You're in Luck: Women Find Confidence Sexy

by Eric Disco
Jun 10

loopydave.deviantart.com6

I was out at a bar last night with my friend Lee and another friend.

Immediately after walking into the bar, Lee started to chat with two hot women next to us.

The girls giggled and laughed as he talked with them.

After about ten minutes of conversation with them he turns back to us.

“My objective,” he says, “is to show as much of myself as possible in the first few minutes of conversation. I do this through playfulness, through storytelling, even through physical contact.

“To me,” he continues, “It’s like a job interview. Would you go to a job interview with no resume, dressed in jeans and a t-shirt and just wing it? No. You would prepare. You would carefully get together your resume. You would dress right.

“That’s what pick up is. Getting good at presenting your best self.”

Guys like to look at naturals, men who are excellent with women, and mimic what they do. This is an excellent way to get good with women. You need a model.

But the thing is with these guys is that it’s NOT really their personality that’s attracting women. Yes, their personality is attracting women, but it’s the fact that they are confident with their personality that’s attracting women.

Every guy has a personality. Every guy is fun and playful. Every guy has a history of things that have happened to him that he can talk about with women.

I was watching a youtube video of a girl I used to date. I noticed her giggling and laughing as she was talking.

That’s the same way she giggles when she talks to me. Does that mean it was fake?

loopydave.deviantart.com1No. This is who she is. This is confidence. She is who she is regardless of who is with her.

Chances are, there is someone you’re confident around, or someone you’ve been confident with in your past.

Maybe it was a best friend or a relative, or someone younger than you who looked up to you.

You were uninhibited around this person. You were playful and fun. You were yourself and confident with your self.

That’s who you are. That’s who you want to be around women.

Women find it so attractive when you’re out on a date and you can be confident with everyone.

Flirt with the waitress. Compliment the coat-check guy. Be cool with everyone.

In the end, this is what pick up does for you. It gives you confidence because you can practice being yourself over and over again with multiple women.

You lose your inhibition as you practice being yourself.

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posted in Attraction

COMMENTS
31 responses

[...] Eric Disco – “You’re In Luck: Women Find Confidence Sexy” [...]

Nick says:

Eric,

I dont know. I have always had confidence and talk to everyone. Hell I spoken in front of a thousand people for business seminars and played guitar before a couple of hundred people. Yet with all this game stuff and all I have studied I still cannot get a number from a beautiful woman or at least one that I am attracted too. Confidence is OVERRATED. I have friends that are have terrible self doubts and stuff and do well with hot women. Why? Well they are either good looking or have some cash. I go out with them, I have much better social skills and they will go home with women and not me.

No, this confidence thing is not all that you guys make it out to be. Sorry.

Chris says:

But you also achieve those two qualities.

1. Cash

Work hard , get an MBA from a good school, launch a company……

2. Looks

Get buff, get better clothes…….

Now with that sorted and your social skills, you will get women. But it is a numbers game, same as searching for a job. Some girls will fancy you, some don`t.

Nick says:

So looks and money do not count? I always knew they did. Thats why this whole game confidence thing is so bogus. It always was about looks and money and status….always was and always will be…anything else is a lie…

Dan says:

I have friends without good looks or cash and they still get hot chicks. If you look for proof for anything youre going to find it, so why not believe things are in your favor. Either way youre still happy. Why be ‘realistic’ and unhappy when you could be optimistic and happy. Just so you can reaffirm that your current belief system is right? I’ll pass on being right if I get to be happy and satisfied in life. But you can go on being right and miserable the rest of your life.

Eric Disco says:

So looks and money do not count? I always knew they did. Thats why this whole game confidence thing is so bogus. It always was about looks and money and status….always was and always will be…anything else is a lie…

Firstly, no one ever said that looks and wealth don’t count. They absolutely do count. But they are only a percentage of what women are attracted to. This is difficult for guys to understand, because guys tend to be a lot more oriented toward physical attractiveness than women.

Secondly, when you talk about status, there is so much more involved with status than simply, is this guy a rock star or politician. People *display* status–and it’s a lot more than just wearing a rolex. It’s about how you act, how you come across, your body language, the way you treat people, etc. In a lot of ways, the most confident guy is synonymous with the the highest status guy.

My question to you would be, what kind of evidence would prove to you that a guy can move beyond these in-built “deficiencies” and better his luck with women?

