The Overthinking Trap: How to Not Fall Victim
by 
Eric Disco
Today we have another excellent post by my good friend Robbie Kramer from Inner Confidence.
Being a smart person is usually a good thing. However, when it comes to meeting and dating women, it can sometimes get in the way.
There are many ways where over thinking about dating and meeting women hurts you.
It’s not easy to just stop thinking. Stopping automatic thoughts won’t work. But there are some things you can do instead.
Be your own best friend.
At some time in point, there has to be a shift in the way you talk to yourself about meeting and dating women.
Instead of the voice that beats you up, you’ve got to be your own best friend and pat yourself on the back for trying.
This is essential, because at the end of the day it’s your life and you’re the most interested in your own success.
Be the guy who encourages himself and keeps a positive attitude about meeting and dating women.
Make a decision and roll with it.
There are many schools out there and many strategies for meeting women.
Instead of being confused and lost about what to do or how to improve, here is a great technique I thought of the other day.
Oftentimes we get so bogged down in the daily grind that stepping back and trying to look at your life objectively will help.
Start by sitting in a room by yourself and talking about you and your life in the 3rd person. (If this feels weird to you, then write it down instead.)
For example, let’s say there is a guy named Jerry who is improving his relationships with women. Jerry should sit by himself and start a dialog with himself about himself:
“So Jerry, I see you’re going out once a week and I feel, as your friend, that you could be doing more. You’ve done a great job so far and you’re focused and determined. What do you think you need to work on? Teasing? Well, that’s a good idea, but I think you really need to work on just being able to carry the conversation. I can tell you’re committed…”
Conversations like this, as silly as it may sound, help you coach yourself to success because you gain awareness of your current strengths and weaknesses.
Awareness is the first step to change and building this is key.
At the end of the day, better than anybody, you know EXACTLY what you need to do to be successful and it’s a matter of trusting yourself.
Notice how the self-coaching is always inquisitive and always suggestive.
If you do this enough, you will get into a habit of being comfortable with your decisions because you’re finally listening to the one voice that matters, yours.
Recognize your strengths and acknowledge them.
An important part of meeting women is to acknowledge your strengths and what you are offering to women.
I remember when I was first learning I felt like I didn’t have a lot to offer women. That’s why I went to routines and others tricks to entertain women.
Later on, I realized that I had to look at my strengths and recognize what I could offer.
I realized that I offer: my listening, my presence, my smile, my wittiness, my attention, my focus, my affection. The list can go on.
These are gifts that I am sharing with the woman I’m talking to. Always remember that what are you bringing to the table is yourself.
Neurotic thinking usually involves thinking that disempowers you, that makes you feel not OK, makes you feel like you’re not good enough, or makes your feel stuck and confused.
Catch your dis-empowering thoughts.
A big suggestion I have for guys stuck in their head is to try and stop their neurotic thinking. Thinking is OK, but neurotic thinking is bad. When can you recognize the difference?
Whenever your thoughts make you feel good and are empowering, its usually not neurotic thinking.
Neurotic thinking usually makes your feel bad and can even give you a headache!
This can be tough practice, but catch your thoughts that are neurotic. They usually sound like
- “I need to learn…”
- “Man, I suck at…”
- “When will I ever…”
- “Why don’t women…”
- “I wish I was like…”
- “I need to study…”
Each one of the above are examples of thinking that is not serving you. Catch those thoughts.
The moment you recognize them, they go away.
It’s your mind playing tricks on you, trying to bully you and beat you up. In reality, you are good enough!
Recognize the inauthenticity in these thoughts. A majority of them are simply not true and not based in reality.
The reality is, that you are OK the way you are, you’re an attractive guy who has a lot to offer, and you are good enough.
Make win-win relationships with the world.
Another issue that comes with meeting and dating women is seeing other men who are doing much better than you.
You can harbor resentment, jealousy and even envy for men who are doing better than you.
The best way to stop thinking like this is to stop seeing the world as a competition where some men win and others lose or where women win and men lose.
