Advanced Tactics to Turn Back the Tide

by Eric Disco
Aug 7

You met a girl. Got her number. Went out on a date. She likes you, but you got a little too clingy somehow. Maybe you texted her too much. Or pushed too hard for another meet up. Or your emotions got the best of you and you were mushy and sentimental when you should have been playful and challenging. Perhaps you got needy. You turned into a wussy. You let your insecurity get the best of you and communicated that to her in some way.

You can sense her getting distant. She’s feeling a bit crowded. She’s into you, but you can tell she’s pulling away. She occasionally reciprocates your overtures and occasionally initiates half-hearted overtures herself. But when it comes down to it–spending time together or hooking up– she has an attitude that says hands off. You’re just not a priority to me. You’re just no good enough.

And you’re left feeling like an emotional basket-case. All your “game” is suddenly out the window. You were once cool, playful and a challenge. Now you’re hurting, confused, conflicted, and not sure what to do.

And you realize that if you don’t change course, if you don’t fix the situation, it will spiral down and eventually end things.

How do you fix it?

The main idea to correcting something that’s going off course is using time and space to your advantage. You are capitalizing on the fact that there is some interest there already. By showing a careful combination of initiative and lack of initiative, you can amp up her interest.

A great analogy to relationships is flying a kite. You pull a little bit and then you let go. You pull again and let go again. Pretty soon that kite is flying as high as it can go.

Another analogy is starting a fire. If you throw a giant log on a small pile of smoldering kindling, it will crush out the flames. Sometimes it’s too far gone to rescue. But other times, you can pull back and give that fire a lot of air so that it builds back up again on it’s own–without you doing a whole lot.

What you’re doing here is playing with time and space. Giving her time to think about you. You’re pulling away. But not just pulling away, you are doing it in a way that highlights the fact that you are pulling away.

You are contacting her less. You are spending less time with her.

But this DOES NOT mean that when you are with her you act disinterested and bored.

Indeed, you are becoming scarce. But scarcity doesn’t mean anything if the scarce product itself doesn’t hold ANY value. It must have SOME value. Even if the value isn’t as high as gold or diamonds, the fact that it’s much scarcer could potentially make it even more valuable.

So when you do see her, text her or call her, you must show excellence. Do all the right things and do them hard. Be excited to see her. Flirt hard with her. Sexually escalate hard. Connect with her as deep as possible. And then at the high point, cut things off and leave her wanting more. This way the space that you are creating is hugely magnified and she really feels it.

Below are listed 15 tactics. Keep in mind, all these tactics capitalize on a girl’s interest in the first place. If there isn’t any interest from her, these won’t work. She’ll just walk away.

Some of these are very “gamey” tactics in that it really doesn’t build up a relationship in positive emotional ways. What it does is open up space to let her start to take initiative and feel things.

These tactics are not inner game. Inner game is just as important as outer game, so in order to understand the inner game, read this post, What To Do When You Think About Her Too Much. If your inner game is too messed up, she will sense it and no amount of outer game will help. She will hear it in your voice tone, in your body language, the way you are inhibited around her.

I would not use these tactics on friends or when things are going well with someone. Some of these ¡Ætactics’ may be things I would do naturally in managing the distance in any relationship, but I would rarely premeditate any of these tactics or use them regularly if things were going well. I would only use them if I were sensing a loss of interest and needed to get her focus back on me.

Some basic concepts:

  • Be busy. The main idea here is that you have a life. You’re doing exciting things, hanging out with cool friends, maybe seeing other great women. She’s not treating you like a priority so in the same vein, you will only fit her into your exciting life when you get around to it.
  • Let her take initiative. I always talk about how taking initiative is the most important aspect of becoming a confident guy. Ironically, once you are in some relationship with her, many times the nice guy will take too much initiative and fuck things up. He does this because he’s insecure. He feels like if he doesn’t take initiative, she won’t. When you feel her pulling away, there is a tendency to want to take more initiative to fix the situation, show her more feelings and emotions. In actuality, this normally just crushes the relationship and makes it worse. Pulling back and waiting for her to take initiative is almost always the best move.
  • Let her think about you. Let her miss you. Time is your greatest ally.

