The #1 Reason Guys Fail at Approaching Women

by Eric Disco
Sep 15

zhuzhu.deviantart.com13Today we have another brilliant post by my good friend Robbie Kramer from Inner Confidence.

Have you been approaching women but not getting the results you want because you have too much anxiety?

Then read on!

There is a tragic mistake men make over and over when they approach women.

I did it for years without even realizing it.

And a lot of the advice out there actually makes the problem worse.

This mistake leads to more approach anxiety, more rejection and leads most guys to eventually give up on this area of their life.

It’s funny but it took me almost four years to come to this realization even though I had been doing this stuff and teaching it for all that time.

Everyone knows that women are most attracted to confidence, but here’s the conundrum.

If you aren’t confident, how do you approach a woman?

What if you are feeling nervous or scared?

What if you are feeling weird or you don’t want to approach her with the chance of other random people seeing what you are doing?

What if you are worried about being creepy or looking like a fool?

If you feel any of this, chances are slim to none that you can confidently walk over and strike up a conversation.

Why?

Firstly, women sense whether you are confident or nervous.

You can try to hide it or mask it, but she’ll instantly pick up on your energy and emotions.

If you walk over with tons of anxiety, she’ll feel extremely awkward.

It doesn’t matter what you say, all she will hear is “This guy is awkward and is making me feel really uncomfortable, I need to leave NOW!”

zhuzhu.deviantart.com14Women will run away if you make them feel uncomfortable.

It’s not that women don’t like being hit on.

Women love to be hit on, but only by the guy who does it right.

The only reason that hitting on women has developed such a negative stigma is because most guys do it wrong and creep them out.

And it’s not even the nervous guys who creep them out the most.

The absolute worst are the guys who drive by and yell stuff out the window.

Next up are the guys who write stuff on her Facebook wall like “Baby you look fine… we should get together.”

Women aren’t stupid. They know when you are hitting on them.

Even if you trick them into thinking that you are not hitting on them, eventually you’re going to have to let the cat out of the bag.

And when you do, you’ll look like a wuss for masking your intentions.

It takes a lot of courage to approach a woman and if you’ve ever done it, I applaud you.75% of men have never done more than one cold approach in their entire life!

So if you’ve been trying to approach women but anxiety is getting in your way, then what I’m about to say will really help you out.

The tragic mistake that guys make is this:

They keep trying to approach women without addressing the feelings and nerves that are creating all that awkwardness.

They fail to address it because no one ever told them how important it is to address those feelings. And even if they did know how important it was to address those feelings, they wouldn’t know how.

But the solution is actually really simple:

Tell her what you’re feeling!

zhuzhu.deviantart.com12bThere are a few ways you can do this.

Firstly, call it out. Acknowledge what’s happening.

Let’s say for example, you nudge her on the arm and she jumps back startled.

Don’t just start talking about something else.

Instead, say “Oh sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.”

That is an example of calling it out. And you can do it right from the start.

Secondly, express your intentions. This is the fun part but also the trickiest part. This is when you actually start telling her why you came over to talk to her.

It’s the part that almost every guy screws up. But if you follow this advice, you will no longer be that guy.

She’s already sensing your emotions. So this is the part when you call yourself out, tell her what you want and do it in a way that is fun for both of you.

The way it’s done is different for everybody, so I’ll give you three examples:

Example #1: Guy is feeling really nervous and shy but wants to flirt with her anyway. He could say this: “Hi, I’m really nervous and kinda shy, but I really wanted to come over and flirt with you, my name is ____.”

Example #2: Guy feels weird about hitting on her in a public place with people watching. He could say this: “Hey, not to be that weird guy who hits on you in the ______, (pause) but I’ve gotta be that guy, you are too damn cute.”

Example #3: Guy feels anxious about hitting on her because he doesn’t know what to say or how to keep the conversation going. He could say this: “Hi, this might sound strange, but I really suck at making conversation with adorable women like yourself and I have no idea what to say but I figured I’d do it anyway. Hi, I’m ______. (pause) As I mentioned, I suck at this flirting thing so come on, let’s see what you got!” :)

zhuzhu.deviantart.com11Notice that in every example, it’s okay for the guy to feel nervous, awkward, scared, creepy, weird, or feel whatever he feels.

But if you don’t call it out and instead say something to try to hide your emotions, it won’t work. She’ll feel whatever you’re feeling anyway and excuse herself.

