool with everything is a false kind of strength. It’s a passivity that will end up making both of you very unhappy.

There are certain times when a girl will try to get away with things. She may:

• Boss you around
• Overstep boundaries in terms of being offensive
• Ask you one too many time if you can go to her favorite restaurant instead of yours
• Ask you to stay over her place three times in a row instead of coming over yours
• Make plans for both of you too many times
• Get upset at stupid stuff

No matter how cool this girl is, she will intermittently test your power in the relationship. She’ll see what she can get away with.

There will never be a time when she stops doing this. She may not do it for a few days/weeks/months. But eventually she will do it at some point. It’s in her nature. She’s a woman. That’s what they do.

Her testing of your power in the relationship is an attraction mechanism. She’s asking herself–and you–should I still be attracted?

To see if you are still attracted to her, you may check to see whether she’s gained weight, whether she still takes care of herself, or whether she still has friends and does interesting things.

She’ll check you for these things too. But the main thing she’ll check is whether you are still in control of the relationship. That will be the main criteria of her attraction for you.

One could say that you’re dominant because you’re letting her get away with stuff and you don’t care. But true dominance in a relationship is determined by who defines the relationship.

No matter how much she’s into you, you still need to show her some boundaries. You’ll need to show her you’re your own man and that she can’t walk all over you.

How can you do this?

Say No once in a while. This includes exerting your preference (I don’t feel like eating there) or I’d rather do something else.

You should regularly practice doing this, just to do it. If you never exert your preference, it can feel like you have no preference. Not sexy.

Don’t let her take the lead too many times. It’s great when a girl plans events, but if she makes plans more than two times in a row, you need to step in there and make plans yourself.

If you don’t know how to find cool and interesting things to do in your city, you should make it a priority to learn. This is one of the most important things a guy can do.

Show her some boundaries. The other day I was with a girl in bed. We were both drunk and about to have sex. She said something that offended me so I turned over and stopped fooling around with her.

“Stop playing games,” she said.

“I’m not playing games,” I told her. “This is for real.”

And it was for real. I was ready to not fuck her if she offended me.

When she steps over the line–and they always do eventually, no matter how well-behaved they are–you have to pull away. Take away the prize: you.

Be the bad boy. I’m at a gallery opening with a girl. We’re looking at photography. It’s nudes in various positions. It’s not very good.

“I’m not feeling this stuff too much.” I tell her. “But I like the naked ladies.”

“Of course you do,” she responds.

Around her, I play the letch. I avoid being the nice, mature guy. My role, usually in levity, is that I always want sex. She’s generally more pristine, and I push her out of her comfort zone.

Don’t let her get away with bossing you around. She will try it at some point. They always do.

A girl I’m seeing asks me to pick up a carton of milk on the way over to her place. No problem. I can do that.

I get there and she says, “Put that in the refrigerator.”

Whenever she starts to get even close to bossing me around, I shut it down.

She doesn’t want to be dominant. It makes her feel unsexy and unfeminine. But she will be dominant if you let her get away with it.

Sometimes I simply don’t do what she asked. Sometimes I pretend I didn’t hear her. And sometimes I throw it back in her face.

“Wow. I’m your bitch now? How does that work? I’m terrible at following directions.”

When you’re with a girl, she wants to see your strength. She wants to see your personality. That’s what makes her most attracted to you.

And that strength and personality often shines through the brightest when you’re challenging her.