Facebook is a Deathtrap

by Eric Disco
Feb 1

j-estacado.deviantart.com7

There are many good reasons to avoid being Facebook friends with women you want to date.

It almost always works against you.

I actively avoid it. If they try to be friends with me, I tell them I don’t use Facebook too much.

No doubt, when she’s really hot, you want to look at all her pictures.

But it’s worth resisting that temptation because there are so many downsides to tangling with Facebook.

Here’s why.

1. Facebook is a validation engine.

Facebook is built so that whenever you post pictures, your friends can “like” them and comment on them. That’s validation.

If you notice on Facebook, hot girls get a ton of validation. Girls in general get a lot of guys posting things on their wall, ‘liking’ their posts and photos, and commenting on their stuff.

By playing the Facebook game, you start to validate her in ways that do not lead to physical intimacy.

You waste valuable cache that could be used connecting with her or making her wonder whether she has you.

2. If she’s into you, she may ‘mark’ her territory.

If you’re dating more than one girl at a time, and friends with both of them on Facebook, you have a potential problem on your hands.

You’re vulnerable to one of the girls marking her territory by putting up posts on your wall, commenting, and liking your stuff.

She may start to over-do it.

At that point, it’s really difficult to unfriend her or ask her to knock it off without pissing her off.

j-estacado.deviantart.com83. It can take away the mystery.

Once you’re friends with a girl on Facebook, she can get a very good idea about you. That can take away a lot of the intrigue.

There’s also a good chance her opinion of you will change for the worse.

You worked hard to make a good impression when you first met her, why risk ruining it?

Maybe she sees you with a lot of girls and decides you’re a player.

Maybe she doesn’t see enough women in your photos and decides there must be something wrong with you.

Maybe your pictures are too boring. Or your friends come across as unattractive or socially inept.

Maybe you come across as too much of a party guy. Or you don’t have enough travel photos.

Maybe she thinks your status updates are stupid. Or you come across as anti-social because you update your status too much.

There are a lot of pitfalls in showing her even a carefully groomed profile.

In contrast, when you’re in person with her, you can calibrate and show her exactly what you want to show her.

4. It becomes a problem when breaking up.

Even when I’ve had exclusive relationships with women, I’ve avoided friending them on Facebook.

That’s because if the relationship goes sour in any way, you’ve got a mess to deal with.

If you’re getting too emotional over her, it’s really easy for you to get jealous.

It’s possible she could even try to make you jealous by posting pics of her with guys.

Or she’ll see your status updates and get jealous. Or you’ll try to get back at her by posting pics of you with girls.

Or you might feel like you can’t post and say certain things on Facebook because she’ll see.

j-estacado.deviantart.com6If you get mad at her, you might unfriend her and that could make you look petty.

Or you might want to unfriend her, but you don’t want to piss her off.

It’s pretty much a mess.

5. It’s very difficult to “game” a girl on Facebook.

There’s something to be said about online dating.

It has it’s place.

And it’s not impossible to meet a girl through Facebook.

But if you’ve met her in person, the actions you take on Facebook tend to only hurt your situation with her.

Sure, you can banter with her through messages, just like you could through e-mail or text.

But if you haven’t made a good impression in person, there is very, very little chance that you will make headway through Facebook.

If she won’t agree to a date in person, it is highly unlikely that you will say or do anything through Facebook that would change her mind for the better.

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posted in Miscellaneous

COMMENTS
29 responses
parisianon says:

I met my current love interest at a guys’ meetup, one friend brought her as a +1 twice but I got in touch with her through FB.
Here’s my take on how this site influenced things.

PRO :I was grateful for Facebook then because a few days afterwards the second occurence of this meetup, I decided to make a move and invited her out after looking through his friendslist and sending her a private message.
I’m lucky this even worked, because she doesn’t use FB very much and only had a few month’s casual use on her profile (apart from games but more on that later). I’d have gotten her number from our mutual friend though. This worked because as Eric pointed out we already did have a good impression of each other.

PRO :I was grateful for the FB chat when it did work for her.
We used it a lot for initial bonding in the first week before closing the deal.
She’s a heavy sms user and things were getting a bit confusing at times with texts getting out of order and all;

CON :when suddenly not getting much out of the texts, it became tempting to send something on FB as a private message. In my case, with her not being a heavy user and poor situational timing, it ended up being ignored…

CON :… and I started spying on her checking into her favourite FB game, which really drove me nuts.
FB wall, this is thanks to you :)
The game posts stuff on her wall for everyone to see but the items last a few hours. Very tempting if you have no other way to figure out what’s happening. You may naturally start to correlate this with your calling/texting attempts, and it can get ugly if you actively cross the two.

CON : “likes” as a form of validation also works on your posts.
When her other friends post funny/interesting things and she likes them, and you post something which gets no reaction even when you think it should, you may start freaking out some more.

CON : if you have doubts/are in a rough period, you’ll see her new friendships as potential competition. Cue rummaging through friends lists when available and cross-checking lists to see where they know each other from.
Pro-tip : if you wait a few days you can see the exact time of a friendship when checking the profile through m.facebook.com … which you can’t on the normal site.

