The Bitter Man Drops the Ball

by Eric Disco
Jun 2

elblogdepinturero.blogspot.com1Guest writer Erin Whitehead is a featured writer for OnlineDatingSites.net. You can follow her on Twitter at Twitter.com/girlwithatail.

Ryan had a sarcastic sense of humor and a sweet smile.

He seemed a little guarded on our first date, but I figured that would change with time.

We were in line at the concession stand when he first mentioned his ex.

I’m pretty sure his eyes glowed red.

“She’s the reason I no longer trust women,” he said. “I’m not about to be an idiot in love again.”

Then he asked if I wanted to share the jalapeno poppers.

Um, rewind.

Why are you on a date with me if you have no intention of falling in love again?

I had a momentary impulse to be the girl who shows him women can be trustworthy, who gets him to open up again but¡Ä

No. That’s not my job. I come with my own history of break ups and heartbreaks.

There are certain female stereotypes that have been labeled undesirable when it comes to dating: The High Maintenance Girl, The Shallow Girl, The I-Need-to-be-a-Mommy-NOW Girl.

We ladies have a few types of our own from which we try to steer clear: The Mama’s Boy, The Passive Aggressive Guy, The Player. Most of these have earned their negative reputation for good reason.

But the type I’ve encountered a lot lately is The Bitter Man. This type pains me the most because The Bitter Man is actually a great guy… well, a misguided great guy.

We’ve all been hurt. If you didn’t marry your high school sweetheart and are still single and dating in adulthood, you’ve had your heart broken, smashed, or at least dented a number of times.

The person you were imagining yourself spooning into old age, or at least going with you to that concert in two months, suddenly ? knife in chest ? doesn’t love you anymore.

elblogdepinturero.blogspot.com2For some guys, depending on how ugly the break up, and how invested he was, this awful realization leads to the decision to close up shop.

The treehouse sign gets flipped back to No Girls Allowed–at least emotionally.

I’ve seen it in a lot of my guy friends: super sweet, sensitive guys who have set up an armed guard around their heart that rivals Lord of the Rings.

It’s understandable that anyone ? guy or girl ? might feel the need to close up after a big hurt.

But in the long run, it doesn’t keep you from getting hurt again; it just guarantees you fewer opportunities to meet someone awesome you really like.

Maybe Bitter Man eventually decides she’s trustworthy and reciprocates. But by then it may be too late. That girl may have already moved on.

No girl wants to feel like she’s going to have to bare her soul with nothing in return.

Having perspective and humor about heartbreak is a positive quality. It’s charming when a guy makes an effort to not drag you into his fort of love gone bad.

When a guy can laugh at something humiliating or sad in his past – in a way that doesn’t feel hardened or forced — it’s attractive.

So dudes, please stop treating your heart like Fort Knox.

And hey, while you’re at it, release the prisoners! And by prisoners I mean the jalapeno poppers.

Seriously. Stop hogging.

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posted in First Dates, Rapport Skills

COMMENTS
45 responses
Nonstop says:

I always enjoy seeing female perspectives. Thanks for this.

B Dub says:

Thanks for posting this. I have, until recently ( and still occasionally facing it), been one of those “Bitter Men”. The damnedest thing about it is I agree with the sentiment that they (at least speaking for myself here) are great yet misguided. I’ve certainly been that based on past experience, I’ve been reluctant to really let a woman in as I would fall into the grip of doubting her intentions toward me. I’ve also been on the sad side of seeing a great girl that I didn’t let in, and who wanted to be let in, walking away on another man’s arm because she decided that i was a lost cause. It’s always been painful (ironic, as that was what I was trying to avoid).

It’s nice to see the other side of this situation.

Joshua says:

I’m not one of those truly bitter men and thankfully, I can still talk to women without having a chip on my shoulder but I can definitely attest to having a “Fort Knox” around my heart so to speak. I’ve been hurt in the past during points in my life when I was living on my own with 0 social network, which vastly compounded the pain and loneliness I felt. I didn’t even think I was capable of feeling that broken down.

I honestly don’t think I’ll ever “bare my soul” to a woman who I have no intentions on marrying. Showing weakness & being all mushy-mushy is what caused every woman I’ve been intimate with to lose complete interest and leave me.

Fly says:

+1 Joshua.

