You Get Approach Anxiety. She Gets First Date Anxiety.

by Eric Disco
Aug 13


Flakes. Ugggh.

Aside from approaching women in the first place, this is one of the biggest frustrations for guys.

You go out, you put in the effort. All the signs are there. She seems to like you.

Maybe she even likes you a lot.

You get her number. You’re excited. You can feel the energy. And then¡Ä

No date ever materializes.

It’s quite frustrating. And, even worse, it grates on your ego.

Is there something wrong with my game? Why won’t women meet up with me?

Is there something wrong with me?

Many guys feel like if they could just get a woman on a date, they’d be golden. I’m excellent on dates, they tell me. So what am I doing wrong?

You try to tweak this and tweak that. But it’s so hard to tell what’s going on, because the women seem to like you when you first meet them.

I was talking to a friend of mine on Saturday night, a very attractive girl. We were talking about anxiety in dating. And she said something very interesting to me.

The initial meeting isn’t anxiety-provoking for me. It’s playful and fun and there’s not much expectation attached to it.

I get anxious arranging a first date, especially one-on-one, because then I really don’t know what’s going to happen and I’ve already built up ideas about it/him. Whether good or bad, that restricts me from being just open and spontaneous.

It’s even more of a problem if I really like the guy, because I’m even more nervous in hoping it works out (we continue to like each other, we get along well, its magic and wonderful blah blah blah).

And you know, when you’re tense, often you’re not the most pleasant person to be around… dilemma!

You get approach anxiety. She gets first date anxiety.

The more I talked to other hot women I know, the more I heard the same story.

I get a lot more anxiety on the date than when we first meet. When I first meet someone I feel like I can act like a crazy person and normally do. I’m always way more confident at that time. I’m fully aware of how I am amazing and perfect and they are a fool. But then later on, my insecurities start growing.

I probed more to find out if this anxiety is just with random strangers they meet on the street or with guys they meet through friends.

There’s a lot of guys I like when I meet them, but don’t go on dates with them. One guy I recently started dating, I didn’t call him for months! Months! I was super busy and a guy I meet on the street is low priority.

And when I meet a guy through friends, I don’t really feel like committing too much either. I’m worried about how he will perceive me and talk about how weird I am to my friends.

I hate the thought of some dude saying stuff about my romantic nature to a friend because I think I’m a little different when I interact with someone intimately.

So if I met someone through a friend I would feel extra nervous on that date because I can’t just act like a weirdo.

The other woman said something similar:

Meeting a guy through a friend increases the “you better like him” sort of thing that a stranger doesn’t carry.

On the other hand, it takes a while to be convinced that this cute stranger is not a murderer or something. It may feel a little unsafe, which may add to the excitement, but it can also result in distrust.

Not all women get first date anxiety, just like not all men get approach anxiety.

But it helps to understand that women are dealing with a whole different set of factors than guys are.

They get more anxiety on the date rather than on the initial meeting because the date is a different dynamic.

eat0123.url.tw5In agreeing to meet up with a guy after the initial interaction, women feel like they’ve signaled interest.

This puts a lot of pressure on them, the kind of pressure that can take the fun out of dating.

Once she’s into you, what are some things you can do to ease the pressure and make a first date more likely?

1) Don’t make it a “date.” You don’t want to err too much on the side of making it non-sexual, that would be going too far in the other direction. But you can make the “date” very relaxed by not calling it a date. Meet for a drink–suggest one drink–and tell her you won’t be able to stay too long. This takes a lot of pressure off her.

2) Keep the phone and texting light and flirty. Spending too much time on the phone with her before the date can backfire. You want to text or phone just enough to get her to meet up–and no more. Don’t have phone conversations that are longer than ten minutes. Don’t send ten texts back and forth with her or text her every day. Leave some mystery.

3) Get to know her when you initially meet her. You want to make sure that she knows something about you when you meet. But the most important thing is that you appreciate her for who she is. Find out something about her you really like and let her know it. If you don’t, she’ll feel like you want to meet up with her just to fuck her.

Next time a girl flakes on you, don’t take it personally.

You can always improve your game by changing things, but sometimes, there really is no explanation for why women flake. It simply wasn’t within your control.

The reasons for flaking are so varied that you pretty much can only cover your bases and do the best you can.

It’s like a batting average, there’s no way to bat a thousand.

You just need to figure what works for you, what maximizes your chances of success, and stay away from any obvious errors.


posted in First Dates, Text and Phone Game

19 responses
wingman says:

This actually makes a lot of sense. Women get approached all the time so why would they have anxiety? But they don’t have first dates all the time. Their “filter” really only allows people who they’re interested in so the anxiety naturally exists there.