Instead, when you say what you’re feeling, she can connect with you emotionally.

Let me say that again because it is the most important part of this entire post.

If you say what you are feeling, she can connect with you emotionally.

If you can connect with her emotionally, you’re in the door! If you can’t, it gets slammed in your face.

If you follow this advice and express your emotions when you approach, you will feel better and better each time you do it.

You may not get a ton of phone numbers or attract a lot of women in the beginning when you are filled with anxiety but you will get good responses which will build your confidence.

Before you know it, you will no longer feel any of that crappy stuff and you’ll be able to approach confidently and meet tons of hot women.


This article was simultaneously posted on InnerConfidence.com

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posted in Acceptance, Ramp Up

COMMENTS
24 responses
Cameron says:

Great post, thanks for sharing that Eric.

I really love how simple and effective this idea is.

Thanks Cameron, glad you liked it.

pianoman says:

Why does it seem like going up to a girl you don’t know and telling her you’re about to hit on her is even creepier than if you were nervous and didn’t know what to say…

Hey Pianoman,

Good question. Beautiful women get hit on all the time so when you approach, they know what you’re doing. If you can call it out in a fun and playful way like I mentioned in the post, it’s like a breath of fresh air for them. If you try to mask your intention and have a hidden agenda, you’ll come across way more creepy, especially if you are really nervous and tongue tied. The point isn’t to tell her you are hitting on her, the point is to acknowledge your feelings to release the awkward tension in the air. Like I said in the post, women love to be hit on, so rather then feeling creepy about it, you might as well own it and have fun with it. It will make you stand out from all the other guys who beat around the bush and lack the confidence to say what’s on their mind and ask for what they want.

-Robbie

Eric Disco says:

Why does it seem like going up to a girl you don’t know and telling her you’re about to hit on her is even creepier than if you were nervous and didn’t know what to say…

Robbie, I’m assuming you’ve done this yourself or your students have done it? What were the results?

Eric

My go to approach for over a year was this line: “Hey, not to be that guy who hits on you in the _____, but (pause) yeah I’m gonna be that guy.” It worked better then anything else I’ve ever used because it was authentic and made me feel comfortable hitting on her. I even demonstrate it in my hidden camera video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RpxnC41YcKE

I have all my students use these same types of openers because they are 100% honest and allow you to quickly move through your negative feelings of approaching people. Results have been excellent, some of them only use these training wheels for a couple weeks and then they move on to situational type of stuff because they are quicker on their toes and more confident. Others get more and more creative with this style and continue to use it, it’s just a matter of preference at that point.

Mark02 says:

This is actually a great idea…though ironically, I think I’m too anxious with girls to even acknowledge how anxious I am in front of them : /

But it does seem doable I guess, with practice. Great article

Cameron says:

Hey Mark,

The thing is, if your really anxious, she’ll be able to feel it straight away anyway, so you may as well acknowledge it, because she knows its true.

You’d be surprised at the positive reactions this can get, guys almost never do this.

Cameron is right, Mark. The women you approach will feel that anxiousness energy coming off you, it will make them anxious and they will want to leave. But if you acknowledge it, they will appreciate the fact that you approached them anyway, they will respect you and they will almost always react in a positive way because they understand what being anxious feels like. Everyone has felt anxious as some point in their life, bringing it up creates an instant emotional connection. If you are too nervous to go direct you could try something simple like: “Hi, I’m feeling really anxious but I’m working on talking to strangers and meeting new people and I wanted to introduce myself, my name is Mark.

If you are actually feeling anxious when you say this, your words will connect with them and they will receive you positively. If you aren’t feeling anxious, it will feel like a lie to them and you’ll most likely be blown off. An opening statement like this will not generate much attraction, because women are typically turned off by anxious guys but generating attraction is not the point. The exercise is designed to simply get you past the shitty feelings that ruin your approaches. If you were to just try my example above 5-10 times, I guarantee you will feel WAY LESS anxious when you approach women, and then it will be easy to generate attraction because your anxious feelings will be replaced by confidence and that is sexy. Give it a shot and let me know what happens.

-Robbie

Peter says:

Hey Guys,

I’m a new face here but I’ve been following both Eric and Robbie for years. I have read AND TRIED nearly every pickup tactic under the sun and I must say that Robbie’s latest teachings have helped me more than anything.

