There are a number of specific things I teach my clients in each session of my mentoring program.
However, it is really easy for guys to get overwhelmed.
You can’t tell a guy ten different things at once, or he’ll get lost in thought instead of focusing on action.
And he won’t be able to absorb it. It’s like trying to drink from a fire hose.
That’s why I am very careful to only give him one piece of improvement feedback for every interaction–the most important piece that will help him at the time.
I may tell them, “You need to speak louder.” And then explain why and how to implement that.
There are many things I would like to teach them in a particular session.
I try to not always make them negative.
So let’s say I need to teach him how to maintain eye contact, sometimes I will wait until he does it right to tell him, “I really like what you did there,” and then explain the concept.
This is positive re-enforcing behavior.
It’s often very difficult for guys to see what they did right. Instead, they are only focused on what they did wrong and what they could do better.
This is one of the most important aspects to becoming confident.
You learn to shift your thinking from constantly evaluating what you could have done better to what you did right.
Sure, when you get a phone number, it feels good. Part of this process is bragging to friends about what you did or writing it up on your blog.
“Oh my god, I said this to the girl and she LIT UP!” Awesome.
You also want to start to do this at a micro level, independently of outcomes.
When you see a very hot girl on a train and you simply ask her for directions, it’s too easy to think to yourself, “I should have done more! She responded positively to me, why didn’t I take it to the next level?”
So you’ve taken initiative, which is a great thing, but now you’re beating yourself up over it.
This sets up a negative cycle.
Next time you go to take initiative you’ll have that emotional recording in your mind, always berating you for what you could have done better.
You got her to smile, but you’re mad at yourself because you didn’t get her phone number.
You got her phone number, but you’re disappointed because you didn’t get a date.
You got a date, but you feel let down because you didn’t go for the make-out.
You made out with her on the date, but you think you should have tried to get her back to your place.
She slept with you, but now you’re not sure whether you’ll see her again.
Every step of the way, you want to start to shift your focus to positive re-enforcement.
If you took initiative at all, look at what you did right before you look at what you could have done better.
Part of this can be done with positive self-talk. (see I’ve Got Fucking Balls)
But a huge part of this is simply noticing when you’re beating yourself up and instead, thinking, what did I do right?
“I’ve spent more than ten thousand dollars on coaching from various companies and nothing has been as effective as three months of approach anxiety coaching from Eric.” – Sachin
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posted in Self-Improvement StrategiesCOMMENTS