This way of thinking is harmful and creates an inferiority complex the more you think these thoughts.
Start taking each of these situations and see how you can make them win-wins.
A guy who is successful with women is also someone worth befriending and modeling.
Women who are getting lots of dates are an opportunity to work on yourself and be the guy she chooses.
Every scenario in your head that you are running where you are “losing” and someone else is “winning” can be turned into a win-win relationship.
Eventually you will start seeing the world as abundant and your opportunities as limitless. This is a good place to be.
So remember, when it comes to connecting with people and being social, following a few small rules to avoid overthinking can make your social success that much easier.
Cheers,
Robbie Kramer
This article was simultaneously posted on InnerConfidence.com
Posted in Acceptance, Self-Improvement Strategies | 
27 Comments »
Excellent point about win-win relationships…I have struggled with feeling not “on the same level” as other people, both guys and girls, but that puts things in perspective for me.
Hey Mark,
Yeh I know what your saying, I admit I have a petty mindset, and often feel jealous of other people who are more successful/richer/ better looking than me.
Thinking like this doesnt do anything for me or for them though.
If we can get past this, and make the world a win-win place. We can really make this world work for everyone.
Great Article Robbie!
Thanks Cameron, and great noticing Mark, seeing that behavior will allow you to stop it and replace it with something more beneficial.
What a well times post Robbie. Just for the past two day’s I’ve adopted a new strategy to deal with my self defeating thoughts. I jam them, I jam them with constantly repeating to myself, “What do I like about myself?” I figure my brain will have to give me some answers, as that’s what I’m feeding it. I’m noticing my flaws through this question too, because my brain seems to pull out funny answers at time. But this gives me awareness and also this has improved my mood.
Cheers,
Tido
This overthinking is so true. But if you think about it the community promotes and really confuses the issues. One guy will tell you to do this, another guy will say “NO” do this instead and your swimming in your brain. They they want all kinds of money for the programs and you find yourself broke adn more confused then ever.
Its not petty to think that better looking/successful/richer/status guys are doing better. On the whole just by default they are. So this whole “game” thing is supposed to be the “great equalizer” but again, that’s kind of impossible when you so confused on what to do and one naturally overthinks out of just being human.
Then there is the guy who is successful with women. Who is really great with women? Its usually good looking, taller guys who were good with women when they were younger (and the girls liked him then) and from there he just continued on his course. This kind of guy does not overthink – he just does. Its due to him always “doing” and he just follows that train. Learning from a guy like this is impossible. Why? Well they just do. They cant teach it. Ted Williams was a terrible manager. He could not teach his hitting. He just did it.
The world can be a win-win place but again, with all this information out there I get so confused I do not what to do. Until the next program comes along and then says…”oh thats cool but my program will help you beyond that”…you know? Its kind of like a newer version of a soap. This version cleans you even better – but does it really?
Randy says: “Its not petty to think that better looking/successful/richer/status guys are doing better. On the whole just by default they are. So this whole “game†thing is supposed to be the “great equalizer†but again, that’s kind of impossible when you so confused on what to do and one naturally overthinks out of just being human.”
Psychology Today has an interesting article in this month’s U.S. edition (not sure if they put out different issues elsewhere in the world) titled “The Puzzle of Pretty Boys.” It’s not online, but it talks about how for men, looks just aren’t that important when it comes to being attractive to women. They cite one study that found that men were very much in agreement when judging whether women were attractive or not. But with women, they were all over the place, with some women saying certain guys were really attractive but other women saying the same guys were butt-ugly.
So I think we’re lucky to be guys. We can easily change how attractive we are to women with things as simple as improving our clothing choices. And to some extent we also have control over our wealth and social status, both of which can also improve attraction. But an ugly woman is an ugly women and short of radical plastic surgery, there’s not much she can to change men’s perception of her, so she’s always going to get the short end of the stick in the dating game.
