How to be a True Alpha Male

by Eric Disco
Feb 26

seal2beiber2Pop quiz. Who is more of an alpha male?

A) A commando. 6 foot 6, 265 pounds of muscle. Trained in the deadliest forms of combat. Over 30 kills. Hasn’t t felt an emotion since 1997.

B) Justin Bieber.

The answer may surprise you.

It’s Justin Beiber.

Why?

People throw around the phrase alpha male, but there is a lot of misconception about what an alpha male actually is.

To say alpha male tends to conjure up images of high school football players bullying other kids in the class.

Or muscle-head jocks in Tap-Out shirts getting into fights outside bars.

That’s actually not the alpha male.

The alpha is the individual at the top of the social hierarchy.

Most animals are social in some way. They form hierarchies in order to stay together as a group.

In most social animals, the hierarchy is based on threat.

In wolves, for example, the toughest wolf is at the top of the hierarchy. The alpha wolf is the wolf that can win in a fight with all the other wolves.

The alpha male gets first preference at resources such as food and first preference in mating. In some species, the alpha is the only one allowed to mate.

The human equivalent of the most physically dominating individual might be the commando.

But this commando, who can kill a man in a hundred different ways, is actually not as high on the human social hierarchy as Justin Bieber.

Think about it. Who has more attention, more access to resources, more wealth, and more mating opportunities?

Justin Bieber.

This is because as human beings, our status is not based primarily on threat and fear.

Humans (as well as chimpanzees) have evolved from a social hierarchy based on threat into a social hierarchy based on attraction.

In Depression: the Evolution of Powerlessness, Paul Gilbert writes

Attention structure is a crucial idea for understanding subsequent phylogenetic changes to human ranking and networking behavior. Surely one of the most important changes that has taken place in human ranking behavior is the shift from asymmetries derived from power and threat to asymmetries of attractiveness.

In our contests of beauty (note that we use the term beauty contests), in our examination rooms and in sports, in our art and literature, and in our race to win Nobel Prizes, to be recognized and valued by others, what is being competed for here is positive attention, admiration, and prestige. That is, there is a desire to express ourselves with the aim of gaining recognition of having made a positive contribution and/or of having talents/attributes; that is, we are valued. We have institutionalized this by setting up various arenas that allow people to show us what they can do.

Human beings are ranked primarily for their ability to contribute to society and lesser so for their ability to physically dominate other humans.

This means that the true alphas in our society are Nobel Prize winners, successful entertainers and artists, wealthy businessmen, and politicians whom we elect based on their ability to contribute meaningfully and lead others.

While most of us aren’t rich or famous, understanding human hierarchy can inform our interpersonal skills in a valuable way.

We can look at three levels of confidence.

Omega. The least confident. Think of a nerdy guy with no friends who stays home all the time alone on his computer.

Betas. They have a dominance that omegas lack, but not as much attraction as alphas. An example might be a dumb, angry police officer.

Alphas. They have a dominance and also a way of getting people to like them or value them. An example might be a well-liked boss or business owner.

Some traits of the human alpha:

The alpha is a leader. He has some way of getting people to like him or to follow him. He usually does this through attraction rather than threat.

The alpha has a way of making people feel good about themselves. Or he can offer something that people find valuable.

The alpha is generally not submissive. Think of the way a friendly parent talks with a child or younger person, rather than how a child addresses a parent.

Let’s look at a number of different real-world examples of how an alpha, beta and omega would act.

His roommate is a slob and it’s a problem.

Omega: Doesn’t say anything.

Beta: Confronts his roommate angrily.

Alpha: Compliments his roommate first and asks how they could work together to keep the place neater.

His body language while standing.

Omega: He makes himself as small as possible. He tries to hide. His hands are in his pockets. He tries to take up as little space as possible.

Beta: He stands confident, ready to fight. His feet are shoulder-width apart. He is symmetrical, like he’s pissing in a urinal. He’s like a gunfighter about to draw his guns.

Alpha: His legs are spread and he’s taking up room, but he’s asymmetrical with open body language. (See the Statue of David). He’s relaxed rather than self-protective. After all, what does he have to worry about? Everyone likes him.

Someone makes fun of him. “That’s shirt is so gay!”

Omega: Ignores it.

Beta: Gets angry or makes fun of the person back. “Fuck you, you homo! Your shoes are even gayer!”

Alpha: Agrees and amplifies. “I know, right? It’s the gayest shirt I could find. I asked but they said they didn’t have anything gayer in stock, so I went with this one.”

He calls up his bank to have an erroneous charge removed.

Omega: Asks demurely to have it removed

Beta: Demands that it be removed or “heads are gonna roll!”

Alpha: Chats up the person on the phone in a friendly manner, wins them over and then talks about the charge.

He’s walking through a club with his girl and some guy grabs her ass.

Omega: Doesn’t do anything.

Beta: Confronts the guy angrily.

Alpha: Confronts the guy angrily.

This last one was a trick question. One of the traits of the alpha is that he can dominate and be aggressive in certain situations.

It does not mean he never gets angry, it means he’s slow to anger.

This is key.

A lot of guys try to make the transition from omega to alpha. They do it by trying to be as friendly as possible. The problem is that they can’t assert dominance when they need to.

This dominance does not need to be physical dominance in a fight, but means a willingness to be confrontational if the situation calls for it.

I’ve talked before about gaining that 10% dominance. For some nice guys, that can make all the difference.

If you can’t assert yourself when challenged, then making people feel good about themselves will prove to be a futile effort.

There are two main points to take away from this in terms of being the alpha through interpersonal behavior.

1) Don’t be submissive.

The omega operates from a strategy of submissiveness. He thinks that if he can act low enough, people will like him, or at least won’t harm him.

This leaves him trapped at the bottom of the hierarchy. By not being submissive, you are no longer the omega.

2) Make people feel good about themselves.

It’s one thing to stop being a niceguy/doormat/pushover and be able to assert your confidence.

But this is only half the equation.

A true alpha knows how to make people feel good about themselves. He wins them over rather than just asserting himself.

