Get Her To Say “YES!”
by 
Eric Disco
Another excellent post by my good friend Robbie Kramer from Inner Confidence.
It’s funny how we make things a lot more difficult than they have to be.
By we I mean men, and what I’m talking about specifically is approaching women.
Has something like this ever happened to you before:
You see a woman you find attractive.
You walk up to her and compliment her and then ask for her phone number or date.
It probably went something like this:
“Hey I just wanted to tell you that you are really beautiful, would you like to have coffee with me?”
She blows you off by either rolling her eyes, flat out saying no or says “Sorry I have a boyfriend.”
You walk away feeling deflated and a little stupid.
But at least you tried, you tell yourself. Better to walk away having tried then regretting would could have been, right?
I’ve been studying this stuff for a LONG time and during that time I approached thousands of women.
Occasionally, this approach would lead to a date and a great opportunity but my batting average was pretty darn low, like 10%.
Hundreds of these approaches went exactly like the description above and man was it frustrating!
Everyone kept telling me, just go up to her and have fun. I was trying to have fun but rejection after rejection is NEVER fun.
There are very few FUN activities that involve a 90% failure rate.
I searched high and low to figure out what I could do to have fun, because there was no way I could keep this up if I wasn’t have fun.
The first thing I realized is that I had fun when women said “Yes” to me.
This was an extremely important realization.
But this happened rarely. So I had to figure out why women weren’t saying “Yes” to me.
If you walk up to a woman you’ve never met before and you ask her out on a date or ask for her phone number, is that something that she can easily say yes to?
Here are some reasons why she would say yes:
1) She finds you attractive
2) She feels comfortable around you
3) She wants to get to know you further
4) She trusts you
Here are some reasons why she would say no:
1) She finds you unattractive
2) She feels uncomfortable around you
3) She has no interest in getting to know you further
4) She doesn’t trust you
5) She really does have a boyfriend
6) She is nervous around strangers
7) She only dates Chip N Dales dancers
Obviously both of these lists can be expanded.
But the point I’m trying to make is this:
IT’S WAY EASIER FOR HER TO SAY “NO” THEN IT IS TO SAY “YES”
Even if she finds you attractive and wants to get to know you better, she may be a little bit shy, or not completely certain to say “yes” in which case, you’ll walk away empty handed.
I promise that you’ll have a lot more success if you do this instead:
Ask for things that are easy for her to say “yes” to.
After you get a few “yeses” you’ll probably get “yes” when you ask for the date or a number.
I’m not talking about a “Yes Ladder” here either, this isn’t about manipulating people’s minds or cajoling a woman into doing something she doesn’t want to do. I’m simply talking about common sense.
To make a sweeping but reasonably true generalization about how men and women behave during the modern day process of courtship, men are trying to get to the good stuff as fast as possible while women are trying to slow things down and make sure her suitor is a good fit.
So do yourself a favor and slow down, boss! ;) Trust me, you’ll stand out from the pack.
So if you’re thinking… “Ok Robbie, what should I do instead?” Then let me fill you in.
When you approach a woman, ask for things that she will probably say yes to. Or in other words, try to create a win/win scenario.
Example #1:
Let’s say the last 10 approaches you did resulted in nothing but frustration. Wouldn’t it be nice to at least get a positive reaction? Well here’s a surefire way to get one.
Say this: “Hi, the last 10 beautiful women I approached like this shot me down hardcore, so can you do me a favor and tell me that I’m not the ugliest guy in the world, and then tell me that I’m super cool, even if it’s a lie. :)”
She’ll laugh and she’ll probably do it.
Why?
Because it’s easier for her to do it, then to not do it!
You win!
Why?
Because you started an interaction with a laugh and a smile, a big improvement then what was happening before.
Don’t worry about getting the date or the phone number yet. If you can’t at least get a smile, going for a date is gonna be stretch. Baby steps…
Example #2:
Let’s say the last time you went out to a bar and approached women, your interactions went really poorly. They lasted only a few moments and ended in rejection.
You didn’t know what to say to start the conversation and you were way in your head all night.