I can’t help but agree not to friend as long as you’re in the early stages of dating. Send messages for contact.

If you must, add her to a group with limited privileges on your profile ! You could justify saying you do this with everyone, that it depends on friendship/trust level, but I have doubts that type of thing would fly :p

If you have no FB friends in common, you can always say “oh, everyone sees this little. I only use FB sparingly and pick whatever personal info I want to let out.”. This way she can’t ask a friend why she has way more on you when browsing your profile from her account. You’re not safe from her friending someone from your list though, if she can get to it.

SD Guy says:

Great post; I just wish you had posted this 6 months ago. I had avoided sending a FB friend request to this chick I was seeing for three months w/o incident. At some point she requested me and against my better judgement, I accepted. It definitely did not work in my favor and created more stress rather than less.

Basically things fizzled out fairly quickly after that and though I’m not going to blame FB, I think ignoring the request could have helped shift the power dynamic in my favor.

Bottom-line is that I was too nice overall and I knew it. This would have been one way to show some resolve and I folded. Never again.

Leo says:

Eric-
Do you use facebook much with buddies, friends and social ciricle?

Eric Disco says:

Do you use facebook much with buddies, friends and social ciricle?

Facebook is good for some things. It’s good for finding old friends. And if your friends have events, it can be useful.

But for the most part, it contributes very little to real bonding between your friends. Even if you’ve ‘liked’ something your sister’s brother-in-law posted, it’s not really like you’d talk about that next time you see him. Instead, you try to think up clever things that people will like and you like and comment on other people’s things in the hopes that they’ll like your stuff. It’s a big validation circle jerk.

So I end up using it very rarely. And I feel like I’m happier that way.

Eric

muted says:

“Once you’re friends with a girl on Facebook, she can get a very good idea about you. That can take away a lot of the intrigue.”

this so true and i didn’t realize it until now. I met a girl a while back and immediately went to look her up on facebook. i didn’t friend her or anything but i wanted to see what she was about. well her page was blocked to outsiders and i was only more intrigued. other times this has happened but their profiles are open, after flipping through a few of her pictures i’ll get totally bored of her. I don’t want this reaction from girls i just met so just now i limited my profile to friends only.

I have to agree with eric though, i love facebook for keeping in touch with distant family and old friends. the only other reason i keep it is because nowadays people don’t phone around to invite you out, they create an event or send you a message. all the rest of facebook is entirely exhausting, you never get anywhere with relationships with friends and i waste far to much time on it. in some ways i wish it was never invented.

Stephen says:

Superb.

I have facebook and had 350 and just kept adding and adding. Now, I have 103! I took all the girls off who I like and much dead wood (people who don’t bother with me).

To be honest, I think having only 103 friends says a lot more than having a 500+ (or even 1000+!). It shows you care about your close friends and that, like Eric mentions, it gives you mystery and above all value.

Facebook is a bastard. Don’t become attached to it.

Boris says:

I always start taking out the trash when I get above a certain amount of “friends”.

Lee says:

This is a good article. I would generalize the insights. Too much bantering anywhere – text, email, online dating sites – is bad. What kind of man has the time to banter back and forth with a total stranger, a woman he knows almost nothing about? A desperate man. A few short, clever text messages are enough. What you’re waiting for is an indication of interest. Once she gives that to you – for example, by asking a question or complimenting you – cut it short like this: “oh sugah, don’t you know that any illusion we create here together with words will be shattered in the first three minutes of being in each other’s proximity? it’s called chemistry. heard of it? :-) ” Almost all women will respond positively to a man talking about chemistry, at which point, it’s OK to just ask her out. But don’t ask, tell! Like this: “wed. 9pm. the blah-blah-blah bar. destiny awaits!”

Karma says:

Destiny awaits? Lee…I am getting attracted to you! *hear signs* But seriously Lee, I steal your lines all the time…and your podcast (on this site) has a bunch of cool routines I use often, verbatim. Never had the opportunity to thank you, so here’s a BIG THANK YOU! *hugs*

Lee says:

@Karma Thanks, bro. That means a lot.

Look out for these spamming hoes on facebook. These random facebook hoes tagging people’s pics and half naked when nobody wants to see them.

Fred Flintstone says:

What about places where you cannot find girls out? Such as where there are too little girls in cafes and no night clubs. And you don’t have any female friends or relatives. I thought that Facebook is a good place to start a friendships and then when you see some of those girls out (on a street for example) it won’t be hard to get…

Oh, whatever… You mean that I have to accept that the only girls out there are the ones in cafes (around 15 girls, %1-2 of the local population, and they don’t come often).

And day game… Is she taken? Is she smart? Is she from my ethnicity? Is she suitable? Won’t she tell to her all friends what it happened? So next time when I met one of her friends won’t they think that I’m player.

I was expecting something like “I don’t know Facebook game” rather than “Facebook game doesn’t help”.