Here are some more specific tactics:

The drop-out. You are texting back and forth with her it seems almost every day. But she is distant and lethargic about it. Drop out for a day or even two days. Don’t take initiative to contact her for a period that seems longer than normal. It may scare you that you might lose her, but that’s exactly the point. She senses that you are okay with losing her and she begins to react. When you do finally get back in contact with her, be excited and animated.

Slow track. (Credit Brad P). Let her take initiative. This is at the heart of this game. What happens at the beginning of the relationship is that you start to get into a certain groove of contacting, and inviting her out. Perhaps you start to contact every day or every other day. Perhaps you invited her out one too many times and she was resistant. If you still have her on the line, you start to pull back and contact her less often. And when you do contact her, you don’t invite her out. So for example you might contact her on Monday and be super flirty. Have a little go back and forth but then don’t invite her out. Tell her how crazy busy your week is. If she mentions hanging out or prods you to take initiative, you can say “We should hang out but this week is crazy busy. Let’s touch base early next week.” And you can wait until then. This can go on indefinitely. Particularly if you are seeing other women, you can really slow things down with this girl to the point where she is asking to meet up with you. Again, as stated earlier, you want to be awesome and excited to see her when you do see her. But also let her know how busy you are.

I’ll give you a call later and then don’t. This is an interesting tactic that really can’t be used too often. Rarely will it work more than once. But the idea is you say something like “I’ll give you a call later on tonight.” And then you don’t call. So far you’ve been jumping at every chance to talk to her. She starts to wonder, why didn’t he call? Is he not as into me as I thought he was?

Set up a date and then don’t confirm. (Credit Lee). You talk to her and say “Let’s hang out Monday.” She agrees although she’s a bit wishy washy or non-committal. You say “I’ll give you a call on Sunday to confirm.” Then you DON’T contact her on Sunday or Monday. Tuesday you send her a text about how busy things have been and asking how she is.

A hint of jealousy. You simply throw something into a text or conversation hinting that women are making overtures to you. This needs to be EXTREMELY subtle though, because it can easily come off as bragging or gamey or even backfire. Something like “I’m out partying at so and so. It’s funny how hard these girls try.”

A hint of lets-just-be-friends. If she’s said something in seriousness like “You’re not going to try to hook up with me are you?” or shows some other kind of resistance to moving out of friend zone, push back hard in the opposite direction. Tell her she can help you pick up chicks when you go out. You also need to be careful with doing too much of this or she really will think you do intend to be friends with her. This works best when coupled with some sexual banter. “Let’s go out, but you have to promise not to hit on me.”

Flirty texts vs. mushy texts. If you sense a girl is pulling away, you need to be very careful with sentimental texts. “I miss you.” “Thinking about you.” “Wish you were here.” Let’s say she’s going to her hometown and might be hanging with her exboyfriend. Or is meeting up with some guy that really likes her. Or is just doing something super exciting like a modeling on a runway and will be getting a ton of attention. The last thing you want to do is send her sentimental texts while other people are pouring on the validation. The best possible thing to do in that situation is shoot her a flirty text of some kind. “CNN Newspoll: 65% of respondents say I’m cuter than you.” “I think you should take me to the Coney Island and win me a stuffed monkey.”

Zero validation. If she is an attractive girl who likes attention, it’s possible she has a lot of guys showering her with lovey-dovey compliments. Don’t be that guy. As above, keep it light and flirty. Or if you do validate, follow it up with banter. “You’re so creative. I like that. Too bad you’re such a dork!”

Don’t return a call or text every once in a while. Again, you can’t do this too often, but if it seems she is really preoccupied with other affairs and is taking you for granted, you can simply not return a text or phone call. She may have ten guys professing their love to her, but the one guy that doesn’t return her phone call–or takes his sweet time–she’ll wonder about him. This is human nature.

Cut short phone calls, dates and interactions. This is huge. You be the one to end phone calls and dates. And try to end it on a high note. Again, you are super busy. Gotta run. Don’t talk longer than ten minutes on the phone and be out doing exciting things when you call. If you’re out on a date with her, you could meet for one drink, be very flirty and sexual and then tell her you have to run.

Let her be the last one to text. When you text back and forth, let her send the last text. Just drop off after that. This obviously has its limitations but if you can work out the text exchange so that she sends the last one, it’s better.