The thing is, if I showed you a guy who’s ugly and does well with women, you could say it’s because he’s rich. If I showed you a guy who’s ugly and poor and does well with women, you could tell me it’s because he was tall. Even if I found a guy with the exact same deficiencies as you who did amazingly well with women, you could find some other reason why you can’t do what he does.

I could provide studies that prove that my point, but you could find ways to write those off as well.

I truly believe that you’ve gone out there and made an effort to try and improve yourself with women and it hasn’t worked for you yet. But that doesn’t mean it can’t work. And I hope you stay open to the possibility that it can.

Eric

Matt says:

“Firstly, no one ever said that looks and wealth don’t count. They absolutely do count. But they are only a percentage of what women are attracted to. This is difficult for guys to understand, because guys tend to be a lot more oriented toward physical attractiveness than women.”

Compare the number of fat women with skinny men to the number of skinny women with fat men. The former >>> the latter. Saying men are more oriented to physical attractiveness than women is like saying men like shoe shopping more than women.

Nick says:

How could guy that is ugly pick up hot chicks if he is not rich or has some kind of extra value? Why would she be with him over some other hunk or guy with resources. It does not make sense. What does he have to offer her? Hot women are very materialistic creatures. They want more out of life because they can get it. This whole community thing teaches about evolution and that women are always trying to better themselves with a ‘better” mate. From waht I have seen thats pretty much true. Why would they not?

The reason I could not believe (and at 39 I have been around and seen alot) an ugly guy could pickup a hot chick without all the “extras” is that women want better for themselves. You think confidence is going to do that? No way. The community makes TONs of money telling guys that and very few succeed. They may not succeed due to laziness but its unrealistic. So I will give you that. I have been in this for years and its been a huge struggle. Terrible. I cant get a number to save my life but women will tell me “oh you will find somebody great someday.”

So you are telling me that an ugly dude with “confidence” who is not that well off is going to pick up hot chicks? And cows fly….women dont care about confidence. Its about what they can get.

I wish it was not the case but after all I have been through, I have not found anything else.

Patrick says:

This is interesting. Yes, why would a hot chick be attracted to a guy that is not appealing? There has to be chemistry right? He does not offer her anything she wants right? Why would telling stories and stuff make a girl hot for you? Women want shoes, bad boys on motorcycles and stuff not stories. Why would she care if you are confident or not? Eric elaborate if you can.

Eric Disco says:

This is interesting. Yes, why would a hot chick be attracted to a guy that is not appealing? There has to be chemistry right? He does not offer her anything she wants right? Why would telling stories and stuff make a girl hot for you? Women want shoes, bad boys on motorcycles and stuff not stories. Why would she care if you are confident or not? Eric elaborate if you can.

Women are attracted to men who affect them emotionally. They want an emotional roller-coaster ride, not some boring guy with a cool pair of shoes. If you can fuck with her world, play with her, and make her feel like she’s in sixth grade again, she will love you for it.

Eric

Alex says:

She might love you for it but will she make love to you? If this emotional thing is such the ticket, then why are women so headstrung on say online or even the real world where they will only date guys with certain criteria like height, eye color, hair color, having hair and all that. There is no emotions there. They seem to pick boyfriends from criteria and also to make them look good. The better looking the woman the more she does this from what I see in my area. They will not even give you the time of day unless you are 6ft tall and look a certain way (near LA). You go into a club or bar or even a Starbucks and they will not even answer you back. So where do emotions play into that Eric?

Ian says:

Eric you have pointed out something in your article:

“My objective,” he says, “is to show as much of myself as possible in the first few minutes of conversation. I do this through playfulness, through storytelling, even through physical contact.

How does that create attraction? Why would a girl be attracted to that so much as physical? Just like others have written I see girls being attracted to good looking guys. Women might find Kevin James or Jack Black funny but I do not see them putting up posters of them in their cubicles at work.

Eric Disco says:

Alex, when I say “love” I’m not talking about friendship. I’m talking about sexual attraction.

If this emotional thing is such the ticket, then why are women so headstrung on say online

Online dating is a perfect example of how much of the things you have going for you in person are negated. Women get pickier online because the only way they have to weed through all the people is information criteria, rather than her emotional experience.

You go into a club or bar or even a Starbucks and they will not even answer you back. So where do emotions play into that Eric?