I’ve been there too, recently. The only reason I’m not bitter is because I consider it an ugly emotion. People get hurt, and nothing is more unbecoming than feeling resentment in return.

Not really sure what I’ll do about it now. Maybe keep reading this site :)

Asdf says:

Hahaha…. right.

Women just don’t understand, no shit we keep a “lock” on our hearts. That’s because we have better things to do with our lives than fall in love with you and bear our heart for you to break it b/c now you’re bored (since the chase is over).

Why should he give you the confirmation you’re looking for on the first date (that you have another “catch” twisted around your finger)? You have to give us a reason to appreciate you as a human being, rather than a pair of boobs and a vagina, which is our initial impression.

Women lie, cheat, and steal their way through life, socially at least. Men actually do something productive with themselves. So excuse me if I make it a little tougher for you to get what you see as a “victory” immediately (men see it as a sad fact of life of course).

And to any White Knights that want to reply to this, LOL. Get off the computer and go talk to a woman face to face for once, you’ll find out the truth.

Marsha says:

I am ending a relationship with a bitter man, I was with him for 4 years.
He was guarded and defensive. Never allowing me to get close to him. He wanted to “keep it light”.
Last argument we had he screamed..”I am sick and tired of you Women!”
I feel sorry for him..I really wanted to be there for him.
I realized that I Needed to be there for myself first, and that he was a broken man.
Women…know the signs of a bitter man..choose love of self.

Cameron says:

Asdf,

Wow, you are truly bitter.

I hope that one day you open your heart and involve yourself in a truly satisfying relationship.

all the best,

Cameron

hmm says:

+ another one Joshua!

The trouble I find is that so many women in my life have expected me to make so much of the effort, especially at the start of any relationship. Is it more common for women to ask men out or the other way around! Initiating sex – is it more common for women to initiate or for men to do it! Granted, the women involved may not want to have sex ALL the time but please, make more effort because there’s TWO people in each relationship.

The truth is that far more pressure is put on men than women at these times and if, like myself, the man has more pressing matters in his life then his top priority *MIGHT NOT* be to try and read women’s minds or to make a lot of effort in the HOPE of getting affection back.

Seriously, during the period after my brother’s suicide I still met women who thought nothing of telling me to ‘cheer up’ or ‘get over it’ or judged me entirely based upon how much or little I helped them out. You might like to think that those were just a small, maladjusted minority. You’re wrong: FAR more women would say they’re kind and giving than actually ARE kind and giving.

And it’s not like ‘Asdf’ is entirely wrong in his outlook – a lot of women DO lie, cheat and manipulate (maybe out of boredom, maybe for other reasons).

And ‘Marsha’: people say all kinds of things during arguments they don’t really mean. You can say about loving yourself first but the trouble is that so many of the selfish women I’ve known use that as an excuse to ONLY think of themselves and to run from relationships when they get ‘real’. Hopefully I’m wrong about you.

I guess what annoys me most about this is that, more than ever, women are shown positive role models and lauded over when they achieve in business or the classroom (rightly so) but men are rarely applauded or complimented even when they achieve the same things these women do. Maybe I just got left with a c**p life, but I am CONSTANTLY taken for granted (even when I saved a friend’s life) and *I* would love it if a women would show her appreciation for me without me having to bend over backwards to be kind to her first.

So, women, that’s my challenge to you – make the first move more often because (most) men deserve your openness and unconditional kindness too!

Mickey says:

ASDF: I’m with you!

When the dating game is so rigged to hose most guys at every turn, and the only options are to endure the situation or turn bitter, then its time to cut your losses and get lost.

No point in losing sleep over something that was never really possible, anyway.

Mickey says:

There is also the following stubmling blocks that make dating an exercise in futility and certain failure:

1) The pervasive “all men are dogs” mentality.
2) The so-called “bitch shield”.
3) The gang of “cock-blocking” friends who’s mission in life is to stonewall every attempted approach.
4) Many (not all) women seem to get a charge out of cutting down guys at the knees at every turn.
5) Many women like to portray themselves as “unapproachable”, and wear a chip on their shoulder like a badge of honor.

I stumbled across another site not too long ago and there was a quote that pretty summed up the overall hopelessness of gender relations: “I am hot. You want me. You know you want me. But you can’t have me.”

That tells me the game is over. How can one not be at least cynical in the face of something like that?

