It’s amazing that sometimes the best advice comes from puas / those who dedicate a large part of their life understanding the dynamics of women, relationships and themselves. It’s also amazing that sometimes the worst, uneducated, simplistic material comes from those who claim to know it the best – councilors and other ’self help gurus’.

I’ll be reading over this article a lot in the next few days as I build up the strength and courage to end a 9 year relationship with a women I am engaged with.

I did a horrible job breaking-up with my last (and first) girlfriend and did it so haphazardly that I’m pretty sure I should have either never broken up with her or did it in a completely different way.

The one thing that would of helped is more talk about how to come to that decision to break-up with someone, and when you really know you should. You’ve got a lot of tips but I didn’t feel as fulfilled about that, given that I think I made a few mistakes before making the decision. When you fall apart while breaking-up with someone, that’s probably a sign that you shouldn’t break up with them.

Anyways, great stuff. Cheers.

That is a very profound thing to say and I can relate to it, I have just broken up with my girlfriend, it had to be done before I went crazy about the way she was messing me about, reading that statement is going to help my troubled mind settle down, thank-you

Barrie

As for your man, I reckon it would come down to whether or not you are willing to go through it all again. You could stick with him and help him out, or you could depart now, get some air and some space and meet fresh people and then reunite with him down the road when he might be doing better.

Just my tuppence, however.

The lie I told was to protect her, but she doesn’t get that. Everyone I talk to says it was nothing, not a big deal.. She says I am completely in the wrong.

Based on this, it sounds like you may have been crowding her. I would give her a lot of space. You want to make her chase you. That’s what she wants. That’s what will make her happy.

So I’m sure you’ve apologized for the lying. But that doesn’t seem to be the central issue. If you want to keep this girl, you need to start beings smart about things.

And I’m not too fond of what you wrote here

She has told me in the past that the only way I learn and change is when she completely pulls away from me – then I actually make changes for the better. I can see how I am learning my lesson by her continuing to take space.

Yeah, maybe she’s got some game. Maybe she likes or dislikes certain things you do and is good at eliciting that from you. But it also looks like you are being a bit beta in “learning your lesson.” That means she’s taking the parent/dominant role in teaching you things.

If she’s getting annoyed at a lot of things you’re doing, having to teach you things and change you, then this relationship has shifted out of your control. If it’s shifted out of your control, that means she’s losing attraction for you. She wants you to be dominant and in control. And you’re not.

Check out this post for some more ideas about how to leave her wanting for more. You need to be a bit careful with this stuff because somehow she has placed you ‘in the wrong’ by getting mad at you for lying. But I strongly suspect that that issue is a smoke screen for a larger problem underneath that has to do with her feeling crowded.

Eric

I think you gave really right on advice.

There are several things that stand out to me:

1.) That she’s using me lying as an excuse to have space.
- She has a new job that she puts all of her time into and the only thing that pulls her away from it is me.

2.) It is possibly that she is truly hurt. She has told me in the past that the only way I learn and change is when she completely pulls away from me – then I actually make changes for the better. I can see how I am learning my lesson by her continuing to take space.

I could also see how by her saying how upset she is over me lying is a great way for it to be ok for her to put all of her time into her work without having to have distractions.

3.) Show her that you can be strong on your own, even at the risk of losing her.
-Yes, you are right. This is what she told me she wants.. this is the thing she says will get her back.

The lie I told was to protect her, but she doesn’t get that. Everyone I talk to says it was nothing, not a big deal.. She says I am completely in the wrong.

Thanks again man. Your blog is the best.

I was dating a great girl for 2 years. We just broke up b/c I lied to her.

What did you lie about? Was it something minor or major? It’s possible she’s using it as an excuse because she wanted space from you.

Or it’s possible she’s truly hurt over the lie. If she’s truly hurt, then she’s playing her cards well. She must distance herself from you. I would continue to try to contact her every once in a while but also give her her space. Be truly apologetic for what happened. Tell her you’re sorry but that you also want to continue to understand how she’s feeling about this and continue to work out any issues this caused. Tell her you are committed to the process of working this out.

If she was already distant before she found out about the lie and is using this as an excuse to get some space, then you want to play it differently. Give her more space than she asks for. You should probably still apologize because you’re in the wrong, but if it was something minor then you shouldn’t make too big a deal about the apology for lying. The lying may just be a side issue.

Show her that you can be strong on your own, even at the risk of losing her. Express in perfectly clear terms that you are sorry and you miss her (if you do) but do not ramble on about it.

Eric