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posted in Self-Improvement Strategies

COMMENTS
82 responses
ZutAlors says:

Good advice–although to be honest I think this ‘alpha’ terminology has to go…it’s derived too much from the animal kingdom and people tend to treat it like that.

During my brief stint with ‘wings’ and ‘pua’s (which I’m glad to have gotten the hell away from), the number of people who would stand there, plant themselves and look like dicks was astronomical…I did it myself sometimes. Yes, they got girls sometimes….but pretty much anyone can get some girls if they play the numbers game. I don’t think it had anything to do with this fake ‘alphaness’.

What you’re calling ‘alpha’ in your post here isn’t exactly animal-kingdom alphaness so much as general ease, and–dare-I say–confidence.

So I think your advice is great–but I’d dispense with those particular terms since I think they often confuse people….just my opinion though!

Matt says:

Ok, I’ve got the friendly part down, lots of people like me and think I’m a great guy. Now how do I learn to inspire them? How do I learn to be attractive?

Eric Disco says:

Good advice–although to be honest I think this ‘alpha’ terminology has to go…it’s derived too much from the animal kingdom and people tend to treat it like that.

I agree that there are problem with terminology. However, I think we can learn a lot from the animal kingdom. Often times, we humans like to think that we are very logical and that most of our decisions are based on careful deliberation. In actuality, most of our decisions are highly influenced by emotions.

but pretty much anyone can get some girls if they play the numbers game.

No doubt. A lot of guys think they have great game simply because they have started taking a lot more initiative. What if he’s a great-looking guy who always went for what was below what he could get?

In the same vein, the ability to take initiative can’t be completely separated from good game. it is the foundation for good game.

Eric

Eric Disco says:

Ok, I’ve got the friendly part down, lots of people like me and think I’m a great guy. Now how do I learn to inspire them? How do I learn to be attractive?

If you are friendly but it’s not translating into attraction, it is usually a lack of dominance. Check out A Nice Guy or a Great Guy? The 10% Difference.

Eric

Another Matt says:

Hey Eric, in your experience do most guys who manage to make the transition from O to A generally have to pass through a long B phase where they’re learning this whole new “not mumbling yes to everything with your eyes on your shoes and actually saying no to people” thing? Or is it reasonable to expect to be able to bypass that phase with some guidance?

Eric Disco says:

Hi Matt,

I don’t think you need to necessarily go through a beta phase before becoming alpha. I think it is more of being aware of your own strengths and weaknesses. If you’re not comfortable with tension and conflict, then you may want to work on that. At the same time, you can be aware that your end goal isn’t confrontation but winning people over to your side. Many times this can be done simultaneously, like when you practice your body language. Other times its simply a matter of practicing escalating the tension by taking risks.

Eric

zeus says:

Why make things more complicated than they need to be?

Rham says:

Well lets ask the great PUA’s that you love Eric like Brad P.

I remember him telling us that we needed to read books like Sperm Wars and the Red Queen and that women were looking for quality sperm from males. Do you think that Justin Beber would fit that bill? I dare say probably not to most women, maybe adolescent teens but most women think hes a joke.

Most women would go for the 6’6 dude in a heartbeat according to Sperm Wars and the great quality sperm thing.

All of the community writes about how we follow evolution so if that is so true for all the money we have paid to these guys, then game or nothing really matters. Why? Well you need to exude quality sperm according to the PUA gurus and you need to show that you are the man that women want to get laid by. Does Beber show this? I dare say not. He is a fad that will blow away in about a year. Most fads do.

The 6’6 guy is timeless. Women cream themselves over this type of guy and will shove it in our face.

So Eric, according to evolution theory and the community and the books they tell one “you have to read in order to understand all this great pick up stuff” nothing really matters anyway unless you are physically and/or mentally superior. Emotion would have nothing to do with this if this is something inbread in our DNA. Why would it? Its all predestined according to all this science thrown at us….and to make matters worse we see average guys buying women drinks and having fun and then we are told “no you need to not be doing that, you do not buy drinks” but yet the two of them are having fun…do you see why we are so confused?

What are your thoughts? Does a guy have a chance if by evolutionary standards he is not “up to mating with that beautiful woman”?

Lee says:

Good article. Agree completely. When I talk to guys about being alpha, I sometimes bring up this thought experiment. Michael Jordan is walking by a street basketball court. An excellent but unknown street player standing on this court sees him and yells out “Yo, motherfucker, I would own you all over this court.” What would Jordan say or do? Would he respond by giving this man the finger? Would he yell back in anger? Unlikely. He’s Michael Jordan. He has nothing – absolutely nothing – to prove. If he were to acknowledge this man at all, he might smile, shake his head a little, and say something like “That’s why I’m not setting foot on that court, my friend. Have a good one.” That’s what alphas do. They have nothing to prove, so they always say and do the thing that serves them best, not the thing that temporarily quiets their insecurities.

Cameron says:

Rham, you just need to look at the real world to know that women do use their emotions when picking mates?

Do you honestly think Catherine Zeta-Jones couldn’t have found a partner with better genes than Michael Douglas?

Have you seen Cladia Schiffers boyfriend? Hes not exactly a 6″6 commando.

The simple fact is that all these PUAs are not scientists and dont become scientists by reading a book on evolutionary psychology.

I remember my roommate in college, one night we went out and for some reason he just felt really great, he was having tonnes of fun, all the women were all over him, did his genes get better that one night? No, they did not.

Even going for someone who is awesome by women like Corry Skyy, is he physically and mentally superior? I heard hes quite short and not that good looking, but yet hes amazing with women………..

theres more to picking up chicks than your genes.

Rham says:

Lee, you make a great point here. You take the rational and logical stance on this. However women do not see that. They react on action. Same with say Mick Jagger, the guy has nothing to prove or Derek Jeter and those type of guys.

But for the average guy, women expect action. They like to “see that you are alpha somehow.”

Lee says:

@Rham Dude, are you saying that women between the ages of 13 and 33 would not line up to sleep with Justin? Are you nuts? He’s an A list celebrity. Do you know how much sex even D list celebrities get? Even some of Gary Coleman’s girlfriends were hot.