Temper your text response time. The response time to her texts is in some cases more important than the actual content of the texts. In these situations, I would normally wait a minimum of ten minutes to reply to her texts. You’re a busy guy out having fun, after all. If she is a slow texter, you want to mirror what she does. If she takes 45 minutes to return a text, take at least that time to return her texts. And if she is particularly slow and it seems like she is making little effort, you could double-mirror. Take 90 minutes to return a text if she took 45 minutes. If she takes a day to text you back, wait two days to text her again.

If she asks for space or flakes, give it back twice as hard. This is huge. If a woman ever says anything like “I need space.” or hints that you are getting too close to her, you want to give her twice the space she asks for. This can actually be more effective in a serious relationship, because people don’t generally ask for space when the relationship is at a more casual stage. So lets’ say you are seeing a woman, and she says “I need space. I need to take a week to think about things.” Your response should be “That’s a great idea. Let’s take two weeks.” This concept is important because when you are in an emotionally subordinate position, it is painful to give her that space. And she knows it. If you simply agreed to the space she asked for, you would be right back to where you started a week previous. But if you move forward and open the space up yourself, she starts to feel a yearning.

Do not ever push for her to come out and meet you. Let her take initiative. If she isn’t taking initiative to invite you to meet up and you feel you need to do this, invite her out, but if there is ANY resistance, do not push, get pouty or call her lame. Be as cool as possible with it and continue with some of the other tactics.

Do not ask her how she “feels”. At casual points in the relationship, asking her how she feels about you or your relationship with her is 95% futile. Words rarely rarely change anything and only serve to dig you in deeper. Instead, take action. Pull away and see how she responds.

Do not tell her how you feel. If you sense a disinterest from her, that is the exact wrong time to tell her how you feel and show interest in her. It will only crowd her worse and make you seem like less of a challenge. This is not to say that you can’t connect with her in deep rapport. Deep rapport is the foundation for her feelings for you. But there is a big difference between you pouring out emotional neediness, i.e. “I miss you and want to see you more often” vs. getting her to share her deepest and inner most thoughts about life, her passion, her childhood etc.

The above tactics can be very useful in a lot of situations, but they obviously have their limitations. It’s up to you to decide whether they should be put into play.

Just like too much smothering can crush a burgeoning relationship, any of these “creating space” tactics can destroy a relationship in the other direction. Letting that kite go too much can send it crashing just as pulling too much can.

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posted in Relationships

COMMENTS
38 responses
JayAllen says:

Holy shit dude! its as if you wrote this directly about the last year of my life.

This is the most useful post you have ever written, because approaching is tough but its only a small part of the bigger picture.

I have discoved some of these on my own and I feel I have made some of the mistakes on my own. All and all, when used correctly, these tactics are the most important part of maintaining your value in a relationship… BRAVO 5 stars!

~J~

pete says:

Hey Eric, another great post !

All your tactics are great but i really think they are meant when the girl you are seeing is not that attracted to you yet or you don,t know how she feels about you.

For example, i had a date last night, things were AWESOME ! it lasted 6 hours ! not a single dull moment, right after i left, she texted me saying it was the best day of her summer :)

Come forward to today, i called (5pm) , no answer, i left a message saying it would be nice to see each other the day after… I,m, in a way not putting pressure on her and giving her time to set up her night with me. Was i being needy because i called the day after ? i don,t think so… just shows i had a great time and i want to see her again. (she knows i ain’t busy i’m on vacation for another 2 weeks)

Eric Disco says:

All your tactics are great but i really think they are meant when the girl you are seeing is not that attracted to you yet or you don,t know how she feels about you.

No. You need SOME attraction or these tactics won’t work. If there’s nothing there in the first place, she won’t miss it when you take it away.

You are not using these tactics to get sexual attraction or to get out of friend zone. That’s done in other ways by being confident, being flirty, being sexual.

For example, i had a date last night, things were AWESOME ! it lasted 6 hours ! not a single dull moment, right after i left, she texted me saying it was the best day of her summer

Come forward to today, i called (5pm) , no answer, i left a message saying it would be nice to see each other the day after… I,m, in a way not putting pressure on her and giving her time to set up her night with me. Was i being needy because i called the day after ? i don,t think so… just shows i had a great time and i want to see her again. (she knows i ain’t busy i’m on vacation for another 2 weeks)

From what you’ve said, I wouldn’t worry too much. It sounds like she’s really into you.

