I’ve Got Fucking Balls
by 
Eric Disco
It is toward the end of our second coaching session.
Patrick has learned the first two steps: to get comfortable in a location and to position himself next to women he’s interested in.
We are in whole foods. We have been walking around downstairs. He will pick up an item of food and ask a woman how it is.
After she responds he says “Thank you” and walks away.
He does not continue the conversation.
I’ve forbidden him from doing so.
“What were you going to tell me?” I say to him when he returns.
“I’ve got fucking balls,” he says to me.
This is what he says to me after every interaction. I do this with all my clients.
We come up with a phrase in the language he would normally use that he will come back and tell me after every interaction.
For some clients, the phrase might be “I’m fucking awesome.” For another client the phrase might be something more elaborate and specialized, something that has significance to him.
“Good,” I say to him. “You do have fucking balls. That girl was really hot.”
Next we go upstairs to the cafeteria in whole foods. The place is packed with people sitting at tables eating meals, talking with friends, working at computers and on their phones. The layout feels very, very different than people standing around looking at food items.
“First we’re going to take a walk around the place and get comfortable there,” I tell him. “Then you’re going to stand next to someone. Then you’ll ask them how the food is or if there’s a place to get internet around here.”
He walks around the cafeteria with me and we come to rest in a place where we can see the entire cafeteria.
“There’s a cute girl over there giving us some eye contact,” I tell him.
I can tell he’s a little hesitant so I tell him I can demonstrate for him.
I walk across the cafeteria. I walk over to a section that is a bit out of the way as if I’m looking for a seat. I stop for a moment next to a cute blond. I look at my phone.
Then I ask her if there is a place to get on the internet and she responds. I thank her and walk away.
I come back over to Patrick. I tell him there’s another cute girl on the other side of the cafeteria.
He looks over at her.
I can see it as he loses eye contact with me: apprehension. A slight submissive smile comes across his face as he looks back to me. He’s thinking about doing it but is having very serious considerations.
We have reached a critical juncture.
“Okay, stop,” I tell him. “This is perfect. This is exactly where we need to be right now. This is the entire point of this program,” I tell him.
If you feel too much anxiety to take any given step–this particular step is walking up to a girl and opening your mouth–you fall back to the previous step–simply standing next to someone.
There should never be too much anxiety there. Even if you’ve been able to do full-on approaches in the past, like Patrick has, you should never be at a point where the anxiety feels overwhelming. That causes too much trauma to the body.
Instead, take some kind of action. Simply walk over to her and stand next to her. And if that action is too much, see if you can simply take a walk around the place and get yourself comfortable.
This moment is not the end-all be-all. There will be other chances to improve. She is not the last girl in the world.
More important, you are learning to be sensitive to your own body and take things one step at a time.
You are coming out of your comfort zone gently.
Do not throw yourself to the wolves. This will simply leave you with more anxiety next time.
I discuss these concepts with him. “If you learn anything today, learn this, ” I tell him.
“Okay, how about you simply walk over and put yourself in her vicinity? How do you feel about that?” I ask him.
That seems much easier to him. He goes over and does that.
He comes back over to where I’m standing and repeats the words to me.
“I’ve got fucking balls,” he says.
…..
“Eric is the source for getting over approach anxiety. No matter what level you begin at, I can tell you, anxiety is over 90% of the game. It sure was for me. With Eric’s practical solutions, I went from being scared and insecure to approaching every single day. And the best part is–it’s a lot of fun!” – Coaching Client
Find out how to get past approach anxiety once and for all with my Charismatic Confidence Mentoring Program.
Posted in Coaching Experiences, Initiative and Inhibition | 
19 Comments »
“you should never be at a point where the anxiety feels overwhelming. That causes too much trauma to the body.”
Amazing, pace yourself, :). Also for saying encouraging comments to yourself following small victories such as “I’ve got fucking balls”. Does that not build the ego up a bit too? Just wondering when you get blown out or rejected, do you still say “I’ve got fucking balls”?
People with balls get rejected too.
It doesn’t build up the ego too much. Guys with approach anxiety could use a little ego stroking.
And you absolutely would say this if you got a bad response from a girl. It’s even more critical to say it after those interactions.
Eric
Have you done the Landmark forum Eric?
I have issues with Landmark forum. They try to employ therapy in large group environments, which is problematic in and of itself. They use in-group/out-group dynamics, specialized lingo and strong-arm proselytizing sales tactics–all hallmarks of a modern day cult. I’m sure there are people who have benefited from Landmark, but there are also a lot of people who have been harmed and ripped off by it.
I have not attended Landmark myself. I do know people who swear by Landmark. But I’ve also read enough to base this opinion and have had friends who have been harmed by similar large group therapy organizations.
