Comments on: Six Myths the Nice Guy Believes

By: 3-D

3-D — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 21:07:50 +0000

Long ago I had a lot of this summed up by a shrink that finally broke my Nice Guy ™ for me. He listened for a while, then summed everything up in one short statement: “You treat every woman the way you treat your mother. That doesn’t give women any sense of you WANTING them sexually, and that’s ultimately the difference between friendship and closer relationships: sexual attraction. You have to make them feel wanted in every way, including sexually. She taught you to think that way, because she wants a nice well-mannered son.”

Remember Nice Guys, you treat her like you treat your mother, and she’ll find somebody who doesn’t. And it won’t even necessarily be treating her like crap. He’ll just make her feel attractive where you don’t.

Mom was wrong, your balls are right. Make the women feel attractive.

By: Wim

Wim — Tue, 06 Oct 2009 15:08:12 +0000

@Anonymous_Coward September 27th, 2009 at 5:59 am:
> so that hitting on women is a favour rather than an imposition or an act of aggression.

The very fact that you’re interested in her is the biggest compliment you can give her.

You don’t need to look for an idea to make it admirable. It already is.

By: Bernie Frank

Bernie Frank — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 20:21:59 +0000

I agree with all this, nice guys are no fun to be with and I can usually spot them when they approach me before they even open their mouths. More guys should read this- get the word out!!

By: Anonymous_Coward

Anonymous_Coward — Sun, 27 Sep 2009 10:59:06 +0000

Thanks for that, Eric. I think number 3 is where a lot of my hang-ups come from. I’m a pacifist, I think that aggressive action is inherently wrong. I can’t bring myself to cross anyone’s boundaries without some kind of excuse or justification that doing so will be as desirable for the other party as it is for me – effectively, I feel like I need to know that an interaction will be successful before I initiate it, or else it’s immoral. That’s what I’ve been looking for in the pua community – some kind of idea as to how I can become deeper, more interesting or more admirable so that hitting on women is a favour rather than an imposition or an act of aggression. I’ve not found that yet.

By: Spooked

Spooked — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 06:45:29 +0000

Thanks for the response, Eric.

I’m really gonna have to think more about this “kicking you out” thing. Early in one relationship I was in such a position, and telling her that okay, time’s up, I’m late for something apparently made her feel used. In fact, it reinforced her notion that I was a “player,” a fact which was easily debunked by the math books littered across my dinner table.

I would have tried to do it with more of a smile… or maybe a sly grin… or a… I don’t know, but it sounds like it takes a bit of je ne sais quoi to actually be an improvement over the “nice” approach. I would practice being “mean” without being mean if only I could find opportunities.

By: Eric Disco

Eric Disco — Sun, 20 Sep 2009 16:50:32 +0000

Anyway, I’d be thrilled to hear if “take home anxiety” is correlated with “approach anxiety,” and if so, it’s something people find a reason to overcome.

Approach anxiety is usually the biggest and most notable fear a guy will encounter when trying to improve his lot with women.

However, there are host of other secondary fears and anxieties at every stage of the game. If you can open a conversation with her, you may be afraid to stay in there and continue the interaction.

If you can stay in and get into a conversation, you may be afraid to sexually escalate or banter or amp up the interaction in some way, like trying to take her on an instant date or take her home.

Those secondary fears tend to be more of a fear of loss. You are afraid to do something because you don’t want to risk ruining the interaction or turning her off.

By the way, saying something like “I’m kicking you out” is often as useful when you are in a relaitonship as when you have just met someone. If you are too nice and over-sensitive in a relationship, it will make her feel just as lame.

Eric

By: Axel

Axel — Sun, 20 Sep 2009 16:41:50 +0000

That’s interesting, Spooked. I can relate to what you’re saying, and you sound perfectly sane to me, haha.

I’d also like to hear thoughts on the problem you mention.

By: Spooked

Spooked — Sat, 19 Sep 2009 22:20:37 +0000

This may be off-topic, and perhaps irrelevant for a lot of folks here, but as I read Myth 1, I found myself thinking: “I can’t picture the scene.”

Now I’m no Don Juan, but I’ve on occasion had an opportunity arise where going home with some girl seems plausible. The only time I ever “let it happen” was when we discovered we had some pretty deep things in common, and I figured Hey, I’m not afraid to be the _real me_ around her.

On one other occasion (I know, I’ll cut the life story short here…), it was with an acquaintance, and instead of picking up on her cues at her place, I found myself in the awkward position where her roommate brought home a guy, the four of us were chatting, and I found an excuse to bail.

Anyway, I’d be thrilled to hear if “take home anxiety” is correlated with “approach anxiety,” and if so, it’s something people find a reason to overcome.

I’m not looking to “take home babes,” so it is kind of funny that I still have a deep desire to _be able to_ without anxiety. Am I crazy?