I can attest to the advice of this article. I’ve been doing cold approaches consistently and I have noticed a distinct trend: Every time an interaction went well, it was because I was open and honest about the situation and my emotions. Every time an interaction didn’t go so well, it was because I was trying to posture and “plow through” the awkwardness.

If you call out the pink elephant in the room, women will RESPECT YOU for being authentic. Respect is a critical concept that is overlooked in the pickup world but I believe that it is the foundation that a woman’s attraction to a man is built on. I’ll be writing a full article about respect soon on my new blog.

Peter
Seattle, WA

wingman says:

I think Robbie is on to something here. It’s definitely one thing to condition yourself to approaching women. It’s another thing to be ok with what you’re feeling. It’s a totally different thing to call yourself out.

Most guys think by expressing nervousness, it’ll turn off the woman. I’m sure in some cases, it does – but not most. In fact, I’ve noticed that women LOVE it when a guy is nervous. BUT women look to see that you’re ok with that and are still putting your best foot forward.

Acknowledging your feelings is probably the best way. And adding fun to it actually takes the pressure off of you and serves as an actual icebreaker to the conversation.

Total genius, Robbie. ;)

I agree. It is OK to show that you are a little nervous. Girls think that is endearing.

Thanks Wingman! I’m glad you see it my way. ;)

Joe says:

I really like this approach idea. I like how it’s really honest making it a little easier to say. If you say it awkwardly then you don’t have to worry as much because you’re telling the girl that you’re nervous and she’ll understand.

But I was wondering about doing this in a bar or club setting. Can this be done with a 2 or more set? I feel like it could work but I don’t know.

Cameron says:

Yes it could!

Robbie has proof! (somewhere)

MrAntiquity says:

Robbie is spot on.

Nervousness is fine–it’s good actually–shows authenticity. I mean…if you’re not a bit nervous when you call a girl up, or ask her out, or ask her to marry you, something is psychologically out of whack. Not cripplingly nervous…just butterflies-nervous.

There is this thing in the ‘community’ about being hyper alpha and shutting off all your emotions. This enables people to hit on about 10,000 girls, block out their feelings, and get very excited about sleeping with 10 or 20 of them.

That’s all well and good….but the fact is that anyone who can open their mouth and flirt a bit can do that…but either they don’t realise this or they don’t really care because people really do value interaction.

If you’re really authentic and can actually go up to the few people you’re really interested in–and she actually FEELS that you’re interested in her–your success rate will skyrocket.

I don’t mean in terms of getting laid, either…I mean in terms of ending up with great women. Once you’re there, you won’t give a rat’s ass about success rate, because you will be who you want to be.

Leigh says:

Best of luck, fellows! For this is a horrible, awful game, played by those who can lie and deceive the most. I truly, truly wish you luck!

Paul says:

Is there anyway to do this without being so self-deprecating and apologetic?

Cameron says:

Well, the thing is Paul. If what your feeling is nervous, your going to come across as weak and apologetic anyway.

But when you acknowledge something and express it, it diminishes, and women will give you credit for being honest.

Then you can call out your thoughts and be more powerful

“wow, look at you” etc…..

Ariel says:

Thanks Robbie,
This is just what I needed now.

Indiana says:

Brilliant!
Thanks Robbie!

Enes says:

This is great post robbie.i’ve been reading lots of stuff lately.but i cant move or approach girls.I have social phobia/anxiety.how can i beat this feeling.maybe yours is little approach anxiety mine is so strong.you guys what did you do in the past for recovery?pick up stuff is wonderful but not being able to practise is killing me.how can i transform myself complete shy to extreme confident guy ?
Eventhough i loved robbie’s approach type this is very difficult to do for me.
Eric i sense from your posts you have social anxiety too.how did you get over it
thank you guys any answer appreciated.

Lee says:

You need to do exercises, dude, not pickup. Many of us have been in the same place. Eric’s book will be coming out very soon and then you will have a great resource for this stuff.

–Lee

dave says:

Enes – It is too bad that your honesty and sincerity is not a valued commodity in this game.I was rejected from the game many years ago and just live a life without women in it ( easier that way for everyone).
You are going to find activities that interest you and that interest
females so that you can have some friends ( if that is possible), and
you will live a life that includes women, and one whom you can
regard as special. Best wishes!

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