Some relevant articles:
Huffington Post – Inside the Landmark Forum
Apologetic’s Index – Landmark Education
Cult Awareness and Information Library
The Ross Institute on Landmark Forum
It should also be noted that Landmark Education has a very extensive history of legal attacks in order to suppress people who speak out against Landmark Forum. Same thing Scientology does.
Eric
Just wanted to say I like the photo of the girl playing the violin. Classy and sexy.
Hey Eric,
here’s a question – I think sometimes there are situations where someone just has to do it, even though the anxiety feels overwhelming at first, simply because the expierence is so low risk and will itself will provide the confidence needed to later adjust the perceived threat-level and widen the comfort zone. Yet I’m having difficulty in deciding whether I’m in a “just jump” moment and should “just jump” or whether I’m in a situation where “just jumping” may make my comfort zone retract. What are your clues in this respect?
[...] Approach Anxiety [...]
Great question. It’s really important to identify and understand what you’re feeling, where you’re anxiety is at and where you can challenge yourself.
But anxiety is not the best judge of the progress you’re making. As you get better socially, you’ll have less anxiety in some areas. But then you want to challenge yourself again so you may start to have MORE anxiety. In addition, your feelings may fluctuate from day to day–even hour to hour.
The answer is: consistency. You want to set up goals for yourself ahead of time and try to accomplish these goals. These goals should be real physical actions you can take, preferably initiatives that do not necessarily rely on reactions from another person.
You want to make these goals manageable. It shouldn’t give you overwhelming anxiety that tears you apart, at the same time, it will give you some anxiety and push you out of your comfort zone.
How do you differentiate the two? It’s not always clear-cut. I think it depends how much time and energy you have to devote to this, what your current mindset is, and whether you are able to continue it from day to day.
In the past I’ve talked a lot about my one approach a day. I set out to approach one woman every day. I would simply walk up to them and say “I was just walking by and I wanted to come say hi. My name’s Eric.”
Doing one approach like this every day for two months is one of the most important things I’ve ever done for myself. But I’ve gotten feedback from readers and clients and not everyone is able to do this. It’s good to understand where I was when I did this.
I had first gone out for six months and done a lot of approaching at night. I would interact with anywhere from 1-3 women on a Friday or Saturday night. And then I took a weekend workshop about how to approach women.
When I began my one-a-day approach regimen, I threw away all the skills I learned to make things simple. But I still had some approach experience.
Later, I felt that doing a full on approach might be too much for some guys. In fact, as I broke down the process into smaller repeatable steps, my own anxiety was reduced greatly, probably a lot more than even when I did the one-a-day approach, although that time my confidence grew the most, if that makes sense.
So to answer your question, I would make sure it’s something manageable. Just make sure it’s something you can do every day. Err on the side of making it slightly easier and accomplish your goals. And then the next week (or few weeks later depending on your goal) you can set the bar a little higher.
Newbies always want to go faster and get results a lot quicker than guys who have been in this game a longer time. That’s understandable if they haven’t gotten much results yet. It’s more difficult to see progress when you’re taking smaller steps.
You have to decide for yourself whether you’re want to employ a more gradual, sustainable approach or whether you want to really put your feet to the fire for a while. Whatever you choose, remember that the most important part is that you be kind to yourself and frame your work in a way that is making you feel good about yourself. If it’s causing you too much mental anguish or you are dealing with too many feelings afterward that you can’t handle, you may be doing too much. These feelings include rumination (thinking about things over and over), shame (feeling like you did something wrong), or simply emotional exhaustion.
Eric
Cool! I’ve learned something interesting today : if you’ve got overwhelming anxiety just do something one step below or at least get into some kind of action. Do not stay there doing nothing and thinking too much! You can apply this principle in any life situation not just dating!
Yes, I agree with you Rems, that is a valuable lesson. I find myself often thinking way too far ahead or making it too complex when confronted with whether to approach a girl or not. I get caught thinking about what kind of thing should I say or am I wearing the right thing or what will I say if she says such and such, etc, etc, etc. And that totally amps my anxiety and can even be paralyzing. But if I just back up a few million steps from all that mental masturbation and do the simplest thing, I can always do that. I can always walk up and say hello or ask the time or something simple. And then try to get a conversation to unfold from that. Even if it doesn’t happen or she blows me off, it’s still a positive for me and sets me up for future positive interactions and approaches. Whereas, just standing there and doing nothing and being consumed with my thoughts just further perpetuates more negativity and not approaching.
Very inspiring article! Your website is a gem. Thank you.
Hey Eric,
thanks for your reply, it was when you made the comment “This is perfect. This is exactly where we need to be right now” I’ve only heard people say that who have done the Landmark Forum.
I get that you dont like Landmark Education. I understand your concern, I know a lot of people dont like it.