But yes I agree with your sentiments that pickup advice can be contradictory and confusing and leave you paralyzed. I focus on the nuggets that I find beneficial and discard things that I know are not true or that just don’t feel right to me. But it is a buyer beware market out there.
This is an art for, there is no one recipe.
*yawn* Too preach!
Do me a favour Eric, when you next have a guest writer, please include it in brackets at the end of the title (guest post), so that my RSS reader will clearly display it and I can then decide if I wish to come over and risk my time and effort. I subscribed to read Eric’s writing, not his guests’!
p.s. Hey Eric, you know what they say about influence being like a savings account and the more you use it, the less you have of it left? We love you, but not necessarily your guests. Please take your time to write posts, but please don’t force-feed us posts from people we have not opted-in to read.
Hey Tz,
Great points mate!
We are so much luckier than women.
I think its a great point that looks aren’t that important when it comes to women.
I have a couple of friends that are super good looking, and do they do better with women than average? Yes they do.
But considering how FUCKING HANDSOME THEY ARE they dont do that much better.
If looks were so important, why is Catherine Zeta Johnes dating Michael Douglas? Why is Claudia Schiffer dating a guy with glasses who is smaller than her?
If it was all about genetics, I guarantee you Catherine ZJ could find a man with better genetics than Michael Douglas.
But its not all about that! Its all about what you do with what your given!
“The world can be a win-win place but again, with all this information out there I get so confused I do not what to do. Until the next program comes along and then says…â€ÂÂoh thats cool but my program will help you beyond thatâ€ÂÂ…you know? Its kind of like a newer version of a soap. This version cleans you even better – but does it really?”
I’ve been in the same place Randy, the truth is your giving up your power if you rely on products and workshops, you never really needed any of that stuff, and you never did.
I’ve met some of the guys that teach this stuff. And they’re cool guys.
But if you think they’re all perfect, your sadly mistaken.
They struggle with the same things we do Randy, self-doubt, self-sabotage, motivation……
People can show you the door Randy, but its you that has to walk through it.
And, of course, you can do it, you have what it takes, I guarantee their are lots of women in your life wishing you had made a move on them and wondering why your still single.
I believe in your Randy! I know you can do it!
Cameron I like what you are saying but its like when people are buying a car. The person with $20,000 in their pocket has a score more choice than the person with $10,000. Its the same with hot women. I was out again last night and went my usual 0 for whatever with my approaches and “charm” at a local club and again, you see the hottest women with the hottest men. And the majority are taller decent looking guys. Not shorter or losing their hair like me (no I will not shave my head – I work in corporate America and they frown on that look plus it makes me look like a cancer patient). Oh yeah my personality and great body language are going to attract hot women. Well so far its not happened. These women want who they want. The community is all about money. So far nothing has worked. Thank God I am not a cancer patient, I might be really dying at the hands of kook Doctors…lol..
Its not self sabotage. How could it be when you put yourself out there and try? Thats no true. And so far no top instructor has really shown me the door. I have studied with a number of the top guys and none of it has worked. Yet my better looking friends get approach by hotter women and me I have studied this stuff (and spent a fortune) and have not had a date with a beautiful women my whole life.
I also do not think we are luckier than women. Why? Well women are the choosers. They have the power of choosing. They also are the selectors. Two different things completely. A guy can go round and round saying that he can spike buying temperature or he can get the woman emotionally attached but what you have to do to actually do that is unbearable at best.
Any woman at any time can have sex or a relationship in an evening if she really tried. She can walk into a bar, start a conversation with a dude and she has instant boyfriend. It might not be the best relationship but at least its a relationship. If she is clever enough and supportive enough she will snare the guy. Now a guy has to do this and that and say Horse girl or some absurd community trick and maybe (1 out of 20 maybe) will be reciprocal. Maybe. Mystery claims 5 out of 5 but hell he’s Mystery right?
Its much more difficult to be a guy. There is not way around that. We have to put ourselves out there and work hard all the chick has to do is just show up.
