The Biggest Shift in Improving Confidence

by Eric Disco
Apr 1

There are a number of specific things I teach my clients in each session of my mentoring program.

However, it is really easy for guys to get overwhelmed.

You can’t tell a guy ten different things at once, or he’ll get lost in thought instead of focusing on action.

And he won’t be able to absorb it. It’s like trying to drink from a fire hose.

That’s why I am very careful to only give him one piece of improvement feedback for every interaction–the most important piece that will help him at the time.

I may tell them, “You need to speak louder.” And then explain why and how to implement that.

There are many things I would like to teach them in a particular session.

I try to not always make them negative.

So let’s say I need to teach him how to maintain eye contact, sometimes I will wait until he does it right to tell him, “I really like what you did there,” and then explain the concept.

This is positive re-enforcing behavior.

Guys do not get enough of this when they work on their own.

It’s often very difficult for guys to see what they did right. Instead, they are only focused on what they did wrong and what they could do better.

This is one of the most important aspects to becoming confident.

You learn to shift your thinking from constantly evaluating what you could have done better to what you did right.

Sure, when you get a phone number, it feels good. Part of this process is bragging to friends about what you did or writing it up on your blog.

“Oh my god, I said this to the girl and she LIT UP!” Awesome.

You also want to start to do this at a micro level, independently of outcomes.

When you see a very hot girl on a train and you simply ask her for directions, it’s too easy to think to yourself, “I should have done more! She responded positively to me, why didn’t I take it to the next level?”

So you’ve taken initiative, which is a great thing, but now you’re beating yourself up over it.

This sets up a negative cycle.

Next time you go to take initiative you’ll have that emotional recording in your mind, always berating you for what you could have done better.

It’s so easy to beat yourself up no matter what your accomplishment is.

You got her to smile, but you’re mad at yourself because you didn’t get her phone number.

You got her phone number, but you’re disappointed because you didn’t get a date.

You got a date, but you feel let down because you didn’t go for the make-out.

You made out with her on the date, but you think you should have tried to get her back to your place.

She slept with you, but now you’re not sure whether you’ll see her again.

Every step of the way, you want to start to shift your focus to positive re-enforcement.

If you took initiative at all, look at what you did right before you look at what you could have done better.

Part of this can be done with positive self-talk. (see I’ve Got Fucking Balls)

But a huge part of this is simply noticing when you’re beating yourself up and instead, thinking, what did I do right?

…..


“I’ve spent more than ten thousand dollars on coaching from various companies and nothing has been as effective as three months of approach anxiety coaching from Eric.” – Sachin

Don’t let another gorgeous spring day pass you by without meeting a beautiful new woman.

Sign up for my Charismatic Confidence Mentoring Program. Space is limited and slots are filling up fast!

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posted in Self-Improvement Strategies

COMMENTS
10 responses
Cameron says:

Great post Eric, I know I used to beat myself up a lot and it didn’t do me any good.

It really takes a lot to succeed at this game and it starts by loving yourself and congratulating yourself on every small step.

Eric Disco says:

Thanks, Cameron!

Sachin says:

Hey Eric – Thanks for your coaching. Last Saturday I was able to pick up a woman and bring her back to my apartment on the same day in 3 hours. After having fun I asked what made her wanted to see me and her answer was I was just comfortable and fearless when I was talking to her at the grocery store. She mentioned there are guys who would ask her friend to ask her out.

Before Eric’s coaching I already had build a lifestyle and was living in an amazing part of town where I was surrounded by beautiful women but I would struggle approaching them. After the coaching I just walk through my life and talk to women every where and slowly and gradually seeing the results I had dreamed about when I started taking coaching.

Since I didn’t live in NYC I traveled to NYC once a month and did 2 coaching lessons. During the whole 3 months Eric would reply to my email within 24 hours and took the time to talk to me especially after an incident when I went for a date for 5 hours and suddenly decided to escalate at the end of 5 hours which freaked the girl but caused me great pain as it was my first date after ages.

I still haven’t reached where I want to be yet – dating multiple beautiful women but at least now I can talk to a girl without anxiety and know what is an emotional connection which separate me from every other man she has met before. I had conversation with 10′s and they told me same thing that they appreciate I genuinely wanted to know them.

Bro I miss all the coaching lessons over Sushi.

Sachin

My firm belief about true (not just tactical) confidence in the dating field is this:

If you can feel that, even if NO ONE will ever go out with you, sleep with you, or be attracted to you for the rest of your life, you’re STILL sexually appealing…

then you’ve won the game. (you’ll also get a lot of girls ;)

This sounds like a paradox…but it isn’t.

Stephen says:

@goodyear

if no one will go out with you, sleep with you then how will you get a lot of girls? lol

steve

Cameron says:

I think thats a great point GoodYearBlimp, although easily misunderstood.

I remember Robbie made me do this exercise called the “collecting no’s exercise” which really made a big difference for me.

Being outcome-independent can make a huge difference.

The thing is, everyone in the community knows that but you end up forgetting it when your talking to a hot girl cause you have so much else to think about.

Just going out with the aim of being outcome independent can be such a breakthrough.

Lee says:

@GoodyearBlimp I agree with Cameron. In the end, the mindset you are describing is called outcome independence. But how is it possible to be outcome independent? At first, it may not seem rational to want something of value, fail to get it, and feel no sense of loss. This is where one of the most subtle principles of game becomes important. What is it that we want from a woman? Is it just her beauty, or do we want more? I submit to you that we want her to return all of the sexual and emotional interest that we give her. That is part of the fundamental value that we seek. And if we don’t get it from her, we should correctly come to the conclusion that this woman is not good enough for us. To put it simply, if she doesn’t want us, we should not want her. That is how a man can be outcome independent. When his approach confirms that this is not the woman who will return his interest, she ceases to be of value to him, and hence he walks away having lost nothing. Knowing that you will never be rejected by a woman in whom you have a healthy interest – an interest based, to a large extent, on her reciprocal interest in you – you will have the confidence to approach any woman, no matter how beautiful.

Iva Dyn says:

awesome post! I found this to be one of the core patterns in my own behavior and that of many people in general. We want to become better, so we focus on the negative. However, that attracts even more negative into our lives. It can be a FUNDAMENTAL shift if you change your perspective as above. Try it and see how your life changes!

Steve–

You’re reading too literally–the idea is you have to FEEL a certain way even if external things tell you something different. But for me I’m not able to just tell myself to feel that way–I have to REALLY feel that way. And that’s taken a long time.

The ‘outcome independence’ that Cameron and Lee are talking about–well, it turns out that it really had nothing to do with women in my case—that was just a symptom. It’s really an inability to fully EXPERIENCE myself being free that was causing the hold-back (I’m not there yet but I’m very close). And the biggest gains I’ve made have nothing to do with practice, or approaching–it’s really about understanding the things that hold you back. Self-therapy, really.

For me, at least…obviously I can’t speak for anyone else

José says:

“There’s no magic pill”, huh…? I see the closest thing right here.
Thanks a million for your blog and your e-book, Eric.

I always thought I wasn’t ready or able to learn this stuff. Turns out I just needed the best material available.

The daily exercise doesn’t even take long.

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