I’ve done the forum, I thought it was great, I got a lot out of it.
I admit it’s not perfect, they do put pressure on you to bring other people along, it costs a lot, I understand why people think its a cult.
In fact, it is a cult, depending on your definition of cult, if your definition of a cult is a group of people who surround themselves with like-minded individuals, speak in a language most people would partially understand and who want to “convert” everyone to their way of thinking then it is a cult.
But, whats their way of thinking? Their way of thinking is that life is empty and meaningless, and its empty and meaningless that its empty and meaningless, now its a strange thought at first, and perhaps a scary one, but its rational isnt it? Its horribly, horribly logical.
And whats their way of being?
Its being racket-free (not making other people wrong and getting angry)
being courageous
being authentic (bing honest)
being peaceful
being charismatic
and being enrolling
whats so bad about that?
You say the Landmark forum has a lingo, and it does have a lingo, but if you believe that your language creates your reality then it becomes clear why a lingo is necessary (or at least important).
The thing is that most people think a certain way, like they assume that life has a meaning, or that there is a “right” and a “wrong”, and they may be right in these assumptions.
But, if you believe that there is no right or no wrong (within reason) then there are some concepts that come up a lot, for example, carrying around with you that peaceful air, like a buddhist monk is being a clearing.
Theres no word for this in normal society because most people assume that life is meaningful and there is a right (and to be clear, theres nothing wrong with thinking that)
As for your point about landmark litigating people, i admit its unfortunate, i believe these litigations only succeed in convincing people that the forum is some sort of large, evil corporation bent on world domination.
I do have some sympathy for the people at Landmark though:
The best way I can explain it to you is this:
Imagine, you and me are friends, and I introduce you to a hot girl friend of mine, but before I introduce you I tell her that your a turd sandwhich, and she believes me since I’m a good friend, now your a cool guy Eric but my friend doesnt know that, she thinks your a turd sandwhich, so your dressed cool, looking good and being cool, BUT SHES NOT REALLY SEEING YOU SHES LISTENING TO THE VOICE IN HER HEAD SAYING “HES A TURD SANDWHICH”,
This is the problem (if you love the Landmark forum), people tell other people bad stuff about the forum and they believe them, so it means theres no chance of them doing the forum and getting the benefits,
and often the first person hasnt even done the forum in the first place!
And, I see your last comment “the same thing that scientology does”, correct me if I’m wrong, but are you implying that because scientology has been accused of being a cult and sues people that talk shit about it and Landmark has been accused of being a cult and sues people that talk shit about it then the Landmark forum is a cult just like Scientology?
Don’t you see that there are many logical flaws in that argument.
1) Your assuming that Scientology is a cult, now to be clear I personally believe that its a cult also but then again I have never been inside a building of the Church of Scientology and have never met anyone who is a scientologuist. So am I really qualified to say Scientology is a cult?
2) Assuming the the Church of Scientology is a cult then because the landmark forum does some of the things the church of scientology does, the landmark forum is a cult also.
But is it true that because the landmark forum sues people and uses some lingo that its a cult? Mcdonalds sues people and uses lingo but is Mcdonalds a cult?
Hi Cameron,
The fact that Landmark sues people does not in and of itself make them a cult. But that just adds to the list of reasons why I distrust them. It’s one thing if someone slanders or libels you and you need to sue them. It’s another story if they have a team of lawyers who send out cease and desist letters to anyone who criticize them. There are thousands churches and schools and organizations who do not need to do this.
I like the concept that life is meaningless. That is a beautiful concept to me and at the heart of my “religion.” I believe that when we die, life is over. There is nothing after death.
While this may seem sad or morbid to some people, it means that I must value every moment of my time on earth instead of hoping I’ll go to heave or get a second chance through re-incarnation. I better make this life count.
If they have a similar message, then that’s awesome. I would still be hesitant to enroll in an organization like theirs for the reasons I described above.
Eric
Ok great, I acknowlegde your concerns.
I really get that you value your life and want to live while your alive, I admire your commitedment to helping others and speaking your truth.
all the best,
Cam
[...] confident and assertive is not tied to politics,†and that some men feel so much anxiety they hire experts to coach them through just asking a strange woman where to find Internet [...]
Replying to: “In fact, it is a cult, depending on your definition of cult, if your definition of a cult is a group of people who surround themselves with like-minded individuals, speak in a language most people would partially understand and who want to “convert†everyone to their way of thinking then it is a cult.”
I have to finally thank a Landroid. They came clean with this post.
[...] confident and assertive is not tied to politics," and that some men feel so much anxiety they hire experts to coach them through the terrifying process of merely asking a strange woman where to find [...]
I love the pics you use in your article, I think it will attract me back to read more of this blog.