Say this: “Hi, the last time I went to a bar, I didn’t have much fun because I was in my head and the conversations I had never lasted longer then 30 seconds. Here’s my request. I’m gonna talk to you for 31 seconds and if you catch me thinking, I want you to slap me. Then I’m gonna go to the bathroom. Ready, set, go!
This example along with example #1 will almost always result in a really positive interaction.
Why?
Because you aren’t trying to “game” her, you are being honest, your honesty is actually really funny because… well, it’s honest and most people don’t have the balls to be that honest.
Lastly, it’s easier for her to say “yes” then “no.”
Like I always say… don’t use my words if they aren’t authentic to what you are experiencing, thinking and feeling, because they won’t work.
Make up your own instead. I just showed you how to do it in the examples above.
Women want to get asked out. Women want to give out their phone number. Women want to have sex.
BUT… Women don’t want to do any of these things before they feel comfortable.
If you feel uncomfortable, they’ll feel uncomfortable because emotions are contagious.
Bottom line, when you approach them, start off by asking for things that make you feel comfortable and chances are, you’ll hear the word YES quite a bit.
Every time you get a yes, you build confidence.
And like I always say, if you focus on building confidence, the byproduct will be an abundance of women.
Cheers,
Robbie Kramer
This article was simultaneously posted on InnerConfidence.com
Posted in Acceptance, Attraction | 
11 Comments »
Interesting approach, but does veer towards ‘a cheesey pick-up line’. Perhaps another approach would be to try and come across as genuine but witty/fun. Look around you and see if you can strike up a conversation based on your environment – i.e. you’re at a bar – ask her if she can recommend any good cocktails, comment on the drink that she has just ordered etc
Robbie, I like the direction you’re headed in. You seem to be doing two things here:
1) You’re making statements about yourself and how you feel. This is important because if you’re locked up or in your head or scared, talking about it will be one less barrier between you and the girl. There will also be less pressure on the girl if you can talk about yourself rather than ask her a ton of questions.
2) You’re calling it out. You’re the one taking the lead and talking about how you feel, talking about the current situation. Calling it out demonstrates a lot of leadership and is one of the very best tools in the game.
I think this naturally leads to places where you simply check in with yourself about how you feel at the time, and call it out with women.
You see a cute girl carrying a yoga mat. How does that make you feel?
Maybe it reminds you that you haven’t done yoga in a really long time or that you’re really inflexible right now.
“I haven’t done yoga in so long,” you say to her. “I must be totally inflexible right now.”
In a way practicing this is the best way to learn situational opening because you’re learning to listen to your inner dialogue and accept your feelings rather than push them away.
Eric
Some of this stuff is very clever. I have never tried this type of approach but I am guessing that it would work pretty well if delivered correctly. There is some controversy in the community about whether we want girls to say yes more often or whether we want to get to the negative responses quickly so we can move on. The latter is what Brad P advocates in his podcast interview on this site.
“There is some controversy in the community about whether we want girls to say yes more often or whether we want to get to the negative responses quickly so we can move on. ”
I didnt know that Lee, I’ve noticed for myself when I started Robbies advice and calling girls out on their bullshit, I started having a lot more fun and could really leave the interaction with my head held high.
Rather than hearing “Oh, I have a boyfriend” and slinking away feeling downhearted.
Being like, ” nah you dont, your just saying that to blow me off!” or whatever, it really made a big difference for me.
It was easy for me to assume that if a girl puts up resistance, she just wasn’t interested, but now that Im practicing having a backbone, often I see this just isn’t the case.
As I said, I have no doubt that this stuff works, but listen closely to Brad’s interview. He is making exactly the opposite point, that he doesn’t want to stay in an interaction in which he doesn’t get immediate attraction. He calls it a filter. The community is diverse and there are many ways to think about the approach. If it is important to you to have a positive interaction, more power to you. This sounds like your answer. On the other hand, if approaching is psychologically easy for you, but you don’t want to spend a lot of time talking to girls who, it turns out later, were not attracted to you from the start, you may want to choose the opposite strategy. I’ve seen Robbie in print and in video. He is impressive and I have no doubt he can make this work, but it doesn’t mean it’s the strategy everyone would choose.
Figuring out what “works” is an important question. Usually when someone asks, does this “work”, they mean, does this get the desired reaction from women.