Rham says:

First Gary Coleman even admitted that he was a virgin until he got married to that chick he met in Nevada.

Sure there will be women who want to sleep with Beber now, but that is now. Lets see a year from now. Like I said before he is a fad. There were tons of chicks that wanted to sleep with the Bay City Rollers in say 1975 but by 1977 they were broke and basically homeless (watch the VH1 behind the music special on them – actually quite good).

My point is the in the “time and eternal” the 6’6 dude is the Mack Daddy for chicks.

I will bet you $100 dollars that if I were to take the 6’6 dude and Beber into a bar, the 6’6 guy if he is personable to some degree will pick up the hottest woman in the bar in the least amount of time. Beber will score, but lets see if that happens say two years from now. The 6’6 guy as long as he takes care of himself does not have to worry about that. He WILL ALWAYS score.

So how does a guy like me that is like a foot smaller emulate that women’s eyes? how does he become “alpha”? By being funny – so far has not worked. By being a leader (I run a successful company), so far no. By being in a band (I played in some semi-pro successul bands years ago), I never got chicks. Thats why I started studying pickup which has been a dead end street.

So how does the average guy on the street do it?

Rham says:

And this contradicts all the evolution stuff taught to us. Women will always go with the bigger more dominant man. The 6’6 guy is looked by women in that regard.

So what is it? Is the evolutionary stuff incorrect? If it is then we need to ALL get our money back from the guru’s that have preached it.

Is it correct? Then emotions are really a “residue” not the core. Its the female searching for the dominant male. Its that quality sperm thing that haunts me since I read those books pushed by the guru’s. “you need to be dominant” – its preached.

So what is your take, is the evolutionary stuff accurate or not?

Rham says:

Lee,

FYI – Here is just one source about Coleman being a great lover:

http://www.entertainmentwise.com/news/40575/Gary-Coleman-Im-Still-A-Virgin

Just did not want to look like I pulled that out of thin air.

So if he did have hot girl friends, they must of been platonic or he was very religious. I tend to think it was the platonic thing but I could be wrong…

Lee says:

@Rham Bieber would win hands down, now, and as long as he is able to maintain his connections to millions of people. If he ever loses those connections – if he is ever poor, distraught, needy, and forgotten, women will lose interest in him. What is so puzzling about that? Eric’s point is that in our complex society, alpha-ness has little to do with the physical. Rock, TV, movie stars, authors and intellectuals prove this all the time. There are a million horny jocks in bars all over this country drowning their loneliness in beer as we speak. You are misinterpreting what evolutionary biologists tell us about selection. Believe me, Brad didn’t give you that reading list to convince you that you are powerless to overcome your genetic limitations. If physical features were the single dominant factor in the way women select men, we would all be 6’6″ and 265 lbs. The reason we are not is that nature prefers there to be a wide range of physical features and aptitudes. That wide range is preserved from generation to generation because women will compromise on the physical to get the emotionally dominant, the intellectual, and the creative. This is also part of evolutionary theory, and you are deliberately blinding yourself to this fact because you are afraid to face your fears.

Rham says:

Do they compromise on the physical? I think yes if the guy has money or some kind of status – absolutely. A hot woman can have any guy she basically wants. Why would they settle for less if they can have it all? Evolution kind of proves that correct does it not? Then why do women always prefer taller men? Why do they prefer the hot guys over the average guys if they are so “forgiving”?

No I am facing my fears. That’s the point and its very discouraging.

I feel totally powerless. I feel like there is no chance. I see better looking guys scoring all the time and I have tried it all – Brad’s stuff, Juggler, Mystery Method, just being myself. Nothing works. What has worked? Nothing. Yeah Im the funny one, Yes I have a good personality, yes I escalate, yes I have tried all the stuff taught to me that supposedly super powers. I have tried horsegirl, I have tried it all and I am actually worse now than before. At least before when I was dating say a 5 or 6 I considered myself lucky and it was more frequent. Hot women? They want hot men or guys with top value.

If you think you can help, do you know of any good books or seminars or something that would make me think differently?

Also, if you were in my shoes what would you do?

Rham says:

Then if that is not what Brad the guru’s were not trying to do, then what were they trying to do? I could never get straight answers from him nor any guru outthere. They would just sugar coat it.

All of those books pretty much tell guys they are losers if they do not have superior genetics – its like reading 1930′s Nazi ubermen literature.

What is a guy who is not hot do? Personality certainly doesn’t do it. Even David D has acknowledged (after making millions) that his cocky and funny went too far for alot of guys….funny he mentions that after all the money he made….

Why is not Eric commenting on this?

Lee says:

You’ve used the magic word, dude. It’s status. Status is important, and that is why women will compromise on the physical. But status is not only money. Status is more vague. It has to do with how many people think you are cool. Bieber has a lot of status. Often, when a woman meets you she has no idea how many people think you’re cool, so she looks to you – to your body language, your style, the way you talk to her, what you say – to tell her how many people might think you’re cool. She makes her decision about you in the first several minutes, and there is no one else there who is going to give her the information she needs. There is a word for showing women that you are high status. It’s called game. If you believe half of the negative ideas you constantly talk about on this site, there is no way you will come across as someone others may think is cool. End of story. What should you do? You should get yourself a really good coach, someone who is going to give you the attention you deserve. If you were my student, I wouldn’t charge you until I got some results. That way, you would know that what I am telling you is the truth. Find someone in your part of the country who is willing to do the same.

Dale says:

Justin Bieber will score IF they realize it’s Justin Bieber, because he has social standing. Some kid who looks and acts like Justin will not score. Someone who looks and acts like the commando will do as well as the commando will.

Lee says:

@Dale My point exactly! A Bieber replica is worthless if women know it’s not Bieber. Even if the dude sings like Bieber, he’s worthless. Hence, we must conclude this has nothing to do with the physical. This has to do with the perception of status. Managing the perception of status is called game.

tido says:

Alpha: Agrees and amplifies. “I know, right? It’s the gayest shirt I could find. I asked but they said they didn’t have anything gayer in stock, so I went with this one.”

Great post! What happens when they persistently make fun of you, or is this because your not congruent with your answers to being with?

