How to be a True Alpha Male
by 
Eric Disco
Pop quiz. Who is more of an alpha male?
A) A commando. 6 foot 6, 265 pounds of muscle. Trained in the deadliest forms of combat. Over 30 kills. Hasn’t t felt an emotion since 1997.
B) Justin Bieber.
The answer may surprise you.
It’s Justin Beiber.
Why?
People throw around the phrase alpha male, but there is a lot of misconception about what an alpha male actually is.
To say alpha male tends to conjure up images of high school football players bullying other kids in the class.
Or muscle-head jocks in Tap-Out shirts getting into fights outside bars.
That’s actually not the alpha male.
The alpha is the individual at the top of the social hierarchy.
Most animals are social in some way. They form hierarchies in order to stay together as a group.
In most social animals, the hierarchy is based on threat.
In wolves, for example, the toughest wolf is at the top of the hierarchy. The alpha wolf is the wolf that can win in a fight with all the other wolves.
The alpha male gets first preference at resources such as food and first preference in mating. In some species, the alpha is the only one allowed to mate.
The human equivalent of the most physically dominating individual might be the commando.
But this commando, who can kill a man in a hundred different ways, is actually not as high on the human social hierarchy as Justin Bieber.
Think about it. Who has more attention, more access to resources, more wealth, and more mating opportunities?
Justin Bieber.
This is because as human beings, our status is not based primarily on threat and fear.
Humans (as well as chimpanzees) have evolved from a social hierarchy based on threat into a social hierarchy based on attraction.
In Depression: the Evolution of Powerlessness, Paul Gilbert writes
Attention structure is a crucial idea for understanding subsequent phylogenetic changes to human ranking and networking behavior. Surely one of the most important changes that has taken place in human ranking behavior is the shift from asymmetries derived from power and threat to asymmetries of attractiveness.
In our contests of beauty (note that we use the term beauty contests), in our examination rooms and in sports, in our art and literature, and in our race to win Nobel Prizes, to be recognized and valued by others, what is being competed for here is positive attention, admiration, and prestige. That is, there is a desire to express ourselves with the aim of gaining recognition of having made a positive contribution and/or of having talents/attributes; that is, we are valued. We have institutionalized this by setting up various arenas that allow people to show us what they can do.
Human beings are ranked primarily for their ability to contribute to society and lesser so for their ability to physically dominate other humans.
This means that the true alphas in our society are Nobel Prize winners, successful entertainers and artists, wealthy businessmen, and politicians whom we elect based on their ability to contribute meaningfully and lead others.
While most of us aren’t rich or famous, understanding human hierarchy can inform our interpersonal skills in a valuable way.
We can look at three levels of confidence.
Omega. The least confident. Think of a nerdy guy with no friends who stays home all the time alone on his computer.
Betas. They have a dominance that omegas lack, but not as much attraction as alphas. An example might be a dumb, angry police officer.
Alphas. They have a dominance and also a way of getting people to like them or value them. An example might be a well-liked boss or business owner.
Some traits of the human alpha:
The alpha is a leader. He has some way of getting people to like him or to follow him. He usually does this through attraction rather than threat.
The alpha has a way of making people feel good about themselves. Or he can offer something that people find valuable.
The alpha is generally not submissive. Think of the way a friendly parent talks with a child or younger person, rather than how a child addresses a parent.
Let’s look at a number of different real-world examples of how an alpha, beta and omega would act.
His roommate is a slob and it’s a problem.
Omega: Doesn’t say anything.
Beta: Confronts his roommate angrily.
Alpha: Compliments his roommate first and asks how they could work together to keep the place neater.
His body language while standing.
Omega: He makes himself as small as possible. He tries to hide. His hands are in his pockets. He tries to take up as little space as possible.
Beta: He stands confident, ready to fight. His feet are shoulder-width apart. He is symmetrical, like he’s pissing in a urinal. He’s like a gunfighter about to draw his guns.
Alpha: His legs are spread and he’s taking up room, but he’s asymmetrical with open body language. (See the Statue of David). He’s relaxed rather than self-protective. After all, what does he have to worry about? Everyone likes him.
Someone makes fun of him. “That’s shirt is so gay!”
Omega: Ignores it.
Beta: Gets angry or makes fun of the person back. “Fuck you, you homo! Your shoes are even gayer!”
Alpha: Agrees and amplifies. “I know, right? It’s the gayest shirt I could find. I asked but they said they didn’t have anything gayer in stock, so I went with this one.”
He calls up his bank to have an erroneous charge removed.
Omega: Asks demurely to have it removed
Beta: Demands that it be removed or “heads are gonna roll!”
Alpha: Chats up the person on the phone in a friendly manner, wins them over and then talks about the charge.
He’s walking through a club with his girl and some guy grabs her ass.
Omega: Doesn’t do anything.