They will not answer YOU back. If women won’t talk to you then you are projecting the wrong body language and opening in the wrong way. Women emotionally react to your approach. If you are all weird and creepy, she will get defensive and may not talk to you. If you are cool and can act like she’s your best friend in the world, she’ll be open to you.

I’ve coached plenty of guys who project the wrong body language, body language that doesn’t work. Yes, hot women are looking for a reason to not talk to men. It’s not an easy thing to learn. Most guys cannot walk up to a gorgeous woman and talk to her.

But there is a way to do it so that she will be receptive to you. And this is regardless of what you look like. I’ve worked with guys with all kinds of physical issues. Women will talk to you if you do it the right way. Not every woman everywhere will talk to you. No guy is 100% on with his delivery and openings. But you will talk to some gorgeous women.

Eric

Eric Disco says:

Why would a girl be attracted to that so much as physical? Just like others have written I see girls being attracted to good looking guys. Women might find Kevin James or Jack Black funny but I do not see them putting up posters of them in their cubicles at work.

Women don’t have posters of comedians up in their cubicles at work. Women are different than men. They get attracted to people in different ways. Men tend to be more visual. Women tend to be more experiential in their attraction. In other words, they become attracted based on actions more. Looks do play into it, but that’s a much smaller part of the equation for women.

Look at the trend in general. Women don’t watch porn as much, and when they do, it’s not to get aroused at the visual. It’s to get aroused at the situation. They don’t really go to strip clubs to see naked men. If they do go to a strip club, it tends to be something funny they do with their girlfriends. All that porn online with naked men, who’s consuming it? Gay men.

Both men and women will get aroused at visuals and situations, but for women the situation is more of a turn on and for men the visual is more of a turn on.

No doubt you’ll have an easier time getting attraction from women if you look like Brad Pitt rather than Quasimodo. It is part of the equation. But other things like dominance, confidence, and aggressiveness are bigger parts of the equation.

Eric

Alex says:

Yes they do not answer me back. I find that alot these days. My body language is good – I make good but not overbearing eye contact, I approach usually at an angle, I do not shake, not gittery, walk straight and upright, always have a smile or happy content look to me. Its not my body langauge and I do not come off like a creep. I have had baristas at Starbucks or various people say to me – “man, that took guts to talk to her and she must have been really cold I though you did really well.” No these women do not care about confidence – they are only after money and looks. I guarantee that if I was tall, dark and handsome they would have responded well.

I see idiots all the time pick up some of the hottest things I have ever seen and these guys are just chodes…why is that?

Eric Disco says:

These women do not care about confidence – they are only after money and looks. I guarantee that if I was tall, dark and handsome they would have responded well.

Okay, so you have perfect body lanaguage and delivery and you’ve done many approaches and none of them seem to work. And that’s because you are lacking in looks and wealth.

Before we continue this further, I need to know from you, what has worked? Have you ever been in a relationship with a woman? Ever been on a date? Ever gotten a phone number from a any girl?

You say that whenever you try to get into a conversation with a woman whom you’re attracted to, it doesn’t work. Are you able to get into a conversation with a woman whom you’re not attracted to? What about a guy? What if you walk up to any random person and ask them for directions?

Eric

Alex says:

No my body language is not perfect but its not bad. I dont lean in, I stand straight, no fidgeting. I actually learned alot about that in business training classes, was kind of forced too…lol..

Sure I have dated alot. But this is why I joined the community. I have forever dated women I was marginally attracted too, not the women I was really attracted too. So I have spent all this time and money on trying to learn how to date women I am attracted too (that is the key attracted too) and its been really hard if not impossible. Status quo you know? I go after these women but they never respond positively.

I have tons of male friends and many female friends (who most of them I am not attracted too sexually). My female friends are always telling me “you need to find a good woman.” I am very social by nature. I can go into bars or places and talk to people very easily. I can talk to women all the time and do. In work and play. I have no problems talking to people at all. Its just women I am attracted too. They are impossible. They just do not seem attracted to me no matter what I do or study. They always tell me they have a boyfriend or are just not responsive. Its very frustrating.

