How to Get Her to Be Your Girlfriend

by Eric Disco
Sep 20

sophiegriotto.com10In a previous post, I talked about why you should start all relationships as casual relationships, whether you think you might want to make her your girlfriend or not.

But once you are in a casual relationship, seeing her every once in a while, how do you make it more serious?

Firstly, let’s talk about how not to do this. One of the worst ways to do this is to have a “talk” with her, to sit her down and say “I’d like to be in an exclusive relationship.”

This puts you in a bad position if she does say yes, and worse, it could easily make her feel crowded. If you have no options left on the table, then this may be something worth doing.

But there are a lot of better options.

Ideally, you want to see if you can get her to bring up wanting an exclusive relationship with you.

This puts you in a much better position and makes it more likely the relationship will be stable.

The thing is, you can’t logically convince her to want to be in a casual relationship. That ends up just making her feel crowded.

You want to move the relationship forward in a way that gets her to emotionally yearn for a more serious relationship.

So how do you get her to want to be in a relationship if she currently isn’t chomping at the bit to be exclusive with you?

Here are some steps you can take.

1. See her more often. This is the best and most natural way to transition from that initial casual relationship into a more serious one.

When two people like each other, they just naturally start to spend more time together.

Conversely, if you want to keep things casual with a girl, the main thing you need to do is not see her as often. Once you start to see each other more than once a week, you start to have feelings for each other.

As one of my mentors, Lance Mason said, even if you both agree that it’s casual, if you’re seeing each other more than once a week, you’re in love. Those chemicals start to activate.

sophiegriotto.com3If you are seeing each more often, like 2 or 3 times a week, you are in a serious relationship.

If she hasn’t brought up the prospect of making the relationship exclusive, it’s time to move on to step 2.

The best way to get her to see you more often is to explore commonalities. Getting her to see you more often is where commonalities start to become important.

You can have a casual relationship that’s mostly sexual based. But if you want to make it more serious, you’re going to want to have some common interests or activities.

And if you don’t have any interests or activities, then your first step is to go out and get a life! If you don’t have an interesting life, it will be tough to make her your girlfriend because you won’t have fun and interesting things to do together.

If she won’t see you more often, it’s still possible to move on to step step 2.

2. Obliquely let her know that you want an exclusive relationship. Instead of saying something like “I want to be exclusive with you,” hint at the fact that you want an exclusive relationship and see what she says.

You can say something like “I’m not really into seeing a lot of women at once right now in my life.” You’re letting her know that you want a more serious relationship without putting the pressure on her to say yes or no.

If she still doesn’t get the hint, chances are that she doesn’t emotionally yearn to be in an exclusive relationship with you.

All is not lost yet. There are still steps you can take.

It won’t help to argue with her or try to logically convince her to be exclusive with you, that will only backfire.

The main way to “convince” her of being exclusive with you is to show her the possibility of losing you.

3. Triangulate. When you’re with her, you can flirt with other women and try to get the interest of other women. You want to do this very subtly though. You’re are not trying to make her jealous, per se. You are merely showing her that you are a desirable catch.

sophiegriotto.com1By flirting with other women when you’re out, you’re demonstrating to her that you’re desirable. In a lot of ways you should be doing this anyway. You should be confident and friendly with everyone around you. Start up conversations with the waitress, bartender, or cab driver.

You can also talk about other women in your life who want to date you. But you want to come across as them not really being a threat. “This girl at work is always hitting on me. It’s kinda lame because I’m not into her.” You really don’t want to make her jealous, but you want to make it clear that if she doesn’t snatch you up, someone else will.

4. Pull Away. Once you’re seeing each other more regularly and talking regularly, you can also start to pull away a bit. You’re basically using a few of the tactics in this article Advanced Tactics to Turn Back the Tide.

You want to be judicious with how much you use this stuff, a little goes a long way. And be very careful not to use the same tactic more than once or twice, because she’ll catch on pretty quick.

Once she gets used to you being there, if you start to pull away a little, she will notice.

The main idea behind all of these tactics is that you are communicating to her that you are willing to walk away from the casual relationship if you don’t get what you want: a more serious relationship.

And you may or may not get what you want. But chances are when you show your independence, she’ll be even more into you.

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posted in Relationships

COMMENTS
22 responses
wingman says:

Through my experience, I know for a fact steps 1 & 3 work REALLY well. When I am having a casual relationship, I always let them know that I’m dating other people. Then as time goes on, I’ll mention something like in step 2.

Although I do think step 4 could work but I’ve never seen it done in this kind of situation. I’ve seen this happen more in a “friends to lovers” kind of thing.

As you can tell by now, I love the content here. Keep it up!