Beta: Confronts the guy angrily.
Alpha: Confronts the guy angrily.
This last one was a trick question. One of the traits of the alpha is that he can dominate and be aggressive in certain situations.
It does not mean he never gets angry, it means he’s slow to anger.
This is key.
A lot of guys try to make the transition from omega to alpha. They do it by trying to be as friendly as possible. The problem is that they can’t assert dominance when they need to.
This dominance does not need to be physical dominance in a fight, but means a willingness to be confrontational if the situation calls for it.
I’ve talked before about gaining that 10% dominance. For some nice guys, that can make all the difference.
If you can’t assert yourself when challenged, then making people feel good about themselves will prove to be a futile effort.
There are two main points to take away from this in terms of being the alpha through interpersonal behavior.
1) Don’t be submissive.
The omega operates from a strategy of submissiveness. He thinks that if he can act low enough, people will like him, or at least won’t harm him.
This leaves him trapped at the bottom of the hierarchy. By not being submissive, you are no longer the omega.
2) Make people feel good about themselves.
It’s one thing to stop being a niceguy/doormat/pushover and be able to assert your confidence.
But this is only half the equation.
A true alpha knows how to make people feel good about themselves. He wins them over rather than just asserting himself.
Posted in Self-Improvement Strategies | 
71 Comments »
Self-confidence came first. Before there was ever fame or wealth or political power, people operated in small groups led by self-confident, charismatic individuals.
Eric
@Lee. It is easy for you to say to Rham that he is making mistakes. You have both status and good looks. One of my friends that have done some training with you described you as the quintisential RL/Tommy Hilfiger type of guy with good looks. Plus you have a very good job and education.
I think these to factors are 90 % of your game. They give you the self-confidence.
Overall is there a social alpha (bieber) and a physical alpha (commando)?
@Arne I am very normal looking. I’m tall and skinny, but my posture’s not great. I’m 46 and I look it. When I meet chicks, I tell them I’m a teacher, which is hardly a high status job. Of course, I put it in a way that makes them laugh their asses off, but that is something anyone can do. I have a great sense of style, which makes me look a lot more attractive than I am. And I know how to rock it, which is what the game is all about. Other than my skills, I have no advantage over most of you. 15 sets is not a lot to begin with. Meaning, I have gone 15 sets without results. Not often, but it happens. However, if I were to take on Rham’s attitude, 100 sets wouldn’t be enough. Don’t you know how easy it is for women to tell whether we believe we’re going to succeed or fail with them? Anyone who thinks that simply going through the motions of a sarge is going to get them a number is nuts. This game is about rocking it, and you can’t rock it unless you really, truly believe you can.
On the subject of wealth, here is a simple experiment you can perform if you think chicks really think wealth is so important. Lie. Lie your ass off. Do the same approaches you’ve been doing, but tell chicks you run a department at an investment bank, or you’re the regional director for Ferrari America, or whatever other job implies similar compensation. Yes, you will be found out, but not until she has time to do a little research, which is not going to happen while you’re standing right there in front of her. What’s the point of all this? The point is not to start a relationship with a lie. The point is to convince yourself that nothing, absolutely nothing will change when she thinks you’re rich. If you’re fucking it up now, you’ll still fuck it up, and the fact that she thinks you’re rich is not going to help you. Once you’ve convinced yourself of this fact, you can stop lying to women and work on your game.
Oh thank you!
Teaching is high status work because it entails intellectual capital and leadership, which when put up against money, takes dominance.
It also gives you by it’s very nature 30 different people to interact with each day, so when you get off work your confidence is already halfway there.
I agree with the rest though.
@Lee in this interview you say you work in IB (investment banking)? Not as a teacher.
http://approachanxiety.com/audio/approachanxiety.com-lee.mp3
@Arne I am a math prof, dude. I teach grad school in a university’s math finance program. I do other things, too, but when I meet girls, I try to keep it simple. “I teach the secret language of the universe. Do you know what that is? It’s called mathematics. You like math? No? Oh, that’s a shame. When I meet a woman who will whisper the word ‘heuristics’ to me during lovemaking… there’s a five carat diamond under my bed and I can reach it without breaking the tempo of lovemaking…” Dude, when you figure out a way to make what you do this funny and sexy, you’ll understand that money’s not required to get hot chicks to dig you.
Lee: I love all your posts. You have a fan in me, keep fighting the good fight. :-)
@Cameron Thanks, bro. It means a lot.
Haha, heuristics, good stuff. I wonder if the same thing can be done with cleaning jobs though! :P
@Lee, nothing against you. You write and say a lot of sensible stuff. Not taken out of thin air like some people in the “community”. In my experience people that are good with women, have a thing on the side their good at, in academics, sports, business, etc. Like you!