Lee says:

This discussion has me all fired up, and not just because I am the Lee mentioned at the beginning of this article. I’ll try to keep it short, but no guarantees :-) Let’s start with looks. All other factors held constant – you will hear me use this phrase a lot – the better looking you are, the less you will have to do to create attraction. No one is disputing that. However, that doesn’t mean that your looks are the only way you create attraction. Try this little experiment. Put up a fake online profile of a good looking guy – take a male model from a magazine and fuzzy up the pic to make it look home made. Now, start making the profile responses creepier and creepier, and I guarantee that you will see the response rate drop. Looks matter but other things matter, too. Now, take an ordinary looking guy. Put up a profile pic of him in a group of hot girls, laughing and enjoying himself, and give him some fun, flirty, ballsy profile answers, and he will get a much higher response rate than the same guy with an ordinary profile. It’s a continuum. The more of your cool, fun, confident personality you can get across while a woman is evaluating you, the less she will rely on the one criterion you cannot easily change – your looks. Thank your lucky stars that you are not seeing this problem from the perspective of an ugly woman. She has to work infinitely harder to overcome her problem with men.

Let’s move on to money. Money is a no no subject for pickup. This is especially true in sophisticated environments – upscale bars and clubs, museums and coffee shops, etc. – and wealthy areas. The wealthier the area, the less appropriate it is to talk about money. You can demonstrate some material success through style – your clothes – but if you try to tell a story that directly trumpets your wealth, you will appear weak. I ask girls this question: Is the man who tells you the following story strong or weak? “Sorry I’m late, sugah. I had to can this guy who works for me on the trading floor. I pay the guy $400k and he sits on his ass all day. Then to top it off, I come outside and there’s a ticket on my Ferrari Scuderia 16M. Doesn’t the meter maid know that if I paid $300k for my car, I don’t give a shit about a $100 ticket?” Girls cringe when I tell that story. In real life, they would be able to smell a cloud of insecurity hovering over the guy telling it. I happen to be a pretty successful guy, but I never talk about money specifically for this reason. Desirable women are smart. They know that weak men tell stories about power and wealth because they think it makes them more attractive to women. The only women who may – and I say may because I’m not even sure – respond positively to this type of story are gold diggers, and I don’t date those. You know who gets lots of pussy without any money? Lead singers in local rock bands. Why? They’re mostly dirt poor! What they have is much more valuable than money. They have social value, confidence, and balls. And that’s exactly the way you should try to attract hot women. So, if men who are good at pickup never talk about money or power, how do attractive women disproportionately wind up with powerful men? All other factors held constant, of course. Here we are coming to the real revelation. It’s not that hot women want only wealthy or powerful men. It’s that they are programmed to respond to the confidence, daring, and balls that are frequently correlated with success in other areas. Surprise! Wealthy, powerful men tend to be more daring and confident. Not much of a surprise, is it. In tests, women are really good at judging who is the top dog in a conversation between two men. They can do this even if the two wear similar clothes and the women only see but don’t hear the conversation. Evolutionary psychology tells us that women have been honed by evolution to find successful fathers for their children, and the single best correlate for success is confidence. Well guess what, bro, you can have the confidence without making a ton of dough… just like a lead singer in a rock band. And this is exactly what Eric has been saying in his posts.

One last item. If women are rejecting you before you can start a conversation, it is almost certainly because you are projecting nervousness, anxiety, neediness, or creepiness when you approach them. Eric and I have both gotten students with serious and visible physical disabilities to successfully approach and start conversations with beautiful women on a consistent basis. What happens then is a function of all of the other factors that we have been discussing, but if you are not getting even that far, it is almost certainly something that is more subtly hidden in your behavior. Something you don’t notice, but girls do. Getting into a conversation is easy. If you walk up to women in a relaxed manner and say something like, “Hey, you girls look like you might know this. Is there a bar around here called Flatiron Loung?” Substitute name of your favorite bar and boom, you’re in a conversation. I like to make it something weird that requires a little thought, something like, “Hey, do you know this, is there a castle in Central Park?” Do this with the right body language – correct posture and relaxed facial expression – and you’re in. It doesn’t mean you’re going to get laid, but you’re going to be in a conversation. Seriously, if you’re not getting this far, think about a good coaching program like the one that Eric runs. It gradually ramps up from easy openers like this one to full on pickup. And the key here is gradually.

Alex says:

Lee,

I appreciate your long note and insights. Women reject men all the time. Its a game to them. They love rejecting men. Its a power thing for them. Push the button, turn up the volume and they will reject undesirables all night long. I see it all the time in clubs and bars. So they will reject who they view as the “weakest” of the bunch for their entertainment. Guys like me I guess. Yeah I know game – who cares.