If guys can handle their approach anxiety, this will be a big advantage for them.

But when you’re on the date – for one drink – and you two are vibing really well, would you get another drink? Or would you commit and set-up an actual “date” for later time?

Eric Disco says:

Often a better strategy is to end the date early. Sometimes I’ll have a second drink at another bar. But you want to make sure you are the one to end the date. And you want to end it on a high note.

When you do end it, say something like “Well this was fun. I have to get up early tomorrow.” Don’t say anything about a second date or even “I’ll see you again.” Keep her guessing. She’ll wonder if you like her or if she’ll see you again. That’s a good thing.


Paul says:

There are some great suggestions here, if you are an attractive guy and someone that she values. In my journeys I have found (and from talking to a few attractive female friends of mine) that attractive women can have any guy they want so why would they have anxiety? If the guy has value (status, money, looks) then she will want to date him.

Why would a hot woman have anxiety? Because they rather be with another guy instead of the guy they are on a date with? If a woman wants to be on a date with you then she is interested. If she turns down a first or second or third date, then she is not. She found someone else she can date.

Hot women can have any guy they want so they call the shots, if they do not want to date, they will not date and find someone else.

KL says:

This is a great topic. Back when I was very inexperienced, I met a girl in an accidental daytime approach and we had a real solid connection. After our first encounter, it took over a month for us to finally set up a firm time to meet for a small meal. Now that I think about it, I seem to remember her frequently being “busy,” or having other obligations/ excuses whenever our messages turned to meeting up again.

I didn’t put a huge priority on meeting up with her again, just kind of expressed interest here and there. I didn’t realize it, but it looks like she might have been nervous/ delaying the whole time about meeting up again with a guy she was really attracted to.

So was she *really* attracted to me? Well, we ended that first date at her place, so you be the judge ;)

Eric says:

Why would a hot woman have anxiety?

Because she is a human being.

If you can’t understand that other people–whom you consider better than yourself–have similar problems, emotions and struggles, then you will never be able to get past your issues.

Hot women can have any guy they want so they call the shots,

There is no such thing as ‘hot women.’ That only exists in your mind. There is no level of hotness where all of a sudden, she’s a ‘hot woman’ and she doesn’t have any more of these negative emotions human beings share.

If you are a girl, no matter how hot you are, you still feel insecurities, a lot of times even more insecurities. Talk to any model. Most of them have body issues. They feel like they aren’t good enough, like there’s something wrong with themselves. Once you get to know them they secretly admit that they don’t feel pretty.

As a guy, no matter how good you are with women, you still wonder if you’re good enough. You still feel like there are people out there who are so much better than you at so many things. You are apt to judge your self-worth on your latest achievement, no matter how well you’ve done in the past. It’s a laurel wreath, a crown of leaves that wilts in the afternoon sun.

Welcome to the human condition.

Are certain people more empowered? Absolutely. That empowerment makes life easier for some people. Feeling disempowered and not being able to take action will leave you sulking in a pitiful morass of your own making. It keeps you from seeing the struggles that other people are going through and you won’t be able to relate to them.

You are putting women–and empowered men as well–on a pedestal. You are putting them above you, unable to relate to them. If you want attractive women in your life, you need to be able to see them as human. And you need to accept these feelings that you have and understand that other people are struggling as well. There is no finish line here. There is no salvation from the human condition.


nonstop says:

This post made a lot of sense at the right time. I was/am a bit nervous about the first date thing for a woman I just met… but this gave me the frame to turn it around and realize that she’s probably equally nervous, etc. Thanks.

[...] Eric Disco – “Surround Yourself with Women“, “You Get Approach Anxiety. She Gets First Date Anxiety.” [...]

Good article, it actually gets me thinking on what my friends and I now have as an essential part of out pickup strategy:

Let her see you as a unique “real” person.

Sounds simple, but lets say a girl gets approached 20 in a night with some shit she’s used to, she will literally not treat them like human beings. It’s so fucking weird but true!!!!! She is completely numb in a club/bar, or any other environment. But on a date, you are now a real life living person, of course she will get anxious

[...] the article here: You Get Approach Anxiety. She Gets First Date Anxiety. Share and [...]

Some women do get approach anxiety, usually it is if they are shy so your job is to make them feel comfortable.

Cameron says:

“As a guy, no matter how good you are with women, you still wonder if you’re good enough. You still feel like there are people out there who are so much better than you at so many things. You are apt to judge your self-worth on your latest achievement, no matter how well you’ve done in the past. It’s a laurel wreath, a crown of leaves that wilts in the afternoon sun.”