But this is actually a really good example of using a bit of space to get her to yearn for you.

Spending six hours with a girl is a lot for when you first meet her. But okay, you had a great time and went with it. No problem.

But seeing her too soon afterward can feel like rushing into a relationship. She may start to feel crowded, question how much she likes you, etc. Read why you should start all relationships casual.

Giving her a phone call the day after spending six hours on a first date is a bit much. And on top of that, asking her out in a voicemail is a No No.

You would have been better off shooting her a flirty text. This would allow you to feel out the water a bit, see how she’s feeling.

Hanging out the following day would have been a bit much also. You want to put some space in there, let her think about you. Let her miss you.

I recently had a client who went through the same thing. He met a girl, spent two intense days with her, and then it went no where.

Where do you go from there? Do you really want to spend that much time with a person every single day of your life even if she’s your girlfriend?

It seems like this girl is into you, so I would just play it chilly. Be a cool guy. Let her take some initiative.

Eric

Nico says:

holy shit! is just what i needed in the right moment of my life. Thanks man , i really appreciate it, is a life saver.

pete says:

Well, she called me back after i left her the message and said she had something on saturday but sunday she is free. She asked me if i had any plans, i said something along the lines of :”humm, i’m not sure, i don’t think so” trying to play it “cool” lol

She says she’s going to a club with couple of friends (guys and girls which i alrdy know a bit) and she invited me to go with them… should i go or wait for sunday ?

pete says:

oh and by the way, your article about starting things as casual… i read it already i would say 4-5 times because before, i was like the guy your girl friend was seeing. Was always calling, txting, etc ,but now, i would say that i really improved, but as you can see, there’s still room for improvement…

Jon Jon Macky says:

Great post, Eric.

I am dealing with this situation right now and these tactics are really helpful.

Eric Disco says:

She says she’s going to a club with couple of friends (guys and girls which i alrdy know a bit) and she invited me to go with them… should i go or wait for sunday ?

I think you’re fine either way. How far have you gone sexually with this girl?

If I had already slept with her, I might be okay hanging out and meeting her friends.

But if there wasn’t that much sexual escalation, you probably want to do something more intimate than go clubbing, unless you have a gameplan for getting sexual. You don’t want to hang out with her too much without getting sexual.

And, seeing her and her friends is a bit relationshippy. So my suggestion would be to wait until Sunday at least.

Eric

pete says:

there was some kino on the date but that is it… we went for a motorcycle ride and she was really holding on ;) but besides that… not that much. I view the clubbing as a nice opportunity to bring the kino to another level, since it’s loud i have to talk into her ear, be more close to each other, dance… i think it would be a good preparation and sexual tension builder for the date on sunday…

Ben says:

This might be my favorite of your posts, Eric. I have been in this situation and have probably made every mistake you listed. I will internalize as much of this as I can. Thanks for the advice.

Eric Disco says:

there was some kino on the date but that is it… we went for a motorcycle ride and she was really holding on but besides that… not that much. I view the clubbing as a nice opportunity to bring the kino to another level, since it’s loud i have to talk into her ear, be more close to each other, dance… i think it would be a good preparation and sexual tension builder for the date on sunday…

When you say you are on vaction for two weeks, does that mean you won’t be in the same city as her any more?

Hanging out with a girl for 6 hours on Thursday and then Saturday and Sunday is a lot. With women I’ve been seeing for months I don’t hang out with them that much. Even when I was in a monogamous committed relationship last year, I would not have hung out with the girl that much.

There are people who are happy hanging around with each other that much, so I may be an outlier. But certainly this soon in the relationship, that’s a lot.

It’s a lot because you don’t know each other that well yet.

I’ve seen situations like this work out okay, but it’s not the healthiest way of ramping up into a relationship and feeling each other out.

Secondly, spending too much time with a woman without sexually escalating puts you too precariously into friend zone. I’m not saying everyone needs to be Master Pickup Artist and have this girl in bed in under three hours, even though that’s my M.O.

But.

You need to start escalating the sexual interaction in *some* way. You must. This could start with simple hand-holding. And you don’t need to hold her hand for an hour. Hold her hand for a minute or two and then let go again and do it later.

Or is sit down next to her and put your hand in her lap. Anything to get the ball rolling.