Lee says:

@Mickey Dude, you just got through acknowledging the success of other men in your previous post and now you’re back to making blanket statements about how all of game doesn’t work. No one can stop you from giving up, but at least keep your bullshit consistent. There are plenty of men on here who are very happy with the results they got from game. –Lee

Mickey says:

Lee:

I have never said that anything was a blanket failure. What I have consistently said is that some are successful and others aren’t. What’s the crime?

Lee says:

@Mickey The game is over? Dating is an exercise in futility and certain failure? That doesn’t sound like you’re talking about your own game. It sounds like you’re talking about game in general. Be fair. There are many guys on here who are very happy with what game has done for them.

mickey says:

Lee:

The grammatical error is all mine. To clarify, I should have said an exercise in futility and certain failure for some. I never intended to say either expressly or implicitly that any of this was in general.

I couldn’t have if I’ve already stated that there are those that are quite successful already.

Sorry for the confusion.

Lee says:

@Mickey Thank You

BP says:

I found this site out of the blue and since I have been struggling with this fact of being bitter myself let me explain. And I wholeheartedly agree with the comments from the angry dudes of women being the perps instead of the victims as we are so constantly reminded of on a daily basis from pop media and the culture it shits out.
They truly can be deviants, manipulative, liars, cheats, etc. Just watch how overly competitive they get when they are out for the weekend at a bar playing all the pathetic men just wanting a whiff for what is down below. Sad but true. Though they act like they are all giving and kind. NO WAY. I have been in the pits of hell on more than one occasion and not ONE time did a lover in my life step up in my deepest time of need and lend me her hand. Also men seem to have WAY more at stake in a relationship if it goes full on serious and committed. Their whole livelihood of making a living can go to the women in a marriage if she decides to bail or even have an affair. She STILL gets the dude’s business and future earnings. This country is NOT equal regardless of the idea of feminism. I think if she strays/cheats REGARDLESS of the situation it is her choice and she should get NOTHING.
I first experienced this when I was in my teens. The girls I didn’t show extreme interest in or I pulled away from seemed the most attracted to me. It is only when I gave in and showed my heart and decided to truly commit did they run or change into a raging bitch. The first one cheated TWICE on me. The second just changed into an uptight bitch from a woman that would have sex anywhere at anytime and treat me like a god to someone telling me to “stop doing this stop doing that”. Of course mind you that in my early stages of distant emotion did she horn all up. Women are without a doubt the biggest players in this game. And ALL my friends that play get the chicks. If you are honest and real they shit all over you or are uncomfortable by honesty. They live in a godamn dream world of mediocre popular television. Not only do they want a guy to have a good job, car, house. They on top want him to be cute, sensitive, tough, attentive,……… EVERYTHING. You know what we want……………? You to stay thin, take care of yourself and have sex with us instead of that douchebag you want to cheat on us with. THAT IS IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We are simple. It is YOU girls that want the world due to your princess entitlement bullshit and this makes many of us jaded and I am glad my fellow dudes are waking up to all of your conniving poo poo. And you know WHY there are so many single moms in this country? BECAUSE INSTEAD OF HAVING SEX WITH GREAT GUYS THEY BANG THE THUG/DOUCHE THAT BAILS OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! They are attracted to bad men plain and simple. Gets their juices flowing every time and when I play it charming and a bit rough they flock to it. When I am sweet and giving. They run like hell. CAN YOU BLAME US FOR BEING CLOSED UP???????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lee says:

@bp Dude, if all you want from girls is that they sleep with you and stay thin, they are fully justified in cheating on you. No wonder they see you as just a bag of money, a pretty face, or a hot sports car. You are getting exactly what you deserve. Thankfully, I’ve never had women treat me this way, and I know why. –Lee

Justin says:

@BP I think you might over generalizing just a tad. There are a lot of crappy girls out there who treat others like crap, but just the same there are also a lot of crappy guys. You saying that all women act like this is tantamount to a woman claiming that all guys are douche bags. I’ve dated a lot of girls with a lot of insecurities, it’s a human quality. However, they were still sweet and showed no aversion to explicit interest or affection. So maybe you’re attracting these types of girls…

Either way your comment was incredibly misogynistic. That is not how I feel about women at all. I value intelligence, empathy and a sense of humor before whether she has sex with me exeryday and stays skinny. Don’t speak on my behalf.