Cameron says:

“You can also talk about other women in your life who want to date you. But you want to come across as them not really being a threat. “This girl at work is always hitting on me. It’s kinda lame because I’m not into her.” You really don’t want to make her jealous, but you want to make it clear that if she doesn’t snatch you up, someone else will.”

Oh come on Eric………this is manipulation.

Cameron says:

ps don’t you think a girl is going to know that your trying to make her jealous?

pps Don’t get me wrong, I love your site, I love how much value you’ve given away over the years, your such a giver, its awesome. But I dont think you should be encouraging this behaviour in your hundreds (thousands?) of followers.

Eric Disco says:

Oh come on Eric………this is manipulation.

Is it manipulation? The French philosopher, Rene Girard, talks about “mimetic desire” in which he hypothesizes that NO desire is truly one-to-one, that all desire is based on the fact that others desire that person as well. I don’t subscribe to this, but there certainly is something to be said about this factor. Sort of like Mystery’s pre-selection switch: when you walk into the room with two hot women, you are automatically more desirable to other women.

I do believe women are more susceptible to mimetic desire because they are more socially-oriented than men are.

But whatever the case, we’ve all seen how if someone else wants the person (or even the thing) you want, all of a sudden it becomes more valuable. The child who was ready to throw away a toy until another child takes interest in it–all of a sudden that child must have the worthless toy back.

All of this is “manipulative” in one sense or another. Yes, you could sit her down and have a talk with her. You could buy your date flowers and take her out to dinner on the first date. You could be as nice to her as possible. Or you could become conscious of the emotional effects of your actions and seek to change yourself for the better.

Eric

Chris says:

`Yes, you could sit her down and have a talk with her. You could buy your date flowers and take her out to dinner on the first date. You could be as nice to her as possible. Or you could become conscious of the emotional effects of your actions and seek to change yourself for the better.`

Taking her out to dinner and movies and flowers is also in a guy’s mind a manipulation to try to get her to give him more affection. In most cases though it doesn’t work that way. The girl usually gets turned off. I’ll rather go with Eric’s way.

Nonstop says:

@Cameron
Everything we do as humans is manipulative. Where you draw the line is up to your own sense of morals. Just realize that this works, and can be used for you or against you whether you think it’s ‘manipulative’ or not.

Eric Disco says:

Cameron, I’m actually curious why you think this in particular is manipulative. Manipulative has a negative connotation, as if I’m being deceptive or trying to make her jealous. You actually don’t want to evoke jealousy. I agree with you that she would see through that. If you do make her jealous, that could have a negative consequence on your relationship.

That’s why I recommend clearly letting her know that this other person is not a threat. What it does do is show your potency. She sees you in a different light and desire rather than jealousy is evoked. It’s like if someone non-threatening to you, like a homeless person, complimented your woman. It doesn’t make you jealous, it makes you want her more.

Eric

Vc says:

And how not to get her to be my girlfriend? Women want to date me and i not. How to tell them or do it in the beginning, that it would be clear that i want just a casual/sexual relationship?

Eric Disco says:

And how not to get her to be my girlfriend? i want just a casual/sexual relationship…

This pretty much comes down to the opposite of step 1. It’s all about how much time you spend with her, how often you contact her and talk to her.

If you want a casual relationship, see her less than once a week.

And make sure you don’t talk to her on the phone or text her too much. Talking and texting is ‘grooming.’ This is what apes do to each other. They pick bugs out of each other’s fur. But researchers have found that this is what creates the intense bond between each other because they do it regularly. That’s what you’re doing to her every time you call her or text her. You’re grooming her. If you do it more regularly, she gets “used” to you being a part of her life.

Eric

Joe says:

Hey Eric,
Long time reader, first time poster here. Just wanted to say thanks you for all your hard work on this site. Articles like this have really helped me alot. Keep up the great work man!

Eric Disco says:

Thanks Joe, that means a lot!

Eric

Cameron says:

Why have you reacted so strongly to my post Eric, is it because you know I’m right?

Eric Disco says:

Hey Cameron,

The reason I responded to your post was because I wanted to understand exactly what you meant when you said ‘manipulative.’ No judgement. Everyone has different opinions about game. I am truly interested in understanding what you meant. Please clarify.

Eric

Cameron says:

I feel a bit bad about my criticism, overall its a great article.

I still don’t feel great about advising guys to tell girls about girls that hit on them, thats just what I think.

I like the advice to flirt with girls in front of your girl though, I think it shows a lot. I’ve done this on dates I was on and the girl was always really impressed (even if I didn’t get the girl).

peace,

Cameron

Xamuel says:

What’s the big deal with being manipulative. Everything we do is manipulation. If you don’t want to manipulate people, then you’d better never spend any money. In this particular example, the manipulation is done for the sake of creating a better relationship and making both parties happier. The sit-down talk/ultimatum is only going to make both parties miserable.