This weekend I went out to a couple of places and guess what? I actually tried your tested line of something similar to “Hey, you girls look like you might know this. Is there a bar around here called Flatiron Lounge?” Out of the 7 women I used this on I got two “F U’s”, “sorry I cant talk”, “its around the corner bye” – you get the picture.

Lee, I am sorry. Women could not give a rats you know what about stories and good conversation. Its all about finding the best looking guy, finding men that make money – and they call men shallow.

Confidence means nothing. I see women with some of the lowest forms of life in places and they fawn all over these guys. I know a couple of them. I guess there “confidence” is anti-confidence or rebel like. So what do these chicks see in them? Well most are either pretty good looking and well built, tall and all that stuff or they have coin or some kind of weird rebel thing going (metal all over, tattoos).

Sorry just my take. I wish it was different but really all this game stuff is so off. Its not a happy world and none of this instruction stuff really seems to help because I really do not think it works.

Lee says:

Alex,

I feel your pain, bro, but the results you are describing don’t match your own interpretation of reality. The women who blew you off in this simple exercise don’t know anything about how much money you make. Two “F U”s out of 7 attempts to ask for simple directions? Do you realize how atypical that is? Dude, you are doing something very, very wrong, and you don’t realize it. You can’t blame this on your looks. You can’t possibly be as bad looking as some of the men we’ve taught to do the above consistently and with positive results. This isn’t getting laid. It’s asking for directions. If you were in the NYC area, I’d take you out myself and show you how to do this just for the satisfaction of seeing you post that I was right :-)

Lee

Eric Disco says:

Alex,

What criteria are you using to objectively evaluate whether this stuff truly “works”? If you are already convinced that this doesn’t work, your confidence is low by definition. Your confidence with women is low as is your confidence in the process of bettering yourself with women. This doesn’t prove or disprove that confidence is attractive, but it is difficult to disprove that confidence is attractive by projecting disbelief.

So how do you “prove” whether this works or not? Objective psychology studies? If we are trying to answer the question definitively whether it works or not, perhaps that’s the best way.Stories and personal anecdotes, both mine and yours are not definitive. I have tons of stories of guys who are very deficient in the physical department who have done well. Lee has seen it too many times with his own eyes as well. I myself have gone from a guy who was incredibly insecure about his looks to someone who never ever gives it a thought anymore. But the plural of anecdote is not data. Stories do not prove anything. We could go back and forth all day giving example after example of things in our own lives.

I constantly invite skepticism into my life. For example, I have huge doubts and skepticism about acupuncture. This is because I haven’t seen any studies supporting its efficacy–until recently. I recently read a scientific study on rats that showed the benefits of acupuncture. Now I’m less skeptical.

There are also times when I doubt whether guys can seriously improve when it comes to women. There are times when I’m feeling low confidence and I question a lot of things. Can I become better? Have I just been lying to myself? Have I bought into an entire industry built on shakey ground that simply has miraculous selling power? These guys push solutions as if its a religion. They have a lot invested on getting you to believe what they’re saying.

So are you looking for scientific studies? Would that convince you? And if not, what would? Are you here to be convinced or to simply confirm your belief? That’s okay too, but ultimately I can’t convince you of anything if you are heavily invested in not being convinced. And its even more difficult to show you, to assess your weaknesses over an internet discussion. You coming to me for advice over the internet is a thousand times easier than you coming to me with serious doubts whether this process can work.

But I welcome honest discussion like this because it’s only by challenge that I grow. It’s people who honestly question things that force me to look inside and ask those same questions to myself. I appreciate that you went out and tried some of this out. Thank you for your input here.

Eric

Rich says:

This is really good. I have been following this article and comments and I can see points from each side.

Eric, I am a bit puzzled myself. I am divorced about two years now and just getting back or trying to get back to dating. Not having much success with it but I keep on trying. I too ask women questions and get a lot of rude answers. Alot. Seems they are not as friendly as I have read they supposedly are. Anyway, how does this whole game thing work? I have read The Game, read your blog and some other things but they never really explain why it works on women as say compared to the usual culprits of tall, dark and handsome. You seem pretty eloquent with your answers so I figured you might be able to write something in laymen’s terms. I understand that women would like a guy that is sure of himself (confidence) but beyond that, how does this work in getting a woman attracted to a guy? Can you or your friend Lee comment on this or can you write a blog entry on it? I am really confused on why and how it works. Thanks

AreaWoman says:

Guys, guys! Time out! Let me first say that those of you who hold this negative attitude (you know who you are) are going to get nowhere. Fast. And no, you can’t fake a positive attitude. Girls can pick up on that negativity from a mile away and it’s a huge turn-off. And do you know what else is a huge turn-off? Lack of confidence! What is a girl supposed to do with a weak, self-doubting wimp? Your tone of voice and your body language betray how you really feel. If your approach is shaky and you come across as fearful, uncertain, etc., it’s quite unpleasant for us, so we are definitely not going to let you keep going. And that is when we blow you off. Though you might not believe me, Alex, we don’t take a perverse pleasure in doing this. We will blow you off without hesitation but only if you make us. Also, keep in mind that confidence is not to be confused with cockiness, which can be annoying. Confidence is showing the world that you love who you are, that you’re in control, and immune to self-doubt and insecurities. It isn’t solely based on looks. You don’t have to be Brad Pitt to be confident. Do hot guys and rich guys have an advantage? Yes, I believe they do. Initially, that is. They have to be able to back up their looks and their wealth with substance. If I meet a striking guy who turns out to be stupid, or boring, or a jerk or a creep, those dashing looks won’t mean so much to me anymore. The same holds true for rich guys. Patrick, you mentioned that women want bad boys on motorcycles. Bad boys are best appreciated from a safe distance. Get any closer and watch that element of danger/mystery quickly fade. Ian, I would take Jack Black over all the “pretty” boys I’ve dated in my life. Charm and charisma go a long way. At the end of the day, women want a guy who is supportive, interesting, funny, smart, has a lot going for himself and a positive attitude. If this package happens to come along with good looks, sure we’ll take that, but a girl can’t live on good looks alone. Look at what happened to Elvis and Brando :S Also, a guy who has none of these qualities but takes us on weekly shopping sprees will not do for very long either. Am I saying I don’t like shopping? Absolutely not! I’m a girl after all, but I know what really matters in life, and if my guy makes me happy by making me laugh, stimulating my mind and treating me right, then anything material that he might get me is just a bonus. The way to a girl’s heart is not through Bloomingdale’s. And men who think women will fall in love with them if they flash their money are pathetic. Ok, so now that you’ve gotten a tattoo and traded your khakis for ripped jeans… Chillax, I’m joking. Now that you’ve decided to give yourself and all the girls out there another chance, now that you’ve opened your mind, changed the way you think, and made this into something fun instead of stressful, also remember that it’s not always what you say but how you say it. Practice saying the same “line” in totally different ways; you’ll see that your results will vary accordingly. Now, does anyone have Leonardo DiCaprio’s phone number? ;)

Lee says:

Amen, sistah! I want to date this woman!

Lee says:

My definition of game is using your knowledge of the social environment to present the most attractive image of yourself to women. There are more elements of game than can be described in this thread, or even on this site.

Eric is the world’s undisputed heavyweight champion when it comes to addressing the problem of approach anxiety. He has spent more time thinking about this problem than anyone else. He reads studies, psychology books, and other people’s blogs. He talks to dozens of pickup artists and hundreds of students to really understand both the problem and some of the possible solutions. Other workshops may focus on rapport, sexual escalation, club game, etc.

Much of game is about getting students to display the characteristics that are common to men who are already successful with women. To the extent that students only mimic these characteristics – the “fake it till you make it” school of pickup – but don’t assimilate them, their gains tend to be very short lived. Over time, successful students change into men who are desired by women.

“The Game” is more a book about pickup artists than it is a book about game itself, but there are many other books on the game itself. However, just as reading about martial arts is a bad way to learn martial arts, reading about game is a bad way to learn game. Most men need coaching. A good coach will immediately see so many of the problems that are invisible to you but hurt your game.

Teaching men how to behave confidently is definitely a cornerstone of game, but confidence is not the only thing women look for. Women are more interested in men who are pre-selected by desirable women, men who are leaders of other men, and men who have a strong desire to protect friends, family, and loved ones, to name just a few of the characteristics that to a greater or lesser extent are visible in a social environment.

If you don’t know where to start, find a good workshop. If you are just starting out, you probably need to get comfortable just approaching and engaging women. That is exactly Eric’s specialty. I am not in any way affiliated with his workshop. I just genuinely think he does a great job.