Lets say you have a hot model type or even a 6 in a club. Both will attract men (they may be of different levels but they will) and both could go home with a man that night in 10 minutes if they tried. And women are aggressive today so they do take the first move alot. You can say, well what it the woman wants to have a relationship. That’s easy too. I have a receptionist that is a 6 at best and she has at least 5 guys buying her lunch, coffee, giving her show tickets just by flirting with the guys. What kind of guy has that unless his last name is Rockefeller or Trump?
Now take the same in a guy. The model and 6 guy will both still have to work (with the model having it much easier) to get a girl home. It could and most likely if it does happen, take hours as opposed to say 10 minutes. If a guy was a receptionist (or something like that) unless he is Brad Pitt quality he is going to have to buy his own coffee.
This is another community lie. No sorry unless proven otherwise, women have it way easier. Way. There is no way around that one.
sorry to be long winded but I forgot to mention the most important thing here…if women have the total power here, what does a guy have to really do beyond money and supposed wonderous game? Does he have to sell his soul? What honestly does a guy have to do?
Randy, if only rich/ good-looking guys have a chance, then why is it that so many of them have no dates?
I did not say they are the only ones that have a chance, but they have the BEST chance by far – by far.
How do we know that they have no dates? Where do you get that info?
In my business and social circles I know quite a number of decent looking to handsome guys that have quite a bit of money or are comfortably successful and they are all either dating away with attractive women or married or playing the field successfully. I know at least 20 plus in this area and they are all doing pretty well from what I can tell. None are dateless like me….not one…
Infact I was at a Halloween party with a number of them at a club I am a member of a week ago and I was the only one their dateless or not successful in meeting anyone.
So how do we know they have no dates? Thats folly from what I see and know
Randy,
If whatever you’ve tried and whatever you’re currently doing isn’t working, then why not try something different, even if that means giving the heave-ho to all the community horseshlt?
What is it that you’re trying to get and what have you tried? Do you want one-night stands? Do you want a serious girlfriend? Multiple girlfriends? A wife?
And what have you tried in terms of improving yourself? Have you tried changing your look, your style, your clothes? All of that can make a big difference in how people perceive you. Do you only go to clubs? Or have you tried other places, other opportunities, other ways of meeting girls? Again, there can be considerable differences in a guy’s success in those different venues.
And if you think pickup gurus don’t have anything to offer, what else have you tried? What other methods, styles, or ways of approaching women?
Just curious. I think your answers could help guide you to where you should be or things you could try and see if you get a different outcome. But one thing I would suggest is trying to get rid of the mindset that only goodlooking or wealthy guys are considered attractive to women. And replace it with a more positive outlook about yourself. Walking around with the thoughts you have now is doing nothing, nothing, nothing to help you and is only working against you. Find something that rings true to you and can help boost your confidence. You seem to be committed to the idea that goodlooking/rich guys have all the luck, so maybe something such as “Goodlooking and rich guys are going to find success more easily, but there are tons, millions, loads, of women out there who would actually be thrilled to be with a guy like me because I’m smart, funny, witty, fill in the blank, etc”. Something that starts your mind to seeing the possibilities, the opportunities out there, rather than your thoughts now which are really only seeing barriers and obstacles and roadblocks.
Well the only reason I am “committed” to the idea is that is what I see and have seen pretty much all my life (37 years).
I have just not seen the possibilities and thats a problem you know? I have tried alot and taken bootcamps and such and they are like all for naught. I bought a brand new wardrobe, work out, do yoga, go to group meets but whatever I say will not be enough. I can just here someone saying “oh you need to do 200 approaches a week” if I say I do 199.
Its just what I experience. I am continually called crazy “oh you dont see that”, “oh thats not the way things are.” Sorry , I saw that UFO in the sky and though it might not be little green men, I saw something and it was real to me. I even took a photo. What to see? You know?…lol..Its like when I was on a medication when it first came out, and I told the DR, I am really getting tired on this stuff. She told me, well the company says it does not do that. I said, its making me really tired. Well, famously they found out a year later that people were falling asleep like crazy on this stuff. Now they note that it causes droziness. I am not crazy and imagining this.