On a positive note, I will agree that there are a lot of parts of society that are structured to benefit women. However, whether or not they have more to lose is debatable. You really don’t have to worry about getting knocked up, ruining your body, and nuturing a child for 18 years. you can poke and run if you want. I also find that they tend to be more emotionally invested in a relationship. Sure, they have more options and don’t have to work as hard as men to find a mate. BUT, with all said and done, I’d much rather keep my penis. HUZAH!

Mickey says:

@BP: You are not wrong.

dave says:

I try to tell people that “bitterness” is the wrong word. My own dismal attempts to have “game” ,years and years ago, ran me out of there, and my own life is better for it.It does not sound to me like Mickey really wants the “game” to be over.
He WILL have to be a different Mickey to pull this off.

Mickey says:

No, Dave, the game IS over for me.

dave says:

Mickey – I do not agree ( bad for this site, I know) because you have been putting out some effort. Cynical? There are women out there who are just as cynical as you are. Maybe you and I are not as “skilled” as Lee and Eric in doing all this, but there is some kind of conversation coming up between you and some woman who has the same “misgivings” about all of this. It is going to be one long talk where you can just be yourself, and I can’t wait to hear about it!

Mickey says:

Dave: I just hope I live long enough to see that happen.

John says:

I had my heart broken when I was 23 and she stole money from me too. I for one am never trusting again. Lonely? yes. Better than going through that again though? Absolutely. The thugs and douchebags can have all the women, I don’t trust them as far as I can throw them anymore. Sorry ladies, but you can’t just crap on us and then expect us to come back for more. No doubt, the comment will coem that women are better off without guys like me anyway. Well, guys like me are better off without women, so it’s all good.

Mickey says:

John:

HELL FUCKIN YEAH!!!

MrAntiquity says:

sorry that happened, John–but seriously–kind of a broad brush you’re using here?

Lee says:

Wow, what planet are you living on? I’m having trouble convincing women I know to accept financial help from me when they really, truly need and deserve it. Do you think there might be a difference in the messages we send to women when we first meet them? Do you think that the ones that get through your filter are the ones who are more likely to screw you over? Part of game is learning how not to send those walk-all-over-me signals. The last time a woman treated me unfairly with respect to money was seven years ago, and by unfairly, I certainly don’t mean stealing. I just mean she was inconsiderate.

–Lee

Mickey says:

I guess some are more fortunate than others. Oh well…

Lee says:

See, Mickey, I don’t think that being fortunate has anything to do with it. Men attract exactly the kind of predator or princes they deserve. If you’re prepared to let a woman walk all over you, it’s going to be the predator. If you know how to stand up for yourself and know when to walk away from a bad thing, it’s going to be the princess. A big part of learning game is learning to value yourself.

–Lee

dave says:

John -You are further along than a LOT of guys.If you got that far, at least you have SOME desire to do this. So many of us have never played at all, and have made our lives happy doing any number of things. Lee and Disco are here to help you become an entirely different person who can do this. It will be a different John and you will then be speaking Lee’s language.

Mickey says:

Lee: I don’t agree that I’m prepared to let a woman walk all over me; quite the contrary. I can stand up for myself when I need to, thank you very much.

Again, I’ve long since come to the realization pursuing the dating farce just isn’t worth the aggravation for me. How many times can someone bang his head against the wall only to come up empty time after time after time? The collateral damage after so many failures can only add up over time, and I admit that I threw in the sponge on this years ago.

For me, refusing to stick my neck anymore out has ZERO to do with fear, or cowardice. Mock if you must, but I’m firmly convinced that the so-called reward just isn’t worth the risk. That’s the reality I live with.

I am happy that you, Eric, and other posters are wildly successful with this. Congratulations and God bless you.

Lee says:

@Mickey

I am not mocking you. I respect your decision to give up. I am just telling you the difference between attracting women who take advantage of you and attracting women who don’t: IT’S YOU. You are the difference. When a man doesn’t know how to deal with women, he attracts women who take advantage of his weakness. When a man does know how to deal with women, he attracts sweethearts. The difference is not in the girls. The difference is in the guys!

–Lee

Mickey says:

Lee: In the final analysis, when one neither approaches nor attracts, does that so-called difference really matter?