Arne says:

Do you have a background in social anthropology or any related field? Have you conducted field-studies?

How do you know what alpha is? What alpha traits are? What references have you used as background material for this article?

Arne

Eric Disco says:

Hi Arne,

Do you have a background in social anthropology or any related field? Have you conducted field-studies?

I do have a background in social anthropology. I haven’t conducted field-studies myself in social anthropology. But I read studies all the time as well as other scientific writing in the field.

Most of my field experience comes from first-person trial-and-error along with having coached literally hundreds of students. For two years, I was the head coach for one of the largest coaching companies in the business. I have had my own coaching practice now for two years.

What references have you used as background material for this article?

For starters, you can check out Paul Gilbert’s Depression: The Evolution of Powerlessness, which I quoted above.

Eric

Lee says:

@Rham Brad is a brilliant spokesperson for the community. Why would he give you a reading list that contradicts everything he teaches his students? Did you ever stop to consider that these books may be telling you something that you are not ready to accept? From a Publisher’s Weekly review of The Red Queen: “..even human intellect is chalked up to sex: virtuosity, individuality, inventiveness and related traits are what make people sexually attractive.” Do you get it, dude? You are wearing deliberately ignoring the parts of these books that contradict your world view.

Lee says:

Typo correction: You are wearing blinders and deliberately ignoring the parts of these books that contradict your world view.

Eric Disco says:

Great post! What happens when they persistently make fun of you, or is this because your not congruent with your answers to being with?

When I was in grade school, most of the kids were white. So if you were a minority, eventually you got made fun of. There was one hispanic kid named Pablo. Inevitably, he would get made fun of for being hispanic. Almost every kid got made fun of for something.

But whenever Pablo got made fun of for being hispanic, he would laugh and make fun of himself a little. “Yeah, totally,” he would join in, “and we eat Goya for every single meal!”

Everyone would have a good laugh and then move on.

It was the best possible way he could deal with the situation. That way he was still part of the in crowd. Everyone liked him because it showed how cool he was when he made fun of himself. And when people did make fun of him, it rarely got mean-spirited. He always laughed it off. This would happen consistently. Every once in a while Pablo would get made fun of, and he would always laugh it off.

I wish I had known to do that as a kid.

If you got upset or fought back or got angry, all the other kids would do it more. They found your weak spot. They now had power over you.

As I grew up, I started to learn what it actually meant when someone insulted you or made fun of you. Most of the time, people were playing. I just didn’t know how to play back.

The worst part about this situation is that I didn’t know how to play with women. Most women will eventually throw something at you. They’ll look to see how you react. One girl I’m seeing will call me a nerd when I talk about reading and studying all the psychology and anthropology books that I do. And I show what a cool guy I am by joking back. “I know, I read so much today that my pocket protector wore out.”

Another good example is a roast. You host a special event where everyone gets together to poke fun at you. It’s a chance for you, the roastee, to show off your good nature. And some of the stuff people say at a roast is pretty harsh. But it is considered an honor to be roasted.

The only situations you need to be careful of is if things could turn violent. But even in those situations, using some verbal judo and making fun of yourself is still almost always the best way out of the situation.

Eric

zeus says:

No man is ever truely alpha or omega but always a combination.

Lee says:

@Rham From page 344 of The Red Queen (1993): “And I end with one of the strangest of the consequences of sex: that the choosiness of human beings in picking their mates has driven the human mind into a history of frenzied expansion for no reason except that wit, virtuosity, inventiveness, and individuality turn other people on. It is a somewhat less uplifting perspective on the purpose of humanity than the religious one, but it is also rather liberating. Be different.” Now, does this sound to you like the point that all of sexual selection is based on simple physical characteristics like height, weight, and facial structure?

Features says:

I think the true key here is not to be submissive. Being in a submissive position can be a true death trap. It was my biggest mistake. I would rely on submissiveness and remain quiet in social settings thinking people can’t hate me if I’m quiet. The fear of saying something wrong or inappropriate would dominate me and I would just sit in my corner watching the alphas take the lead. Basically, I’d watch the alpha wolves get the kill while I hoped for leftovers.

tido says:

But whenever Pablo got made fun of for being hispanic, he would laugh and make fun of himself a little. “Yeah, totally,” he would join in, “and we eat Goya for every single meal!”

Everyone would have a good laugh and then move on.

This also takes me back to grade school. As I recall a kid in grade 8 was making fun of my mom, insulting each others mom’s use to be huge back in grade school. Now I recall doing something similar to what Pablo did, my mom was insulted (whatever the insult was), and I just added to it, “yeah wasn’t she on a skate board?” Everyone witnessing this also laughed. As I recall the most popular kid was within proximity, and heard it all, laughing himself. The thing is I think the kid who insulted me was trying to show off infront of the popular kid. Interesting, because following this incident I vaguely recall interacting more with the popular kid, we were both great in art, both winning art awards.

But my issue with this is congruence, what if one just says these things while feeling insulted? The insulter will see right through it. And more importantly you’ll be lying to yourself and how you feel. Can all insults just be laughed off? Or if one takes an insult too personally, are there other issues which need to be worked out?

cheers,
tido

Eric Disco says:

Can all insults just be laughed off? Or if one takes an insult too personally, are there other issues which need to be worked out?

I don’t think that all insults can be worked out. I think it depends on the situation. It depends on how mean-spirited and confrontational the ‘attack’ is. If the person is creating a truly hostile environment, then the situation needs to be addressed and confronted.

A work environment is a good example. If possible, you want to interpret an insult as a good-natured joking. But if, for example, someone calls you a racial slur or something like that, it’s probably not something you want to laugh off. I certainly wouldn’t.

This, I think, goes back to being the alpha male. You are friendly and joking. You do work with people. Your first instinct is to laugh things off and be friendly. But you’re not pushover. You’re not afraid to confront people if the situation is necessary.