I just do not know what to do. I am continually trying new things but women just seem to go with the usual which is taller, full head of hair. Sorry I am lonely and the community has not helped and I just do not know what to do.
Randy, there are TONS of these rich or handsome guys that are romantic train wrecks. They try to impress women by wasting money on hair plugs, taking them on a first date on their yacht, and wind up getting no action. Meanwhile, the bad boy with zero in the bank and living in a rathole takes the girl to McDonald’s for the date, and gets the action.
If you look hard enough, you’ll see many of these rich or handsome, but unsuccessful guys. They’re striking out right and left, but you’re only paying attention to the successful ones because they are the stereotype and they are the flashiest and draw the most attention.
Just look at all the lonely politicians, CEOs and Hollywood celebrities that need to turn to prostitutes or strippers, or bounce from one trainwreck relationship to the next.
And a lot of model types–physically attractive–have boring personalities and their conversation falls flat. So maybe he caught the girl’s eye, but his total lack of game means she loses interest fast. I’ve heard and seen testimonies from guys who say “girls have found me good looking since high school, but never end up giving me a chance.”
So it’s not as straightforward as you think.
Randy,
Your real problem is your victim mentality. Your really angry and bitter right now and they only thing your going to attract with that attitude is angry and bitter women.
You need to make some fundamental changes in your BEING (not what you do) if your going to have success.
all the best,
Cameron
Randy,
Sorry, I didn’t explain myself very well. I didn’t mean to debate whether it’s true that only rich/goodlooking guys get the girl. In fact, let’s just accept that it is true. Fine. It’s totally true. But now what? You still want a woman, and that type of thinking is not helping you develop ways to meet and attract the women you desire. So my suggestion was just to start trying to develop more positive thinking. Start thinking more about “what are the the positive attributes you have to offer” and “how could I go over there and talk to her/attract her/make her laugh/whatever.” Your brain is a magnificent machine, if you give it the right input. If you give it that type of problem to solve, “how could I such and such,” it will start working on solutions. But what you’re doing now is giving it this input, “There is no solution. Only X type of guys get the girl. I’m not X type of guy. No solution.” So your brain accepts that. There’s no problem for it to solve. It’s already been solved, and even worse, you’re so committed to that idea that basically you’re setting up your brain to continue to come up with observations and data that fit your solution that only goodlooking/rich guys get the girl. I think it’s essential for your dilemma to change your perspective on this issue. It won’t happen overnight and it will take a lot of work and maybe you’d even want to enlist the help of a psychologist to help you find more positive ways of viewing things, but I think you can definitely change your perspective for the better if you want to.
As far as being lonely, I’m not sure what you mean. Do you mean lonely for female companionship or lonely in general? If it’s the latter, maybe just forget all about women for now and instead focus on building a foundation of friends/contacts/networks, etc.
Bump:
Fuck the LandmarkSpeak, subsitute
“You need to make some fundamental changes IN YOUR LIFE”
for the Landmark speak
Randy Says:
“I also do not think we are luckier than women. Why? Well women are the choosers. They have the power of choosing. They also are the selectors. Two different things completely. A guy can go round and ……………”
that’s right. But men gave them that power
in all civilizations, men ruled that only men approach women and women who approach are considered as disgraceful whores
it’s men who are responsible for that. If, in the earllier mankind evolution, men and women ruled that anyone can approach, we would have the same power to get laid or to reject
Two big things:
1) Women being choosers, getting any guy they want
-Stop thinking this is a 100% good thing. It’s great that there are assertive women out there but they’re certainly not that majority. Just because a woman ‘can’ have ‘any’ guy doesn’t mean it worth it or has value. A lot of women want a strong man that takes initiative, but if she has to make the first move, that’s pretty much lost. For the purposes of a relationship, it’s almost useless for her to choose a man/make the first move. That’s usually called ‘settling’. Settling – you’ve given up hope and you’re taking what you can get. Pathetic and lacking respect.
