Surround Yourself with Women

by Eric Disco
Aug 9

warrenlouw.deviantart.com1There’s a joke I like to tell:

Q: How do you know when you see a group of pick up artists?

A: There’s no women around them.

It’s funny because¡Ä well, it’s true. Most guys out there practicing their game are not very good at it.

And that’s okay because we all have to start somewhere.

But that’s still no excuse to not have women in your life.

When I gave a talk about a month ago at NYC Social Dynamics Masterminds, my excellent host Phillip, commented that I was the only “PUA” to talk at his event who had ever brought any girls with him.

And on top of that, he continued, I brought five hot girls with me.

I wasn’t dating all of these women–although most of them I had dated at one time or another. Most of them were friends.

A whole group of my friends, both guys and girls, came out to support me, which was really nice.

And it wasn’t merely that these women were hot (which they were) that made me glad they were there, I truly value these women as friends in my life.

Having female friends is so important. They can give you perspective on a lot of things your male friends can’t.

If you do things right, a woman will introduce you to many of her attractive friends. They can help you meet other great women.

warrenlouw.deviantart.com3Often, a woman friend is ten times as valuable as any given date or hookup you could have, both in her hooking you up with new great people and simply doing what friends do best: supporting each other during trying times and celebrating the awesome times.

I had a recent student who was having trouble with his conversation skills. He was getting locked up and running out of things to say.

So one of the things I recommended to him was to make friends with at least one woman.

For most people, it’s not easy to make friends.

And if you’ve never been friends with a woman, it can be even harder. But it is well worth the effort to learn how to be friends with women.

If you are trying to meet women to date, chances are you’re going to end up meeting a lot of women whom it doesn’t work out with. These women may be excellent candidates for friendship.

Keep in contact with these women.

Keep talking to them.

Keep inviting them out to do things.

It’s always better to show up at a party with some women rather than an entourage of guys. Everyone at the party appreciates that.

Sometimes a woman may be into you romantically, but you only want her as a friend. How do you navigate that?

warrenlouw.deviantart.com2jOne of the best ways to go into friend zone with a girl is to ask her about her romantic relationships.

If she’s dating anyone, or trying to meet people, find out about it. Get her to talk about how she feels.

You can also talk about your romantic relationships.

But I would be careful with two things if you do talk about your relationships.

Firstly, don’t dump on her and complain too much.

Secondly, don’t talk about game too much with her. Make sure she understands that the context of your relationships with women is not just to get laid, but because you really want to get to know women.

Women can easily turned off when guys talk too much about “scoring” and hooking up with girls.

If you have women friends in your life, keep those friendships strong.

And you don’t have female friends, don’t be afraid to go out and make some.

You’ll be glad you did.

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posted in Rapport Skills, Self-Improvement Strategies

COMMENTS
14 responses
Francis says:

Great post Eric. One thing I need clarification on is:

“One of the best ways to go into friend zone with a girl is to ask her about her romantic relationships.”

I didn’t quite understand what you meant by that. How does that allow you to enter friends zone by asking about her relationships?

Francis

Cameron says:

Because your going to end up like her therapist/wet blanket.

Francis says:

Aaaah I get it now, becoming her therapist is the easiest way to becoming just her “friend”…thanks Cameron!

Eric Disco says:

Francis says:

I get it now, becoming her therapist is the easiest way to becoming just her “friend”

No, this is not what you want. This is part of why “friend zone” has such a negative connotation. Often times the two people aren’t really friends. She’s just treating him like a doormat. She’s using him as her therapist. This is not a friendship.

This all comes down to boundaries. You teach people how to treat you. If any of your friends, male or female, starts “dumping” on you, you need to put a stop to it immediately. “Dumping” is when they start talking to you like their therapist. They start talking and talking without regard to the person they’re talking to.

Sometimes a friend will truly need your friendship. They’ll come to you for advice or emotional support. They’ll have a problem they want help with. Or they’re upset and they want to be consoled. That’s what friends do.

But sometimes friends over-step boundaries. A good example of this is if you have a friend who comes to you so often with a problem that they don’t remember what they have or haven’t told you. Or they’re obsessive and they keep going over the same issues over and over again. Then you’re acting like her therapist rather than her friend.

Instead, she/he should come to you for a fresh point of view, they should appreciate you and your insights. By being her therapist/wet blanket, you are taking on too much burden for her and this actually hurts her. This actually makes her dependent on you in an unhealthy way. If she’s obsessive with someone, it may actually make her more obsessive with this person because you justify her obsession by telling her it’s okay and help her rationalize her obession when she really needs to get over it.

You do not want to be her therapist. If someone starts dumping on you, you need to cut it off right away. It’s difficult to differentiate between a friend who really wants support and someone dumping on you. But if she’s dumping on you, she’ll be in her own world. Your input will almost be irrelevant.