I also think it takes practice to be able to take a joke and joke back with the person. It helps if you do this with friends. Me and my friends make fun of each other a lot. It’s a sign of friendship and familiarity. If someone I don’t know too well makes fun of me, I try to see it as them trying to be friendly. If there’s no way to see it like that, then I may confront from them if I need to, or I may just walk away, depending on the situation. Particularly if I don’t know the person, it’s not worth getting into a physical altercation.

Eric

Miami PUA says:

I feel that people are inheirently alpha males of females… This guy is a scientist, this guy is a doctor, this guy over here is a lawyer, you’re a neurosurgeon, etc.

Regardless, different women want different things and look for leaders, but they can always exist from different tribes. For example, there are more women who would want to have a one night stand with Johnny Depp than Bill Gates, even though the guy is more loaded than Nicole Ritchie driving on the wrong side of the road.

The cowboy is the alpha male in some cases and enviroments and sometimes he’s not.

PEOPLE CAN’T BE EVERYTHING TO EVERYBODY because we don’t have the time on earth to accomplish such a task.

For the guys that are out here reading in seduction/pua land, you must understand that for the best results, it’s extremely important for you to find the type of girl that you want and what the general representation of the alpha male is for her in her world.

…Even if you aren’t an alpha male in her world, if you want her, it’s extremely important for you to put your balls on the chopping block for what/who you want.

Steaming hot girls have fetishes for geeky guys, just like geeky guys have a fetish for steaming hot girls.

I have a friend who is not a PUA, plays magic cards every night at Denny’s with his friends, but he’s an alpha male because his dad is semi-famous, but has an extremely prestigious job.

He himself used to be a complete fuck up with a 0.3 GPA, but he just recently started to buckle down, but from the outside, you could never tell.

In addition, he has a pretty high ranking in the Magic Card world.

His girlfriend is the typical small-time, suburban drug dealers girlfriend.

Women love a man who they can sexually drive stir crazy.

But as long as you have your ethics in tact, than you’re okay and you can be as nerdy as you want to be.

There are girls who usually date drug dealers with enormous chrome wheels on their cars, have an endless supply of drug money and weed to smoke who I hit on and even though I don’t necessarily measure up in the resources department, I still get a mad mount of play from them because I offer a level of interaction that they can’t get from their boyfriends.

Just by being a sexually exciting person (obviously who is comfortable in their sexuality) laid back but firm, like the article states and I support, than I don’t see why you can’t charm the panties off of a girl with geeky computer talk.

Sincerely,
Miami PUA of sashagrey.co
CEO of Elite Seduction Labs

tido says:

A work environment is a good example. If possible, you want to interpret an insult as a good-natured joking. But if, for example, someone calls you a racial slur or something like that, it’s probably not something you want to laugh off. I certainly wouldn’t.

I’m currently working in IT, the level of maturity varies, some people here still quite immature. Keeping this in mind, last week I’ve told a co-worker I’m heading out to lunch. His reply was along the lines of “you’re a monkey, get back in your cage.” I must say I was caught of guard and a bit insulted, I just reacted. I saw his looking for eye contact, as to waiting for my reaction. Would this be something you wouldn’t take seriously? We share the same position level in the organization. Funny how people get a rise by trying to get them to react. hmm… perhaps I’m trying to hard.

I also think it takes practice to be able to take a joke and joke back with the person. It helps if you do this with friends. Me and my friends make fun of each other a lot. It’s a sign of friendship and familiarity. If someone I don’t know too well makes fun of me, I try to see it as them trying to be friendly. If there’s no way to see it like that, then I may confront from them if I need to, or I may just walk away, depending on the situation. Particularly if I don’t know the person, it’s not worth getting into a physical altercation.

Went to a auto show this weekend with friends, and we totally insult each other, but we know it’s not mean spirited. We know each other well and have nothing to prove, it’s just fun. I’m not quite sure why guys insult each other though, you say it’s a sign of friendship and familiarity, how? What’s insults real purpose? Do women insult each other too, to signal friendship?

Eric Disco says:

His reply was along the lines of “you’re a monkey, get back in your cage.” I must say I was caught of guard and a bit insulted, I just reacted. I saw his looking for eye contact, as to waiting for my reaction. Would this be something you wouldn’t take seriously?

How would you react if a small child said this to you playfully? You might joke with him, talking about eating bananas or other things monkeys do. So my first reaction would be to go with it, regardless of whether it bothered you. If things started to escalate from there, got really ugly or he was relentless about it, then I would call it out or even take it up with your supervisors.

I’m not quite sure why guys insult each other though, you say it’s a sign of friendship and familiarity, how? What’s insults real purpose? Do women insult each other too, to signal friendship?

It comes back to being playful. Most animals are playful. Wolf cubs will play wrestle with each other. It builds the bond between them and prepares them for the challenges they will face in the real world.

One of my friends proposed to his girlfriend. The next time I saw her I said “I hear you’re marrying Shane. My condolences.” It showed that me and my friend are close and very good-natured.

I’ve used this example before. If a girl spills a drink, you could say “Oh, that’s okay, don’t worry about it.” And that would be fine. But it’s even better to say “Man, I can’t take you anywhere.” By joking about it, she truly knows everything is fine, as long as I clearly convey to her that I’m joking.

It also establishes dominance in a way that is alpha. It’s playful dominance that wins her over as opposed to threatening her.

In the movie Ip Man 2, the main character moves to a new town. All the kung fu masters challenge Ip Man. But his kung fu is too good. As he defeats them, he says “Thank you for going easy on me.” He allowed them to save face. He was not only dominant, he made them feel good about themselves. This allows them to join him instead of only be dominated. True alpha.

Eric

phazer says:

Not to discredit your post Disco but Entropy had a post about this a week ago on his blog and it is a completely different take on it and I would say I agree with him more.

Also I don’t know why people are on Brad P’s dick here. That guy is such a scammer, I’ve bumped into him dozens of times in Hollywood and in his coked out stupor he finally admitted to me that most of the stuff he says is bullshit to make money

Arne says:

…and Entropy is a not a scammer. Suddenly he have a new website and banging on about how PUA are bad, etc, etc…..

Paul says:

Entropy is a good guy and not a scammer. I put Eric in there as well. They write honest stuff. I have been pretty jaded myself by this whole industry but Eric and Entropy are both good credible guys.