2) You have a bigger issue than just the material
-Someone above mentioned this too about having a victim mentality… I would say maybe deservedness/self worth things too. Learning the material might help you fake it until you make it, but if not, those underlying issues will sabotage you whether you realize it or not. I am experiencing this in reverse: women are more attracted to me now because I’ve changed my beliefs but haven’t done much external changing. I don’t understand how they notice these inner differences, but I can’t deny the experience exists.
Also… why do you need boot camps? You said yourself you know at least 20 successful people, but you think it’s just because they’re tall and handsome. Reminds of your balding comment — you don’t want to shave your head because … (you care too much what people think , not because corporate America has norms). Have you ever heard of Neil Strauss (Style)? He had balding issues too.
Anyway, ask and learn from your friends. They may not be able to teach you, but they may see some things you can work on and point them out to you. Learning is the responsibility of the student.
Randy….
This may not make a lick of sense….
but you need to find a way to forget who you believe you are, forget what you believe you know, and slowly find a way to believe in yourself. That’s it. If you don’t, IT WILL NOT WORK.
Ever see ugly guys dating hot women? Short ones? Fat, bald guys with thick glasses? No? You’ve probably trained yourself not to notice them. They’re out there, and they’re successful because they don’t give a rat’s ass that they’re fat/bald/short/dumb/ugly/whatever.
You need to forget everything.
And then you can start dating.
Actually I have really not seen hot women dating fat, bald, short dudes. If I did I would feel better about myself and think “if they can do it I can.” I would not be writing this if I did. I am no hermit mind you, I travel alot and have lived both here in the US and internationally. Overseas you see women being more liberal with men and looks but here in the US, its like if you are not 6ft and look a certain way, forget it you are doomed.
When I say I am lonely its for female companionship or just the feeling that I can date freely or have a chance too.
Yes I have read The Game and Strauss is a writer for Rolling Stone. I know he is supposedly a guru or something but I really wonder if he was just an average guy he would do so well.
Women are the choosers. The choose who they want and will date basically who they want. So how do I help myself here? Yes I can forget everything but if this is all based on evolutionary laws, how can I win? Am I a slave to my genes/evolution? I really wonder. Is this Darwinism at its best? Its really depressing if you think about it.
I am really lost my friends.
Zack and Randy—
What I’m trying to get across is that, being one of those people who always blamed everything on my appearance (sticking point for me was height) I resolved about 5 years back to try to let go of that, and chat with/flirt with people just as people….not as 10′s, or 5′s, just to try to flirt a bit more with girls who I thought was attractive, whether or not I believed that they could ever be into me.
Once I let go of that, the response was…just…positive. The hot 5’9 redhead who I thought never would give me a chance was perfectly willing to, and this story happened over and over. Now, I don’t think I can walk into a posh nightclub and have my pick of the scene by default, no. So you do have to cultivate a scene that works for you, and that you’re comfortable with. But the same girl who may give you crap at a nightclub may be perfectly willing to give you a shot if you meet her at a cafe or a bookstore.
You have to let go…that’s really all there is to it.
“Actually I have really not seen hot women dating fat, bald, short dudes. If I did I would feel better about myself and think “if they can do it I can.†…Strauss is a writer for Rolling Stone. I know he is supposedly a guru or something but I really wonder if he was just an average guy he would do so well.”
Okay, so Neil Strauss is short and bald, but not fat. And he was a somewhat successful author when he started gaming. So that’s the reason why it worked for him but can’t work for you.
If we found someone who was short, bald and fat and didn’t make a lot of money, you would find some other thing that this person has going for him that you don’t. We could find someone fat and not rich who’s successful with women (and there are plenty of those) and you would say it’s because he’s tall or not bald.
There is always a reason why someone else can do it and you can’t. You have a reason for failure that you cling to because it justifies why you don’t need to change critical things about yourself, so you can go on believing that there’s nothing you can do–everything is just the way it is.