Eric Disco says:

How does this whole game thing work? I have read The Game, read your blog and some other things but they never really explain why it works on women as say compared to the usual culprits of tall, dark and handsome. You seem pretty eloquent with your answers so I figured you might be able to write something in laymen’s terms. I understand that women would like a guy that is sure of himself (confidence) but beyond that, how does this work in getting a woman attracted to a guy?

For women, intercourse carries with it a much greater investment–9 months with the child. Due to differences in sexual investment, this does not only make women more choosy than men, but they have evolved to value different signs of “health” when it comes to sexual reproduction. And by value, I mean instinctually choose different things.

Both men and women value physical attractiveness as a sign of health. However, the behavior of monogamy has evolved as a strategy for sexual success of offspring. Again, by strategy we don’t mean conscious decision but an evolved, instinctual behavior. Women are more attracted to men who can “provide” for the child after it’s born. So women have an inclination to choose men who are wealthy.

Okay, so we can see why both men and women are attracted to physical attributes and women are attracted to wealth. But sexual strategies are more complex than this.

The act of sexual intercourse is an extremely fast process in relation to the birth process. A decision to participate in an act that lasts minutes could lead to a 9 month pregnancy plus years of child-rearing. As Lee stated above, it is not always obvious which man has the wealth. You can’t see his bank book. And in terms of evolution, wealth and money did not even exist. It was understood as status. This comes down to who is the leader. The leader is the one who has access to the greatest resources and will have the most opportunities for mating.

In lower-evolved life-forms, like wolves, the leader is always the one who is physically the toughest. He’s the one who would win in a fight. In social living, these creatures don’t always fight. In fact 99% of the time, animals in the same social group will never fight to the death. They have ways around actual fighting that involve posturing and sizing up your opponent. Things like eye contact will communicate whether you intend to fight or submit. Here we can see that communication of your strength, a.k.a. confidence, can be different than your actual strength. But the two better be pretty similar or you’re gonna get yourself killed. There is an extremely high cost with faking confidence. If you stare down the wrong individual, you could get yourself killed.

Humans, and chimpanzees as well, operate in a different type of social hierarchy than other primates and all lower life forms. Who is at the top of the hierarchy when it comes to humans? It’s actually not the toughest guy. Just because you can beat people up doesn’t mean that everyone will follow you. Human beings develop hierarchy based on *contribution* to society. Who is at the top of the hierarchy? Nobel Prize winners. Rock stars. Artists. Thinkers. Architects. Athletes. Actors. Businessmen. These people contribute positively to society. Some dude that goes around threatening people won’t get very far at all. Humans work on an affiliative basis. You value friends when they contribute positively to your life. You don’t value people because they’re capable of physically harming people. The true alpha is not the football player from your high school who bullied other kids, it’s the guy who got everyone else to like him.

Humans and chimps have evolved past the hierarchy based on threat. But there are still remnants of it. There is still a part of us that responds to dominance and threat.

But for the course of human evolution, for the last few million years, there wasn’t a Nobel Prize committee. There wasn’t money to bestow on people. There wasn’t even government to vote the most beloved people into power. There were only bands of humans in social groups. These social groups could easily change from day to day. If you look at indigenous people and also chimpanzee, groups change a lot.

Let’s take a look at why we have these groups in the first place. Social living is beneficial to animals in many ways. They can acquire food together through hunting, gathering, or later farming. They can protect each other from predators, both predators of different species and threats from within their own species. And mating opportunities are much more abundant if you are living in close proximity. The behavior of social living evolved because it is extremely beneficial to species.

But there are problems with social living. The main problem with social living is the question of who is the leader. If you are going to live in a group, someone needs to be the leader. The leader of your group was chosen based on his contribution to society and his ability to lead. But the exact skill that was most valued was always changing. Maybe if there was an abundance of game, it would be hunting that was most valued. Maybe if you were near water, fishing would be valued. So it was difficult to tell who was the most valued at any given time. But the one thing that held constant was confidence.

Affiliative hierarchies develop a behavior known as a charismatic-dependent relationship. That is, when you get two or more people together, usually the most confident one becomes the leader and the less confident ones become the followers. This is beneficial for everyone involved. If someone comes to me for coaching, he’ll be the follower and I’ll be the leader. I know more about this stuff so he defers to me. That same guy may be a computer expert. If I go to him for help with my computer, all of a sudden he’s the confident one and I’m follower. What’s interesting about this dynamic is that the leader becomes even more confident and the follower even less confident. In other words, I may know something about computers, but he’s the expert, so I pretend I know very little and just let him take the lead. My tendency would not be to go in confidently showing him what little I know.