Stephen says:

You won’t come across anyone better than Eric when it comes to this stuff. I have been through tonnes of websites in the last two years and there is no one better than Eric to provide the support and help for people wanting to improve with women.

Eric’s authentic, not some gimmick trying to profit through selling magical formulas lol

steve

Fatboy slim says:

Phazer:
”’Also I don’t know why people are on Brad P’s dick here. That guy is such a scammer, I’ve bumped into him dozens of times in Hollywood and in his coked out stupor he finally admitted to me that most of the stuff he says is bullshit to make money”’

Are you for real? I have struggled a lot with Brad P’s openers, and I want to know. I mean, when I saw him, I was at a PUA convention and he had his fashion down, showed us some really encouraging infield videos, and he had a strong response to every shit test the crowd could throw at him. I also look up to him for the things he talked about the 1:2 hour rule and information timing, which I think is right on.

Tell me if what you’re saying is the truth, because it’s not everyday that someone comes out and makes a firsthand claim like this.

Cameron says:

It’s almost certainly a load of bullshit.

Fatboy slim says:

I thought so.

Rham says:

Yes, I think the Phazer stuff is crap and its not right to print if it is not true. Just not right. I mean I am not a fan of Brad’s teaching but I do not think he is a bad person per say. I just think he teaches stuff that just does not work for the average guy.

I mean listen to his interview series – Phermone Kid (yeah, if I tried bathroom pulls in my town I would get arrested) and Joe – this guy is like 6’6 and looks like a rock star – how the hell is this guy not going to pull hot chicks? And Brad himself is like 6’5 and looks like a rock star. I mean, who can the average guy identify with that? ….They cant….

Rham says:

@Lee – I am re-reading the Red Queen. I still think it points out the via evolution that the average guy has alot going against him no matter what.

Anyway I tried some day game this week, thinking ok, well maybe I am overanalyzing this. Did about 15 approaches and as usual no numbers, emails or anything.

You know, per books like The Red Queen, we are suppose to procreate. Our existence is due to our anchestors procreating. Well if that is true for all men, then why is this so difficult? Its horrible. I mean I understand this is a learning experience but man, its just grueling if one is not a good looking or status guy like me. Its really no fun at all.

KL says:

Rham, we meet again, my fellow shortie. I am 5’5″ (if you needed a reminder), there is an attractive woman in my life who is noticeably taller than me (by at least a few inches) who is totally into me, and basically asked me out on a date the other day. If I’m not tall or rich, why would she do this? Because women are attracted to OTHER THINGS in addition to height and wealth.

Just like we are attracted to a sexy body because it signals what we subconsciously want (a healthy vessel for offspring), women are attracted to a dominant and confident personality because it signals what THEY subconsciously want (a socially dominant and high-value mate to protect and benefit her and her offspring).

You said:

“I still think it points out the via evolution that the average guy has alot going against him no matter what.”

Exactly. Because the average guy has little confidence or dominance or flirting skills.

You said:

“I mean I understand this is a learning experience but man, its just grueling if one is not a good looking or status guy like me. Its really no fun at all.”

2 points: (1) I thought you WERE a status guy? You wrote earlier that you have a successful business! That puts you above like 90 or 95% of all men out there! (2) You made a great statement: it’s no fun.

My friend, if you’re not having fun, you have lost the game before you have begun. This process isn’t supposed to be a chore. It’s about enjoying that moment with her, regardless of outcome.

Now, I am going to make a bold commitment here. You have inspired me to do some serious day game this coming week. I haven’t really done any day game in a while. You mentioned you did 15 approaches and got nothing. I will do at least 15 approaches starting Monday (currently traveling) and report back in the forum. Not making any promises, but I will do my best to give it an honest effort.

Lee says:

@Rham Assuming bad luck is not the culprit, the reason you’re going to fail in 15 approaches is that you suck at this. You have the wrong attitude and you’re probably making a million mistakes that you have no idea you’re making. I don’t even blame you. If I started out with your attitude, I’d suck at this too. The Read Queen is not the last word sexual selection, but it was suggested to you by your coaches because it makes the point – and makes it very strongly – that certain characteristics of the male that have nothing to do with physical appearance are very attractive to the female. If you want more quotes from the book – similar to the one I previously posted – there are plenty.

marius says:

eric,

initially when i read this article i agreed with it… but then after thinking about it some more, i can’t help but think your example is faulty.

going by your logic—is it fair to say that justin bieber is more “alpha” than EVERY non-famous man given his likability, resources, etc? if not, why not?

your determination of alpha seems to be based largely on this formula:

the more money you have
+
the more famous you are
=
the more alpha you are

don’t get me wrong—those things DO make a difference, but only as a tiebreaker.

in a crisis situation—when the chips are down—people are looking for leadership in the commando rather than justin bieber.

-marius

Stephen says:

marius,

you say: “in a crisis situation…people are looking for leadership in commando rather than justin bieber.”

So you’re saying women would reject justin beiber for a commando?
Very much doubt it.

This is from the perspective of women: women are going to favour Justin Bieber compared to a commando. With alpha male comes status and Beiber status is higher than a commando in the social/ pick-up world.

Eric Disco says:

Hi Marius,

We can look at wealth, fame and power to understand how human hierarchy is more heavily influenced by attraction (who do we value) rather than threat (who we’re afraid of). This does not mean that only the wealthy, the famous or the powerful influence people with attractive behavior.

For the bulk of human evolution, there was no such thing as fame, politicians or even wealth. Humans evolved to operate in small groups banded together by a leader. They were attracted by the leader’s charismatic qualities. People who are confident exhibit specific behaviors that attract other people.

Are these behavioral traits a by-product of success or is success a by-product of these behavioral traits? Do people become wealthy and famous because of their self-confidence or do they become self-confident because of their wealth and fame?

We don’t have to guess which came first. We know.