Is this “true” Eric? Aren’t you just a pessimist?

aoefe says:

I’ll wade in here representing (most) women. I think the post is bang on with one exception to a piece of the advice. I much prefer if my date indicates interest in seeing me right after the date and doesn’t wait. My anxiety about how I ‘did’ vanishes. If I’m kept guessing the anxiety persists and I’m less likely to want to see him again.

Great post.

bule says:

@Eric and Lee,
You are great people, if I was in US, certainly i would like to meet you, but im in Europe.
I have a question for specific situation, I like your analytical advices.

On saturday I talked with a girl and we decided to go to some famous dinner place in this week and i got her number. I texted today, “hope your new year eve was great.. I forgot to ask when you dont have classes” (she attends evening classes) she responded”thanks it was great and only fridays i dont have classes in weekdays”

I said “ok i write to my outlook program this friday to remind me, and you do it too ok?:)”, such that i wanted to confirm the date. She didnt respond. Should i wait, or should i call/text her before friday?
Did I do something wrong?

Lee says:


A few comments.

1) It sounds like you didn’t actually ask her out.

2) I like to stick to the following structure when I contact women: I send them something flirty or funny – just something meant to arouse curiosity. When they show interest, I tell them exactly when and where we’re going to meet. So if this is your first contact, you can text something like this:

me: “you’ll never guess what happened to me at the bookstore… lee”
susan: “what!?”
me: “this girl named susan tried to pick me up. she had some smooth lines :-)”
susan: “ha ha! you tried to pick me up!”
me: (ask her out)

Third, the whole Outlook thing feels a little business-y to me, like you’re asking her to meet you to sign a lease. You want your communication with her to build mystery and excitement. Look at this invitation:

“wed. 9pm. pegu club. i am bringing a hurricane of charm. will your levees hold up? :-)”

All of this having been said, you never know why she hasn’t responded to you, so even though these are good general principles, there is no guarantee that this is the reason she’s not responding.

So, what should you do now. Nothing for a week or so, then ping her. A typical ping:

“i am at a party on a boat. there’s a girl on the dance floor who looks just like you. makes me want to flirt with her :-)”

When she shows interest, ask her out as above.


Alex_B says:

hey lee I notice that you are very quick and to the point. I heard the podcast where you said that you pretty much only use text to meet and communicate with women. Do you always ask for the date so soon? Usually I’ll send a flirty intro text later that night or next day that gets her to know it’s me and then banter some more after that. Either that day or within the next two I’ll ask her out. It’s been a hit or miss strategy and reading this I suspect that it’s because I take too long.

Do you always go for the dates and all that so quick?
Do you find that flirting and bantering on text more than a message or two kills your odds of meeting?

Thanks lee

bule says:

@I talked 2nd time with this girl in gym. On saturday, she said to me, “Are there any good places around here” (she is new to this area), so i suggested this dinner place. She said “I wonder very much about this place”, so “we can go together if you want” i said.

Actually it is not like 100 % dating. My plan is going to someplaces together and escalation. If I can connect in the 1st day, i will offer to do something else on 2nd day.

I guess it is not a perfect strategy, it is not very fast and direct as you suggested.


Lee says:


Yes, I like to keep it to one or two text messages before asking them out. Many guys will banter back and forth trying to create some attraction with their text messages. I used to do that too. Over time, I decided that this is another form of the dancing monkey syndrome. If you didn’t get enough attraction in your initial encounter, you’re not going to get it via text. In general, too much banter – in person or by text – serves to convince women that you don’t have other options. And they’re right. Guys usually don’t spend time bantering back and forth with one girl when they have a busy romantic life, and chicks know that. Think of a really high status guy, a rock star. He meets a groupie. Is he going to keep texting back and forth, trying to impress her, trying to entertain her? No way. Willingness to do that is an acknowledgement of lower social status.


Alex_B says:

@ Lee
Thanks…that explains alot, I think I’ve been doing some hardcore dancing via text. Never could understand why they were so excited in the beginning and yet sometimes didn’t come out when I invited them out after days of *what i thought* was fun and attraction building text. But i get it

bule says:

The girl who didnt respond to my text on Monday, responded 2 days later, today. She says “Hi bule, extra classes have been put on Friday and Saturday, if you come to gym on Sunday, we can talk about the plan again. Good evening”

She would be saying the truth or its flake, it is impossible to be 100 %. I didnt text anything back.

Should I invite her after the gym, or just obey what she says, i.e.goto gym and only talk to her.

What would be best thing to do?