His confidence is based on capability and numerous successes in that area. When I interact with him in person, there is also a *physical* behavioral component to his confidence. His behavior changes when he is “in his own domain” talking about what he knows best. His voice becomes louder. He speaks up more. He takes initiative. He takes charge. He will tell you how to solve your problem and may even tell you what to do. He becomes a bit uppity because everyone needs him. He is king of his own little world. With that comes a change in behavior.

And I respond to that behavior.

If I don’t know who he is, and he comes across as being confident with computers, I’ll respond to that. I’ll listen to him. If he fucks up my computer, I may feel cheated. But he got my “attraction” because he acted confident with computers. He got my attention.

This response to confidence is a powerful, instinctual, evolved behavior. It is extremely beneficial for humans to work together in groups. The charismatic-dependent relationship evolved to allow us to work together in groups by providing a leader. If everyone felt equally confident, we wouldn’t feel like we need each other and we would be less likely to stay together. The fact that humans respond to confidence means that we will stay together in social groups. This is critical for our survival.

Humans are built to be highly responsive to indicators of confidence. It’s there for our survival. If you look at where our behavior evolved over the last ten million years, there was no such thing as money or wealth. Even the idea of possessions is relatively new. Chimpanzees have almost the exact same social structure as humans but none of them have possessions. They do, however, have a very evolved structure of hierarchy based on both behavior and physical capability.

When it comes to sexual reproduction, women are much more sensitive to these signals of confidence than men are because they have a much greater investment when they have sex. This is not a logical, decision-based evaluation she’s making, this is an instinctual, almost instantaneous evaluation of your confidence. It’s an emotional process, a behavior that has evolved to make sure her offspring are as successful as possible.

Everyone of us has the potential to be the follower or the leader. In almost any given situation you may find that you are the leader or the follower. Our brains are much more malleable than our bodies. This means you can become the leader with women. You can build your confidence with women. And she will have no choice but to respond to that.

Eric

Marcello says:

Now that you’ve decided to give yourself and all the girls out there another chance, now that you’ve opened your mind, changed the way you think, and made this into something fun instead of stressful, also remember that it’s not always what you say but how you say it. Practice saying the same “line” in totally different ways; you’ll see that your results will vary accordingly.

It does not work like that. One does not wake up one morning, press the “confident” and “open minded” buttons and goes to meet women succesfully. One can force oneself to take action, but that’s it and it seems that it is what Alex has done anyway.

The problem basically is: it all fine and dandy to tell someone “change you beliefs” and “be more confident” but how exactly does one get there? The brain does not have a software update feature…
As far as I have read the solutions boil down to either “sit down and think happy thoughts” or “go out and get at least some positive results” (or combination thereof). No. 1 is a tricky affair and if women routinely tell you to go and screw yourself with even basic approach then you are obviously back to square one.

Perhaps a guy like Eric could spot some particular monkey wrench in the cogs and suggest some specific exercise to remove it. But given human psychology I doubt that it is always something easily circumscribed and fixed and besides what Eric does seems to be a rather rare skill; I have met several guys who were doing well with women, but guys who were really good with women AND understood what were doing AND had the teacher skillset (and willingness to use it)? Hens’ teeth are more common.

There are several dating companies now but they aren’t always within reach and often cannot deliver what they promise, especially for tricky cases.

Eric Disco says:

Turned the above comment into a full post with some added info.

Women Find Confidence Sexy: The Science

Eric

Nathan says:

Got lost half way through this thread, but I have some proof that confidence works.

James Corden is hot property in the UK right now, thanks to the sitcom “Gavin and Stacey” – he’s overweight, average and wouldn’t be particularly attractive if not for that infectious personality.

Check out popstar Lily Allen’s reaction to him:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LZhVyP9dSw0

I work in radio – that impresses women, but it doesn’t make a blind bit of difference if I don’t then use my personality to keep them hooked. Status only carries you so far with real women.

In a line, then: forget your bad bits, project your good bits, and develop a personality bigger than your drawbacks. Simple!
Good luck, friends…

Axel says:

Blocked vid, man! Otherwise agreed.

Nathan says:

@Axel – Yeah, might be ’cause your not in the UK. Just search youtube for the two names…

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