From anthropologist Margaret Power:

Woodburn is impressed by the high state of egalitarianism that is characteristic of the autonomous humans who live by the immediate-return system of foraging. He suggests (Woodburn, 1982, p. 431) that among these peoples “there is a closest approximation to equality known in any human societies”. Leadership is not single or structured. No individual has formal authority, but in these groups there are both men and women whose opinions are respected, whose presence is sought. Service (1966, p. 51) calls them “people with influence” based on attractive qualities of personality. Most anthropologists consider these individuals to be informal “charismatic” leaders (Service, 1966; Turnbull, 1968a).

Eric

Leo says:

thats a lot of big words. Which is she saying comes first?

Eric Disco says:

Which is she saying comes first?

Self-confidence came first. Before there was ever fame or wealth or political power, people operated in small groups led by self-confident, charismatic individuals.

Eric

Arne says:

@Lee. It is easy for you to say to Rham that he is making mistakes. You have both status and good looks. One of my friends that have done some training with you described you as the quintisential RL/Tommy Hilfiger type of guy with good looks. Plus you have a very good job and education.

I think these to factors are 90 % of your game. They give you the self-confidence.

Stephen says:

Overall is there a social alpha (bieber) and a physical alpha (commando)?

Lee says:

@Arne I am very normal looking. I’m tall and skinny, but my posture’s not great. I’m 46 and I look it. When I meet chicks, I tell them I’m a teacher, which is hardly a high status job. Of course, I put it in a way that makes them laugh their asses off, but that is something anyone can do. I have a great sense of style, which makes me look a lot more attractive than I am. And I know how to rock it, which is what the game is all about. Other than my skills, I have no advantage over most of you. 15 sets is not a lot to begin with. Meaning, I have gone 15 sets without results. Not often, but it happens. However, if I were to take on Rham’s attitude, 100 sets wouldn’t be enough. Don’t you know how easy it is for women to tell whether we believe we’re going to succeed or fail with them? Anyone who thinks that simply going through the motions of a sarge is going to get them a number is nuts. This game is about rocking it, and you can’t rock it unless you really, truly believe you can.

Lee says:

On the subject of wealth, here is a simple experiment you can perform if you think chicks really think wealth is so important. Lie. Lie your ass off. Do the same approaches you’ve been doing, but tell chicks you run a department at an investment bank, or you’re the regional director for Ferrari America, or whatever other job implies similar compensation. Yes, you will be found out, but not until she has time to do a little research, which is not going to happen while you’re standing right there in front of her. What’s the point of all this? The point is not to start a relationship with a lie. The point is to convince yourself that nothing, absolutely nothing will change when she thinks you’re rich. If you’re fucking it up now, you’ll still fuck it up, and the fact that she thinks you’re rich is not going to help you. Once you’ve convinced yourself of this fact, you can stop lying to women and work on your game.

setpeasia says:

Oh thank you!

Axel says:

Teaching is high status work because it entails intellectual capital and leadership, which when put up against money, takes dominance.
It also gives you by it’s very nature 30 different people to interact with each day, so when you get off work your confidence is already halfway there.

I agree with the rest though.

Arne says:

@Lee in this interview you say you work in IB (investment banking)? Not as a teacher.

http://approachanxiety.com/audio/approachanxiety.com-lee.mp3

Lee says:

@Arne I am a math prof, dude. I teach grad school in a university’s math finance program. I do other things, too, but when I meet girls, I try to keep it simple. “I teach the secret language of the universe. Do you know what that is? It’s called mathematics. You like math? No? Oh, that’s a shame. When I meet a woman who will whisper the word ‘heuristics’ to me during lovemaking… there’s a five carat diamond under my bed and I can reach it without breaking the tempo of lovemaking…” Dude, when you figure out a way to make what you do this funny and sexy, you’ll understand that money’s not required to get hot chicks to dig you.

N00b says:

Hey Lee, I have found your insights on relationships to be very useful. I was surprised to read that you are into math finance :)

I will be graduating soon and am looking for opportunities in the field of quant finance. But I am not hearing good things about the entry level job market … could you share some useful tips with me?

If you prefer to talk over email, let me know your address. Thanks a ton!

Cameron says:

Lee: I love all your posts. You have a fan in me, keep fighting the good fight. :-)

Lee says:

@Cameron Thanks, bro. It means a lot.

Axel says:

Haha, heuristics, good stuff. I wonder if the same thing can be done with cleaning jobs though! :P

Arne says:

@Lee, nothing against you. You write and say a lot of sensible stuff. Not taken out of thin air like some people in the “community”. In my experience people that are good with women, have a thing on the side their good at, in academics, sports, business, etc. Like you!

Lee says:

@Arne Yeah, I’m good at a bunch of stuff. You’re probably good at a bunch of stuff, too. But my whole pickup is seven minutes long, so just about all I get to say to women about what I do is what I wrote in that previous post. There are much more important topics to hit on: Family and childhood, where we came from and how we got where we are, relationships and sex. Between what she says and what I say, there isn’t really time to show a video of my dance lesson or tell her how I love to sketch. All those things are going to make a difference in a relationship, but not in the pickup. You can’t fake an interesting life, and ultimately, desirable women are going to want to be with a man who has an interesting life. However, when guys complain, it’s typically about meeting — not keeping — desirable women, and that has nothing to do with how much I make or all of my interests and hobbies. It has to do with how I make her feel in those first seven minutes. The things you can change in that interaction are much more important than the things you can’t change.

betamax says:

How do you confront a guy angrily for groping your girlfriend without getting stabbed/slashed?

Greg says:

-betamax

GUN, (just be prepared to use it).

KL says:

“How do you confront a guy angrily for groping your girlfriend without getting stabbed/slashed?”

You can chat up the person in a friendly manner, and win him over, duh! Winning!

Just kidding.