Speaking into her ear is not enough. It’s a good start, but you do that with your friends. You need to start bridging the gap.

Yes, dancing close with her will work.

My advice is this. When you do hang out with her, be sexual and fun with her. Do some sexual escalation. But don’t be all over her. Talk to everyone there. Let her see you talking to everyone. Be friendly with all her friends and get to know them. Really connect with them. Do not stick by her side 100% of the time. There are few things that turn a woman on more than to see the guy she’s with confidently interact with her friends–both male and female friends.

Eric

stabZ says:

Thanks for the feedback Eric. As for the kino speaking, this was always a tough part for me. Even with guy and girl friends, i’m not the kind of guy who will touch a lot. I’ve been working on it though.

I’ve talked to some friends about it and some says go for it, others are not sure. I was thinking of asking her if she’s doing a girls night out and if so, let her be with her friends. Show her i have no problem with that :) and if i end up going, well like you said, i was planning to be the fun guy and talk to her friends and such.

Wonderman says:

I’m dealing with a tough ass girl right now and your post was a life saver.Thank you Eric.I have a question for you though:What would you do if you asked a girl out twice but for some lame reason you couldn’t meet and then she asked you out after some comfort building but then canceled the date saying she was sick? How long would you wait to contact her? How long would you wait to ask her out again?

Eric Disco says:

she asked me out after some comfort building but then canceled the date saying she was sick? How long would you wait to contact her? How long would you wait to ask her out again?

In a day or two, ‘ping’ her–send her a flirty text without inviting her out.  See how she responds.

If it’s positive you could invite her out again. But I would suggest a day that’s three or four days away since she is the one who canceled on you without suggesting another date.

If she isn’t receptive to your ping, send another in a few days.   

Eric

pete says:

well, i took your advice eric. She texted me tonight saying i’m am i doing? i said i’m having a beer with some friends, what about you ? she told me she is going to a club but not leaving too late (she’s working in the morning).

So i said have a good night and text me tomorrow after your work, we’ll do something.

Wow, for the first time in my life i wasn’t being needy ! Now hopefully she’ll text me tomorrow ! lol if not, there goes my needyness that is gonna unleash !! (hopefully i’ll control it :) )

Mark says:

I have a question regarding spending too much time together too soon…

Now that I’m dating for the first time since college (it’s been a few years), learning how the “real” world handles dating has been difficult. The couple girls I’ve truly dated have been very text-happy, talk on the phone a lot, and want to see each other a lot (one we saw each other 5 times in 9 days! The other 3 times in 8 days, but talked on the phone for about an hour 3-4 times. Eek!).

I’m not completely innocent in it all, but a majority of these interactions were initiated by the girl. She’d call, be the first to text, or ask if I wanted to hang out or do something.

In hindsight I’ve realized (in large part due to reading your posts, Eric) that this was obviously what doomed any potential we had. But it was THEY who called things off. I always initiated the first date (and was the first to call them after I got their number), but after that they seemed to be initiating…but then once we talked or spent too much time together too soon, they surely felt things were going too fast.

So I guess what I’m asking is how do you handle this? I’M not feeling them being too needy or whatever, but somehow I’m apparently coming across as needy to them even though I’m not the one initiating the conversations.

I guess being “busy” is the easiest way to avoid seeing each other too much, but what about the texting and phone calls?

Shiva says:

Great post Eric! I’m waiting for your book, when will it be out, approx?

@pete…..Great job controlling your neediness. But you need to work on it some more. Also it’s high time you got more flirty-sexual with her while amusing yourself. Send her these txt msgs at random times, even if she doesn’t text you.

——————

thinking of me? ;)

——————-

you : do u floss?
she: yes…
you : lucky girl !
she : why…
you : i might let u kiss me ;)

——————

you : do u floss?
she : no…
you : i feel sorry for u
she : why…
you : i can’t let u kiss me now

after a minute…

you : stop sulking, just start flossing n maybe i’ll let u ;)

—————–

you : do u floss?
she : no reply
you (after a few mins) : I knew you don’t….ewwww :(

—————–

Be unpredictable, have fun, tease her.

Also…going by your posts…you have been too available to her.

Have something to do tomorrow, don’t meet her, be busy, have a life, if she texts u tomorrow, send an abrupt “busy, later…” and don’t text her again all day.