By maintaining proper boundaries with your friends, you ensure healthy relationships. If you don’t do this, you will start to have resentment for your friends and feel used rather than appreciated for who you are. You’ll rationalize that you’re a good person for helping people out. You turn into the “nice guy.” That’s not what you want. Don’t be a doormat for anyone. That doesn’t make her feel good and that doesn’t make you feel good.

Eric

george says:

Can you answer his original question then?

I assume its because by asking about her relationships it makes it clear to her that you are only interested in being friends. Since if you wanted to date her you’d never ask about other relationships.

Eric Disco says:

Asking about her love interests and talking about yours to her is an indirect way of communicating that you only want a friendship. That’s one of the biggest topics that lovers normally wouldn’t talk about with each other. If a woman hears you talking about a girl you’re interested in or dating, she will normally assume that you only feel friendship with her.

Eric

Ken says:

Eric,

This post couldn’t have come at a better time for me. I have been struggling for a long time trying to figure out how to make friends with women, while I am in a relationship, without things going awry. Thus far, I haven’t been successful. I know how to be friends with women that I dated and it didn’t work out, or friends with women I’ve known from before my girlfriend. New women, not so much.

To get to the point, how do you make female friends while you have a girlfriend, without making things weird? I’d like to be able to hang out with them without them thinking I am interested in more. I would try mentioning my girlfriend from the get-go and they’d lose interest because they wanted more, and I tried talking about my gf afterwards or not at all (they never ask) and then they’d say I was leading them on.

What might I be doing wrong? Do single women ever want to just be friends with guys in relationships? Should I look for women who are married or in a relationship already? Please help.

Eric Disco says:

To get to the point, how do you make female friends while you have a girlfriend, without making things weird? I’d like to be able to hang out with them without them thinking I am interested in more. I would try mentioning my girlfriend from the get-go and they’d lose interest because they wanted more, and I tried talking about my gf afterwards or not at all (they never ask) and then they’d say I was leading them on.

What might I be doing wrong? Do single women ever want to just be friends with guys in relationships? Should I look for women who are married or in a relationship already? Please help.

It’s better to have a rich man’s problems (women always want you) then to have a poor man’s problems (women always put you in friend zone). It’s possible you’re too sexy!

All kidding aside, making friends with people in general is a tricky proposition, almost as tricky as getting dates with women. In general, most of the techniques I talk about under Rapport Skills will apply to building friendships as well: http://approachanxiety.com/category/rapport-skills/

However, when you first meet a woman, if she’s really attracted to you, friendship may not be on her mind. You can imagine the opposite scenario where you start talking to an attractive woman and she tells you that she has a boyfriend.

The solution in my opinion isn’t to not tell her you have a girlfriend. I think you should be up front about that. But I think you could also throw something else out there like “Oh my god, you would really like my friend Mark,” or “You seem really cool, we’re having a barbecue next Sunday and you should come out.” Something like this could help visualize how you would remain friends with her because she may not be able to see it.

Eric

Ken says:

Haha, thanks for the advice Eric. I’ll try that.

Talisman says:

“For most people, it’s not easy to make friends.”

“All kidding aside, making friends with people in general is a tricky proposition, almost as tricky as getting dates with women.”

Amazingly, this is one of the most helpful things I’ve read on the site (and you have lots of helpful stuff here!). I don’t have the slightest problem making friends, or making female friends. You just listen non-judgmentally, and bam, I guess.

I have made the mistake (more than once) though of talking about / listening about relationships with girls, though, and it would be interesting to know if I can exit the friend zone the same way I wandered into it.

Next time the topic comes up, I’ll joke that I like boys. I’ve wandered out of the friend zone before, but doing it from such a deep position could be tricky.

It would be awesome if you posted about it :)

wingman says:

This is an amazing post for two reasons. The first is simple. If you have female friends, your perceived value increases because if women are comfortable being around you and enjoying your company, it’s a very attractive quality to other women.

The second is on a deeper level. Getting used to having conversations with women is huge when it comes to understanding their cycles of thought and how their needs / wants change over time. You’ll never get that kind of street cred by meeting women for the sole purpose of physical relationships.

Eric Disco says:

I have made the mistake (more than once) though of talking about / listening about relationships with girls, though, and it would be interesting to know if I can exit the friend zone the same way I wandered into it.

Getting out of friend zone with a girl can be tricky. There are all the same recommendations that you would do with any girl in general: sexual talk, sexual banter, physical contact, sexual escalation.

The one thing I would recommend, if you want to move from a friendship with a girl into romantic is to take a break from her. Depending on how often you talk, this could mean two weeks or two months–something out of the ordinary for your relationship so that she feels like she hasn’t seen you in a while.

From there you can ‘reset’ the relationship. Start gradually, but make sure you start as soon as possible. When and if she does start to talk about her relationships, you can listen in and make a comment, but change the topic soon there after. Don’t let her dwell on it. That’s your job.

Eric

[...] Disco – “Surround Yourself with Women“, “You Get Approach Anxiety. She Gets First Date [...]

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