Though the article you wrote might be valid for places where all girls go out (cafes and night clubs and parties) and for those who don’t want serious relationship.

Eric Disco says:

I thought that Facebook is a good place to start a friendships and then when you see some of those girls out (on a street for example) it won’t be hard to get…

If you want to start friendships through Facebook, that’s okay. I can’t say how efficient that will be for you depending on your location and ability to approach women in real life.

What I’m referring to here is friending women on facebook after you’ve met them. That almost always works against you.

And day game… Is she taken?

One of the benefits of online dating is that you know she’s available and looking for someone. This does not necessarily hold true on Facebook.

Seeing her profile does not give you much insight that will help you progress the relationship with her. You don’t know if she’s updating her status whenever she’s single or in a relationship or “it’s complicated.”

You are better off pushing the relationship forward and seeing how she responds. Believe me, if she has a boyfriend, she’ll tell you.

Is she smart? Is she from my ethnicity? Is she suitable?

You’re much better off feeling this out in person than you are through a profile. A profile tells you little to nothing about a person.

Eric

green says:

This is an excellent article!

I completely agree with Eric. Facebook is a deathtrap. Use it only to be in touch with old friends and organize events. I also suggest to keep your profile as much empty as possible – no info, no pics. Your friends already know whatever they need to know, why put extra information for somebody unknown, or may be your current or potential employer, or your potential dates/gfs.

J.G. says:

Hey Eric, How do you decline a facebook invite from a girl?

Eric Disco says:

Hey Eric, How do you decline a facebook invite from a girl?

I would just ignore it. If later she asks you why you didn’t friend her, say that you don’t get on facebook that much.

If you were talking with a girl over e-mail and tried to friend her on facebook, but didn’t hear back on facebook, it would just stoke your curiosity.

Eric

Axel says:

Say you’re in a sort of social circle where you meet regularly – fuck it: say you’re a dude in a damn church choir and you’ve been gaming a few sopranos and what not, and they then add you on FB. Say you get nagged at for not accepting their requests, and then face the choice of either accepting or facing the (if slight) possibility of being somewhat isolated from the group.

Basically, what if you might be seen as weird or whatever for not accepting? As in not as often invited into the social life of the group,because you’ve marked a wall, a distance between you and these girls?
That’s why I felt I had to add these girls when they nagged me, because I might be viewed as wierd and thus avoided by all the girls. I’m sure it’s very silly, it sounds silly as I type it out, but that’s what happened.

Am I making sense?

Socialkenny says:

Really like this post.Im an anti-Facebook gamer for the simple fact that many women online would opt for keeping it online.

Cameron says:

Why didn’t you just accept their friend request Axel? You seem to have been making this more complicated than it really is.

I have a rule that I (almost) always accept invites and offers from people. I mean I’d have to be really hard pushed to turn down someones invite. There’s this idea that your breeding an abundant lifestyle simply by accepting all the cool things life throws your way.

Axel says:

I did accept, that’s the whole point.
Why shouldn’t I? Well this post kinda tells that story for me.

I have the same rule man, I do the same thing. But then you have people saying facebook is a deathtrap and so on.

As far as making things more complicated than they are, that’s pretty much my specialty. I mean, it’s kinda my thing, it’s what I do.

Cameron says:

Well, you have the option of just STOPPING all that Axel, you know that, right?

Axel says:

:O WHAT?? :P Never thought of that!

What are you suggesting exactly? Forgetting all game? Or achieving some arcane wisdom of zen-like simplicity that will make everything simple as? I’m not poking fun or anything, I’m genuinely curious.

Cameron says:

Just relaxing man, it doesnt have to be so hard, honest. The girls want to meet a cool guy too…….

Axel says:

Actually, I’m good at relaxing when I’m around girls, the problem is when I’m away and thinking about the situation.

Doc says:

Hang on, Eric. You say in the article how Facebook can dispel a lot of your mystery, but then later on down you say,

“A profile tells you little to nothing about a person.”

I’m confused.

Eric Disco says:

Hang on, Eric. You say in the article how Facebook can dispel a lot of your mystery, but then later on down you say,

“A profile tells you little to nothing about a person.”

I’m confused.

If she finds out you’re a computer programmer and you grew up in Florida, that doesn’t tell her much about you as a person. She’s not getting to know you.

But it also takes away some of the mystery for her. It allows her to peg you down. She’s known some dorky computer programmers. This guy must be the same.

Likewise, you can find out facts about her. But that’s not what builds the connection. You telling her over facebook that you like the same band as one she’s listed will not build that connection. That will make you seem try-hard. It’s when she’s sharing feelings with you that the connection is built.

Eric

Rad says:

Who wrote this crap? A 13 year old? Someone’s overly conscious. Has it ever occurred to the writer that maybe. Just maybe – some women with actual common sense look pass your Facebook profile?

Newbie says:

Hey Eric, nice post. I had a quick question for you.

If you met someone through online dating and decide to be in a long distance relationship, would you still recommend not interacting over FB?

Cheers!

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