Then, the next day tell her you are going to xyz on Tuesday night at 8 and ask her whether she wants to “tag along” ?

You lead and she follows. That’s what women want.

Good stuff. Pretty comprehensive.

Cameron says:

Eric, if only your post had come a couple months sooner. Had a “give me space” convo with a girl I’d been with for a few months, and rather than doing exactly that I pushed it further and exactly as predicted got absolutely nowhere.

Your posts never cease to impress me with accuracy.

pete says:

ahhhhh eric eric eric :)

I just kissed the girl i’m seeing ! wow ! what a feeling, i remembered you said somewhere to kiss before the end because you get rid of that akward feeling at the end. I kissed her just before opening her door. She was SOOOO ready for it and it is sooo true, girls are sexually receptive but they won’t take the initiative !!!

pete says:

To resume what happened on the second date :

We went to play a big of mini-golf. I greeted her with the usual kiss on the cheek (near the mouth) and put my hand on her back while doing it.

We went to play and i thought her how to hold her club, doing so required me touching her hands and playing with her a bit. Then later on i said, let me show you how to swing it and i got behind her, the way you grind a girl in a club, and showed her how to swing. I had to think of cars and bike trying not to get a hard on lol

We then went to a bar where we talked, and was close to each other so i could touch her knee, her arm, etc.

We left and as i was going to open the door of my car for her, i closed it, turned around to her and kissed her. She was waiting for it because she just started kissing back, like she knew i was gonna go for it. She told me i was reading her mind (about the kiss).

I took her hands in mine, pushed her on my car and kissed her deeply, even went on her neck and collarbone, god it was good lol

Great fucking night !

nonstop says:

nice one pete.

stabZ says:

Thanks !! :)

now, next step for me is not to be needy/clingy and smother her with phone calls… Let her know i want her but not in a creepy way.

buso says:

GREAT post as always … you got to get that book out eric

Mark says:

thats an awesome post. I wish i had read that when I was back at uni!

Javier_DC says:

Erik,

This is a wicked sweet post. I wish I had read something like this a while ago to prevent messing up some pretty great opportunities with some ladies. I can see this being applied as soon as you meet someone. Awesome!

I am curious if you have written anything on (similar to this “advanced tactics” post) on how to get out of the friend zone with a girl. You said:

“You are not using these tactics to get sexual attraction or to get out of friend zone. That’s done in other ways by being confident, being flirty, being sexual.”

Keep up these awesome posts!

Javier_DC

John-e says:

holy cow, this post could not have come at a better time. I’m basically in the same situation and realized my my mistake right after I made it.

I hung out for the 3rd time with this girl my friend introduced me to and said was really into me. Friday night, I hang out with her and her friends…great time, drinks, dinner, karaoke. At the end of the night, on the way back home in the car, I grab her hand and hold it for a little bit and put it back down. This goes on for a little bit until we reach my car. We talk for a bit, and I basically go for a kiss by asking if she wanted to kiss me, i’ve done that before where it worked, but my body language was off…THEN I asked if she wanted to date me! Damn, mistake #2. By that time I realized my insecurity had come out so I stopped right there. She basically responded by saying that she felt it was too fast, and that we could hangout, talk, and dance. It’s a little awkward because I recruited her onto my kickball team and I’ll see her again because of that…and we share some mutual friends..

Any thoughts?

john says:

hi . my problem she gave me hr numbr but whn ever i call she says i will call u later i am busy an never calls. i havnt meet hr frm past 6 months an she havnt saved my number also i called hr on hr birthday but she reply like ho is this. whn ever i call hr nw wht to do. need help.

john says:

i have been seing frm past 2 years we r hi buy kind friends. i aave givn my best to to keep hr happy but not working. i flirt with hr but she doesnt like flirting to much. just 1 compliment an she smiles. an she even dnt like tocking to much whilee doing work outs. i just get 5 minutes hardly to tock to hr. i if i call she i am busy.if i asked hr out she will say i am busy. she is beautiful an she wants people attention. i used not to give hr attention thn she comes an tock somtimes she never stares also an she comes only 2 days in a gym. dnt no wht to do. she realy ignores me. whn i meet hr .

Grifter101 says:

This advanced tactics is a great refresher, i knew some of those tactics already but its good to have reminders.