Lee says:

Of course it matters, Mickey. If you gave up on women because you had terrible experiences with women, knowing why your experiences were so awful is important. They may not be important to you because you are not going to try again, but they’re important to other men on this site who are still trying to meet desirable women. The last thing I would want is for them to listen to you and walk away with the conclusion that most girls are there to ruin their lives. It’s just not true.

–Lee

Mickey says:

Lee:

I don’t know that telling most guys that there is a needle in the ten thousand foot haystack isn’t the most optimal solution.

What is the most optimal solution? Admittedly, I just don’t know.

dave says:

Mickey – I have been dancing with Eric and Lee for some time now, and they give forthright and insightful answers, not necessarily
to advance their own interests nor to put people down. They are telling you that you will be a completely different person if you observe their techniques.
Without even meeting or knowing me, they found that I, maybe like you, see the world in” black and white” and that means a world without women. That is ok for me, but I think that YOU want something different. You will adapt an entirely different attitude in order to do this, and to be good at it!

Mickey says:

@Dave:

Despite my own disagreements with Lee, I have no doubt that his (along with yours & Eric’s) heart is in the right place.

That said, this might be a stupid question, but I have nothing to lose, so here it is: how are YOU so convinced that I “want something different” when I’ve already said ad-infinitum that this is an exercise in futility for me?

Lee says:

The vast majority of men on this site have not had the experience that women are evil harpies out to break their hearts and steal their money. If you go to sites on dating for girls, you will see something very similar to what you see here, normal questions about relationships, about how to let boys know they like them, about how to handle rejection, and so on. There is no evil conspiracy to screw you over, Mickey. That’s all in your head. But the truth is there is nothing special about your case. Men who don’t know how to handle women invite exactly the kind of bad experiences that you have described. Once they know how to handle women, they attract exactly the kind of women they want to date.

–Lee

Mickey says:

Lee:

With all due respect, I beg to differ (again). If you don’t believe that male bashing is out there, Google “men suck” (for example) and see how many hits you get. I submit that is neither a figment of my imagination nor an isolated mindset. The anti-male antipathy is a lot more mainstream than you might realize, and this isn’t something that came up only recently, either. This mindset is at least 30 years old, and counting.

In my humble opinion, all the personal confidence in the world won’t fix that. So what does one do when all that’s out there is the enemy camp? One does not go in!!!

Finally, since you are so convinced that this is all in my head and it takes only an attitude adjustment and positive reinforcement to turn me into a “babe magnet”, let me ask you this: are there any attitude adjustment techniques to turn me into a six-foot five NFL quarterback while we’re at it?

Lee says:

Typing “men suck” into google produces almost the same number of hits as “women suck”. In other words, what I previously said is absolutely true. Both the positive and negative experiences of men and wome are symmetrical, and the fact that you didn’t try your own query with the word “men” replaced by the word “women” shows your bias. The vast majority of men on this site have had a different experience. And all of the ones who improve their skills with women will eventually find women who love them. You want to give up? That’s fine by me, but don’t come on here spreading lies that will derail other men.

–Lee

Mickey says:

Well, I if were the only guy who felt this way, I wouldn’t put up much of a fight. However, there are any number of other guys who feel the same way. Are they liars, too?

Lee says:

I am an older man, as is Eric, and our experience does not match what you’re describing. Furthermore, we have students on here who used to believe as you do but no longer do. They learned how to deal with women and no longer allow themselves to be manipulated or deceived. Their experiences became positive. Why? Did they become six foot five quarter backs? Did they become dot com millionaires? No. They learned game.

–Lee

MrAntiquity says:

Mickey–they’re not liars–they just haven’t allowed themselves to have the experiences that would lead them to realize their prior assumptions were completely wrong.

I hated women for years (real hate–not just saying this. Full on misogyny) before I figured out that the problem was me. Now rather than despise women, I work on myself. And it works.

Mickey says:

I’ll say one thing that I hope we can agree on:

MERRY CHRISTMAS, BOYS!!!

dave says:

Mickey – Happy Holidays to you and yours! I know EXACTLY where you are coming from, since I am alone most of the time. God gave me a great life, and for me, and what I do, it is better and I am happy. I do challenge Lee and Eric from time to time because I believe that the “game” is flawed.
I told you before that their “methods” point you to an attitude that is thoroughly opposed to how you see things. What you see as “an exercise in futility” will change IF you change and adopt the methods that Eric and Lee are describing. “Mickey” will be a completely different person — you will not recognize him.

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