Here’s what I think (and keep in mind I am below-average in height for a man, so physical conflict is not exactly my forte):

1. Don’t get a girlfriend–keep everything casual. Problem solved.

2. If you do get a girlfriend, don’t take her to places where large psychotic men with knives hang around… take her to nice, classy places instead

3. Much of dominance comes down to the energy you project; think of the classic image of the diminutive gangster flanked by meatheads–the smaller guy has all the power, and acts like it, while the larger stronger guys are lower-status and must act submissive to him; if you project this dominant energy everywhere you go, most men are not tempted to pick on you or anyone with you

4. If you or your girl are picked on, then confront, and be ready to defend yourself; if you’re in a nice place with security somewhere in the background, you should feel safe taking a chance like this; I’m willing to get a black eye if ultimately the other guy is arrested

5. If you are attacked, do your best to fight back; if he’s larger or better armed than you, kick him in the nuts, spit in his eyes, and run away with your girlfriend; she does NOT want you to fight, it’s not a pleasant experience for a woman… and if she does want you to fight, then you must dump her

Also, a tip: don’t ever get drunk in public. The kind of guy who slaps a random girl’s ass is probably so drunk he can’t think straight. This gives you an advantage even if he’s larger than you, because you can react quicker and more rationally than he can.

Lee says:

Fuck that confrontation crap. Here is my rule for dealing with trouble in bars: Unless my girl or my friends are in immediate danger of real injury – not insults, not a slap on the butt, not mockery, but real danger – my first priority is to get them out of there quickly and quietly. Even if we are in danger of real physical injury, I have to ask myself what course of action has the best chance of getting us out of harm’s way as quickly as possible. If jumping in has a real chance of putting us in greater danger, being alpha means staying calm and doing the smart thing, which could be getting the bouncer or calling the cops. When you’re sitting in the emergency room waiting for you nose to be reset and your forehead stitched and your girl is asking you why you had to get into that mess just because someone copped a feel, you better have an explanation that is less stupid than “I’m alpha!” Yes, there will be girls who want you to jump in. Worse, there will be girls who talk shit or otherwise escalate the hostilities until you have to jump in. Do everything possible to avoid it. Apologize. Tell them your girl is drunk. Do whatever is necessary to get out of there as quickly and quietly as possible. Alpha, in this case, means that your sense of self is strong enough to walk away from a fight. Look at these incidents as an opportunity to figure out what kind of girl you’re with. If you’re with the kind of girl who doesn’t want you to make the right decision – if you’re with the kind of girl who is willing to put you in physical danger just to feed her own ego – brother, take the next Greyhound out of town and don’t look back.

MADMAX says:

whoever wrote that this ‘alpha terminology has to go’ should shut the hell up. Good article.

Sean says:

This reclassification of gender roles is exactly what’s causing our society to disintegrate. Justin Beiber is NOT an ‘alpha male!’ An alpha male can still contribute to society without necessarily having to dominate other people. He is strong, fearless, literally ready to go toe-to-toe with anyone who tries to interfere with his lifestyle.

If you don’t fit this description, that’s fine. You can learn to be more assertive in your dealings with people, but if you’ve ever sat by watching another man flirt with your girlfriend or wife, you’ve never been an alpha male and you never will be one. Our society is changing quickly, and the role females and males play is quickly changing. That being said, don’t EVER let women tell you that ‘gender roles are just a social construct.’

If that were really the case, what society ‘constructed’ them, and when? This ‘assignment’ was anything BUT arbitrary. Take manhood back. You don’t have to be stupid to be an alpha male – that’s also stigmatizing the term. But you can’t let ANYONE walk over you, or let any peers tell you what to do. Fight for your dominance, don’t ‘compliment and suggest an alternative.’

blono says:

The whole “alpha” “Beta” etc crap is really offputting. There is, IMO, some useful stuff here, but the terminology is, IMO, not very useful when talking about humans.

Coif says:

There was mention of a gangster hoodlum in here somewhere. The real difference in a lot of this is power and how people feel. A bully will keep other people below him but the guy on top will be confident and calm. The bully is an overgrown child and will throw temper tantrums.

Another post mentioned how women can act badly but still need someone who will not submit to them. I think this is true. Also, ask yourself how much self-control do you need to exercise around people for them to behave? Do they step out of line when you’re not behaving a certain way? How extreme is the change and how much drama is there?

dave says:

Lee – I guess that I am still on the Greyhound bus… You seem to have a handle on this lump of confusion. It is hard for me to imagine how to sift through all of these games in order to be close to someone
who will NEVER be on the same page. It is very difficult to imagine any success in such a game.

BULL SH1t I KNOW I would TRUST my life to our alpha males work/force, it’s protector; not a high school teenie booping pus!!!! corse that just a taxed males choice. IDIOTS, TO BELIEVE THOSE LIES!!!!!!

Martijn says:

You want to have a reallife example of an alpha male?
Get known about Pim Fortuyn, a dutch politicus who didn’t protect himself as he knew who was responsible for his protection.

This he said when he was in run for elections: “Be sure of one thing; I will be the new minister-president of this country!”

People knew he was true, therefore he was shut down. Thank you

Mickey says:

If Justin Bieber is more of an alpha than I’ll ever be, then just have mercy on me and (in the words of Daffy Duck) SHOOT ME NOW!!!

Manray says:

You know you are onto something when you piss off a bunch of people. Whatever terminology, it’s clear that being confident, having influence, having great body language, etc… works better with women (and men too).

Thanks for all the great insight and discussion!

Pradeep says:

Sounds a bit pseudoscience to me , something like those Astrology stereotypes
There are many men who act dominating in public settings – because of deep insecurities inside – does that make them Alpha ?
There are men who are quietly confident but not interested in being in the limelight – does that make them Beta ?
What about the guys who neither wish to dominate others , nor will allow anyone to dominate them, what do we call these guys ?

Eric Disco says:

What about the guys who neither wish to dominate others , nor will allow anyone to dominate them, what do we call these guys ?

You call that person a recluse.

Whenever you come into contact with the world, you come into contact with power. You cannot interact with other people without there being some sort of dominance involved. Simply sitting next to another person on a subway train involves a nonverbal negotiation of power.

The concept of the Alpha is science. It comes from a branch of science called ethology–animal behavior studies. The Alpha is the top-ranked male of the dominance hierarchy. One of the seminal studies in social organizations, introduced in 1927, found the ‘pecking order’ in chickens. All social animals form some type of dominance hierarchy.

Eric

Rashawn says:

Great article! Your focus on the hierarchy and actual social etiquette of the Alpha Male to be impressive.

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