@Arne Yeah, I’m good at a bunch of stuff. You’re probably good at a bunch of stuff, too. But my whole pickup is seven minutes long, so just about all I get to say to women about what I do is what I wrote in that previous post. There are much more important topics to hit on: Family and childhood, where we came from and how we got where we are, relationships and sex. Between what she says and what I say, there isn’t really time to show a video of my dance lesson or tell her how I love to sketch. All those things are going to make a difference in a relationship, but not in the pickup. You can’t fake an interesting life, and ultimately, desirable women are going to want to be with a man who has an interesting life. However, when guys complain, it’s typically about meeting — not keeping — desirable women, and that has nothing to do with how much I make or all of my interests and hobbies. It has to do with how I make her feel in those first seven minutes. The things you can change in that interaction are much more important than the things you can’t change.
How do you confront a guy angrily for groping your girlfriend without getting stabbed/slashed?
-betamax
GUN, (just be prepared to use it).
“How do you confront a guy angrily for groping your girlfriend without getting stabbed/slashed?”
You can chat up the person in a friendly manner, and win him over, duh! Winning!
Just kidding.
Here’s what I think (and keep in mind I am below-average in height for a man, so physical conflict is not exactly my forte):
1. Don’t get a girlfriend–keep everything casual. Problem solved.
2. If you do get a girlfriend, don’t take her to places where large psychotic men with knives hang around… take her to nice, classy places instead
3. Much of dominance comes down to the energy you project; think of the classic image of the diminutive gangster flanked by meatheads–the smaller guy has all the power, and acts like it, while the larger stronger guys are lower-status and must act submissive to him; if you project this dominant energy everywhere you go, most men are not tempted to pick on you or anyone with you
4. If you or your girl are picked on, then confront, and be ready to defend yourself; if you’re in a nice place with security somewhere in the background, you should feel safe taking a chance like this; I’m willing to get a black eye if ultimately the other guy is arrested
5. If you are attacked, do your best to fight back; if he’s larger or better armed than you, kick him in the nuts, spit in his eyes, and run away with your girlfriend; she does NOT want you to fight, it’s not a pleasant experience for a woman… and if she does want you to fight, then you must dump her
Also, a tip: don’t ever get drunk in public. The kind of guy who slaps a random girl’s ass is probably so drunk he can’t think straight. This gives you an advantage even if he’s larger than you, because you can react quicker and more rationally than he can.
Fuck that confrontation crap. Here is my rule for dealing with trouble in bars: Unless my girl or my friends are in immediate danger of real injury – not insults, not a slap on the butt, not mockery, but real danger – my first priority is to get them out of there quickly and quietly. Even if we are in danger of real physical injury, I have to ask myself what course of action has the best chance of getting us out of harm’s way as quickly as possible. If jumping in has a real chance of putting us in greater danger, being alpha means staying calm and doing the smart thing, which could be getting the bouncer or calling the cops. When you’re sitting in the emergency room waiting for you nose to be reset and your forehead stitched and your girl is asking you why you had to get into that mess just because someone copped a feel, you better have an explanation that is less stupid than “I’m alpha!” Yes, there will be girls who want you to jump in. Worse, there will be girls who talk shit or otherwise escalate the hostilities until you have to jump in. Do everything possible to avoid it. Apologize. Tell them your girl is drunk. Do whatever is necessary to get out of there as quickly and quietly as possible. Alpha, in this case, means that your sense of self is strong enough to walk away from a fight. Look at these incidents as an opportunity to figure out what kind of girl you’re with. If you’re with the kind of girl who doesn’t want you to make the right decision – if you’re with the kind of girl who is willing to put you in physical danger just to feed her own ego – brother, take the next Greyhound out of town and don’t look back.
whoever wrote that this ‘alpha terminology has to go’ should shut the hell up. Good article.
This reclassification of gender roles is exactly what’s causing our society to disintegrate. Justin Beiber is NOT an ‘alpha male!’ An alpha male can still contribute to society without necessarily having to dominate other people. He is strong, fearless, literally ready to go toe-to-toe with anyone who tries to interfere with his lifestyle.
If you don’t fit this description, that’s fine. You can learn to be more assertive in your dealings with people, but if you’ve ever sat by watching another man flirt with your girlfriend or wife, you’ve never been an alpha male and you never will be one. Our society is changing quickly, and the role females and males play is quickly changing. That being said, don’t EVER let women tell you that ‘gender roles are just a social construct.’
If that were really the case, what society ‘constructed’ them, and when? This ‘assignment’ was anything BUT arbitrary. Take manhood back. You don’t have to be stupid to be an alpha male – that’s also stigmatizing the term. But you can’t let ANYONE walk over you, or let any peers tell you what to do. Fight for your dominance, don’t ‘compliment and suggest an alternative.’
The whole “alpha” “Beta” etc crap is really offputting. There is, IMO, some useful stuff here, but the terminology is, IMO, not very useful when talking about humans.