Brandon says:

Hey Eric, I notice that you advise to mirror a woman’s text/callback time if you feel she is taking you for granted. If you have already been dating on a casual level but you feel that she is loosing interest, would you use this technique?

For example, what if you text her Monday and she doesnt get back to you til Wednesday or Thursday should you slow track it to the point that you are waiting a whole week to get back to her (essentially ignoring her texts and phone calls)?

This is a situation I’m dealing with as of the last couple weeks. Reaching out to her, hearing nothing back from her for a while and then getting flooded with texts and calls as though my initial text or invitation was never sent. In the past when she did this I wouldnt get right back to her but I didn’t straight ignore her for days either. Is that something I should do?

Guy-Without-A-Clue says:

Man,… I so wish I would have found your site a month or so back. Talked online to a woman for 90 solid days before I ever got a date, after just 1 time going out I went face down on the pavement. She started not answering her phone, being “busy” all the time, totally blindsided me, and needless to say, I just freaked. I whined, cried and complained, got mad and said nasty things. Sorry to say I was clueless to her “game”. Now she’s told me to get lost, thinks I’m a dangerous nutcase, and is back on the dating site where the two of us originally met. We had so much in common and I found her very attractive to boot. It’s really hard to take that I’ve probably lost her for good,…

michael says:

oh. my. god. this may have just saved my current relationship, thank you so much, im actually mind blown, i realize now i have what is called social anxiety and all the things i need to work on it

RK says:

I can relate completely to this. My last stable relationship was over three years ago and in early 2010 I met a friend of a friend who was terrific. We connected a lot and she even took a bit of initiative at the start to email me and all but after a couple of dates (which were enthusiastically accepted) I started to make all the blunders described by Eric above. I texted more than was necessary, tried to call her each week even though she was either busy or engaged and did not return the earlier calls, in short I was a textbook case of how to appear needy and desperate. In hindsight I cringe at the memories and the persistent texts that I sent – so not me! Needless to say, she ignored me and emailed me months later by which time my feelings had cooled.

I’m again seeing someone and this time I’ve taken care – a course correction of sorts – to avoid a repeat. It may be too early to say anything with certainty but I now follow a principle of not texting first unless two-three days have passed and not following that up AT ALL. Rigid though it may sound, she’s the one who’s taken the initiative for the last two and a half weeks without a miss and suddenly I feel so much secure in the knowledge that she’s the one who wants to text me or talk to me. I know at some level I feel like a jerk but I don’t want to open up too much emotionally until I’m certain that she’s totally into me.

This is the best piece you’ve written on this site Eric. Thanks !

Suave.Doll says:

This was amazing advise, I’m a very free spirited girl and tbh I find the amount of attention I get from men bombarding and irritating…however there is this one guy whose grabbed my attention more than any other guy I’ve ever met, I’m so hooked and intrigued and he does all these things but to an even bigger extent probably because I am so free spirited and I think if all men did this especially with free spirited or attractive girls, they would be very successful, especially if there is a natural chemistry or attraction. Men don’t realise they can ruin very good chemistry by being too needy, revealing too much and saying too much. LESS IS MORE.

eltata says:

Thank you Eric, this is such a great article and piece of advice.

Now, you talk about a drop out, let her take all the initiative , etc., how do you bait her into doing this (take all the initiative)? Is it really something “automatic” once you pull out she will suddenly start calling you, asking you out, etc., some women will display some more interest once you do as you instruct on your article but very few (due to social norms) in my opinion will go as far as to chase you like water in the desert only because you pull out? what is your insight? Still great post.

Thanks,

vox says:

I wish I had read this a year ago.. or found out about this site anyways. I’ve been doing a lot of stuff wrong with many women after hooking up. Not anymore though, this gots to stop! Thanks.

BwareDWare94 says:

I think there is some credibility to this, but this is far too difficult to employ if you actually like another person. I’d say find a balance, but don’t let all of these tactics throw you for a loop.

On another note, one downside to articles like this do is that they lend credence to all those desperate cats out there who think women prefer assholes.

The decent ones, the ones who are worth it, don’t. Just like us decent guys don’t want a bitch, decent women don’t want an asshole. This article is well-written and makes several good points, but don’t take it to heart or you’ll drive yourself crazy just trying to pull this shit off. I’m sure Eric’s aware of that, and he tried to say it in the fine print, but some people aren’t going to read that.

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