But I think we can look at this more holistically. It’s not just about what gets the desired reaction from women, but what gets the desired reaction from yourself as well.
What makes you feel the way you want to feel? What makes this fun for you?
Taking more risk works. It filters out the women you don’t want quickly while drawing in the women you do want even more. But exactly how much risk and what kind of risk you’ll be taking depends a lot on you as an individual.
Take an extreme example. You’ve never approached a woman in your life. You will probably be better of simply trying to get into a conversation with a woman than trying to get sexual or even trying to banter. It’s difficult to be funny and banter when you’re completely inhibited.
Here’s another example of a guy who took a huge risk by walking up to a girl on a crowded train and saying “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me!”
Yes, the trend is that the more risk you take, the more reward. But I think the growth path isn’t so clear. I think a lot of guys fall into the trap of going from 0-60 mph in two seconds flat. You will not be Mystery on your first night out. And trying to do too much too soon can leave you detached from yourself and more importantly, take away all the fun.
So maybe for a few weeks you want to work on just going out and telling women what you feel. Build your muscle of spontaneity.
Maybe for a few weeks you want to practice being more sexual.
The reason that guys get approach anxiety in the first place is that they’re trying to do 20 things at once without regard for their own feelings. Their trying to get things to “work” on the girl without checking in and pacing themselves.
The flip side of this, which I think Lee is saying–and I’ve fallen into this trap–is that we slip into a comfort zone where we have nice, pleasant interactions all the time and that leads to massive flakes because we aren’t challenging ourselves or the women.
Eric
“…….and man was it frustrating!”
Through all this PUA world, seduction community. ….etc, I have always wondered :
===> getting a woman, is that a RIGHT or a PRIVILEGE
provided that human beings are programmed to feed and reproduce, it should sound normal that it should be a right, not a privilege
It seems today, that it has become a privilege
@Jeff If it’s a right, what should the cops do, force a chick to date you?
Hey Guys,
Some really great discussion here. After reading AS and Lee’s responses I had a long speech about “getting this stuff to work” pop into my head but then Eric really nailed it with his response.
I always think twice about posting example “openers” in my articles for fear that they will be misinterpreted, picked apart and over-analyzed but I like to do it anyway because debate is always a good thing and room for deeper understanding.
First off, to respond to Eric’s statement:
“1) You’re making statements about yourself and how you feel. This is important because if you’re locked up or in your head or scared, talking about it will be one less barrier between you and the girl. There will also be less pressure on the girl if you can talk about yourself rather than ask her a ton of questions.”
EXACTLY, “AS” said above: “Perhaps another approach would be to try and come across as genuine but witty/fun.”
I’m not sure why the example’s I posted didn’t sound witty/fun/genuine to you, AS, but that was exactly what they were in my mind. Not sure why you thought they were “cheesy” love to hear your thoughts…
Eric’s second statement:
“2) You’re calling it out. You’re the one taking the lead and talking about how you feel, talking about the current situation. Calling it out demonstrates a lot of leadership and is one of the very best tools in the game.”
Yes, and to add to it, calling it out not only demonstrates leadership but it frees you up to express yourself and move the interaction forwards towards sex. The more comfortable and free you feel, the easier you can continue to push sexual tension forward.
Lastly, to respond to Lee’s discussion about Brad P. I don’t really think I am saying anything opposite of what he’s saying. Brad wants to quickly weed out women that aren’t attracted to him. If you are in the situation to weed out women, it means that you are consisntely creating a lot of attraction often enough to have the luxury of quickly disqualifying the ones that aren’t exactly what you want. My guess is that most guys reading this blog aren’t in that situation. Also, I’m NOT saying that you should just take whatever you get if you are not in Brad’s shoes and lower your standards.
My approach towards improvement with women has very little to do with filtering women out. It’s all about building confidence and getting more and comfortable speaking your mind, expressing what you want and taking it. Hope that clears some stuff up for you.
Makes a lot of sense, Robbie
Great post from Robbie.Eventhough Robbie discounted it,this does sound like a form of “yes ladder’.But in this case,you’re not looking for a string of yeses-just a positive vibe to begin the interraction.