Cameron says:

Eric,

When I’m talking about Manipulation you have to talk about agendas.

We all want something out of other people. And out of women, like sex, good times or a girlfriend (or all three).

And we can be honest about what we want. We could literally walk up to women and say “I would like to have sex with you”.

Or, more realistically, we could walk up to a woman with sex in our eyes, and say, “wow, your really beautiful”, with the intention of having sex with her. Now, we may not have said “I want to have sex with you” but women know that you desire them sexually when you do this, their not stupid.

Now, in your previous example, you say talk about this girl at work who was flirting with you, or hitting on you, and you say your not doing this to make her jealous. But to me, your clearly doing this to make her jealous. And in my opinion, you play word semantics to avoid admitting this. But my argument even works when she never feels jeaulousy, instead feels attraction.

So you perform an action

1 telling her that a girl at work is flirting with you

to get a result

2 her being jealous (or being attracted to you)

And you want her to feel jealous/ attracted to you without realising what you’ve done (deliberately mentioned a girl at work WITH THE INTENTION of making her jealous/ getting her attracted to you)

Thats why i think its manipulative, because your trying to do something that shes not aware of to get a result thats in your best interest.

Chloe says:

Wow that’s a great article. Thanks for sharing.

Tamra says:

As a woman – who has dated many a fellow I would say the advice given here in my experience has left me feeling unappreciated anxious and yes we then commit to this man however the winnings are short fold as this embeded mistrust/manipulation from the beginning continues through the development of our relationships…The seed of mistrust is planted so to speak.

The date with flowers etc shows an eccentric classic that if combined with chemistry is a strong relationship force from day one as you have planted your first brick rather than weed to this lasting relationship…the girl leaves the date knowing you had thought about hetr before rather than after or not at all as it would seem if you flirt with another girl on the date. Rihanns sang it to number one ‘I want you tomake me feel like Im the only girl in the world’…you do this and you win us forever. Flowers can be replaced bysomething that shows ‘i thought of you’….squeezy marmite if thats her thing!… you get the idea.

Everyone wants something from someone – thats the manipulative mind of the human, you just need to work out what you are trying to manipulate from the girl in question. If its not a lasting thing non of thismatters, be warned your conscience will falter one day… if your intentions are you want to know her better, she will know anyway… we all have that 6th sense…so my final point is listen to you and her, no one else…..

x x peace out x

Tamra says:

PS email me at tamraford11@gmail.com or tamra leigh ford on facebook and type where you found my name…Ive decided if I can help or offer any of you nice young men out there a way to approach a girl you like I will do my utmost to help. Consider me modern Cilla but please what ever you do do not follow this manipulation tecnique…

for example my housemate recently tried this with me and it back fired to the point I even started to dislike him…the reason we had such good chemistry originally was we had soo much naturally in common to talk about etc and naturally went out and did them. He tried the subtle jealousy hint things in and it really put me off as we (woman) can spot this a mile off. Please do not be so simple to think that because we smile and act oblivious we are…we are not, woman are very aware, we simply do not let on and to some extent find it funny you consider we are not aware of the games.

Needless to say we are not going out now however if he had played his cards differently we would be & our friendship was faltered slightly although we are working on that and both seeing other people. (The one who held my hand and joked about calling our catch up a date… :) )

justin says:

tamra your flat mate missed out although did not realise this was the case xx

Eric Disco says:

The date with flowers etc shows an eccentric classic that if combined with chemistry is a strong relationship force from day one

If she’s into you, you don’t need to ply her with flowers, drinks, vacations, or any other material gifts. If she’s not into you, these things won’t make her into you. Showing more interest when she starts to show less will only come across as needy.

He tried the subtle jealousy hint things in and it really put me off

In the article, I discuss other ways that you should firstly go about making the relationship exclusive. If she’s into you and things are going swimmingly, you don’t need to pull away or let her know that there’s competition. If you were into your housemate, if you were spending a lot of time with him, if you were in love and ready to commit, then there would be no need for pulling away or letting you know that there are other women out there.

But if she isn’t committed to the relationship like you are, if she isn’t feeling the way you are, then you must show her that she’s going to lose you if she doesn’t commit. Otherwise you’re going to turn into an orbiter. You’ll be stuck in the casual relationship. If you’re stuck in a casual relationship not getting what you want, bringing her all the flowers in the world is not going to change her mind. Step away for a few days and see what she does. Make yourself scarce. That’s when she’ll notice what she feels for you.

Eric

Coif says:

What if she plays shy and will only get other people to try and ask, or you don’t come back? You should give it up if she reacts badly to the ultimatuum yes?

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